I ended up cheating on him with a guy I met online. He didn't know about my boyfriend. During this time I broke up with my boyfriend and soon after began a relationship with the guy I had met. We were really happy, but again got a bit distant and I cheated on him with the guy I am with now.
And now I notice the same pattern. We've been living together for almost a year now and spent pretty much every day together. I do want some time of my own, but I can't have it now that he doesn't have a job here yet.
I don't want to cheat on him with just anyone. There are currently two people I have "fixated" on, that really interest me and I feel attracted to. But for now there hasn't been a possibility for me to cheat, which is good. I really love my boyfriend. We have some issues, but I love him, and I know he wouldn't cheat on me. I trust him like that. But I think I would be okay with cheating on him if he didn't find out. If he did, I know it would hurt him greatly and he might even hurt me physically for causing him such pain. If I did cheat on him, I would keep it an absolute secret.
I am in no way proud of what I've done. I even feel bad for the second one (not first because he cheated on me too and we were hardly TOGETHER when I did what I did), because he's one of the best people I've met in my life and a very close friend of mine still. And I am 100% sure I would feel bad about cheating my boyfriend.
I don't have the motivation to stop, because cheating is what I feel like I want to do in these situations. So I would like to analyse myself and see where this is coming from. Ideas on where to start?
Most Helpful Girl
I think cheating is your mechanism to avoid responsibility and to avoid conflict. Instead of dealing with things, your easy way out is doing something that will provoke a break up. Instead of sorting things out with your first boyfriend and making both of you aware of the bad situation of the relationship and consequentially dissolving your union, you decided to cheat on him because "he deserved it" and because "you wanted out anyway". It's like signing up for a course you want to be in and halfway the term you realize it is not what you want, so instead of unsubscribing, you still go to class and purposely fail every homework and exam. Like arranging a meeting with a friend and you realize you don't want to meet them because you're lazy, so instead of calling to cancel the date, you just don't show up.
It's time for you to face things. It doesn't matter if you're not even "very in love", it's about doing things right. You can't cheat your way out of a relationship every time it gets difficult. That's not what mature people do and you should start behaving appropriately. You also can't justify your behavior with "he did it first". Just because one person was a cunt to you doesn't mean you have to be a cunt in return or that you'll be excused of being a cunt to others.
You don't have a motivation to stop because you don't believe that being a good person and actually talking with your partner is going to pay off. You're behaving solely on your instincts and impulses, but you know, unless you were born anencephalic, you are capable of being rational and smart. Face your problems, there is no need to fear. Talk to people and always be honest with yourself. It helps to really think about the roles being switched, in the end you are only fooling yourself more than anybody else. Because you think you're cheating on life, but you know the feelings will eat at you in the end.