Break Up & Divorce

Do You Need "Closure" From Your Ex?

I often hear from someone who has been broken up with that they want/need closure from their ex.

For example, I read one person commenting on a message forum that her ex boyfriend was ignoring her calls and texts and all that she wants is closure after he broke up with her.

While I understand the desire to know what happened, why this person chose to leave you, and if you did something wrong, seeking closure often comes with a high cost and little of the desired sense of understanding that you are seeking.

Are You Secretly Trying To Get Back Together With Your Ex?

Do You Need Closure From Your Ex?

If you want to get back together with this person and you see expressing your desire for closure as a foot in the door, I'm going to strongly urge you to fight that temptation. It almost never works and only makes you look bad to your ex. Your ex, feeling more attractive than you because they were the one to dump you, is already suspicious that you are trying to get them back anyway. It's just part of what I call the arrogance of the dumper. So your request for closure is often seen as just an attempt for you to try to talk them into getting back together or to try to re-attract them.

Yes, even if you tell them that you aren't trying to get them back but just want "closure," it is usually still going to be seen as a veiled attempt to make some progress or to plant a seed to get them back. No matter how you express your intentions, your ex is likely going to assume you are trying to get them back. Trust me.

While I understand that you want answers, you can also disrespect yourself by seeking them. Consider what your ex hears when you ask the following questions:

"Why did you break up with me?"

"What did I do wrong?"

"Do you not love me?"

It doesn't exactly communicate confidence and strength, and while you say that you don't care about that because you just want answers, perhaps you should care.

The fact that your ex doesn't want you back (yet) and that he/she broke up with you in the first place, is closure. It might not be the closure that you want. It might not give you all the answers either, but it gives you the most important answer and that is that at least at the moment, your ex doesn't see a future with you and doesn't want to be with you. It hurts to say the least, but that is the current reality.

Preserve your dignity and, if you want a chance with your ex in the future, preserve that as well by leaving them alone and giving them the breakup. Not all of your questions will be answered, you will be frustrated, and you will feel that it's unfair. Just now that you will likely feel that same way even if your ex tried to give you that white whale known as "closure." It's a mirage in the desert and you are better off to take charge of your own closure instead.

-Coach Lee Instagram | YouTube

Do You Need "Closure" From Your Ex?
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