My ex boyfriend committed suicide when I broke up with him.. should I be blamed?

My boyfriend of 5 months and a good friend since last year committed suicide today (5 days after our official break up). I broke up with him because I was not happy at all. He always emotionally controlled me. And said he loved me. I loved him too but only for the first 4 months. Since last month only I know how I felt in the relationship. He used to threaten me with suicide everytime I tried breaking up (in the last month I tried breaking up with him twice but he threatened suicide and i'd always give in) Although he never really had the guts. We are 17. And this is a crucial year (academically) for our careers. He used to be a brilliant student but since this relationship , he kept me a priority (which I never supported and I PLEADED him to study) and he never let me study. It bugged him when I kept my academics prior to him. I ruined many of my exams because of him. He used to get mad at me for so small issues (I didn't reply to his I LOVE YOU texts if I was busy. I didn't say I love you whenever I was in a hurry) and I was the one who always tried to avoid fighting with him! He was not a perfect boyfriend either. But I never complained because I didn't want to fight!
And now when I finally decided to care for MY LIFE AND CAREER , I broke up with him.
I mean he was always super depressed most of the time because he had lousy parents who never care for him (thats what he told me I never met them) and so he emptionally dependent on me which is NOT healthy. But is this really my fault? Should I feel guilty for choosing my life over him?
before you answer I would request you to read a few of my previous questions regarding him.. they'll make the situation clearer for you. Thank you for you time.. i really need some answers right now
Updates:
It was a crappy relationship. A fight every single day... i was never the one who initiated them... was I a crappy girlfriend?
Please, before answering, read a few of my previous questions regarding him. Please

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Your boyfriend chose to make this unfortunate choice of his own free will. No one, and let me say NO ONE is ever worth your life. This is not your fault. That being said, this man from what you have said seems to be the most insecure person I have ever heard of. And he exhibited classic traits of a very unstable personality. He sounds to me like he suffered from low self esteem and massive insecurity. He used you to justify his existence, and blackmailed you into staying with him. He further used you just to make himself feel better about who he was, and be damned your feelings. You were absolutely right to want out of this unhealthy and horribly one-sided relationship. If this man loved you he would have shown you the right love and encouragement for your academic studies. He would have given you your own space. Being in a relationship is not about dominance, or power, it is about two people coming together to share their lives, and because together they make a damn good team and are a stronger team than they are individuals. This was not the case in your relationship. Take heart however, it sounds like you bent over backwards to be the best girlfriend you could. The bottom line is your boyfriend chose to throw away the most sacred gift of all: life. And he made this choice by his own free will. You cannot blame yourself for his mental instability. This is not your fault. You sound like a woman who has a lot of empathy and cares for people. This makes you a good person. But being responsible for his death? NO! Again, he chose to walk this dark path by his own free will, and you had no control over that whatsoever. If you are still having issues coping over this, I would suggest seeing a counselor. It is important not to bottle up your feelings, let them out. They need to come out. You have more people here to support you than perhaps you think. I mean look at all of us here giving you advice and support right? Stay strong and take heart!

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    • But how do I move on? I can't stop thinking about this. He was my first boyfriend. I was his third girlfriend (1st two relationships failed because of some reasons I don't know fully) . And my first boyfriend committed suicide. I don't think i'll ever even consider getting into a relationshp again if they are supposed to be this exhausting. But I don't know how am I gonna deal with this? I know I don't love him, but this whole incident is just too much to take in. What should I do? I can't talk to my parents about it (dating is kinda forbidden in Indian society)

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    • Nope he needed you and thought you loved him as much as he loved you... now his mom and dad get to lose there life while you just move past with yours. I can't no I'm sorry I won't have pitty on you because you could have stopped this

    • I hope you are well.
      I saw your post and I think I can answer, having experienced the same with my ex.
      The guilt and self blame feelings are there, when you loose someone to suicide, there is no sense of closure and of course there are a lot of questions. what ifs and if only.
      What helped me in this process was therapy: first to deal with the traumatic image of me finding him like that and then to help me process this grief and self blame.
      As everyone else already pointed out, it is a matter of choice and if they decided to quit life, there is nothing that anyone could have done. I can recognize a lot of the emotional patterns in your ex as well and my therapist explained me that these are signs of psychological issues. They needed treatment and professional help, which we could not possibly provide.
      Time is a good healer and it will help settle down all the thoughts and see everything from another perspective.

      Heads up, be gentle to yourself in the grieving process and best of luck!

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What Guys Said 57

  • I'm going to be brutally honest. Yes, it was most likely at least partially your fault. Every other sentence of your little rant was an insult directed at him. It seems you want to put all the blame on you just to absolve yourself of any personal guilt. I would not be surprised if throughout the whole relationship you was telling him the same crap you spewed in your question, telling him he's "emotionally manipulating you" for expecting you to say you love him back or set aside time for him instead of just studying all the time. I get that college is important, but what is the point of being successful and having a career if you don't have love? Basically, you acted cold toward him, withholding affection, and putting him on the back burner for school. Do you know who Amanda Todd is? She flashed her tits to some random guy on the internet, and he called her a slut, so she chugged a bunch of bleach and killed herself. That guy is in jail now. There is a huge double standard when it comes to suicide. Men who kill themselves are demonized and vilified so that their abusers feel better. Women who kill themselves are avenged by the full force of the law, no matter what petty reason there is behind it. I assure you, if a guy posted this question, everyone would be tearing him a new asshole for driving some poor innocent woman to suicide.

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    • put all the blame on him*

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    • @Peter0 Did not read.

    • Well, you can always read the 1st paragraph and answer the snarky question I start with.

  • Honey, (I'm in the American south, I can call you that :p)

    He sounds like a manipulative (poor) bastard with mental health problems. Unless you were attacking him every day, then no, you didn't cause his suicide, and you weren't to blame.

    Not answering texts does not count as "attacking."

    Any time someone threatens to kill themself if you leave them, they're manipulating you. You DON'T need that in your life. And if you leave them, and then they kill themselves... it was their choice (probably a very poor choice) and partly they're doing it to hurt you (which this guy did).

    If your insurance covers it, you might see about talking to a therapist for a few sessions (you could call your family doctor and give the nurse a brief synopsis and ask for a referral - they'll probably give you one without having to see you). It'd help you work things out.

    As to being a crappy girlfriend, no, I don't think so. I don't think this guy COULD have had a "good" girlfriend. A normal person is going to accept that you are busy at work or whatever (texting something cute back IS awesome ;) But I'm sure you knew THAT). Focusing on your academic work is 100% reasonable! ... More than reasonable, it's probably the "better" thing to do. A guy who is interested in you *has to* accept that you have a life outside of him. We all have our own lives, and just because we're dating someone doesn't mean they end.

    You're in a really crappy place here and you don't deserve it :( I wish you well and lots of luck!

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  • He was unstable, your action just triggered him. If he was emotionally guilt tripping you to stay, you did the right thing. It was his own choice to kill himself, therefore it is his responsibility and not yours.

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    • I agree with this.

    • Exactly what he said. It's okay to be sad and even feel bad but you're not responsible for his actions. I'm sorry he put you in this situation.

  • It was not your fault at all. He had issues way deeper than your relationship. I am very sorry that this happened to you. You might want to consider some sort of therapy to work through the issues.

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    • Normally I agree with most of your posts, but this is some real white knight mangina pussy ass bullshit right here, bro.

  • Looks like he is using love as a weapon. Him committing killing himself is totally different from other people who have gone through a trauma. Just think and feel blessed that you were not apart of a plan to take you with him. If he had belived in heaven or hell then he would have never done it.

    Sounds like he is still trying to lay a guilt trip on you. The problem is his parents did not introduce love or God into his life. He was never taught that in order to love you he must love himself and that God is love.

    Looks like all you saw of his love was the evil side of it. Love is not evil.

    In all persons life there is a good and bad times and in his bad times he chose to quit and hurt as many people as possible. In death he is still trying to hurt you and make your dreams, goals and desires suffer.

    If you were baptized you would comand the Holy Spirit to give you peace and finish your finals, if you are not find a way for future bad times. Life is a lot nicer knowing your Creator is present in your bad and good times.

    Good luck and don't let him continue to exist in your mind when he is not paying rent.

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    • Not everyone needs a god to solve all their problems... People need to discover inner strength as well and lean how to cope with things on their own.

  • You cannot stay in a relationship that you do not want to be in because of what you think someone might do.
    Ultimately, each of us is responsible for our own actions. He chose to terminate his life. That was his decision, not your decision for him.
    I have contemplated suicide seriously many times, once because of what a girl did. Had I pulled the trigger back then, it would not have been her "fault", it would have been my decision.
    Move one.

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    • People are soon going to start blaming me, I don't know what to say? Or how to respond

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    • And I was right to keep my academics a priority, right?

    • @Asker Hell yes! I tell all my students to put everything else into second or third place, because what they are doing academically will determine the rest of their lives. If a relationship is good, it will survive one or both parties putting study first.

  • I was broken up with a year ago and I depressive and suicidal for a longtime afterward. I dont blame my ex for that now and I didn't blame them then. Because it wasn't about them it was more existential. It was my role in life and what I could and couldnt do. The main issue in my mind was the conflict that everyone says stuff like "you matter!" "your a wonderful person" "people love you" but at the same time I had no one who cared enough to vent to, I sure as hell didn't feel like a good person considering I drove the one person who I cared about above all else a girl I had liked ever since the first moment I saw her and the girl who was head over heels in love with me to hating me. The future didn't look all that bright. I mean was that all I had to look forward to? Little bursts of great feeling ending in complete heartbreak and emptiness? It sure felt that way. Hell, still might be that way, I haven't been in any relationships since and I may very well simply be a toxic person who is unlovable. However I've decided to live for now. After two failed attempts I didn't want to risk failing and getting caught with a third. Bottom line is, its not her fault I expect if anything im toxic. But its more than that its me critically thinking about whether life is worth living without love and whether I want to keep going.

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  • It's not your fault. From what I read, you were as much of a victim in this relationship too.

    I think you should try your best not to think too much about what happened to him, because you have tried to be accommodating to him and suffered yourself as well. But it's your responsibility to protect yourself and your future, and hence your decision was correct. It is also his decision to end his life, not your fault.

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  • you're not the one to blame, he took his own life, don't blame yourself, he needed help, and he needed to help himself or others to help him, not your fault all

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    • People are soon going to start blaming me, I don't know what to say? Or how to respond

  • So he devoted his life to you and you broke up with him. I hope you guys here are reading this question. Don't be like him.

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    • Don't be a batshit crazy manipulative asshole? I agree, terrible boyfriend material.

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    • @jeanbean I can't help but agree with that last sentence. He died, but that wouldn't change what type of person he was. But I still find things confusing. What should I do?

    • @hapyshiny

      All you can do is ignore the people trying to put all the blame in your shoulders. They're being irrational and insensitive. I know that this is very hard on you too, the thought of being the reason someone is dead is a terrible burden! But you are not to blame, don't ever believe otherwise. Talk about your feelings to people who will listen, focus on your studies and do things that you enjoy, just try to keep your mind occupied by other things until it doesn't bother you as much.

  • Honestly, you shouldn't have gotten into a relationship with him in the first place. Your mistake was getting into the relationship, not the breaking up part. You mentioned he was always super depressed. What were you thinking getting into a relationship like that if you were not going to be able to cope with it? Don't become someone's emotional support and then take it away.

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  • Definitely not it was his choice & he shouldn't have tried to emotionally blackmail you or control you like that. He clearly had some kind if emotional ir mental health problem and probably would've done it at some point anyway no matter if you were involved or not

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  • You should of warned someone of his suicide threats. You should feel guilty for not trying to help him.

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    • I did try to contact his friends. I got their phone no.'s (didnt know them) and tried calling them. Nobody picked up because they were all too busy with THEIR academic life

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    • She didn't have to do a thing. Put in her position I wouldn't have even tried or care. I'd tell my ex to kill herself and move of with my life without any guilt.

    • @Scorpio909 Psycopathy at its finest.

  • He sounds like a very unstable character. To tell you the truth I think when he made suicide threats the best thing you could have done for him was to call the men in white coats. I do not think it is your fault he commit suicide. He probably would have done so anyway sooner or later even if you had not broken up with him. It is sad though that nobody could save him.

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  • You did not do anything wrong. Please don't blame yourself for his actions. I've been in the same exact situation with an ex-girlfriend of mine, but I was lucky enough to escape without her killing herself. You are NOT at fault here.

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  • He was disturbed long before you two met. He needed help that he never got. Do not blame yourself for his suicide. This issue goes so much deeper than you. When someone becomes so emotionally dependent on another that they cannot live without you, that should be a red flag that they need help. Do not beat yourself up over this. You did what you could, but he is gone now. Let the healing process begin and live your life in honor of his memory. His suffering is over now.

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  • hope all this post is a joke, and not real, because i can't believe there are people who would commit suicide because a girl broke up with them

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    • This is not a joke, and yeah, even I can't believe a guy would kill himself over a failed relaionship in real life.

    • Unfortunately stuff like this happens daily. I know someone who killed his whole family because his wife was going to divorce him. And someone else who committed suicide by cops because he saw a new man taking care of his ex and child.

  • If people are gonna kill themselves, they will do it regardless. Its not your fault

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    • People are soon going to start blaming me, I don't know what to say? Or how to respond

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    • Makes no difference.
      if someone is going to kill themselves, they will.
      you were trying to live YOUR life, that's nothing to be blamed

    • i don't think anyone will blame you… except maybe imature kids who don't know what life is yet.

  • Not your fault at all be had issues beyond the relationship and do not take blame for it because in the end is not your decision for another person's life what he did is bad he should have listened to You and let you do what you want and he should have studied instead of skipping it but I hope you don't take blame and wish you luck in your exams and stuff and how you find the right person

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  • At your age, I wouldn't have known to report a suicide threat from someone I knew, or that a suicide ultimatum from a significant other is abuse that you should run from, or that abuse often (as in this case) comes from a state of feeling powerless. The only thing you could have done differently would have been to leave sooner and more loudly (i. e. tell someone about his threats). But that doesn't make it your fault. He made his choice, and it's done. You don't have to make excuses or tell strangers how bad he was.

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What Girls Said 32

  • No, hapyshiny, you are not at fault. However, knowing that he was like this, this emotional roller coaster that ended tragically in a train wreck, perhaps you could have guided him in the Right direction in seeking help for his emotional issues. But even with this, it may not have been much help, for he was using you for his pity wagon, attaching himself to your caboose for a life support life line by always Threatening--------Suicide and I'd always give in...
    People who have these tendencies many times use someone to Enable them to keep going by leaning on them as their only hope for survival. And when they see or think their anchor is gone, they feel lost in the sea and find no reason to continue to swim... instead end up floating like a fish out of water...
    Move on from this thought... he had mental hangups that needed professional help. He most likely wouldn't have gotten this unless his suicide attempt had failed and he was somewhere where he could have begun his beguine of having no choice but to Accept this 9/11 call.
    Good luck. xx

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  • I read your other questions. It's not your fault at all. You acted like most people when they believe relationships have to end. Staying with him any longer would have drained you too. You cannot help someone who is so psychologically damaged unless they seek help themselves. He did not. The break-up was merely a tipping point for him of whatever he was facing before he even met you.

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    • Well, first of all I really appreciate the fact that you gave me your time and read those questions. I don't think other people did that. So thank you.
      But its really hard to move on. He was my first boyfriend. And for now, I don't i'll ever even consider getting into a relationship with someone if they are supposed to be this exhausting. What should I do?

    • Mourn his loss then take a break. Find someone you can trust to talk to about this.

      Relationships should feel light. Sure, you'll have disagreements here and there and both be busy, but ultimately it should make you feel good. If there is something you sense that is not right, that you believe is fundamentally flawed, can't be worked out, and not just a small thing, then you should just leave. Don't accept bad behavior, it will save you a lot of grief.

  • Sounds like he was like that before.. You can't stay in a toxic relationship.. It doesn't help his parents didn't care about him... he was trying to feel the void that he wasn't getting from his parents... so he was investing all of his time into you rather than focussing on studies... this isn't your fault. If anyone there blames you don't listen.. Chin up buttercup!!!

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    • The thing is, he expected a lot from me, which included giving up my life, dreams, and career for him, just because he kept me a priority. And I cpuldnt do that. Do you think I was wrong to care about MY OWN life this time? And let me tell you one more thing, we are Indians, and if I, didn't get into a good college this year, my parents would've got me married (Yes arranged marriages here) by 20-21. And I don't want that. I've been working all my life to get into a good college. So is my decision justified?

    • I always supported him, didn't study for my important exams just so I could talk to him and make him feel better, but my life counts too right?

    • Girlie it's your future it wasn't his!! It's ok to put you first.. I would say I wouldn't date anyone since you said it's crucial year so you can focus.. As you said if no college you'll be in a arranged marriage..

  • This is pretty tough to deal with, but it was not your fault. The poor kid was just emotionally unstable, and he didn't know how to cope with these emotions and issues. You weren't a bad girlfriend either. It's normal to have fights, even if they are or aren't your fault. But it's not healthy at all to try to have your SO to stay by threatening suicide. I honestly feel bad for this poor child cuz it sounds like he desperately needed to cope with his depression, and it sounds like he needed a therapist and not a girlfriend.

    I had a similar experience. But I never dated the guy, I was friends with him. And he didn't actually go through with his suicide threat (thankfully!!) He told me if I didn't date him, he would kill himself because he didn't want to imagine a world without me. It was horrible for me to hear this, I cannot imagine hearing that from an SO and then them actually doing it.

    May your friend RIP. You are not to blame. I'd advise you to seek a counselor as well because this is a pretty big issue for such a young lady to have been through. Never be afraid to seek help. It doesn't make you a coward or "pussy", it makes you human.

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  • No, you shouldn't. You cannot control another persons emotions. He obviously tried with you and couldn't; so how could you breaking up directly cause him to end his life.

    He seems like a very disturbed, selfish person in the first place. Recently read something that mentioned suicide as the ultimate act of selfishness, sadly that was the first thing that popped iny head while reading this.

    You can no longer be controlled by him, you need to do whatever you need to do for yourself to pick up the pieces and get back to your life. Talk to a counselor or your parents if you are able, I know I could talk to my Mom likea big sister if that happened.

    Don't be put off by some of the strange answers you've been given here. it is hard for many to put aside their western culture to understand yours. I know I had to think this over before I responded to this. I actually read your post an hour or so ago, it bothered me, I mean I hurt for you. No matter what culture you live in it still hurts when someone who has been close ends their life. I am so sorry you are even going through this.

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  • No, it is not your fault that he CHOSE to commit suicide. It's natural for you to feel bad about the situation, but it's not your fault, nonetheless.

    I really wouldn't listen to any of the people here who say it IS your fault. The only person that is responsible for his own health, whether mental or physical, is himself. Although you ARE supposed to care about his well-being in general, relationships (especially romantic ones) are only for those who are mentally stable. A relationship is not a parenting nor a babysitting scenario. You are not his mother nor his babysitter. Especially since you said that you at least tried to convince him to get help.

    You are young. You cannot waste YOUR life & sanity trying to babysit someone else. Especially if he is emotionally blackmailing you. That is abuse, in case you didn't know. Some of these people commenting claim to be adults yet think it's okay to blame other people for their own problems & issues. In fact, you have a right to be selfish with your own life. If someone is dragging you down mentally, you need to cut them out of your life & let them be an adult & deal with their own issues.

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  • Gotta love the brainless morons, who think it's your fault this tool offed himself.

    I don't see why you bother answering those comments. These are the same people, who will blame you for getting raped if you wear a short skirt, tell you that women having the freedom to choose who to date is ruining society and think abortion should be the sole decision of the guy.

    Don't agrue with stupid people: they'll drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

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  • no this is not your fault at all, you are not resposnible for someone else's happyness. this is very tragic and sad. however this is not a reflection of you…. his problems was way deeper than you.

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  • I'm sorry to hear this. But it's not your fault. Your happiness comes first. Your life comes first. You shouldn't be blamed for someone else's actions. He chose to end his life. Maybe it was because of you that he did, but honestly, it's not your fault.

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  • This is vety sad. very sad. but not your fault. his sad stressful life and depression are what made him a difficultn boyfriend. And his suicide is very sad, but you did not cause his depression, you could not control it and you could not cure it.

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  • You are young and it is an opportunity for you to think about the reasons you ended in such an unhealthy relationship, and you are not responsible for anyone who has no to little respect gor his own life.

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  • No don't feel responsible. Just like you said, you didn't initiate the fights, he did. That shows he's mentally unstable and had underlying psychological problems. Don't feel bad hun, he should've reached out for help.

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  • Yu weren't a crappy girlfriend he was a crabby boyfriend. You shouldn't blame your self. He killed him self not you. Don't blame yourself. Also is there a chance if u can possibly send a picture on what he looks like, I am just curious.

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  • So a FRIEND, and an EX committed a suicide, and you have the nerves to log in, and ask questions?

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    • Escaping the reality of death by speaking to people, who aren't directly involved in the situation, is not unreasonable.

      Strangers are impartial and are more capable of giving objective advice that isn't based on emotions felt for asker and the ex.

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    • Not really. Even if someone was to kill themselves right in front of me it wouldn't bother me because it's just death. No one lives forever.

    • Different people deal with death in different ways. Asker may have already passed the shock stage or it hasn't sunk in yet.

      When my grandmother died, I wasn't in shock until a few days later when I saw her in the coffin at the funeral home. Until I actually saw her being dead, it didn't feel real.

  • No I don't see you as the person to blame for this... He must have a lot of other issues that caused him to kill himself. So don't blame yourself, mourn his death and wish a peaceful resting but DO NOT blame yourself.

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  • it's not your fault. How were you supposed to know he was going to do that? It's not like you encouraged him to do it or mistreated him in any way. Nobody's going to blame... except for maybe the parents. Stay clear of them.

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  • no its not your fault, you can't be expected to stay in a relationship out of fear the other person will kill themselves. some people actually try to control their partner and stop them from leaving by threatening to kill themselves and its viewed as emotional blackmail, most people who threaten suicide in relationships never mean it they bluff to make their partner stay and you could never know if he really meant it or not especially as he threatened to kill himself many times and never did it.
    he sounds like he was a really bad boyfriend, that is a lot of controlling and overly clingy behaviour for a 4 month relationship, it must have been suffocating for you. he chose to end his life not you, you aren't at fault here he was unstable emotionally and mentally.

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  • Your not to blame for him killing hisself, that's his choice alone. But I feel you are to blame for not getting him help or at least talking him into seeing a counselor.

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    • I did tell him to seek help repeatedly. He always refused. I cpuldnt do anything except that. I'm young, and I was in no position to tell my parents about it

    • there's other things you could have done but all that matters is how you feel about it. As long as you feel you did all you could.

    • I agree with SuperMommie 100%

      Your completely correct

  • No of course not, you have no fault in this. He would probably have done it anyways. You shouldn't feel bad at all.

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  • All I can say is that this is really sad.
    He had issues, shame.
    But its not ur fault,
    I don't know what to say, but I'll pray for you.😐😶❤

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