I keep cheating/wanting to cheat?

Hey. My circle of cheating started in, I think, 2011, when I became more and more distant with my boyfriend (then) and stopped wanting to be in a relationship with him, but stayed, because I was afraid of being alone. I was having a pretty hard time in many other areas of my life and he still somehow gave me energy to keep going.

I ended up cheating on him with a guy I met online. He didn't know about my boyfriend. During this time I broke up with my boyfriend and soon after began a relationship with the guy I had met. We were really happy, but again got a bit distant and I cheated on him with the guy I am with now.

And now I notice the same pattern. We've been living together for almost a year now and spent pretty much every day together. I do want some time of my own, but I can't have it now that he doesn't have a job here yet.

I don't want to cheat on him with just anyone. There are currently two people I have "fixated" on, that really interest me and I feel attracted to. But for now there hasn't been a possibility for me to cheat, which is good. I really love my boyfriend. We have some issues, but I love him, and I know he wouldn't cheat on me. I trust him like that. But I think I would be okay with cheating on him if he didn't find out. If he did, I know it would hurt him greatly and he might even hurt me physically for causing him such pain. If I did cheat on him, I would keep it an absolute secret.

I am in no way proud of what I've done. I even feel bad for the second one (not first because he cheated on me too and we were hardly TOGETHER when I did what I did), because he's one of the best people I've met in my life and a very close friend of mine still. And I am 100% sure I would feel bad about cheating my boyfriend.

I don't have the motivation to stop, because cheating is what I feel like I want to do in these situations. So I would like to analyse myself and see where this is coming from. Ideas on where to start?
I keep cheating/wanting to cheat?
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