Breaking Up Does Not Have To Be Hard

[pavlove]

Breaking Up Does Not Have To Be Hard

Deciding to end things with someone seems to be a lot easier than being dumped. However, it’s often only after being really unhappy that a person decides to end a serious investment with someone. It takes a lot of thought and courage to go through with it. Even in cases where the person has lost romantic feelings, there’s painful feelings of guilt that often accompany breaking up with someone.

But, does it have to be so hard? I think when we avoid our emotions, we strengthen the “threat” of them. The reality, though, is many of us who don’t want to feel anything are actually quite good at processing and feeling out emotions, but just don’t believe we can because we haven’t really tried. It should hurt in the sense that it should feel like a loss of what you had hoped would have been a good thing. But, all break ups happen for a reason and so it’s not necessary to create a complex about it…

1) Maybe you’re not making the “right” choice, but you’re making the best choice you can given the circumstances.

One thing that can go through your mind after you end things is the need to convince yourself you were right to do what you did. It’s almost impossible to know whether it was the right thing to do (unless actual abuse was happening) and if you are right, it probably won’t feel that way for a while. Instead of pushing yourself to make only “right” choices accept your humanity and limitations. You made the choice that was best for your happiness at the time and that’s all you could do.

2) You can’t think your way better

When you get good at intellectualizing, you’ll find it creates a similar effect to alcohol. It numbs you while you’re intellectualizing, but very soon after you find that the anxiety / pain/ doubt is still there. Thinking is only productive when you can follow it with some sort of action, but you can’t feel better by thinking deeply about something with so actual problem that can be addressed. You’ve done the thinking work which led you to break up. Now, it’s time to let go of your need to think about the relationship—where it went wrong, what you could have done better. If anything, you should be focusing on what to do next, what you’ve learned about yourself and about what you want, and about how you want to live your life post-break up.

3) Question your impulses

Your impulses will probably make this break up feel like every other break up and there’s no growth or happiness in that. If you know that you tend to reach out to people for support or for affection after a break up and end up feeling even more incomplete then maybe consider not doing that anymore. Think about what will make you happy, not about avoiding your pain.

4) Live the good life

The narrative after a break up is that you should be miserable and if you aren’t that means you never really cared about the person. This is completely untrue. If you break up, generally that means you’ve been miserable for a while and that you’re finally free of it whether it’s being with someone you don’t feel the same way about or being with someone who no longer feels the same about you. As for not caring about the person, I don’t believe the two have anything to do with one another. Your happiness is not dependent on the actions of another person, it’s all you. If your happiness and their happiness collide and you can share it together that’s one thing, but if you NEED them to be a certain way to you in order to feel it that’s dependence and not love. You living the good life is not showing them up either. It’s really just about you. You’ve taken a step to be single again and that means you get to be selfish and go back to thinking just about yourself and dream that maybe the right relationship is out there for you…

[Lilybird16]

I really enjoyed your take on this subject! Did you experience break ups in this way? Did you find it difficult to move on from each one? What were some things that you did to make the break ups easier on yourself, mentally and emotionally? Did you take each one a learning experience to use in the future?
I was in a very long committed , loving, relationship for a total of 11 years. It was only a few months ago that I made the decision to end things. For the longest time I felt very unhappy, insecure and had very low self-esteem. I seemed to have lost my identity in the midst of this relationship. I'm not sure how it happened, but when I could finally see what was being reflected at me, I didn't like who I had become. I was weak minded, vulnerable, easy to manipulate and control. I saw myself as a victim to a person trying to possess me. Trying to put me in a cage.
For many years I allowed myself to be sheltered and placed in a "cage", so to speak. I had sacrificed any independence I had to feel loved. I quit working, gave up driving, just pretty much, gave up on life. I let this person take care of all of my wants and needs without lifting a finger. Due, to this mistake I turned into somebody I hated.
Then I started to make changes for myself. I found a job, I worked on my body and my health. It was through making these changes that I began to see who I should be and who I can be. With some help from an old highschool, boyfriend, I became empowered. I then decided that I can no longer allow myself to be trapped. So within a few months, I set myself free, by ending the relationship with a wonderful guy. I felt guilty for many weeks. I had made a support system, through friends I made at work. After, seeking their comfort and support, something strange happened. An event thatvI didn't see coming, occurred. As If a rug had just been yanked out from underneath me, circumstances changed to where I had move back in with my, new Ex, boyfriend, whom I just broke it off with. Been living under the same roof ever since, and everything seems fine. We can at the very least, be good friends.

[EpicDweeb]

I've had two relationships and two bvery different break ups. One was incredibly easy. The other was not. I think the foundation of the relatonship is the most important thing. If it's based on friendship instead of emotions, only to realize you don't work well as a couple, there's no reason to stop being friends after that. Usually people can't stick together well after that because they didn't get along that well when they weren't infatuated.

[Shadow44]

I agree, I think it also depends on how it ends too. I've dated friends in the past who wanted to end things and be friends after. I was good with it, though stopped talking to a few mainly due to being treated dirt (this was after taking space for a long while). So I mean if you're friends, your relationship was based around that, you guys can treat each other with respect afterwards, and things don't end explosively, then yeah I think it's possible.

[Guy13]

Great read... seemed like experience was speaking.

[Astefers]

Great read! This reminds me of a break up I had very long time ago. We are not best friends but we catch up every year, left on good terms. Are break up was mutual we just grew apart. We were together 4 years. Its one of the best break ups I had. Even though the break up was mutual I still felt a mix if feelings. Guilt, regret, sad, and yet happy. It all worked out. We are better as friends.

[Logorithim]

This was thoughtful and I think it did a good job of capturing some of the complexities of breaking up with your partner, which usually isn't an easy decision to make. I think the point about often feeling guilty about doing it was especially salient.

[apunkr]

Keeping in mind that I'm not an authority on this subject, only my opinion that most, not all, but most of what you wrote can be interpreted as thought, emotion, and actions rooted in selfishness. We ARE discussing relationships, right? Two parties involved here, and you did differentiate that you were not talking about abusive type relationships. So, just saying that's how it came across to me.

[Chaoseverywhere]

I know it's the right choice but it'll destroy her, which will make me feel really bad. Because she never wronged me. But i wronged her. But she forgave me. But I feel no connection at all.

so destroy her? or destroy myself?
rather myself tbh

[pleasestopthis]

Even though I don't 100% agree, this was a nice take to read. I could be rational and broke up because things weren't going anywhere and I was tired, but I was still heartbroken. Some things just don't work out like we want them to.

[keenmind2007]

Once the relationship meant something to you, its gonna be hard whether you called the shots or not.

[Ms_Meaghan]

I've never been in a real relationship, working on it tho.

[Hurlyburly]

Thats a nice take, but I usually feel even worse when I'm the one to break up.

[JimRSmith]

Very insightful.

A lot of people do indeed run scared of their own emotions, very true.

[VaIiant]

Great MyTake, this brought back some mixed feelings and even more mixed memories.

[Anonymous]

Hmmmm... thanks for the info! I’ll keep this in mind while consoling friends going through breakups...

[Anonymous]

I alawys find your takes insightful, pavlove. Good one as usual.

[Anonymous]

I’m still suffering heart ache.
Sucks breaking up.

[Anonymous]

loss is always hard, but yea there are healthier ways to deal with breakups than others

[Anonymous]

I guess I would have to get a girl friend first to know what it's like.

[Anonymous]

I needed this right now, thanks.

[Anonymous]

I've never had a good break up

[Anonymous]

I’ve never had a break up yet. Lol

[scooogy]

It has never been hard for me actually