The day you never thought or didn’t want to is here. Maybe you dated for a month or maybe for years. But it’s all the same. You are hurt. The person you admired the most has told you it’s over or worse, they left you without letting you know it was over. They went from the person who made you laugh and smile to someone who makes you ache and cry.
What do you do? You want to move on but the thing you grew for them is inside you and it needs life support and it seems impossible to get over them. Lucky for you I happen to be a frequent in the dating world and I have more experience in both getting dumped and being the dumpee and I’m here to share my three steps of getting over an old flame.
In the beginning it could seem like a joke and you’re waiting for the end of it. You’re going to wake up from this twisted nightmare to a “I love you text” from them. Maybe they’ll text you saying how they made a mistake and that they want you back. But this doesn’t happen. It’s not a dream and it’s been days or weeks since they texted you. You’re in a state where you feel like you’ve lost someone close to you.
Grieve. Don’t ignore your feelings or try to rush past them.
Take some time to yourself and accept the feelings you have and the situation you’re in. Don’t deny the heartbreak or the fact that they have left you alone to deal with it. It’s ok to cry and to want to be alone. Take a week or however you feel you need to mourn and validate your feelings. They matter do don’t feel ashamed. Embrace them because they are part of you. Please don’t take years to do this. Give a month max. If you’re still grieving after that, open up to friends about it so you’re not alone too long with your own pain.
2. Self-reflect and remember
While you’re grieving, think about all of the qualities that person liked about you or complimented you on. Take some paper and write them out. Why did they fall for you in the first place? If you’re brave enough hit up your ex and ask. Tell them you’re working on personal growth. I did this with my ex and her response shocked me. She thought I was incredibly confident and funny when I thought she thought nothing good. Your ex may or may not point out things that turned them off from you. Take it with a grain of salt and if there’s something constructive, use it but most of the time turn offs are personal taste issues unless you have an off putting personality. If you don’t want to ask your ex and don’t remember any compliments they gave you, ask several different friends what they think your best qualities are.
Now that you’ve gotten a collection of qualities other people have said you posess I have a surprise for you. Those qualities still exist inside of you and even though this person has chosen to discard them. Remember how good it felt when they were accepting you and all of your quirks?
Not only do you need to remember how amazing you are, you need to recognize that part of the reason you kept that person in your life is because they saw that and was shameless about it. Now that they aren’t doing that why should you settle for less of what they’re capable of offering you? You shouldn’t. You should recognize the good they made you feel and use that as a standard for dating. Don’t date anyone who doesn’t make you feel that way, starting with them.
Remember that you’re capable of attracting the type of person who has what you want and will love you for you without caring who sees. It might not be the specific person that left you but there are plenty of people just like them who won’t give up a person like you. You’ve proven to yourself that you’re a sexy rockstar who can attract the type of person you desire and just because they left doesn’t mean those qualities have went with them. You are still sexy and very lovable.
3. Decide to move on.
One of these doors will leave room for someone new. The other is you holding on to the other person. You can only choose one.
The biggest step to moving on is deciding to do just that. You’ve cried your eyes out and you’ve came to terms that this person in no longer your person. You’ve also meditated and reminded yourself about what makes you the awesome badass that this person was dumb enough to give up. Now you have to decide if you want to stay hung up on them or get back out there and meet someone who will be better for you.
I’m not saying sleep with the first person you see. But for me, whenever I go through a breakup or a girl I like suddenly vanishes, when I go out and meet another cool girl, it snaps me out of my attachment to that person. We have to remind ourselves that other people exist. It’s so easy to think that this was the only person who’d like us that way and treat us that way. But they’re just a person with flaws like us.
In order to move on from a person, you have to free up the place in your heart for someone new. When you stay hung up on an ex your heart isn’t vacant for someone else. Open up the door. Meet people and go out on dates but only with people you find interesting. Go out and spot the person who’s the most attractive to you and go meet them. Have a conversation and if it goes well, invite them out. When you do this, you will meet so many interesting people that you won’t want the person who left you. You’ll want one of the people showing you admiration and appreciation.
Love yourself. It’s ok to cry and it’s ok to kick the ground. Break a few place and curse at the wall. But after you do all that, dust your shoulders off and give yourself another shot. Look in the mirror and remember you’re the shit and anyone would be lucky to bask in your glow. Swing for the fence and meet the people who make you think daaammnn. When you find the one who feels the same, shrug and say, “Duh. I’m the shit,” and see where it goes.
Love yourselves and accept nothing less from others friends.