Ladies: Don't Make Your Disappointing Dating Situation Worse

Ladies, have you ever been disappointed by how you were treated in a relationship with someone you loved? Ignored? Neglected? Or maybe even getting led on by someone in the dating scene, and you get the sinking feeling that it is not going anywhere?

Fortunately, the rational explanation is that it was HIS character flaws, not yours, that led to his mistreatment. Many would assume that a guy would simply cut off a relationship if it was not satisfying to him, or if he found himself being cruel or neglectful to his significant other. Sadly, these situations can die a slow, painful death when you are with the wrong person.

There is a lot of bogus, woman-blaming advice on the internet for this problem, but I want to set the myths out there straight with my own experiences and events I have witnessed. There is no magic fix for the following problems, no matter what you do. This advice is very tough to hear when you are crazy about a man and things used to be great between you two. This advice applies whether the mistreatment/neglect happened quickly or after a while. I hope this article's techniques will not scare you away from relationships, but rather act as a shield to guard you from hurting yourself unnecessarily.

Disclaimer: I realize that not all men display the following behaviors, and many are more than worthy of relationships with lovely, caring women. This article only bashes certain behaviors and insincerity that some men choose to practice.

These forms of mistreatment can certainly be done by women as well. I am specifically talking about males who perpetrate this behavior in this article because I mostly see this behavior in males during my own life experience. These actions can be damaging to a person, so the point of this article is to show how she can modify her behavior (e.g. leaving quickly) to minimize the damage caused by destructive individuals who choose hurtful dating styles.

1) Do Not Stay When He Tests Your Boundaries

When a guy disrespects you in any way, he should get dumped. If he violates your deal-breakers, even if he does it deliberately and excuses himself by saying you set your boundaries a long time ago (implying you should have changed by now), walk away. He does not respect you and thus does not deserve to be with you. All of his other qualities do not matter. When you stay with a guy after he gives you the grief of neglect, disrespect, pushing your boundaries, or verbal/physical/emotional abuse, you are CONDONING the behavior and rewarding him, whether you want to or not.

Also, if he does not try to contact you at least once a day or every two days (with instant messaging and texts he has no excuse), doesn't make plans to see you, and/or is just generally not seeming anxious to see you, he is not worth your time and tears.
"Whether you are dating or in a relationship, his lack of action indicates that he does not want you anymore."

He should make plans with you in advance, instead of waiting until the day of the hangout to say when exactly he can hang out and wasting hours of your time. If he has enough money and time to get rip-roaring drunk at the bar with his friends yet will not take you out anywhere, you know he is not trying hard enough for you. If he grumbles about free or low-cost date suggestions you have, or only goes if you do the driving and/or paying, he does not care. Whether you are dating or in a relationship, his lack of action indicates that he does not want you anymore, even if he previously pursued you.


2) Do Not Take Him Back if He Treats You Badly

People will not change unless they have the inner motivation to change for themselves. Most of us have heard about the pleading a guy can do after he messed up in a relationship. He may promise to do the following: change, never do the bad behavior again, start doing nice things, start taking you out, etc. This usually fails miserably, as the new "changes" will cause him to resent you, and you will detect the insincere and fleeting nature of his new approach.

If he REALLY liked or loved you, he would not have treated you the way he did. A guy can profess his love and what he likes about you until he is blue in the face, but absolutely none of it matters unless he backs it up with actions. Those actions include but are not limited to respecting you, not inflicting verbal/physical harm on you, providing you a reasonable amount of attention, and not neglecting your needs for physical and emotional intimacy (if he agreed to be physically/emotionally intimate). If he failed to do any of this, he failed you. A guy who fails you will only fail you again if you take him back.

Even in casual dating, this applies. I was seeing one guy who volunteered to give me his number, and we hit it off. We liked each other but were both enduring tough times and wanted to take things slow. We went out to eat and shopped together a few times. He wrote long messages to me about how I was a treasure, sexy, beautiful, etc. He said he was only seeing me and wanted to be my boyfriend in time. He wanted me to come over to his house to hang out, but I told him I was not ready for that yet and wanted to meet in public again.

Gradually, he went from texting me everyday to every few days and blamed his phone service for "not getting" my messages. Then, he said he was focused on his family problems and was unable to hang out. After that, he said he was feeling sick. The texts were sparse and the excuses piled up. One day, I broke down and cried alone in my room, accepting that this guy was acting lame and obviously not into me. I liked him a lot and thought we had wonderful physical and personality chemistry (he certainly said so in his many messages).

Gogus olculeri
A few months later, he texted me, saying how he was sad because he missed talking to me. I responded that I was surprised to hear that, as he stopped texting me and no longer wanted to hang out, and that I accepted he was not into me. Then he went on this long ramble about how family issues have made him feel like he was not datable anymore and he was so distressed by it he could not be himself around me. I told him I would have listened, assured him he was just as desirable, and would have given him space had he just told me that when he was pulling away.

However, I then said that by doing the "fade-out" weeks before, he made it clear that he was not into me, so I took the hint and was over him. He firmly disagreed, but I made up my mind despite his offers to see me again.

I surmise that he was pursuing someone else and he used me as Plan B, because his situation does not have much stigma in our society anymore, and his excuse was plausible but could have been exaggerated. Either way, as much as I think he is a nice person overall and will eventually grow up and make a good boyfriend for someone, I am glad I set him straight and let him know he blew it with me by not being honest and stringing me along.

3) Stop Apologizing for Standing Up for Yourself

When you set boundaries and say you will not accept certain behaviors from him, never apologize for being assertive and call yourself "b*tchy." Stop apologizing for asking for what you want/need. Stop apologizing for having a different personality, opinion, or interests. Stop apologizing if he starts abusing you, manipulating you, or guilt-tripping you. Just stop. Now. Please. It is never your job to mold into whatever he wants. However, it is your job to walk away if he does not like you as you are.

4) Do Not Beg

Ladies, has a guy ever wanted to leave you, but you refused to accept it? You may think that begging is just a way to show a partner that you actually did not want to break up when you were angry at him. You may think that "maybe he was just upset and I can negotiate this." You may think he still loves you and believe him when he says he may want to get back together in the future. You (reasonably) reach this conclusion as you think of times where you or someone you know gave a begging guy a chance because he was inducing guilt or the act seemed romantic.
"Breakups are non-negotiable - all begging will do is help you lose your dignity and increase his disrespect and contempt for you."
In other words, it is generally acceptable and tolerated for a man to beg, and surely it should be okay for women in 2012, right? Sadly, the rules are different for us.

I will tell you this bluntly: the guy does NOT want to be with you if he is breaking up with you. He will most likely never want to be with you again. The WORST thing you can ever do is beg. It never inspires a man to change his mind about leaving you. As breakups are non-negotiable, all begging will do is help you lose your dignity and increase his disrespect and contempt for you. This has happened to women close to me, and even in my own experience:

After weeks of my then-boyfriend not making an effort see me or contact me much (including cancelling on a video-game-at-home date with me that day), I sent an angry text saying I was upset and should be treated better, and that if he really did not want to see me, I did not want to see him. He texted back that "maybe we should break up," and I panicked. He finally called and dumped me after I frantically called him multiple times and left messages. During that painful conversation, I tearfully begged for him to stay. I thought I could fix what was bothering him, and try to lower my expectations further to make him stay. My first priority was having him, and my well-being was on the back burner; something we could work on once I "proved" myself worthy of him.

I wailed that I loved him and did not want him to go. Yet, this begging was an unconscious exploitation of my weakness. The man who once told me he loved me, my personality, and my looks tore apart things about me that were already my insecurities and even things he complimented me on and I thought men generally liked.

He ended up criticizing my body, emotions, affinity for affection, hobbies, etc. He used to treat me in an accepting and loving manner. Yet in this phone conversation he prefaced these hurtful comments with "I don't want to hurt you," but I pressed him to tell me. When I asked "why did you say you were fine with my body type when I asked you in the beginning of our relationship?" he replied that he was just "trying to be a nice guy."
"When a guy dumps you, just give him the impression it doesn't bother you, even if it's killing you inside. He does not deserve that power over you."
I felt so ugly. I could not fathom that he was actually acting like a jerk to get me to go away, so I blamed myself. I promised to work out and get "fit enough" for him, so he reluctantly said we could try again in a week. Thankfully, I talked to my family and gained enough sense to say "I don't want to be with you if you don't want to be with me," and we parted ways for good.

This guy was especially cold and has made it clear he is perfectly happy without contacting me ever again, but I know some guys who will take another route for the same situation: stringing along a dead relationship (because the girl begged for him to stay) and using her up when she's convenient for sex, money, food, and killing time. Then, when it is time for the dude to find someone new, move, or graduate, he officially dumps the girl who did everything she could to save the relationship.
"The butterflies a man can give you is never worth an unsatisfying relationship or mistreatment."

When a guy dumps you, just respond with something like "okay" and give him the impression it does not bother you, even if it is killing you inside. He does not deserve that power over you. He does not deserve the satisfaction of seeing you in pain over him, or an excuse to call you "crazy" and "clingy." Just because he meant a lot to you, and he claimed you meant a lot to him does not mean he actually felt that way.

The incongruence of my ex-boyfriend's kind words and painful words left me confused and wondering what I did wrong.

Unfortunately, I let those soul-shredding words haunt me every day for months, and I could have prevented myself from being so vulnerable if I dumped him earlier or told him I accepted it right away when he dumped me.

5) Acknowledge You Tried Your Best and Accept He Was Not Right for You

The butterflies a man can give you is never worth an unsatisfying relationship or mistreatment. You were not put on this earth to please a man who refuses to do much for you nor compromise your dignity. You deserve to be treated as a human being, not someone to be used and/or ignored. You cannot give a man your all (even sex) and expect him to suddenly start treating you like you treat him.

No matter how good you are to him, no matter how understanding you are, or how much space you give him, or how many lame excuses you accept without question, he will not treat you the way you want to be treated. If not contacting him means you will not see each other often or at all (because he does not contact you much), drop it.

Walk away before you invest too much into a guy who really is not into you.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I agree 100%. It does no good for women to be silent about desires and expectations, to prolong relationships with begging, to prioritize the happiness of a man over themselves, to fall for sweet talk not backed by action, etc. I've been preaching this for years. And the men who commented about droopy butts, bad advice, etc? Manipulators. This advice works against their interests, which is why it's good advice.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • If it's mutually agreed upon, or if one person specifically asks for space, that's fine. I should have specified I meant normal everyday circumstances in which you mostly gave access to your cell phone or have enough time to send a hello/goodnight text. I think not contacting your partner for say, a week and a half is a clear indicator there is no interest, especially with how convenient and easy texting is.

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Join the discussion

What Guys Said 8

  • Blaming men for acting on their true desires isn't right. The hardest part for women who fail in dating to accept is that they are sexually attracted more often than not to men who are very interesting, but also come with many negative traits. A girl is only repeatedly a victim if she chases after the hottest, most emotionally unavailable guys and then asks "what happened"? Most relationships where the woman doesn't get what she wants comes from poor selection in the filtering process early on.

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  • The second point which I think your article did not address properly is that women often intentionally make excuses for dating bad men that they are attracted to on a physical, sexual or emotional level. Meaning that all the warning signs are there, the guy says he only does FWB, the girl doesn't stick to her guns and ask for commitment before sex, etc. Most women who are used by men have only themselves to blame if it happens frequently. It means they are selecting for players, not boyfriends.

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  • Solid article overall, with two point that need to be addressed:

    Men are often very busy and staying in touch every day or two days if often very tiring. Your article which suggests that female propensity towards chattiness is what men should feel is normal. Most men aren't huge chatters and girls feel the need to communicate more often than men do on average. That's nobody's fault, but you need to be more lax in your rule, as some of us work very long hours.

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  • I get the feeling that if you were put in charge of feminism the world would be a 100 times better and less confusing xD

    Great article ^^

    Recognized myself from in #1 a bit >< Altough I would say it depends on what boundaries some people have. If someone who's naturally flirty meets with someone who just hates flirting there's gonna be some negative tension between them, even if they're both just acting honest and natural.

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  • I tried to do a response to this but even in simple point form there was not nearly enough room to type all the errors in judgement youve made here. Don't get me wrong much of what you say is good but an equal amount is totally flawed!

    It is VERY apparent you have no understanding of men what so ever nor do you seem to have any desire to have that understanding.

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  • yes, and wake up at 30 to realize that you are a useless piece of ass that no decently intelligent or attractive guy would touch with a 10-foot pole. Now you have to settle for that pudgy boy who still lives in his parents' basement playing World of Warcraft. And even he might not want your old and droopy ass.

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  • The reason those men are like that, is because those are alpha male traits, and women want alpha males (or so they think). All of them stem from being pigheaded, and full of himself, which are direct results of being an alpha.

    Women don't want a nice guy, they want an alpha male that acts like a nice guy. There aren't enough alpha males to go around, and even fewer of them that aren't negatively effected by all the attention they get (the same can be said of women)

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  • A pretty good article overall, but I do have a few points to make:

    You mentioned that "I if he does not try to contact you at least once a day or every two days," he's not worth it, I do have issues with this in that the girl can try and contact the guy? Or that it is possible the guy works very long hours, and so won't always be able to talk to the girl. I know that during the exam period for uni, my girlfriend and I rarely talk so as not to distract each other.

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What Girls Said 20

  • Very good article. My favorite was your last paragraph especially when you wrote "You were not put on this earth to please a man who refuses to do much for you nor compromise your dignity." Everybody deserves to be treated with love and respect. The problem is that girls don't link the mistreatment with the fact that he is not the right man. They often say "Maybe he was angry...Maybe he wasn't in the mood that day...Maybe he's really busy". It's great to give second chances, but not a third

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  • , fourth, fifth, sixth, etc...every once in a while, we need to stop pause and think if we're REALLY happy. We owe ourselves alot. :) Thanks for this great article!

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  • So, in essence, you're criticism was flawed because it lacked a supporting argument and missed the point of my article. I understand plenty about men. They are human beings, like women, but there are social and biological factors that can make them different and confusing at times. However, that does not mean I will allow a guy to treat me like the scum on the bottom of his shoe then patiently accept it because I "understand" him. Uh, no.

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  • Okay, both of those last two comments are wring.

    And damn nicethnic, why is age 30 suddenly the new 80? I'm sure you're quite the catch for viewing women in young adulthood as pudgy and droopy. Misogyny runs deep on this website. Go back to your WoW, please.

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  • Thanks so much! I'm sorry to hear about that though, what2do123. Trust me, it has taken many individual experiences for me to start seeing this as a holistic issue. I have endured a lot of nonsense from guys, and I finally realized that choosing to accept it never helps your case. I think I finally realize that walking away sooner is the first step to loving yourself first then loving a significant other... if he's worth it.

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  • Also, isn't it on the guy too if he chooses to date a woman who is "beneath" his level? Why is he justified if he wants to lie to a girl or tell her all sorts of things to tear down her self esteem? A 20-something adult should be mature enough to know how to dump someone without destructive attacks on the dumpee.

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  • The point of this article is that a lot of guys may seem wonderful on the inside but will lie or say hurtful things to get what he wants. It's about not ignoring red flags.

    I'm not talking about the unattainable football jock, brainiac genius, millionaire, or male model/actor who plays around because he has more opportunities. I'm talking about your average introverted gamer dude who claims he loves you and is exclusive, initially seems crazy about you, then does a 180 and spews hurtful things.

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  • Regarding your comment about the texting, a simple goodnight text isn't much to ask every day or every two days, depending. Many guys who sit around and do nothing all day cannot be bothered to answer a nice text.

    And as for the post about women selecting players, that isn't always the case. Waiting until being in a relationship (and even saying "I love you") before having sex is no guarantee the guy will still respect you or stay.

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  • I'm not blaming men for their true desires. I think if they pursue what they want, and are honest about it, they could be much happier and would make the women happier.

    The guys who treated me the crappiest were guys who were not very popular, smart, handsome, or ambitious, thank you very much.

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  • Good article. I pirated a book on this topic that was much more extensively written. It called "Bitch are you retarded?" by Carlos J. Lee. xD
    Just noting if people are interested to find it.

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  • Wow. You obviously have no idea what I went through. I think it makes perfect sense to dump someone who doesn't care about you, plain and simple.

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  • *wrong

    *droopy and old, not pudgy.

    But seriously, the whole alpha thing isn't even true as well. Plenty of beta and omega makes know how to treat a girl poorly, and do so with no remorse.

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  • *have access

    But thanks :). I know there are some exceptions but I think most people want to speak with an SO frequently, and infrequent contact with someone supposedly intimate with you indicates either apathy or dread.

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  • I only wish I had such insight at your age. My only excuse is I didn't date as I was raising my son. I've learned some HARD life lessons in my 40s. I wish I could say dating has gotten better. I think I'm a great catch but I get one or two dates b4 the guy disappears - and then he's not even decent enough to say "hey, I'm sorry but I don't think we're right for each other." Which just happened to me TODAY in fact. But I won't call or text. I'll "take the hint" even tho he had 2b a jerk about it.

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  • Fantastic article. You're a smart girl.

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  • Such a great article I can relate so much

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  • *males

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  • Thanks so much! :D

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  • Thank you so much. Very well written.

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  • Awesome article. I definitely agree with #3 - I tend to have that problem. xD

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