Your experience with the no contact rule for 30 days?

Question

So i just entered the no contact phase after a 4 year relationship.

I've heard all the stories about how it can either fix your relationship or prepare you for the next one, but i'm simply hoping to come out stronger from this, and for both of us to be certain of what we both want. 

I was curious about how those who have gone through this, and how it affected their relationship and whether it was worth it or not. Or do you think you were dragging things out?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

In the first 30 days everything was fine. I was full of hope and went to see friends and family. But then I started to spend more time alone and became very sad and lonely. When I finally contacted him he told me that he interpreted the whole thing as me breaking up with him but just trying to be nice about it. He gave me examples of my behaviour that told him I wasn't into the relationship anymore. They were true, he was right. He said that he was afraid for us to get back together if I wanted to, because none of those reasons have changed and he thinks that we would get back together and be happy for awhile but eventually I would realize all the same issues are still there and I'm still unhappy and then break up with him all over again. He said he can't put himself through that pain again... so he is too afraid to take me back. And he's so right because although I love him so so so so much and miss him everyday, I'm not sure if it's what's best for us in the bigger picture of our lives. And all this time where I could have realized it was over, I let it drag out in this limbo state and now when it's really ending I feel worse than ever.

Bubble_stubble · Accepted Answer

I think your experience with the 30 day NC rule will be determined by why you're even wanting to implement it.

Use this time to really reflect what happened in your relationship and what you and your ex did to contribute to the breakup. Try and get out more, do hobbies you haven't had much time for or try something new, go on casual dates, hang out with friends/family etc. This is a healing period and don't go in with the expectation that after 30 days your ex will come back and your relationship will be magically fixed.

By all means if you two eventually want to give it another shot then do it, but make sure whatever problems you had before are discussed and fixed BEFORE you try again

Cmasterson · Accepted Answer

I think it can be very useful in trying to figure yourself out, it changes your life drastically when you go from talking to your SO everyday to not at all, so in that time I find that 1) either they will miss you or 2) you will realize you don't want to be with them anymore because you analyze your whole relationship, if you don't feel that way by the end then your feelings are still strong and it was clear that you both were on different pages long before your broke up. Which is confusing, personally I don't think there should be a 'rule' just do whatever you think its best for yourself and remain strong. x

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Personally , it doesn't work for me. Having no contact just teaches me to live without him. It helps me to grow stronger on my own.

Relationships are measured by the bad times, not the good. So communicating and having the ability to resolve issues is paramount to strengthen the bond , and keep the relationship together.

If i am in a relationship and we have issues , then i would want to fight to save the relationship. If two people don't fight to be together... when faced with problems , then that means there's nothing left worth fighting for. They both might as well end it there and then.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

If you’re talking of No Contact as the fastest way to heal, get over someone, move on, forget about them and find someone new, you’re right. Yes, it’s very powerful especially for those people who after breaking up acted “so crazy” that their ex thought they might be clinically insane (and may not want them back anyway), or for extremely needy people who can’t resist the urge to contact an ex just to relieve their anxiety.

But if you mean No Contact as a strategy for getting an ex back, NC can lead to delusional thinking and clinging to the false hope of getting back with an ex. Assuming that because you are not contacting someone, that person is spending most of his/her time wondering what you are doing all the time or is missing you and wants to come back sounds more like an ego trip than anything. And while you’re wondering if you will ever hear or even see him/her again your ex might be pissed off that someone who claimed to love him/her so much can just get him/her out of their system so fast.

rjroy3 · Accepted Answer

First time I didn't make a plan to have no contact. Just happened naturally. We started talking again, but never got back together. Although we could have if I played my cards right.

Second girl, did no contact. Again, not as a plan, just happened. We got together for awhile and later broke up for good.

Another girl I actively decided to do no contact. Didn't help at all and nothing good came from it.

I think people don't realize that "No Contact" isn't about something magic that happens when you don't talk to someone. It's really not about them. It's about getting you ok with being your own person again, without the other person in your life. Just like you were before you met. Makes sense.
So if you "fake it" so to speak and just sit on your thumbs waiting for 30 days you really didn't do yourself any favors. You haven't let yourself get over the break up and you haven't gotten your head right.

Darkfairie17 · Answer

I picked the 3rd option. I find that when someone breaks up with me or vice versa, it really helps to take a step back and really analyze the relationship. Oftentimes I find that it was really better to have separated than to have stayed together.

It can be hard to see the bad, when you are fighting to only see the good. If you keep in contact with a person, you will never get a chance to move on.

There was a reason you broke up, so you need time to think about that.

I think the time can definitely help you heal and forge a better future :)

Anonymous · Answer

Right now I'm in the middle of the process. I caught my boyfriend flirting with girls and leading them to believe he was single and I dumped him instantly without acting like a psycho and just stopped talking to him. He ended up seeing me on a dating website and now, two weeks after we broke up, he's acting like he would get the moon for me if I asked and is begging for my attention.

I didn't use NC as a way to get him back because I don't think I'll ever be able to fully trust him but I'm not going to lie it's very satisfactory to have him behave this way.

Oxi112094 · Answer

No contact rule is for YOU. Whether it brings you guys back together or not is optional, but in the end, not contacting an ex will better prepare you for a healthier mind set. It doesn't mean that if they dont contact you in 30 days, you can contact them now. When you reach that goal, reach for another 20, and then another 30. Its all about your jouney to bettering yourself after heartache.

OrdinaryGentleman · Answer

I wasn't going to be dragged along. You either choose me or lose me. I am not going to sit around and argue about who said what or how you felt. I am here to get to the root of the problem weather that be how I or you act... if you are unwilling to do so then bye.

JustBeingHonest7 · Answer

No contact is good, but add in the decision that you will never go back and you are golden. After a relationship ends, what drags things out is people sitting there and holding onto hope that the relationship will get back together. So go through with no contact, but do it as a way to get over your ex.

DarkHumorRUs · Answer

That's stupid, if your relationship is stressing you out so much that you need to not talk for 30 days, that's fucking insane. If you really love someone you want to talk to them everyday, because that's what your life is about.

Cookies_AndMilk · Answer

The only thing that can 'fix' a relationship are two people who love each other enough to actually try. If you care about someone you'll do what is necessary to ensure their needs are being met. If you aren't invested in the person you're with then some technique, or fad, or anything is going to fix that.

Anonymous · Answer

I have started doing no contact to heal myself, not our relationship. It's been two months now and the more time passes the more relaxed I feel. I feel better about myself, and my life, I have more time to rediscover who I truly am as he used to be on my mind so often that it has led me to forget about my own well-being.

KxngJ · Answer

I did the 30 NC at first to see if she would miss me or contact me but after a couple of weeks I realized that she wasn't going to contact me which gave me time to question our relationship a lot which also helped me open my eyes. At the beginning of our break up I couldn't image going w/o her but now I still think about her some times but I no longer want to get back with her.

Rufus · Answer

During the 30 Days no contact you will need to think if you want him back or not, if it's worth or not. Even if passed years you will think that but MOST IMPORTANT:

You. If you want him back you will improvide your self to become more happy, etc. Then when you show him, he will probably!! fall in love with you again. If you need help during No Contact tell me!

AthleticMom · Answer

A - except year later they divorced me
I should never have taken them back after 30 days

30 days abstinence is only good for alcohol

"On a Break" is never 30 days if setting out to fix things. It ends whenever the other party initiates a reconciliation and the other party jumps at this chance. The range can be 3-21 days tops and usually is waiting for a competitor's relationship to either flourish or die.

iamyourneighbor · Answer

The no contact rule is not for the other person it's to help you feel better. It's not used to make a relationship better it's for the person to move on and heal

MadeInAmerica · Answer

Other. It is one of the dumbest relationship concepts someone made up. I laugh every time I hear someone adopting it.

Pyrofox · Answer

I eventually just moved on and what was 30 days turned into a year in a half of both being single

Anonymous · Answer

Part of this also includes not obsessing about the situation. Don't worry about the outcome of it. Don't even think about it. Just live your life

Nathand · Answer

as a virgin its really easy.

Your experience with the no contact rule for 30 days?

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