Why We Can't Get People Who Are Bad For Us Out of Our Minds...

Why we can't get people who are bad for us out of our minds...

I've cracked it.

So a guy flirted with and pursued me for the best part of a year consistently, only to turn me down when I made a move. He was then extremely rude about it and used me as a tool to bolster his self-image in front of his buddies (i.e. "I rejected her" etc).

At first I didn't like him, he was the typical sensitive guy - didn't know how to talk to girls, trying hard to mask his shyness. But we had stuff in common and I thought he was a nice guy so we became friends.

At first it was mutually platonic, but then I realized he had developed a crush on me and quite a lot of other people did too. It wasn't mutual, but he didn't say anything so we just let it go unsaid - this was for about 6 months maybe.

But as I got to know him, I got to know his personality more and he opened up a lot and I started to find him attractive towards the end of the year. Quite a few people told me he was in love with me and he even alluded to it himself. I could see he was gaining in confidence as the year progressed but he still didn't have a girl yet. He made a joke that if he asked me out I'd say no so I realized that I needed to show my interest. I became slightly flirty back but he still didn't make a move. I don't make a habit of hitting on guys (in fact I've never done it), but he was so shy with women and yet so flirty with me, that I felt it was the only way to make things progress.

As he previously hadn't had a good rep with women and his buddies used to laugh at him for never having had a girl, he then decided to use me for bragging rights to his friends (look I can get women, she hit on me and I rejected her etc).

This was someone I had considered a good friend, even if nothing else so I was horrified at the betrayal. He had every right to say no to me (although even that was bad considering he had been extremely flirtatious with me for an extended period of time - and not to any other girls i.e. he wasn't a serial flirt), but to treat me like that afterwards was horrific. He even made a joke about turning me down to another guy in front of my face.

He then seemed surprised that I was so angry with him and was shocked himself when I cut him out of my life. I haven't spoken to him for over half a year.

I haven't been able to get him nor the betrayal out of my mind and have thought about it for the best part of 6 months every day if not every hour.

Don't get me wrong... this dude was not my soul-mate and I am genuinely not saying this because I am bitter: I *HAVE* dated guys a lot more attractive/desirable with a lot more to offer than him.

It was more a spare of the moment thing I did by making a move, mainly because of his genuine seeming affection for me and our connection and how much we enjoyed each others' company (plus I had begun to find him attractive), but I wasn't in love with him... yet I now cannot get it off my mind. I know he is not "the one", especially not after how he treated me... so I don't get why I can't get over it.

I've now finally realized why.

This is my brain's way of protecting me. It is telling me: BE MORE CAREFUL NEXT TIME.

I'm not in love. I'm being warned.

I just thought I'd post this because I couldn't tell for so long why I couldn't "get over it", but now I realize I'm just being warned and heed the message it has helped a lot.

Hope this could be helpful to someone else going through a similar thing.

Why We Can't Get People Who Are Bad For Us Out of Our Minds...
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Most Helpful Girl

  • haveyouseenmyhw
    clearly he doesn't know how to interact with women. he's missing a few screws. He valued the approval of his crappy friends over a beautiful relationship that could have brightened his life.

    He didn't reject you, he used you. Manipulated you, its a traumatizing event that I hope doesn't ever happen again.
    Is this still revelant?
    • Anonymous

      Incredibly true.

      Traumatizing is indeed correct. It's something that I'm carrying with me at the moment, partially because I'm trying to forget it, so I think I just need to accept that it will be there, yet focus on other things.

      The irony is that the two guys he made that joke with in front of my face - trying to diminish me - they have both hit on me previously (he doesn't know that because I'm not like him, I never told anyone). But those guys aren't decent enough to defend me either (partially why I said no).

      All in all, it has been a great lesson in valuing myself and my time.

Most Helpful Guy

  • gobsmacked3
    I think the aside is not thoughts of him. And his legacy. More your part in this. The key is reconciling your part in it. As such, you deserved better treatment and this is the lesson you take. Along with him being the real victim for he is now without you
    Is this still revelant?
    • Anonymous

      This is a great reply. And I agree - the lesson moving forward is to only accept the best guys into my life. And I agree he has lost more than me.

    • own this and live it

    • Anonymous

      Thanks gobsmacked3

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • 2Real4U
    You friendzoned him too long, he got some balls and realized he actually was honest with you without any reciprocation, after getting rejected continuously he finally found some self respect-esteem to not get jerked around being your male girlfriend and emotional tampon, then finally when you start to get the feels for him (at your convenience) he was fed up, then he decided 'fuck this' and walked. You're butt hurt because your 'toy' and game of cat (you) and mouse (him) is over, and you're hurt because you miss the attention, ego boost and someone pining over you that you liked jerking around, eventually like fishing if the fish constantly has the bait jerked away from him it will decide 'fuck this bait, it's ungettable - goodbye', thing is the fisherman wanted to catch the fish, so after playing bait/pull away and not getting the fish the fisherman is pissed, wtf? Really? What did you expect. Him slamming you to his buddies is because he is pissed at you and himself especially for allowing you to jerk him around for as long as you had. Enjoy.. like it, don't like it, I don't care, just 100% and here to help. Cheers!
    • Harsh_5299

      I've had friends who did this to guys and then complain why they left them... your statement is spot on

    • Anonymous

      I didn't "friendzone" him as he didn't make a move. The first and only person to make a move and get friendzoned was me. And I only did so because of all his flirting, and then even flirting back and having him not respond. So, no I didn't "not reciprocate" anything. You clearly have had issues with women, but you cannot draw parallels with every situation in which a girl doesn't find a guy initially attractive and I find your misogyny quite vile - e. g "emotional tampon". Incidentally, I listened to his problems more than he did mine but people like you don't like the details which interfere with your desire to spew misogyny. Please don't comment back, you're not welcome on the thread.

    • Harsh_5299

      See, this is the problem
      You need to accept criticism for your actions, no matter how noble, even though they Might not be constructive in nature... that's just the way it is
      All he did was form an answer from the info you provided in the question... if you would have mentioned this new 'details' from your reply in the question before hand, he might not have given this answer
      It's pointless to get angry on everyone who disagrees with you, you can block people on GAG but not in real life... what are you going to do about them?
      If you just wanted some emotional support and not be judged for your actions, you could have changed the details in the question which make others feel like "you took pity on him even though you could have had much better partners at that time"... making him the victim in this case

    • Show All
  • Gustafsone12584
    It took you a year? I kinda agree with the first guy here. You seemed to friendzoned him for too long. I'm kinda wondering why it took you so long to know how he acts? You seem to be blinded by some things. I'd forget about what you thought, because it sounds like he was an asshole from the start. You should figure out who people, and it really shouldn't take a year lol
    • Anonymous

      No, i thought he was an asshole from the start, but I got sucked into that asshole circle and he seemed the nicest out of all of them. I gradually got sucked in. Ever heard the analogy of the frog and the boiling water? Kind of like that. My thinking got completely screwed. I've gotten rid of all of them now and so much happier/better way of thinking. Lesson = they seem assholes at the beginning = get rid IMMEDIATELY.

    • You got the right idea :)

  • alistee
    Some guys only like the attention, or as "cherryphi82" said; want to be unforgettable. I've dated a few who seemed to be the cute - shy - non experienced kind of guy, but after got my attention - ended up the most douchey players i ever met. I think some guys represent themselves so, in purpose to have girls fall for them. Be careful, but don't close yourself off - give others the chance to prove that not all of them are douches.
    • Anonymous

      Great advice... I think the key is I look for 'genuine decency' as opposed to 'niceness' or 'kindness'. The last two are to make people like you and the first one can't be faked.

    • Anonymous

      I also think that these type of people are the ABSOLUTE WORST

  • cherryphi82
    And that's exactly what he wanted. There are some people who want nothing more than to make themselves unforgettable, and they want to achieve it by every means necessary. And if that means manipulating you the way this guy did, so be it.

    I can't necessarily tell you you're better off without him. Some people genuinely enjoy passionate, hot-cold relationships like that. But if you want something more balanced and stable, then he's probably not the way to go.
    • Anonymous

      He's not sophisticated enough to make himself want to seem unforgettable, however, I agree he was in love with the attention (something he's not used to from women).

      I am definitely better off without him. I am a great girl (I really am, that's not just something women say to make themselves feel better) and deserve a real man in my life to be my partner and equal.

    • Anonymous

      God that sounded so arrogant - "I'm a great girl, I really am". Sometimes things don't transpire online the way they would in person.

    • No you're fine :) I believe you. Best of luck with everything!

  • I_Do_Mind
    This is so men. I am glad you put constant occurrences into words. Thank you for this.
    • Anonymous

      Yes, although I'm sure there are more women like this too

  • btbc92
    I'm glad you LEARNED from this experience. A lot of girls expecially doesn't know this or learned this. Overally one thing you got wrong. You were in love. That's what happens when you do. But you don't love him because you didn't love yourself enough. You had to learn something that you chouldn't figure out for that time. It's your intuition part of you talking. And if you are a believer in Christ, the Holy Spirit warning you about dangers. Those types of men aren't good for you. A man protects and respects you, not hurt you or expose you.
    • ManaX

      Hope you don't mind the follow I like the advice you give :)

    • Anonymous

      I agree - it was a wake-up call about the type of people that I let in to my life. Time is precious and I am precious and has made me realise that

  • Wollu
    Could as well be that he made you feel good about yourself?
    • Anonymous


      He was extremely attentive and caring when we were friends and he seemed so genuinely into me. I'm sure when I find someone else with those traits, it will be a LOT easier to forget.

    • Wollu

      I experienced something similar. It costet me 3 months of my life to recover and build a defense. I know exactly what you mean. We are people pleasers. We are the perfect prey for them.

    • Anonymous

      You're totally right. It has cost me 5 months unfortunately, but it has taught me the absolute IMPERATIVE of being selective about who you surround yourself with.

    • Show All
  • Joelski440
    This is a good damn question if you figure it out you let me know. I have a girl stuck on my mind & I can't seem to let her/it go.

    Luckily it sounds like you managed to let it go I'm still very much struggling with forgetting the girl & the situation. v

    I lack the ability to adequately, articulately talk you her to resolve the issues.

    • Anonymous

      Sorry to hear that you're going through it too. Sometimes it's best to write your thoughts out prior to discussing them. You sound quite articulate anyway.

      I have better days and worse ones. The worst part of it is - I know that he's so totally not worth it, but my brain won't do that.

      Still, maybe it's better to confront him over his behaviour and then I can fully move on.

    • Joelski440

      I understand the good days & the bad. Some days I can manage not to think of her & even get to sleep at night. Other days my mind ruminates over the situation & sees fact where there isn't any & jump to conclusions. Unfortunately, I haven't come to the conclusion yet that she isn't worth it. confronting her is an issue, she is the friend of a friends girlfriend so I will run into eventually. I have minimized our interactions, unfortunately with consequences.

  • rockrewls
    "Don't get me wrong... this dude was not my soul-mate"
    He obviously figured out you weren't genuinely interested in him, and therefore turned you down, smart guy!!!
    • Anonymous

      Do you only date girls that you consider to be your soul-mate?

    • Anonymous

      Let me rephrase that: in your 20s, did you only date girls that you considered to be your soul-mate?

    • rockrewls

      I quoted you, and from your quote derived my conclusion...

    • Show All
  • HereIbe
    You're an addict. It's taht simple. The neurobiology of addiction existed before addictive substances were discovered. Heroin and cocaine merely hijack natural pathways. You have all the classic behaviors of addiction. Treat it like addiction.
  • es20490446e
    Because, even then, you have to confront the situation.
    • Anonymous

      I don't understand what you mean

    • Anonymous

      Thank you so much for taking the time to respond by video.

      Part of me thinks it will be a good idea to confront him - because he was also shocked/upset that I just cut him off and time is not making me forget about it - it is making me angrier.

      However, the rudeness and disrespect of his actions leads me to never want to see him again. I've realized that he's not a good guy at all so I may just be setting myself up for more pain.

      Yet you're right - it does need to be resolved. I will strongly consider speaking to him about it.

    • Show All
  • Hungry_Shark
  • Anonymous
    Cause you need Jeezaz
    • Anonymous

      Least helpful response

  • Anonymous
    Thank you.