It has been a while since I wrote a myTake, and it seems that the most popular two of the three I already wrote were those involving relationships. They have been received well, and for that I am grateful. I have read some questions and contributions on G@G that discuss a recurring theme; something that so many of us experience: Coping with lingering feelings for an ex. It’s not easy, and if you are experiencing that, or have experienced that in the past, I feel for you.
Dealing with a breakup is hard, but you have to deal with it.
I would like to share my experience when it comes to recovering from a breakup, especially one I did not initiate myself. However, before I start, I would like to also recommend another myTake by @DizzyDesii titled “10 Best Tips for Getting Over Someone [heart emoji] [flexed arm emoji] [heart emoji]” (Link: https://www.girlsaskguys.com/break-up-divorce/a53010-10-best-tips-for-getting-over-someone). I think there’s a lot of great advice there, and I really enjoyed reading it. However, I would like to present things from my personal perspective, and in the form of a protocol that has served me well in the past.
Some Background:
I have had two notable relationships where I thought, “Yes! She’s the one. Let’s start saving for that ring.” In both cases, my ex broke up with me. I have had this conversation literally twice, and I spoke my position about it almost verbatim in both cases: “I don’t think that your reason for breaking up with me is a good reason. I treated you with nothing but love, respect and kindness. However, you are entitled to your opinion, and while I strongly disagree with your decision, I respect it. I take breakups seriously. I hope you understand that because this breakup is not mutual and is completely one-sided, I cannot see myself remaining in your life, or staying friends with you for the foreseeable future. I take relationships seriously, and I wouldn’t breakup with you unless there’s a serious problem that warrants a breakup.”
In each case, my ex regretted breaking up with me, wanted for us to get back together, but it was too late and I had finally moved on and my broken heart healed. Even if your circumstances during a breakup were different, I think that there are concrete steps that you can take that can help you recover from the heartache of experiencing a breakup.
There are generally two kinds of breakups:
1. With a possibility of reconnection or reconciliation, or
2. With no reasonable possibility of reunification
In both cases, it is important to accept the most likely outcome: When it’s through, it’s through. Even if there is a chance that you can get back together, remember that it’s not guaranteed. It’s OK to be optimistic, and be hopeful, but it’s more important to be realistic about whether getting back together is possible, or even good for either one of you.
Either way, you have an ex now. You are someone’s ex now yourself. If you are single, or in a relationship already, then it wouldn’t hurt to know how you should handle the situation should it happen regrettably.
There are few things in this world that are scarier than an overly-attached ex who is in denial.
So! You have experienced a breakup?
First, you’re going to be sad, upset, angry, betrayer, and a whole slew of unpleasant feelings. That’s OK. That’s normal. Your feelings are valid. However, the most important tenant is to do what needs to be done in spite of how you feel. Be brave, wipe any tears that you shed, and face this challenge with strength and resolve. If it was your fault, then learn from your mistakes. If you don’t think it was justified, then there’s nothing you can do but move on. People fall out of love, just like accidents happen, illnesses happen, and everyone will die someday. You got to roll with the punches.
Even when you're dealing with an inconsiderate narcissist, do the right thing and take the higher road.
"What can I do?!"
You might be asking this, and it’s the million dollar question. In my personal experience, and after a few breakups and some trial and error, I have learned a methodical way of dealing with a breakup.
1. Maintain Space:
As soon as you have that unpleasant talk, and before you walk away or hang up, make your position clear. If you disagree, say so respectfully. If you agree and your breakup is mutual, make sure to make that clear. However, you should explicitly express your desire for space. Don’t crawl into the friendzone. Do not call, text, email, Instagram, hangout, converse… etc. Cut all communications, but do so after you clearly express that intension, only out of courtesy. It doesn’t matter if your ex still wants to stay friends or not. Your primary objective is for you to heal. How your ex feels about this particular directive is irrelevant.
Sometimes it's better to be alone than to be in pursuit of someone who broke your heart.
Things may be a bit more complicated if you have interact with your ex on a daily basis, like at work or school, or if you have mutual friends. The best approach is to keep things courteous and mundanely professional. That means, no flirting, excessive smiling, or talking about anything personal. I mean absolutely nothing! I am not saying that you should be angry with your ex, or mistreat your ex. In fact, you need to hold yourself at a high standard no matter what the conditions of the breakup were.
What happens when you don't keep things classy.
2. Purge or Lock Away Memorabilia
The first measure is adopted towards your ex specifically, and directly. Next, you have to deal with anything that reminds you of your ex. You should dispose of anything that reminds you of your ex. Return any gifts. Throw away stuff. You should at least stash things away. If you don’t want to throw something away, just put it in a box, seal it, and stash it in the deepest darkest corner of your closet or far away storage unit. This follows the principle of “out of sight; out of mind”.
Just take it all the way to the back. All the way!
Just make sure you label it with some kind of hazard sign.
3. Take Control of Your Thoughts and Emotions
You still keep remembering your ex. You keep seeing her in the face of every woman you date. You still see his reflection behind you in the mirror every morning. You have had a strong emotional bond with this individual, and because of that, their memory still occupies your mind. Sure, getting rid of all physical evidence of their role may have helped a little, but you can’t unsee, unhear, or unfeel them. Sure, it’s not as serious as the death of a loved one, or losing multiple limbs, but you are grieving a relatively big loss. It is now time to strengthen and condition your mind to deal with this loss.
First, control your behavior. Stay away from places you associate with your ex, at least for a while. Do not talk about your ex. Do not ritualize behaviors that you exhibited when you were with your ex. Do not participate in conversations about your ex unless it’s for constructive purposes. No pity parties allowed!
When OK Girl and Derp pass the same bench after breaking up. The reverse may be true.
Second, distract yourself. Being in a relationship imposes a lot of time demands. Now that you’re single, you now have more time for yourself, and instead of spending it thinking about someone who is gone, focus on something (or even someone) else. Take up a new hobby. Start working out, or if you already do, work out a bit more (but don’t overdo it). Go volunteer somewhere. Pick up playing a musical instrument, painting, or video games. Do something constructive. Learn how to do something, like carpentry, or cooking. An idle mind tends to wander into the darkness.
If a llama pops out of no where, chances are it will be very surprising, distracting, and possibly even terrifying.
Third, if all else fails, go for a negative psychological association. It’s a simple concept, but requires some discipline: Every time you remember your ex, always force your mind to recall the most negative thing about them. This in by no means a call to hate your ex, or use that as an excuse to vilify them. It is merely a reminder of one thing: Good riddance. You are far less likely to long for someone who deeply hurt your feelings. You are unlikely to miss someone who mistreated you. In fact, if your ex cheated on you, or broke up with you in one of the worst ways possible, then that’s some of the best mental ammunition you can use.
If your mind is still plagued with excessive bias in spite of that, there is another, more drastic approach: aversive conditioning. If all else fails, you can condition yourself not to have these feelings of longing anymore. The reason why you still have these feelings is that your mind is conditioned to favor your ex because it associates them with the strong feelings of love and happiness that you experienced in the past. It is now time to exploit your mind’s ability to create associations to do the opposite. Every time you remember your ex, recall something that you disliked about them, and if that’s not enough, think of an arbitrary negative memory or sensation, like recalling a putrid smell, or horrible taste you may have experienced in the past. Do that every single time you recall your ex.
There is no medicine that can help you get over your ex. This one is used to treat alcoholism though.
The "Do Not Do" List:
After having discussed what some strategies you can adopt to cope, there are a number of things that you should not do after a breakup. Many people let their emotion get the better of them. Again, it’s OK to experience emotions. It’s not OK to let them lead you to behave irrationally or against your own interests. Here are a number of things that you should not do after a breakup.
1. Do Not Lash Out
Feeling anger is normal. Lashing out physically or verbally may be the worst thing to do, and responding physically is particularly worse. The moment you raise your hand to your soon-to-be ex, then you have failed miserably.
This may be a big exaggeration, but there is some truth to this.
2. Do Not Beg
Begging does not work. Most people who made up their minds about breaking up with someone at least subconsciously expect some begging to be directed their way. You want to maintain some power and confuse your ex? Just maintain your composure. I am not sure what to call that exactly, other than “reverse psychology”. If you beg, your ex’s resolve to leave you may strengthen. If you keep your cool, and stay calm and composed, they might get thrown off-guard.
Not at all. Nope!
Also, even more importantly, you have to have some self-respect. Begging someone else debases you. Don’t do it no matter how tempted you might be. If you incessantly keep begging as well as lash out, you risk becoming the crazy ex. Don’t be the crazy ex.
No. No, I don't miss you. I thought you'd get a hint after the restraining order. For the love of all that is good, decent, and holy, please JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!! T_T
3. Do Not Mope
Feeling sad is a normal and reasonable emotion after a breakup. People experience and express sadness differently, and to each their own. However, fight the urge to plummet into depression and helplessness. If you are sadness is too excessive, it may be a symptom of clinical depression or another serious mood disorder. In that situation, you should seek help. Even if you do not develop a mental illness or mood disorder, it is always helpful to find support in others in times of crisis or difficulty.
Being surrounded by good people who care about you is a true blessing.
4. Do Not Hold a Grudge
Ultimately, it is very important to emphasize forgiveness. Even if it is impossible in the immediate aftermath, it has to be your most important goal. Do not forget your ex, or what they have done for you or to you. However, make it your mission to forgive your ex. One of the best ways to be able to forgive is to remember that no one is perfect. If you have wronged others, you would hope that they would forgive you as well. Forgiving your ex however does not dictate that you remain in their life. Beware the friendzone. If you do become friends with your ex, that’s OK depending on the situation and circumstances surrounding your breakup. Wanting space from your ex does not necessarily entail anger or hatred. Letting go of a grudge is more of a necessity for your emotional well-being than anything else.
Why would you have your ex fix your car? You're lucky he's just charging you a lot and not sabotaging your breaks. Remember the first rule: SPACE! Stay away!
In Conclusion:
Dealing with breakups is a part of life. Some people know how to deal with them and move on, and others allow them to destroy them. However, it is important to remember that not all breakups are created equal. Some situations might be more complicated or serious than others. And don’t get me started on relationships plagued with abuse, or a contentious and unrelenting divorce. Ultimately, the one common trait for those who are able to navigate through difficult partings is grit.
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