Letter from my Ex
I've gone over in my head a million times what I wanted to say to you. There is just no perfect way to say it. What I did to us was wrong. I was wrong for hurting you. I knew three days after I left that I had made the biggest mistake of my whole life.
I don't expect forgiveness or even a sympathetic response from you. I know you think I don't care about you, never loved you, and lied to you about a lot of things I said. I know you think I've forgotten about our time together all the memories we had and the amazing love we once shared. None of that is true, here's what really happened.
What happened is,
"My anxiety got the best of me, I panicked and I ran. I thought to myself, that there was no way I could be all you deserved in a partner. There is no way I could give you all that you deserve in life because you are the greatest woman I have ever met. I am just an average guy I am nothing speacial and even if I would do my very best for the rest of my life it would never be good enough, at least not in my eyes. Because you deserve everything and more that this world has to offer."
"I was too proud to tell you I was afraid of failure in our relationship. Even worse, I was to big of a coward to talk with you about my insecurities, about never being good enough for you and that I thought eventually we would end up separating because I just couldn't cut it as your man. Instead of acting like a man, I ran like a bitch. I can't say I'm sorry enough and I can't undo my horrible mistake. I want you to know how my life is going now."
At this time
"Every day when I wake up I reach for you but your not there. I close my eyes for a few moments and pray this is just a bad dream and any moment I will wake up and see you beside me. I make coffee every morning then poor it out because the smell in the house helps me to pretend you're still here and everything is fine."
"When I go grocery shopping I buy all the things you like and keep them in the fridge until they go bad. Seeing your brand of tea and juice helps me to imagine you are not gone but still here with me. Sometimes, when I cook I set you a place at the table or make you a plate. I just tell myself that you're running late from work or at the gym that night."
"I talk to you when I am pretending you are here with me. It gives me comfort and peace in my life that is now just pure sadness. I don't enjoy doing anything anymore even things I used to love doing. It's gotten to the point I feel no joy in anything just anger or sorrow. I thought I had suffered from depression before but I was very wrong."
I miss you
"I miss you so much I've tried to mock some of our dates we had in the past. I actually go to Dave and Buster's about every week play the Jurassic Park Game and pretend your beside me. I went to the old movie theater alone the one that replays older movies and bought two tickets to a movie we watched together last year. I try to relive the moments we had together. Those moments looking back now are priceless and my idea now of true happiness."
It's gotten bad for me
Bad to the point I began seeing a psychiatrist because I found myself thinking of suicide or harming myself. I took time off work because of my mental health situation and the debilitating feelings. Feelings that I now have after making the biggest mistake of my life in leaving you.
Wanted you to know
"I had to tell you this stuff because I didn't want you thinking I was running around happy or had forgotten you. I'm actually at the worst place I've ever been in my whole life. Everyday the guilt gets worse and I feel like I'm slowly suffocating. Please don't blame yourself for anything you did nothing wrong. I hope you read this and believe me when I say I love you, I miss you, and I will never forgive myself for doing this to you......"
To My Friends
This MyTake was written to tell the few people on GAG who have supported me and been there for me the past few months why I have decided to make the decision I have made. I love you all
These were parts from a letter I received last week. The letter I thought would never come. If I'm letting anyone down I'm sorry but,
I have to follow my heart.
It's just who I am.