I keep cheating/wanting to cheat?

[Anonymous]

Hey. My circle of cheating started in, I think, 2011, when I became more and more distant with my boyfriend (then) and stopped wanting to be in a relationship with him, but stayed, because I was afraid of being alone. I was having a pretty hard time in many other areas of my life and he still somehow gave me energy to keep going.

I ended up cheating on him with a guy I met online. He didn't know about my boyfriend. During this time I broke up with my boyfriend and soon after began a relationship with the guy I had met. We were really happy, but again got a bit distant and I cheated on him with the guy I am with now.

And now I notice the same pattern. We've been living together for almost a year now and spent pretty much every day together. I do want some time of my own, but I can't have it now that he doesn't have a job here yet.

I don't want to cheat on him with just anyone. There are currently two people I have "fixated" on, that really interest me and I feel attracted to. But for now there hasn't been a possibility for me to cheat, which is good. I really love my boyfriend. We have some issues, but I love him, and I know he wouldn't cheat on me. I trust him like that. But I think I would be okay with cheating on him if he didn't find out. If he did, I know it would hurt him greatly and he might even hurt me physically for causing him such pain. If I did cheat on him, I would keep it an absolute secret.

I am in no way proud of what I've done. I even feel bad for the second one (not first because he cheated on me too and we were hardly TOGETHER when I did what I did), because he's one of the best people I've met in my life and a very close friend of mine still. And I am 100% sure I would feel bad about cheating my boyfriend.

I don't have the motivation to stop, because cheating is what I feel like I want to do in these situations. So I would like to analyse myself and see where this is coming from. Ideas on where to start?

[enigmatta]

I think cheating is your mechanism to avoid responsibility and to avoid conflict. Instead of dealing with things, your easy way out is doing something that will provoke a break up. Instead of sorting things out with your first boyfriend and making both of you aware of the bad situation of the relationship and consequentially dissolving your union, you decided to cheat on him because "he deserved it" and because "you wanted out anyway". It's like signing up for a course you want to be in and halfway the term you realize it is not what you want, so instead of unsubscribing, you still go to class and purposely fail every homework and exam. Like arranging a meeting with a friend and you realize you don't want to meet them because you're lazy, so instead of calling to cancel the date, you just don't show up.

It's time for you to face things. It doesn't matter if you're not even "very in love", it's about doing things right. You can't cheat your way out of a relationship every time it gets difficult. That's not what mature people do and you should start behaving appropriately. You also can't justify your behavior with "he did it first". Just because one person was a cunt to you doesn't mean you have to be a cunt in return or that you'll be excused of being a cunt to others.

You don't have a motivation to stop because you don't believe that being a good person and actually talking with your partner is going to pay off. You're behaving solely on your instincts and impulses, but you know, unless you were born anencephalic, you are capable of being rational and smart. Face your problems, there is no need to fear. Talk to people and always be honest with yourself. It helps to really think about the roles being switched, in the end you are only fooling yourself more than anybody else. Because you think you're cheating on life, but you know the feelings will eat at you in the end.

[Libraa]

Almost every single guy I have ever met has been a cheater, however that's not to say it's right to do it to them. He might not be, and being someone who never cheated on her boyfriend and then was cheated on I can tell you it changes your whole world perspective. I never would wish that kind of pain on anyone and it doesn't really matter if they don't find out. In my experience even years later truths will always unravel and the longer you wait to tell someone the worse it will be. It's also a matter of respect because I'm sure you wouldn't want him to do that to you. I don't know just my two cents.

[Secret_Kitten]

If you don't believe in fidelity then don't be in a relationship. You're going to do a horrible thing, and karma will come back to you. What if he DID cheat on you? Would you be okay if HE kept it a secret? What if one of you gets an STD because you were unfaithful?

Be single, and you can sleep with as many guys as you want. Don't depend on him for stability and cheat on him, you're just using him if you put it that way. Do the right thing.

[bettsyboy]

Honestly, I think you need to get out of all relationships all together, don't think of yourself as a victim, you are in fact a perpetrator.

you need to completely cut yourself off from any romantic entanglements and seek help from a therapist or psychiatrist, you need to learn to take responsibility for your actions and learn some restraints.

when I'm with my girlfriend at the beach and I see a girl with a slim waist, huge tits and bouncy blonde hair, of course I'd like to have sex with her, but I have the restraint and common sense not to throw away a good relationship over a quick fling.

so long as you have the urge to cheat and you find yourself going for it with someone else, take a step back, go home, and think about your life, you don't need to be coddled, you don't need to be told "It's not your fault" it is entirely your fault and 100% your own problem that you keep dragging others into.

fix your shit, or you'll end up as one of those women with 12 kids and no man wants anything to do with you because of your reputation as a serial cheater.

[Asker]

I thank you for an appropriate answer even though the subject is what it is!

[VENOMMM]

i second what he just said

[bettsyboy]

this isn't something that can be solved by sugar-coating and beating around the bush.

don't make excuses, if he gives you shit over this, remember that you DO deserve it, but just try and fix yourself, learn to restrain yourself, learn to just go home WITHOUT some other guy.

I've known girls like you my whole life, and every single one, EVERY. SINGLE. ONE has at some point gone "men are assholes" and "why are there no good men in the world?" and all i can reply with is "there are good men in the world, but they go after women who aren't toxic to them"

and trust me, feminists say that there is nothing to be ashamed of for cheating and being called "toxic" but some women are called "toxic" for a reason... don't be toxic, fix your shit.

[Insaan]

As far as you are making other guys happy in bed...no one cares...we are men and we can find decent woman for ourselves if tried. It is women who suffers.
You don't have bright future for yourself though until you don't wish to change.
This habit of cheating will also be continuing even after marriage and may carried till you have grown up kids. This seems common trait among young western girls to me and many have noticed that.
But this isn't surprise for me, after watching movies like American pie, i came to know how western women could be like.
Well best of luck..there can't be any motivation on this. Though you can visit psychologists.. They will keep your secrets and help you out for solving your obsession.

[Anonymous]

This is a hard one. I think that it is possible for someone to truly be in love with someone and still want to screw around with other people, especially if their current partner isn't as into sexual stuff as you are. Don't get me wrong, it's still wrong, but I think that an argument can be made as to why you would seek out sexual stuff elsewhere.

And yes, it is hard to imagine that someone could be in love with someone and still want to screw around with other girls, but still want to be with the one you love, but I'm pretty sure that there are a lot more people out there who feel the same way. They likely look at cheating as just exposure to different bodies and different things that you don't want to make your current partner do for you.

For example, I love my girlfriend. We get along really well together and all of that. But she doesn't like giving bj's, and she hates swallowing (she tried it once, but couldn't stand it). I really like getting bj's and would love to cum in a woman's mouth, but I just can't do that to my girlfriend. I know that if I really really pushed her, I could probably get her to do it again, but I don't want to do that to her, because I do love her.

So in my mind, I could kind of justify hooking up with another girl, one who doesn't mind swallowing (or even likes it) so that I can still experience that every now and then, without making my girlfriend do that. It is wrong, but I could justify it to myself. Of course, I'd never want my girlfriend to find out, because it would devastate her, and I don't want to hurt her.

Also, and I don't know if this is a guy thing, or a human thing, but people in general tend to like variety. I love boobs. I love boobs in all shapes and sizes. Boobs are amazing!! I absolutely love my girlfriend's boobs. But I also would love to experience a greater variety of boobs in my life, and I don't believe that that would take anything away from my loving of her boobs.

Some of it is kind of the thinking that "you only live once" so you might as well experience as much as you can while you can, but I also don't want to hurt her either. So who knows.

It's different from your situation, but there are also some similarities, indicating that this situation isn't as "black and white" as people think it is.

Now the other problem is, is how does one go about finding someone to hook up with while they are in a relationship? Now that's not so easy, lol.

[lightbulb27]

"I was afraid of being alone"..
"got a bit distant and then had an affair with current guy"
The root of this is childhood traumas, usually that feed into adulthood. Then we don't know why we do something but eventually see patterns that are causng problems. So we do what you are doing, and start to understand ourselves and our behaviors... many people just accept it as "this is me"... and just keep doing that... because it "feels right".
That is the wound within that distorts us.

The wound might be something we learned as a child that is not, from the right place emotionally... e. g. love. In your case it sounds like possibly a trust issue, uncomfort with getting too close and thus doing things to make it fail... e. g. fear of vulnerability? Could also be you were abandoned at times and left alone, and that feeds it. Whatever the feeder roots of this, sounds like childhood training/trauma... that a child cannot process right that is causing problems now and screwing up your life. Very normal human behavior, but it's just not good.

There's a lot in what you wrote. Lookup the Erickson/Clark chart as a starter. Trust issues can be started around age 0-2.

Writing helps, start writing memories you experienced in life.. in those things are lies you believed about yoruself... emotional programming. That is what then needs to be reprogrammed and changed at a deep level. Ideally a therapist would help do this. I hope to get a book published soon that I could refer you to that would help with the discovery process. We are all in this same boat, so don't beat yourself up. Most of us are damaged in some way and it causes problems, just different flavors.
Definitely do not act when you feel that emotion, but let the emotion fester and see what it is telling you. write that down. probably be scary...

[AFellowWeeb]

once a cheater allways a cheater, this is not a stereotype, is just the truth
imma be honest, i just know that cheaters are extremly narcissistic, probably sociopaths, bc till this day, i can't imagine why would u want to break the trust of some u say u ''love'', thats just thinking about urself, ur not into relashionaships, u should just stick to hook ups, u are going to cheat again 100% even u already said.
tips: quit dating and hook up only or seek therapy, maybe u cheat bc of something in ur life that u are not aware

[metalheavy]

You may love him a lot, I truly believe that. But, if you are IN love with someone, you don’t look at anyone else that way. You would never want someone else putting their hands on your body. You would never want to sacrifice a moment with your love to be with someone else. & if you do love him, after you cheat, you’ll hate yourself. It’s just not worth it. Find someone you can have deeper feelings for to where you don’t want to cheat. Or ask yourself, “why do i want to cheat?” Does your partner not satisfy you? Are you not ready for a committed relationship? Are you lonely in the relationship? Dig deep and you’ll find all of the answers you need within yourself.

[Mike22Ohio]

You're just not a good person if you have no motivation to stop cheating. It shows that you're selfish, immature and put your personal satisfaction above other people's emotions. That's sad and it's a shame.

[KarinMcDonald]

There are alternatives to cheating! It involves consenting adults, open minds, keeping jealousy in check, and recognizing the difference between physical sex and emotional love. You can message me if you want more information. I'm new here, and I've already been flamed for an honest answer I gave.

[lamebabe]

It's normal to desire sex from othee guys sometimes but you should never act on it while you're dating someone. Your motivation should be knowing how much it would hurt your boyfriend if he knew what you were doing.

[DictumVeritas]

You are broken, stay away from men, they don't deserve the abuse you bring. Get yourself into IC and never enter another relationship before you are 100% sure you are fixed.

You are not a safe partner and what you are doing to these men is worse abuse than domestic violence.

Your current relationship seems toxic as well. Let him go before you break his spirit as well. He deserves a chance with a much better person than yourself.

[iUnderachieve]

If you claim to love him as much as you say then don't do this to him..he doesn't deserve that if you honestly feel like you need or want to cheat so bad. End the cycle now or it never will end..

[MonsterCookie]

Then don't get into relationships. you don't need to be in a relationship to have sex or does hurting a person by lying to them turn you on? if that's how it is, you need psychological help to deal with this.

[Insaan]

Yeah right...what she can simply do is to avoid relationships. She can have friends with benifits. This is absolute madness if she goes in relationship and cheat like hell.
It is an compulsive obsession in which cheating on someone turns her on. It us a fantasy which she clearly makes true.
Yes visiting a psychologist is the only solution she has...hope she does.

[Anonymous]

If your partner's lacking something and you're having an urge to cheat, it's much better to ask them about it or just let the person go.

If you really are like this in all of your relationships, find someone who's polyamorous or who's into open relationships. Stay away from dating monogamous people.

[Hanrej]

There are many reasons for cheating, most bad, some (few) good reasons. I can't know for sure without knowing you or why you do what you do.

If you feel like you need somone to spin ideas with, who doesn't judge and is curious about who you are then feel free to DM.

[Billlewis]

Strange as it may sound, my entire life changed for the better when one of my first girlfriends cheated on me. She made me realize that I really wanted to be a cuckold, and that's the way I've been ever since.

[Anonymous]

Break up with him and just be single. Seriously. If you're not mature enough to keep your legs closed and be loyal, you should not be in relationships with anyone. And people wonder why men simply are leaving women behind. Most women are like you.

[dlmatt]

Most men have cheated at least once in their life I know I have and definitely wouldn’t rule it out again after all I’m human and definitely am not perfect I catch myself looking all the time if you ever figure out how to deal with it please let me know

[Koldhearted]

Ha! "I didn't break up because I didn't want to be a loner"

I think cunt fits perfectly here.

[Haxxus]

I have so much to say, but it would be such a long post. It's nothing bad or degrading because that doesn't make anything better. Pm me if you want.

[Anonymous]

You are a

Whore

Slut

Bitch

Fuckface

And oh karma will come back to you

And you will die of loneliness one day

Hahahaha and you won't get married ,

And you will grow old alone with no one,

Now bye bye , i have a fiancee to cuddle with,,,

Oh ops sorry didn't see you there

[Insaan]

Lmao
Fuck face? Fan of Russell Peters? Haha

[Opinion Owner]

Yep i am , but i didn't know he said that

[Asker]

Heh, yeah I could guess there would be replies like this, but yeah. :D That's just funny.

[Maxnanet]

I have mixed feelings about all this !
Cuz it is exciting, but its bad at the same time !
But it is exactly what makes it exciting!

I sometimes find myself aroused thinkn about my girlfriend cheating

[Anonymous]

You are not in control. Please control yourself and stay loyal and never cheat on any guy you choose to be with or else you're a piece of shit