Breaking up with someone when you love them: It blows!

[OlderAndWiser]

I hate you! Don't leave me!

Since February, 2018, I have been dating a lady who is . . . different. She says that she is devoted to me, she adores me, and I am the love of her life. However, I have realized that her actions don't match her words. I don't think she is trying to deceive me, lead me on, use me, etc.; I think she is being as honest with me as she is with herself. I think she lacks self-awareness and she has a big internal disconnect between her feelings and her executive control center.

This lady is fairly bright and well versed in many subjects. She is tender hearted, gentle, loves animals, and is very loyal. However, she has a few significant problems which are somewhat interrelated.

1. I see elements of borderline personality disorder in her

I am very aware of this condition, have encountered it previously, and should have been en garde, but . . . women with BPD can be quite charming and I met her when I had experienced five or six unsatisfactory and brief dating relationships. I wanted a good woman to materialize and there she was.

When someone with BPD loves you, they love you with their whole heart. When they feel threatened, they attack with every fiber of their being. Their lives tend to be disorganized and they tend to be hoarders or pack rats. I saw some warning signs but I thought that I would be good for her, she would be good for me, and I could tolerate the problems.

I was wrong!

She has a hard time getting along with co-workers and always has excuses for why no one at work likes her. It seems that her co-workers always have tacit conspiracies against her and the supervisors are complicit. She has been dismissed from two jobs in the past ten months.

2. She drinks at least a liter of wine almost every day

When she has been drinking, she becomes less lucid, even irrational at times, and is much more argumentative. She has excuses for why she drinks so much. First, she says it is her culture. She is 1/4 Mohican but claims the culture that supports her drinking is Sicilian culture; she was married to a second generation Sicilian-American for 32 years and was fairly well integrated into her husband's family. She also spent ten years living in Nicaragua and claims that she adopted her drinking habits from Nicaraguan culture.

3. She has had severe GI symptoms which have bothered her for months

Her symptoms were so severe that she recently had an endoscopy and, since she did not have insurance, I paid for that out-of-pocket. Immediately after the endoscopy, she stopped drinking for about a week and she was doing much better. Briefly, I was very happy and relieved, but then she resumed being a wino!

I previously told her that her alcohol use was probably causing or aggravating her symptoms but, of course, she dismissed my opinion; I do not know anything because I am not a physician. Then two physicians told her that alcohol was a contributing factor in her gastritis (I was present when they told her that) and she now denies that they ever made those statements. Her gastroenterologist prescribed a high dose of omeprazole but she refuses to take that because "it's not a good medication" and it would somehow interfere with her self-prescribed treatment plan of drinking only organic vegetable and fruit juices.

During the days, I go to work and, since she was terminated from her last job in mid-March, she sits at home and does nothing. The house is a mess because of her and she can't even straighten up her own mess.

My frustration and aggravation has reached a boiling point. I have tried everything else and nothing has worked, so I recently gave her an ultimatum: stop drinking by May 15, have a job, or move out. I know that ultimatums don't work and I know where this will lead, but I simply cannot continue to live with the stress of her self-destructive and irrational behavior.

The tragedy is that, if she stopped drinking, she would be a wonderful partner for me and I could envision being with her the rest of my life. However, I know that I am not going to change her and I must accept the inevitable.

I love her but it is draining me and I refuse to let her drag me down any more. When this is over, I will know that I sent away a woman who I love! There are no winners in this game!

Okay, I've ranted but it doesn't make me feel better. I know how this resolves. I'll take some time to lick my wounds, I'll learn some lessons from this experience, then it will be time to move on.

After a while, this gets SO old!!!

[LSKJA]

I think it's up-to you
You know where your heart, mind and your conscious lie, your mind tends to rule your heart until you can't dismiss your conscious anymore... and it sounds like that's where you are.
It also sounds to me, like this is more than an ultimatum, it's your line in the sand, 'enough is enough', we all have a point of enough - and I can understand...

Having bpd I can partly understand both, there are things here that I don't have, a couple I do, but I think not just having bpd probably makes it the case..
... And I can't drink a lot because if I do it triggers me, and I know it does, however my thinking isn't black and white if anything, I think too much.
But I think the difference is, is I know what and why 'I'm me', and accept it, it just means I have to face it... that's not always easy... so I understand part of each.
Take care... if it comes too pass, the end of a chapter in life is never easy, but it's not the end of a life story though...
If you need an ear I'm only a message away, (Although I can't type all that fast)

[OlderAndWiser]

I appreciate your offer of support!

[EclipseoftheHeart]

I'm surprised you didn't see the signs before you fell in love with her, because if you did you are partially to blame for your predicament. Either way, I'm also surprised you put up with it for so long. It is very hard to cure an alcoholic. But I guess they are not really cured, but "in recovery" as a single drink can set them back to Go.

[OlderAndWiser]

Yes, I have accepted my contributing fault in this problem.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I'm incredibly sorry you are going through this, and I hope you are holding up well to this, and she as well.

The reasons you listed effectively show that even though there is a sincere feeling, if one ot the parties doesn't put in enough work and efforts, the relationship can't go on.
Because let's face it, love doesn't solve everything.
It can and should be a stimulus to work on and improve, and in healthy relationships it's like that - my girlfriend and I have huge flaws that if left unchecked would surely bring our relationship to ruin, and that's why we are constantly working on ourselves and each other.

You wrote a very deep and beautiful myTake, that wil serve both as a shared experience and knowledge and as cautionary tale.
Again, I renew my wishes for things to go well, and for both of you to feel better and going through this break up in the less painful way possible.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thanks for MHO!

[coachTanthony]

Love can be draining at times but it shouldn't be a bathtub with a hole in it for the rest of your life. When it comes to this situation you really do need to be OLDER AND WISER! It blows but definitely the right move! Good luck man!

[coachTanthony]

Hey thanks for MhO

[lightbulb27]

I read a bunch of comments, not all. We both know the alcohol is not the problem, alcohol is the preservative to keep her numb so she doesn't deal with the real issues deep inside. That real pain and traumatic life experiences is what needs dealt with in addition to addiction. You have tendency to be a care giver and I totally understand reaching wits end, drawing an ultimatum, and are wise enough to know it won't work. Nevertheless, I think... is there another option?

An alternative path I can think of... is to change the type of work... to try to give her a path out of this... which is a discussion about if she wants to get to a better place in herself. I'd be tempted to go to a dangerous feeling place life a cliff or bridge to stimulate emotion so she decides she sees a new perspective. That's the "hit rock bottom" thing, don't want to die, thus I have to change.. and the irony is people aren't allowed to die fast, but they are allowed to kill themselves slowly.

People often don't understand what is going on and get overwhelemed and the system (mind, spirit, body) gets locked in a self fulfilling decline. The system doesn't want to change, it's self reinforcing. I didn't, I had no idea there were things wrong with me, I saw it as normal. Normal is messed up.

So, if she's willing to bite on progress, take baby steps, then give her homework assignments to do on herself... e. g. work, with the hope that work turns into something greater. You may have to disconnect somewhat and be a caregiver, that's the role that was taken on. There are various tools one can use: journal her life experiences and emotions (Jewel has a program online... jewelneverbroken. com), re-work those life experiences to heal the traumas, meditation, watch videos on self worth, healing, etc.. . E. g. part of her "work" is to work on herself for say, a few hours a day, then to do some side job of some kind... walk dogs, grow some herbs, help other people, whatever. Therapist... she may not realize she needs yet, can't see it or doesn't want to, but good if she was teamed up with someone else who did that... she won't listen to you... I doubt it. Group therapy probably best.

I'm engaged in a program launching this year to help people like this, there are a plethora of people who need help, who are living frozen. It was pulled together by a therapist over 45years of experience and is rolling out to churches this year, being tested in a few places now. Wish I could hand that out, but fyi the resources are out there and coming.

She may have to be away from you to heal... that is suffer more, not sure. She has to get to where there is a reason to change, a hope, a purpose, rather than focus on the mistakes, losses, and disconnects.

L-Glutamine helps GI tract, but nothing works unless the emotions are healed and the agitating foods are removed. It's all a system.

It's a tough job, not just men deal with this, women too. Being a caregiver for a sick person, have my respect. I know people who've been married and doing this for 30-40yrs.

There is another side of this, which is the "you" side, as you if there are healthier women out there and can you attract them, that part of you that accepts this woman, knowing her flaws. There is logic, and there is emotion. There may be things to work on in yourself, but that is another subject.

Lastly, I'm glad GAG is here, but hope you have a good support network of friends and family. This is a general problem I see for men in general, that we don't have the support resources when we go through stuff like this, it's a real issue.

[mobster30]

Hats of to you man. I to am in relationship that sounds a lot like your.( Or so I think) it's been a year and no change but rather worse. I don't have a degree but I read way more then your average person. This was not always so. I come from a pretty dark past where to my lack of knowledge or maybe selfe awareness was being used to destroy me and everything around but I used it as fuel and a mean to navigate the way I thought was best. On a side note I do not agree that u need an education or something backing you other then experience. I do read my fair share of things on the topic of psychology but would not put myself in a category of anything more then a avid reader. @JonRock I don't get how u found a place on this Earth that gave merit or credentials to try and discredit someone miss using words. people don't go to school for many years to get the privilege to make evaluations. One of many reasons why people go to school is go get knowledge in a subject because they don't have experience. But I am way of subject and that go me in my feeling because I to battle this on the daily. A women that I love will say things like ur not a doctor or a mechanic because of no degree knowing damn well tomorrow I will have to fix the car not a mechanic. I can't put up with much more from her with the lies. At least that what I call them. Its always not what I said not what I meant and it's all situational. And the no accountability and I mean none is driving to places i thought I was leaving far behind on this self help or growth jurney. Everything starts with u know how u made, how I feel. That it's draining. But I have to stop here because I am venting way to long, people don't deserve this. We both know we can't help someone if they don't want to help them selves.

[OlderAndWiser]

You are right. Formal education is only one way to gain knowledge. Some people gain knowledge through experience and from educating themselves. The great advantage of the internet is that is makes knowledge accessible to all of us, not just those who could afford to attend a university.

[Anonymous]

I recently had to break up with my boyfriend, who I still love, because he is moving far away. Neither of us want to do long-distance, because we both know that it would never work. It's too far away and neither of us can compromise and give up what we already have (family, friends, job etc). It really sucks because I truly feel like this guy is my soulmate, and I wish teleportation existed.

So I know what you're going through. Maybe not in terms of our situations being the exact same, but in terms of us having to leave someone we love because we know that it ultimately won't work. It sucks so hard. I don't think I've ever been this upset. All I want to do is try to fix it and work things out, because I've never been one to give up easily, especially when it comes to personal relationships. But deep down I know that I've mentally gone through every possibly scenario, and I always end up at the most realistic one: breaking up. So in that sense, I guess I'm blessed because I know that this is for the best and I know that there will be no "what ifs", but that doesn't mean the pill is any easier to swallow.

It helps knowing that someone is going through something similar. So thank you for sharing your take.

[SarahsSummer]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I have had similar issues in my relationships. One thing I learned and would caution you on is that I doubt the drinking is the true problem. the problem is her BPD or another psychological imbalance and the alcohol is her way of self medicating, which is obviously causing other problems. I'm not sure how or if your ultimatum will work to bring you OR her happiness. You ultimately need to focus selfishly on your own self preservation and she needs to go through therapy and possible a proper medication prescription

[OlderAndWiser]

Yes, your observations about making decisions based on self-interest are absolutely consistent with my thinking. Since last Tuesday, she has only drank two glasses of wine, so I am very guardedly optimistic!

[SarahsSummer]

I wish you all the best. Unfortunately, I think even after she's stayed off the alcohol for some time, you'll still need to be guarded. Good luck.

[OlderAndWiser]

Yes, I have some familiarity with BPD but she has not been too bad when she is not under the influence. She exhibits some occasional mild paranoid thinking, is somewhat asocial, and is a lone wolf except for her relationship with me. She is an outstanding mother to our two cats; BPDs tend to do better with pets rather than humans, and she has a very tender heart.

[SarahsSummer]

I hope it can work out. From what I know of you, you seem to be an intelligent and caring man who deserves to be happy and fulfilled.
<3

[Finchie40]

If she loves you she would be making an attempt. to. get help, so by u giving her an ultimatum is not a bad thing considering you are dealing with someone with a mental illness that is taking a toll on you as well. I been in this type of relationship so i know what you are. going. through bro, and I know exactly what you are. going. through , its like she has this little demon living in her and it attacks u from time. to time but when it goes away you have your girl back , you are basically living with Dr Jeykll Me Hyde so by loving someone like this always leaves a question Mark on your head whether they Truly love you or they r just playing you , best thing to do is just to focus on you , when she gets mean and aggressive towards u just walk away and Yes give her the ultimatums , if she doesn't come chasing u then time for u to move on , you can only give someone sooo much without receiving so dont hurt yourself over it your health and your well being is more important , she does love u but she has an illness that due can't control , so by u focusing on u and u standing. ypir ground she Will realize what she is losing if she doesn't get help , all u can do Brother, cuz if she loves u she Will get help if not then u know Its over

[BlackRoseFairy]

The sad truth is that no matter how good your intentions are, if she doesn't realise that she needs help you won't be able to help her. She lives in her little bubble and it has become so solid that you can't burst it... I had the same issue with my ex. He couldn't accept that anything else existed beyond the things he believed in. As much as it hurts you have to save yourself...

[OlderAndWiser]

This is an ugly, horrible, undeniable truth. Sometimes, being an adult really blows!

[BoobMan]

That sounds rough man! Good luck. I think you're right that the outcome is inevitable and if you can't take it anymore then it totally makes sense to end it by May 15. I would say if she's going to improve, the only way is if it's a little bit at a time. And the only way she can do that is to find something she actually wants to improve and start there. I'd probably recommend she just focus on sleep, diet and exercise and ONLY that for a few weeks to try to stabilize herself. But that would mean being VERY disciplined about getting those things sorted. I think you're right that she won't make it though.

[OlderAndWiser]

Last Saturday, I came home and found her unconscious in our backyard. She had fallen and was breathing rapidly and very shallowly. I called 911 and she was admitted to the hospital. Her BP was 70/40, she had a fever of 104 degrees, she was very dehydrated. She had aspiration pneumonia and a pleural effusion. She was started on IV antibiotics and then had a severe allergic reaction to the antibiotics.

She is better now but still in the hospital. I considered the possibility of her pretending to be injured to manipulate me, but you can't pretend to have fluid in your lungs or a BO of 70/40. She says this has been a wake up call and she will stop drinking. I am aware of the "finding Jesus in the foxhole" phenomenon and I am anxious to see how she behaves when she comes home from the hospital.

Stay tuned.

[BoobMan]

Yeah. Sounds like it didn't help that she had a reaction to the antibiotics either. Do they have any idea what caused the illness? Was it the booze or something else?

[OlderAndWiser]

She has some alcohol related problems, which are all reversible at this point. That is what has her scared. The pleural effusion is not alcohol related. They drained over a liter of fluid from her chest cavity. The allergic reaction obviously was not alcohol related; she developed a very widespread rash on her body and huge, blisters (one was 2" in diameter) on her legs. Still no definitive diagnosis that I have been told; the treatment has been directed at symptom relief and not directed at an underlying cause.

As long as she is willing to work on solving this problem, I'll stand with her. If she returns to drinking, she will be looking for a new home address.

[BoobMan]

Damn! Sounds like quite a scare. If you are going to work on it with her I'd suggest you get her to focus on one and only one thing--in this case getting healthy again. And then just build everything around that, from what time she gets up to what she'll eat each day to how and when she'll exercise, and what she'll do when she's not eating, sleeping and exercising (like cleaning up the place or reading or something). Basically something that gives her structure with some flexibility, but not SO much that she ends up boozing again.

Focus on the job thing (much) later. Good luck!

[OlderAndWiser]

Right. The job/generating money thing is fairly insignificant to me. I want her to get healthy and to get her head screwed on right. Then she can get a job.

[BoobMan]

Best of luck man!

[OlderAndWiser]

Thanks for the support.

[Garyisboredlol]

I get the feeling you treat women like Princess's you probably get her a cup of tea in bed before you go to work and cooked her tea in the evening and probably do the housework and washing too. Im just guessing this from reading between the lines but if some of that is true she probably feels bored and feels controlled by you even though quite clearly it is not your intention. One litre of wine a day does not make her a wino that is probably 4 good size glasses its not like she is drinking from morning to night.
Get her out with you weekends and a couple of times during the week a change from the normal routine can work wonders
If i was wrong at the beginning i appologise it just sounds all to familiar and i was basing it on my own mistskes
Good luck i hope you sort things out

[OlderAndWiser]

No, I treat her well but I also expect her to treat me well and to handle her share of the chores around the house, especially when she is unemployed.

She is a thin woman, wears a size 2 dress and a liter or more of wine per day for her is excessive. When she wakens, she pours a glass of wine and sips it throughout the day. All of our unpleasant arguments occur when she is under the influence. Also, I saw the pictures of her stomach lining and the result speaks for itself. Alcohol is very much a problem in her life.

I try hard to not be controlling on other issues but I am certain that she sees me as controlling on two issues: drinking alcohol and following doctor's recommendations. Those are two areas which are deal breakers for me. If she doesn't follow doctor's orders and her GI condition does not improve, I pay a price in many ways.

[Garyisboredlol]

Ok then as others say you have done your best and perhaps it is time to go. On the wine side there are cheap wines that are only 6% volume or there abouts this would cut her intake by half and she might not even notice. Tell her its because she isn't working and your cutting back

[Cheryl_Sim]

I always read your stories and this one makes me feel really sad. You made the right decision. This woman is full of nonsense. My best friend is also like that and I abandon him with great sorrow and pain.
This too shall pass!

The Bible says that faith without work is dead. The same applies to love. Love without work is also dead. If she really loved you, her action will match her words. This is logic.

[Cheryl_Sim]

abandoned*

[Cheryl_Sim]

@When someone with BPD loves you, they love you with their whole heart.

Seems true according to my life experiences. But how about non-BPD people? Tons of them also love with all their hearts but without all the nonsense, baggage, frustration and heartache.

[Cheryl_Sim]

And one of your myTakes is the one who helped me to abandon my best friend who is full of nonsense. You said that it is like reading the same book over and over again but with the same ending cos the characters in the story never changed. Now I gift back the same words to you :- )

[OlderAndWiser]

Yes, you are absolutely correct!

[Cheryl_Sim]

@She SAYS that she is devoted to me, she adores me, and I am the love of her life.

Action speaks louder than words. I wonder if words of affirmation is your primary love language.

By logic, which women won't adore you? You are a wonderful person and is so outstanding.

[Cheryl_Sim]

You are a very good person. I empathise with your situation.

[OlderAndWiser]

Your words are very kind!

[JonRock]

Difficult situation. Don't try and make psychiatric evaluations based on your personal interpretation of available data. This can lead to unfair stigma. There is a reason why people go to School many years prior to being allowed that privilege. On the other hand she sounds like an anchor and are you willing to sink? Is it ever going to get better? Probably not.

[OlderAndWiser]

You are 119 years old so you may not be aware of this but I attended two years of graduate school in clinical psychology and did psychiatric evaluations for 5½ years. I actually have a great amount of experience at this.

[JonRock]

In that case you should be aware of interpreting the DSM as a diagnostic tool to facilitate your evaluation of this woman. It would appear your credentials offer you the ability to make decisions relating to both you and your friends neurosis. Which begs the question as to what advice you desire from us laypersons. My pseudo intellectual advice would be to do what you already know what needs to be done. You can't save everyone and you don't have to martyr yourself for a person beyond intervention.

[OlderAndWiser]

I am not trying to be a therapist to her but simply use my knowledge to move her i the right direction, if possible.

[crazy8000]

The ultimatum thing only gonna mess it up more.

It's better you face it that you two are a mismatch that you two doesn't work. (you have hard time to accept her for who she is with everything, that is a must with someone like her. she is an alcohol addict, more accurate a wine addict, just face it. also an BPD works different how they express feelings and interpret the world, they have huge problems with the relationship area no matter what kind of it it is )

Don't forget to be extremely clear without any doubt or maybes when you break up.
Try go the way there you say that you can't handle a person like her...
If you do it the right way you doesn't get stalker style problems.

The best is if you get some other place for her to live there you aren't involved in the contract or payment. the best timing is when she has a work.

[NEOTUNIA2U]

She just might be depressed about her job and her health. Sorry to learn that you have came to this point by initiating the break up. Excessive wine drinking and juicing can cause health issues, she really needs to acknowledge that.

[OlderAndWiser]

She has a lifelong history of not adapting well and of alienating people close to her.

If you are asking yourself, "How could this guy date this girl for a year and still be with her?" trust me, I am asking myself that same question.

[NEOTUNIA2U]

Well I didn't ask that, obviously you were serious about her and have love for her that is enough to overlook her flaws. Nobody is purrfect. :)

[OlderAndWiser]

When she is not drinking, she is still a bit quirky but she has a tender heart of gold. And I do love her.

She stopped drinking last Wednesday and has only had one glass of wine since then.

[NEOTUNIA2U]

That is sweet of you to share your feelings and still have hope for you two. Good news is that she already started to reduce her daily drinking habit.

[djmzes]

Learn from it is more important than tellling it.

[RoastedCharms]

Love is a strange thing which controls us. It sounds like she's a wonderful lady, but one who needs to resolve some issues. No one is going to resolve them for her until she realizes she has to do something about them. I respect your decision, it's not an easy one, but I think the right one.

[hellokitty96_18]

Get her into some therapy if you can convince. Tell her that if you don’t then we can’t be together. Your significant other is your friend. Don’t just turn your back on her be Corning’s are hard

[OlderAndWiser]

I have tried everything I can think of but she is quite resistant to accepting responsibility for any of this. This is the last resort.

[SexyAshh]

To be honest sounds like types of guys i date.

Even though im smart i tend to attract people with deep seated issues like magnets.

Actions not matching words sounds like me. I am very unaware of how i come off, which apparently is unnapproachable and superior. Im just detached a lot, and in my head. I do mean the words i say though always, I wouldn't say it at all if i did not.

[Mr1987Joe]

This is real bummer, dude. I'm sorry to have to read this.

On the plus side, though, it's admirable that you have the courage to dial down your emotions and crank up the juice on your rationality.

[OlderAndWiser]

I frequently advise others: Follow your heart into a relationship, follow your head out of a relationship.

[JohnAlaska43]

Well you put up with her problems to long. Im sorry she is that way. Im sorry you fell for her lnowing the signs.
Stick with your ultimatum and dont take her back unless she truelly stops drinking.

[OlderAndWiser]

She had only had two glasses of wine in the past 6 days. So far, so good, but stay tuned!

[JohnAlaska43]

I wish the best for you. I hope she changes for the good.

[OlderAndWiser]

She has great potential but I am maintaining realistic expectations.

[JohnAlaska43]

yes for sure

[HOAAH]

does she know all this you just told us? also, i am curious as to what happened in her first marriage and if that could be why she is the way she is.

[OlderAndWiser]

I think that it is more likely that her first marriage ended in divorce because her husband got tired of tolerating her mental illness and perhaps she was also drinking excessively back then.

[Dchrls78104]

It's a sad reality that sometimes we have to let someone or something go that we love because the person or think is toxic. You could have enabled her like so many others do, but in the end she would have destroyed you along with herself. Ultimately, everyone is responsible for his/her own self.