Why Your Perspective on Dating May Be Completely Wrong

So recently, I've encountered a whole lot of people who seem to be under the impression that their inability to find a person to date is completely the fault of some sort of massive conspiracy- never due to their own shortcomings or bad luck. Mostly I see this sort of issue among men, though it does occur with women or others as well. And mostly, this issue takes the form of complaining about things like "Why do girls not want to date me if I'm hot and nice and (various other positive attributes)" or "Why do guys always settle for ugly girls/why can't I get a date" or even "why does (askers gender) have to try so much harder than (opposite binary gender) in dating". In the end, this sort of thinking basically boils down to a flawed worldview, which I will hopefully explain here.

People Aren't Things

Why Your Perspective on Dating May Be Completely Wrong

Essentially, the flaw in this particular worldview is a matter of seeing people as commodities or things rather than human beings. People essentially think that if their positive and negative attributes can be somehow totaled up and then traded for the attributes of other by way of dating them. Essentially, "If I am this hot, this confident, this smart, then I deserve to have a person who is equal or lesser in their attributes." Issue is, people aren't that simple, so there's a couple problems with that assumption.

Problem A: People are Complex

First off, there's the issue of adding up the attributes themselves. People are incredibly complex, and there's a whole lot more to us than just a couple major categories like looks and confidence and intelligaence. Not only are there many more categories than that, but the categories themselves can be subdivided into smaller features. In the end, you wind up with almost infinitely many tiny features that might "add or subtract value". And not only are there too many features to reasonably consider, but every individual person values those features differently. There might be broad trends as to what we as humans find attractive, but everyone finds certain things slightly more or less attractive than other people, and places more or less value on those certain things. So basically, if you try to measure your overall "worth" against the "worth" of other people, you're already bound for failure.

Problem B: People Have Free Will

This one seems like it oughta be pretty easy to understand, and yet it seems like so many people don't get this. You can't decide if you "deserve" a person in the first place, because its them who get to decide if they want to be with you. No matter how amazing you may be or what you might have done, no one owes you a romantic or sexual relationship. This particular problem actually manifests especially in terms of people being angry at members of a particular sex for not dating them, which can often be straight up dangerous, as in the several instances where women have been murdered for refusing to go out with particular men. You can't control other people, and other people don't owe you anything, so thinking that you somehow "deserve" to date a person who is so and so hot or so and so smart is utterly ridiculous.

So that's the primary issue I believe to be at hand here, but there are a couple other issues I think play a part as well. Those being:

Other People Might Not Be the Problem

The other major problematic view I see people taking in relation to this is in regards to personal responsibility. Basically, people like to blame anyone but themselves for their inabliltiy to find a date. They say things like "why do I have to put in so much effort for so little gain, this is unfair". Well, if you feel the deal you're getting is unfair, why are you settling for it in the first place? A relationship is a two way street. It's not as if people get to decide that you are now in a relationship with them, and that you have to put in more effort than they do because they say so. Unless there is something very wrong with your relationship, you have to agree to it, and you have the right to call it off if you don't want to be in it any longer. So if you don't want to put in so much effort, don't. Just don't be surprised when you lose potential relationships because of it. After all, as stated above, no one owes you anything.

You're only Seeing Your Side of the Story

This is an issue I see a lot, actually, in many different areas. People feel as though they are doing the majority of the work, regardless of whether they actually are. The main cause of this is that their part of the work is the main part they see, and what they do see of the work everyone else is doing often looks easier than it actually is. It's like that old fable where the farmer thinks his wife has it easy sitting around in the house all day while he plows the field, so he asks her to switch jobs for a day. He of course winds up completely in over his head because he has no idea how many different chores need to be done every day and has no idea how to do them. Basically, you may think you've got a bad deal, but remember that the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence. So it's probably not nearly as unfair as you've convinced yourself it is.


Most Helpful Guy

  • I like this take. I think many people find ways to blame others to save their ego and not actually constructively criticize themselves and work on self-improvement.

    I also noticed some other opinions saying that women or men are overly judgmental and dont give the opposite sex a real chance if they make mistakes or have some flaws. Sure this might be true, but would you really want to date a person like that. Find someone who is actually worth your time and dont blame other people for their flaws. Everyone is flawed so yes they should be less judgmental, but you are being hypocritical by judging them for judging you.

    Yes dating is hard and its feels like you have to constantly jump through people's hoops, but that's how it is because you also have hoops that they have to jump through too. So quit whining and complaining about it and actually start doing something positive for yourself and constantly aim to improve yourself and don't grovel in your own negativity all the time.


Most Helpful Girl

  • This is such a good point! Empathy is is a huge part of relationships. If you're busy with what other people should be appreciating about YOU, you can never appreciate THEM.


Join the discussion

What Guys Said 14

  • This is just so much whining and complaining about something you don't understand, guys. From what you say about us, it's pretty easy to tell you've never really had much contact with actual guys, you know, the ones who aren't made of pixels. Your motivation in writing this doesn't seem to be some much about enlightening anyone as it is one blaming guys for all the issues that exist between the genders. What a sad and bitter person you are.

    • This take is about people in general, I made that very clear. I do mention that these issues tend to pop up more prominently in specific genders, but as a whole I made it very clear that this is not in and of itself a gender-specific issue. Why does everyone seem to think it's gendered? I think that's more an issue of your reading than my writing.

      But in any case, you make it very clear that you are the sort of irrational person who cannot be reasoned with. You are utterly incorrect in basically all the assumptions you just made about both me and my take, but somehow I think trying to make you understand that would be useless. You've already formed your worldview, and regardless of how skewed it is it would take a far greater power than I to make you understand that.

    • hahaha... no she makes some good points. don't complain about this if it hits home.

    • Yeah, I got the same feeling. There are a lot of people on here giving relationship advice who've barely been kissed.

  • i m the guy whos been a gentleman who never cheated while always having optinos.

    I've met the modern pretty girl who oftne is the westernized prostutiute and changed my perspectives.

    now i see whhere sluts fit in and that those girls are only good when you have money.

    5 percent of women are truly worth my time in my opinion.

  • Well guys wouldn't have to complain if women weren't so easily brainwashed by the media. Many good men feel hopeless and emotionally hurt because they see women going for bad boys and ass holes but rejecting good guys. Feminism and the media has done a lot of brain damage to women and yes, this is a deliberate agenda. It IS mostly women's fault. It might not be politically correct to blame women, but the truth is the truth even if no one believes it, and a lie is a lie even if everyone believes it.

    • God, that's such bullshit. I'm pretty sure you're just bitter you can't get a date, that's what it sounds like to me. What you're saying makes absolutely no sense, and you provide no argument at all as to how it actually works, so I have absolutely no reason to believe you.

    • Show All
    • Personally the destruction of the nuclear family and nuclear marriage is a positive step for society.
      It works for some people. But not all. In order for the sexes to be equal, it can no longer be the constricted norm. Society needs to allow new marriage arrangements and family unit structures and recognize them as valid and healthy when they are healthy.
      Two guys and a woman are highly capable of taking care of a child. Perhaps even better than just a man and a woman. As well, polyamorous relationships have less chance of being abusive because of how transparent the relationship is.

      You also fall under the OPs clause of not taking responsibility or believing you are the problem. Somehow, women overpowered every man in society, got a hold of all the media, and are trying to destroy everything you love with their tricky brain washing that no one can resist. Because our grand mothers wanted to rule this world with an ovenmitted fist. Here's your tin foil hat sir!

    • Now, I'm not going to say that women don't receive unhealthy privileges that are destroying our society and chance at equality. But I'm not gonna sit here and blame it on women or feminism. Things like unfair divorce and domestic abuse and rape accusations are the product of poor legislation and a bias from society. So long as people hold on to these outdated beliefs that women are weaker, that women are supposed to be caretakers, and that men are suppose to want sex and women aren't (all things I hear argued against in feminism) then we will continue to see those billshit biases. It falls more on politics and all these old dudes from archaic society viewpoints deciding things. By the time you see the change you want you'll probably be 50.

      I also don't think feminism fights nearly as much on the behalf of male stigmas as it should. If it devoted as much time to male double standards as rape culture, rape culture and abuse would disappear a lot faster. But that's my view.

  • 'no-one owes you'

    I think this is true. Nobody has moral obligation to date you. But I think you can also point out character flaws quite fairly, e. g. in people that only date way above their league, people that date for money, people that withhold sex from certain partners but give it to others, etc.

    This is a pretty objective perspective actually and can be understood without all the moral dogma and without trying to force someone to date you. I think people have a right to be just a little pissed off when they see how many double standards are being practiced in the world of dating, even if they know that they are not owed anything.

  • I agree with this myTake entirely-but the problem is, too many young women under 30 ARE entitled and DO feel obligated. Most of them solely go after a guy's money.

    • Are you absolutely sure, or are you just perceiving this because you want it to be true? I've met plenty of women who don't dump a guy who doesn't get them something expensive. I've met plenty of guys in unskilled labor who have wives and girlfriends. I've met women who don't date to have a nest. Don't get me wrong. Gifts and a nice home are pretty spectacular to anyone looking for a partner. But I rarely meet a woman who refuses a guy based on his wealth. I've even met women who left guys because of how materialistic they were.

      Typically women who are born into low income houses really don't mind men who are low income, and may even prefer it.

    • @SomeOtherGuy Since I'm not wealthy, I certainly don't want this to be true. Unfortunately, this is true for my women in my age-range.

      I will agree with your observation on the notion that women from low-income homes tend to not care about a man's income. From what I've noticed, as ironic as this seems, they tend to solely go after guys with a low-income (as you stated, they "may even prefer it"). I'm open to dating these girls, but I feel they're intimidated by me, just because I have a Bachelor's degree (which is funny, since I'm broke right now).

  • I feel myself developing a knee-jerk reaction anytime anyone says "(blank) is complex" -- (blank) is hardly ever complex.

    The basics of human sexuality have been exhaustively studied and catalogued. People are routinely commoditized - economically, socially and sexually. The science is only mysterious to those who refuse the Google and are otherwise illiterate.

    Finally, you can work yourself to death to make yourself attractive, but still not win the objects of desire. It is sad but true. You can give it your absolute best shot but still fall short. I experience it every day. I also see it externally every day.

    The part you are dead-on correct about is that no one owes anyone anything. Each of us can only rise to our own individual level of mediocrity. Some have the advantage of wealthy families and positive role models. This is where the unfairness comes in.

    • What's more is that the world is filled with people doing self-destructive and immoral things to compete and make themselves more attractive and desirable. The argument that is you can't make it it is your own fault is only true to an extent, then it crashes in its own excess.

    • Show All
    • ^for both genders

    • There may be trends, yes. But there are undoubtedly plenty of people who do not follow those trends in regards to what they think is most important, and I highly doubt that any two people will be exactly the same in terms of exactly how much they value each trait. Even what people see as a good appearance varies incredibly widely. There is no one formula for how to be universally attractive. There just isn't. There's ways to make yourself as attractive as possible to as many people as possible, but even then there will be people who just don't go for that sort of thing, and plenty of them.

  • no it's because we live in a society that is ruled by whiny babies... some have more dating opportunities than others, that's life..

    • My point is that those "whiny babies" are often whining for entirely ridiculous reasons, which is what this take is about.

    • Show All
    • Where did I ever say any such thing? I'm pretty sure you're just accusing me of things I never said because you somehow feel personally attacked by my take or some shit. Well sorry, but "you're wrong cause I say you are" is not really an argument that makes me inclined to take you seriously.

    • haha... no. not attacked, you dont' doesn't apply to me at all.

  • The government should make little pamphlets with this take printed on it and send one to everyone person when they turn twelve.

  • That picture's scary: ((((((( haha

  • I was like this once. Then I got married and the only woman who matters is my wife.

  • Excellent take! Most people won't agree 'cause they feel very comfortable in blaming others for their failures and insisting the opposite gender has it easier, but for those rare sane people who actually question their own perspective and genuinely want to understand dating-related issues, this is nicely written.

  • This take is a typical "Girl dumps on Guys" rant. It's almost comical that young girls who enjoy broad, unearned, automatic acceptance by the opposite sex have the gall criticize men who have trouble jumping through all the right hoops to please a spoiled, entitled female brat!

    Younger females don't seem to realize that nature gives them a free pass in dating that men simply don't get! Unless a female is extremely fat or ugly, male sex drive alone guarantees that she will be found acceptable by various men. She doesn't need to be interesting, exciting, smart, funny or have any personality to speak of! Younger females get to just sit back and judge the men who must put on an entertaining show like court jesters performing for royalty!

    Plenty of good, caring decent men are routinely rejected on a silly young female's slightest egotistical whim. Then as females age past their youthful prime, they discover to their horror that fewer men are interested in them! They discover that their luxury of broad, unearned, automatic acceptance by the opposite sex is NOT forever! Thus, females are FORCED into maturity! And then, men who they rejected before are suddenly good enough! It's hilarious!

    "Why Your Perspective on Dating May Be Completely Wrong" has two sides to it! Females need to realize the part they play in all this! Many good men are ignored by females who waste their prime years foolishly chasing and screwing a line of exciting "bad boys" who only use them for sex. What good man wants to be the last resort of an aging, used up sex-tart?

    • You're literally just projecting your own biases on my writing. Did you completely fail to notice that this take was written from a predominantly gender neutral perspective? Yes, I mentioned a couple times that men have this issue more, because they do. That's just fact. Just compare how often men kill women for rejecting them compared to how often it happens the other way around. But women do also suffer from this issue, and I acknowledged that.

      As for the rest of what you said, you are pretty much a perfect example of what I'm writing about here, except with a little bit more misogyny thrown in. So please, take your misogynistic garbage somewhere else.

    • Show All
    • Uh.. good mytake as well..

    • @MusicManic Thank you MusicManic, for your gracious compliment note in life's grand symphony!

  • While I basically agree, I'm sympathetic to many people in these situations.

    If people are being brought up given inaccurate or flat out wrong ideas about what the other sex is looking for in terms of dating, they're going to feel frustrated and upset.

    To top it off, a lot of the myths handed to kids growing up about dating suggests that the 'right' sort of guy/girl, or 'good' guys/girls, or 'nice' guys girls will go for some certain traits that they themselves have or have developed. So initially, every time they see someone going for some other traits, they figure that must be one of those bad guy/girls.

    Eventually they conclude that -all- of them are bad, and they're furious, but not sure who to be angry with.

  • the classic noone owes you noone rant... . well they do own me. cause if women were just indifferent towards me that'd be ok. they were also mean and pure evil. they slandered me, bullied, broke me down psychologically, and showed me the dark side of humanity in general. people have the notion that women are somewhat passiveor that they are not even capable of these things but i assure you they are capable more than enough. female nazi officers at the concentration camps contested with thei male counterparts at who would do the more monstrous and inhumane depravities. rest asured women very oftely exceeded their peers and could think even things like making brothers and sisters rape each other, then skin them alive, and make book covers and lamp shaders with their skin... .

    • Sounds like you've got some serious misogyny issues sir. Your little rant doesn't even make any sense, outside of making it clear how little regard you have for women. Well sorry, but I think this is a you problem, not a them problem. Even if a few women were mean to you (though I expect it's more a matter of them just not liking you as a person and you taking offense at that) that still doesn't justify your believing all of them to be the scum of the earth.

    • all of them being scum of the earth is your own expression and your own assumption. i just mention what their capable of. and no, when i say they gave me hell i mean it, its not because they "slightly offended my egoism with rejecting me as the bad person that i am", they were genuinely evil and i can get in detailed stories throughout my life. i'm a great person and they can't see it cause they themselves suck ass as people. now about the issue of "luck' you rose, well it is a possibility i happened for me to be in the wrong place, in the wrong time, with the wrong people.

    • Congratulations, you've realized that being evil has nothing to do with gender. What does this have to do with the take, though?
      By the way, making lamp shades and book covers of skin? You should look up Ed Gein.

What Girls Said 1

  • On the internet, everyone got a PhD in relationship counseling

    • agree but not in real life

    • Seriously. What's sad is that most of these keyboard counselors probably never even lived with another person who wasn't their mom or dad.