I love my boyfriend to pieces, he's the most prefect thing in my life and im so lucky to have found him more than he'll ever know
He has no idea about how my life was before i met him. I was a broken sad lonely depressed 19 year old girl who had never had a boyfriend before or even been kissed. Then i started my new job and i met a guy not much older than me. I tried to deny my feelings but i fell madly in love with him as soon as we met we had amazing connection, we were like to peas in a pod. I felt like he was the only one who cared and understood me.
Then things got messy. I knew he loved me to but he was scared of a serious rely with me once i opened up how i felt. I was so confused he kept trying to be this boyfriend like figure with me, buying me little gifts, listening to my issues, having lunch with me and then if i came up to him whilst he was with friends he'd tell me i was ugly and crazy for ever thinking we were a thing, then hed confuse me again by being loving with me behind closed doors.
He was my first love and he broke my heart, he let me down and i was once again a sad, lonely depressed young woman. I was more messed up than id ever been and my attitude towards men change even though deep down i just wanted someone to love me back. Id go out clubbing and drink till i couldnt see and dance all night with any guy who slightly looked like my first love.
Then i met this guy on G@G he was 28 whilst i was still only 19. He started off by being my friend trying get me to open up more. I told him everything and he told me he could help take the pain away. Hed tell me i was beautiful and everything i wanted to hear. It started off with just sexting.
Then he kept asking for nudes at first i was dead against it but hed constantly pressure me and would lose interest if i didn't. As i said before i just wanted to feel loved so i did it. Then he pressured me into video sex to when at first i said no he still pressured me into it and it went on for 2 years on and off we were always fighting because he'd talk to me for one day and then varnish for months and expect me to be at his bec and call once he came back.
I pretty much had a Internet relationship with this guy even though i knew not much about him at all. I was still very loyal to him and only went with other guys on the Internet closer to my age when we'd break up for 3 months or something just to replace him and still get them feelings of self worth by guys telling me i was beautiful.
Then a amazing friend came along at work. He saw how broken I was and that id given up on ture love. He signed me up to tinder without telling me. At first when I found out i was so mad at him and the first real date i had was terrible then my second date i met a amazing guy who changed my life. As soon as i met him i deleted all contacts with all the toxic men in my life and cleaned up my act because i was so sure on this guy.
9 months on he still knows nothing of this besides my first love because he wanted to know why I have trust issues with men. Sometimes when he's missing me or I've not seen him in a while he will hint for nudes and i always tell him im to shy and he respects it. I don't know why i felt comfortable at the time sharing nudes with them guys on the Internet and not with my boyfriend who i trust more than anyone.
I feel like i never want to go back to that place and it would cheapen are relationship. Im in a place now we're i feel also clean and like im a good person again. I hate that old me and wish that part of my life never existed but now it's going to follow me everywhere and im terrified of someone i love one day finding out and seeing them pics.