My husband wants a divorce. Why does he still flirt with me and visit me?

[mariamarmar]

I met my husband online at 15. We met in real life at 20 after 5 years of having crushes. We married at 21 and had a loving life. We never once argued. it was always laughs and love. Before we got married he had quit drinking and smoking and during our marriage he told me he didn't want to do any of that and wanted to be clean so i followed to give supoort. Fast forward 3 years later (and me moving to his country, learning the language) and he says he's not ready for this (literally the day prior he was hugging me and being loving) he told me he had been smokijg behind my back for 6 months because he felt oppressed (i never once prohited him going out, i encouraged it actually) but he says he wants to just be alone and be single and that the person he was when he was with me was the person he thought i wanted (it wasn't and i told him).
I've agreed to move out. he's moved in with his dad. He still comes over almost everyday after dinner and hangs out with me and has a laugh and talks about his day and asks about mine. He asked me to text him during the day to see what im up to. He went to an event ast night and came home drunk to sleep (he hasn't slept in our place since the break up) and during the afternoon instead of showering at his dad's, he came to shower at our place. (his dad is our neighbor. 2 steps away) everytime he's around he calls me a little baby and whenever he leaves me asks me for a hug. I told him i still love him and would like to start a new chapter but he wants out. Im moving out anyway and giving him his space (i know for a fact there isn't another woman)
We have agreed to the terms of our divorce (we have to divorce in 2 years for legal reasons) and thats that. If he was 100% done he wouldn't be hanging out so much with me. He said he would spend the weekends at our place. What? Im 100% confused. If he just being friendly or should i wait it out until this is out of his system? Im willing to give him his freedom.

[WhereIsMyMind]

That's what they do, particularly when they know you have feelings for them and want to make it work. Some men seem to get bored of calm, loving relationships. And for some delusional reason think the grass will be greener on the other side.
Because you are an open option for him (you're making it clear you want the relationship to work), he probably thinks it would be easy to go experience other things and you'll still be there waiting for him. Because of this he doesn't want you to go, so he'll keep being nice to you and confusing you.

Your best option is to make an effort to move on so that he'll see that you've had enough and you're not going to be the option to fall back on when he gets bored of pursuing whatever else he wants to do. This is for the best because you'll soon discover if he really does care and wants you to stay, and then he'll come back for you. If not, he's simply too immature to deal with commitment and there's no point in bothering with him at all. I've been in your position and they just take advantage because they know you're not going anywhere so it's like you're not exciting and valuable, so they try their luck at still having the benefits without committing.

[mariamarmar]

Oh wow this is quite helpful. I hadn't seen it that way. Man, some dudes are weird. 😒

[sophie1608]

Sounds like you love him, I think if that's what you think I'll make you happy , try it out one last time. But we aware you need to seek for your own happiness and you can't get that with someone who's back and forth. Try it out but if you see that what you went through might repeat. Get out of there

[mariamarmar]

Well, im movingnout regardless. Just today i got a newnjob contract in a city about an hour away and I've found an appartment as well. I meann im doing me. But it just plants a little seed of doubt in my mind when he acts so flirty with me and just stares at me in silence and then next topic is about the conversation with our accountant about my living arrangements. Its weird

[sophie1608]

Keep focusing on you , let him know what he's missing for not being straight forward , just do you

[SovereignessofVamps]

I'm surprised online dating sites existed back in 2009! It sounds like he could have had issues, before, since you said he had to quit. Sounds like... he relapsed? Either way, it sounds like he wants to stay split. Sorry Asker.

[SovereignessofVamps]

So... he likes the benefits w/o commitment.

[mariamarmar]

It wasn't a dating site :p we were just online gaming.

[mariamarmar]

When i ask him what he wants he just says he's confused. Everyone around us is telling me to just give him his space to be who he is (im cool with that) either way injust today got a job and found an apartment so im moving out for sure and ready to move on, but his actions plan a little seed of doubt. Its not he wants sex or anything, just when he comes over he lays on my chest and hugs me for a while and stuff. Its just weird to me

[truthbeknown]

No offence, but 20/21 just isn't mature enough to handle being married. I don't think you lived together long enough and grew together as a couple. Online dating doesn't count. Because of immaturity and general lack of real life experience, he is behaving this way. Doesn't want to be married, but doesn't want to leave you either. This is why you need to date and live together for a couple or few years first.

[abhinavsharma]

Simple answer to your question is he cares for u and inner soul or bond doesn't want you to leave. he wants you to do something which can make him get divorced with u. Be happy n care for him. fights n things get messy its just u who can make things right with each other. understand him.

[mariamarmar]

Well we're alreadyvgetting divorced so i dont understand what he could be waiting for. Or maybe something that can make things easier for him to forget me? He says he loves me but he's putting himself first, which.. Good for him. As of now im trying to be his friend. Starting fresh. Not acting like an old couple, just friends. Maybe i can start a new type of friendship or relationship with him. Im totally open for room for improvement. Noone is perfect

[abhinavsharma]

Nice thinking, one day take him out just u n him.. hangout love flirt. Be fabulous cute. he love u crazy girl. Just do more. n try finding out what is making him stop loving u. (I mean other girl, job or money or the ego) n miss u r family to him. Be leader n show love feeling, fall tears a little, make food we love food when wife is making. spend more time. Try to. meet in job or take lunch to him. u know the in India. every wife does similar things. thats why indian families r always stronger in long term marriage. Think about it. Don't be sad be happy. at least in front of him. n don't make him feel that u r happy because he leaving u. Just be normal. n make him feel that u want him serious. u have kids? ma'am

[mariamarmar]

Nah, we dont like kids sk we decided not to have them. I hope this works out 😒😞

[abhinavsharma]

Okay, no problem. ma'am be happy don't use this sad smile, that's bad u don't like kids. but in a marriage kids r important part of families. n try to over think. .. Just think why our parents r always happy when they had us. as kids. Its because we gave them hope to live together even in odd times. Kids or a child is another part of love. . Take care. Don't think much plan beautiful things with him or go n talk to him. Take some beers or pastry or cake made by u. he will feel nicer n caring. Little little things make a happy family. n its a long way ahead. Don't lose hope. Be with him or hold him tight with love. u love him. he love u. u both be happy that's my blessings for u

[Elarra]

You'd have to ask him that question. No one on this site can tell you why he's acting like that.

[wildbill81]

he sounds dumb ass hell for letting u go