He broke up with me because he has too much on his plate?

[Redsky08]

My boyfriend or should I say ex-boyfriend broke up with me this Friday over the phone. His mom was recently diagnosed with cancer and his brother starting college this fall. He is the man of the house since they don't have a father. And because of these reasons he said he wanted to be alone because he had too much on his plate. He told me he cared for me and that I was a great girl but it was better for us to break up. I was so shocked by his decision all I could say was ok but now that I've had time to think I realized I want to talk things through because I want to be with him, but I don't know if I should? I mean how could leave someone you claim to love just like that? I want to text or call him but I don't know if it's even worth it.

[farscryer0]

He's compartmentalizing his life at the moment, trying to find that which he can spend his time and effort for the most gain. And his focus is on his family right now, and so are his rapidly changing priorities. That isn't to say that you aren't important, but he probably feels that by not focusing so much on you, he doing you a disservice.

Wanna fix that good intentioned but ultimately stupid plan?

Get involved in his life and stay involved. Be a friend when he needs one and remind him that you're still here for him. If you care about him, don't let him push you into the background (which is what he's currently doing). You do this long enough, ardently enough, he'll stop trying to push you away for "your benefit" and keep you in his life.

Don't be surprised, however, that in doing this, he might wind up getting down on one knee for you. One thing that guys tend to look for are the people that stand by them in difficult situations, and we tend to keep those that give a shit very, very close.

[Redsky08]

You see I understand what you are trying to say and it makes perfectly sense that's what I think he is doing too, but how do I get involved in his life if he just broke up with me and hasn't contacted me since?
I do care for him and I do want to continue being part of his life and supporting him during these tough times, but I don't know how to do that.

[Bobba_Fett]

Sounds like he was looking out for you, and felt he couldn't perform his duties as your boyfriend so he cut you loose to find someone who could.

[Redsky08]

So I shouldn't contact him?

[Bobba_Fett]

That is up to you.
But were it me, I would.
First I would want to know the motive behind all of this 'on my plate' stuff. If it was just an excuse and he just doesnt' like me anymore, then I can let him go.

But breaking up with me cause he thinks it will be better for me is bullshit. Not only will I decide for my self who is good enough for me, but we are together, and we're a team. If that means his brother in collage and mamma in the hospital means he can't take me out anymore I understand. His funds need go to something more important that miniature golf and steak dinner. But I'm still not going anywhere.

But thats just me. If I've decided the relationship is worth it, I'm a dedicated lover, and a loyalist.

[Redsky08]

Thank you I know what I must do now. I know it's maybe asking for too much, but if you were in this situation how would you contact him? Like what would you say?

[Bobba_Fett]

Well, as I said you need to do an evaluation first. Is the relationship worth the trouble? If it isn't, you move on. If it is, you call, or better set up a coffee date or jamba juice or whatever and talk to him. This is evaluation stage 2, the exact wording will be up to you but should sound like "I need to know the exact reasoning as to how you determined that you couldn't be with me anymore." The idea is that he'd walk you through the thought process. If it at all like I've said, that he was trying to make sure you got to be happy, even if it wasn't with him, then you know what to say after that. If he lies (you should be able to tell when he's lying by now), or says that he's just not into you, then you have to walk away at this point. Thats what I would say, and what my reactions would be.

In either case, broke up, or dedicated to a man with responsibility, you've got a long row to hoe in front of you.

[Redsky08]

Yes at least from my point of view I believe it is worth the trouble. I just don't want to pressure him or seem pushy, but at the same time I don't want to lose him.. I wish there was a guide that would tell you what is the right thing to do *sigh*

[Bobba_Fett]

You have the right to be pushy in this case.
As 1 of 2 parts of the relationship you deserve the truth.

If he broke up with you to 'save' you somehow, you need to get in his face and make sure he knows that you see that this is a jacked up time for him, and that it would be a shame if he threw away a great source of love and support.

I know its scary, but, look at it from his point of view. If he is up to what we suspect, how much of a homerun will you have scored if you show up and refuse to abandon him in his time of need? Grand slam, girl. Its worth a phone call at least.

[Redsky08]

You're right. I'm going to call him. I mean what's the worst that could happen? Thank you for your advice. You have definitely given me a more clear perspective of what it is I want and should do.

[Bobba_Fett]

Happy to help. PM me if you need anything else.

[esparza13]

Girl, I am somewhat in the same boat! My ex broke up with me because he was being deployed and he felt too much pressure on him and he didn't want to keep me waiting. He also said the I have too much on my plate excuse. Look point blank from what I got from all my other friends if he wants to be with you he will be with you. Call him and tell him how you feel and if he still doesn't want to be with you then you have closure. You already lost him so what's the harm in trying it out one more time.

[Redsky08]

Thank you. That's the plan I just have to muster up the courage to do it. Did you do the same?

[esparza13]

You will trust me , one of these days you will just be walking and replay all of these scenes in you're head and you will always wonder why unless you get closure. Well with him I was infuriated with the way he broke up with me. It was out of the blue from one day to the next literally ! I didn't understand I mean we even tried to have a baby but then he just shut down on me. He had finally received his orders and I don't know / I still shed a tear here and there... and I still think about him and pray for him every night. The thing with our situation is that we're in different points in our life. He wanted a wife & children already because he had grown up so fast me I'm just getting to know who I am in life. Plus he's almost out of the army and I'll be joining during his deployment. I still love him and I did try to contact him after I basically gave him a piece of my mind & he never tried to contact me back so I got my answer & I can move on with my life. Focus on you!

[Redsky08]

So far, I still haven't contacted him and honestly I don't know how to go about it. I was thinking a text and see what his response is, but I don't know. And I'm sorry to hear about your story it must suck to have experienced so much with a person and they just leave you like that.

[esparza13]

Look, i'm gonna tell you something I have learned out of all the relationships I have been in. Guys, they like to chase & whenever you don't give them space and you care too much they take advantage. Now I am not saying all guys BUT the majority are. If you keep begging him to come back trust me he won't and he will always have in the back of his head that you will always love him and he can come back whenever he wants. THAT IS NOT TRUE , don't give him that sort of power! Do the text thing I followed my own advice and he never responded... I got my closure & I have been dating here and there. Trust me you can find someone else please trust me when I say you can. The heartbreak hurts and I am not gonna lie to you there's points in my day where I see something or I hear a song and I think of him and I just freeze and I wanna cry.. but I'm better than that& I know there is someone out there that will appreciate everything that makes me me. Don't wait send him the text & move on.

[esparza13]

Tell him how you feel in that text but don't keep holding off on it because you'll only hurt yourself. He's moving on with his life. Obviously he has to but you have to too. Not to be selfish or anything but he's not you're problem anymore. One thing I did learn from my ex is that he taught me how to take charge. If I want something in life I need to get up and get it.
I''ll always hold the good memories dear to my heart but he's just another person to me now and I am better off. He helped me in a way I guess you could say refocus my life. I am focusing on me and trying to get more in shape so I can make it through basic training and become a solider. If I like it then I will make the military a career if I don't then I will finish my two years left of college and get my BA in teaching. Seriously though if you are a believer like I am also I believe if me and my ex are really meant to be we will see each other again one day and maybe we will both in the right places in our lives

[Sara413]

He probably feels that he doesn't have the time or energy to devote to your relationship right now and would rather end it than strain it send have one more stress to deal with. The best thing you can do is tell him you understand and that you care about him and are there for him if he needs you. But don't push for more answers of try to pressure him into getting back together. That'll just add more stress to his life.

[Redsky08]

So you're saying I should just give up on him?

[booch]

i feel you should try and work things out and see how it goes, he problem didn't mean it because like you said he had a lot of more important things to worry about than a relation but he shouldn't be in the situation by himself talking to nobody to just feel like everything going to be alright

[Redsky08]

That's exactly what I think, but he can be very stubborn you have no idea.

[raio81597]

He needs your support and understanding right now, and at the moment what he's really saying is he needs a best friend. I wouldn't push the relationship thing too hard, you love him I can tell, he'll come around and he'll need your help, losing two parents is going to kill him emotionally, he's going through a tough time right now, just be there for him even if he acts like he doesn't want to see you let him know you won't give up and you love enough to stand by his side through thick and thin it's what love is about good and bad times shared together.

[Redsky08]

Well that's what I was trying to do when he told me he needed to be alone. I wasn't pushing the relationship at all and that's what I want him to understand that I will be there for him, but he broke up with me and completely cut connection. We were fine and out of nowhere he just told me this. Nevertheless, I don't want to lose him, but at this point I don't know what to do.

[raio81597]

Actions speak louder than words, pay him a visit, visit his mom bring her a get well soon card. What would you want him to do if you were hurting, would you really want to be alone?

[Redsky08]

If he broke up with me, what makes you think he'll want to see me? If I was hurting I wouldn't push away the person I claim to love like he did

[raio81597]

If you dumped him you would, would you break up with someone then in a short amount of time go running back to them? Not with what he's dealing with, and he's dealing with a lot right now. He may not say "I'm sorry I made a mistake yesterday can we get back together and pick up where we left off can you forgive me?" Imagine in your mind if people that you loved were dying all around you, how much trust would you have that anyone else you love won't die too, he's being irrational and fear often is the motivator.

[Redsky08]

So then what should I do? Visit him and tell him what? I don't want to seem or act pushy because I understand what he is going through I just don't agree with the way he is reacting.

[raio81597]

I get you don't agree because you will act differently in that situation we all have different values and beliefs. If you go see him tell him you respect his decision for now, you support him 100%, and know what he has to deal with is very difficult and hurts him to his core, You will however not give up on him no matter what, and he needs to know that you're there for his mom too and if there is anything you can do or say to help relieve some stress right now you are willing to do it, even if it's cooking dinner or washing dishes.

[orphan]

when my mom was going through cancer it felt like I was a single parent. she couldn't do anything on her own... even the waking part. chemo sucks the life outta ya, so a caretaker is necessary. I understand his lredictament. unless you're willing to be part of his family and live with hi at his moms. you're not longer a priority.

[orphan]

walking part*

[Redsky08]

I understand that and I'm not trying to be a priority. I get that his family comes first I just don't want to leave him alone through this and of course I don't want to lose him. We have/had a great relationship which is why it startles me that he made this drastic decision without asking me what I wanted. unless he doesn't feel the same for me (which he said it wasn't the case) then I don't understand.

[orphan]

well... if you haven't already... offer up what you can bring to the table, and what you expect and no longer do.

[red_knight]

Try meeting him to maybe talk n understand him better.

[Trenhard_]

That's a paper thin excuse for saying I'm not that into you anymore.

[Offthelist]

Its worth it. ALWAYS

[farscryer0]

Agreed.