Girlfriend on vacation

[Anonymous]

I've been with her for over a year. And for that year, I never saw any infidelity, like out with other men stuff like that but well.. Except for Lie's about what she did. I want to trust her... But I'm having a hard time.. Am I just being insecure, or is this just an instinct coming from a guy who went through that "Getting Cheated on" scenario already.

So My girl is on Vacation in Europe. Before she went there, she told me that her Ex-Boyfriend lives there but will be going to New Jersey. So I believed her...

1st day of her vacation we talked over the phone about how it is over ther. 2nd day, same thing.. 3rd day samething... 4th day, she told me she's going to a different city with some friends to meet up with old friends... and so on... 1st week on her vacation, I called her and asked jokingly.

Me: "So did you meet your ex-boyfriend there?"

Her: "Yeah, I'm with some friends right now... Ill tell you later"

Me: "oh, ok.."

Me as Me.. I let my loved ones be independent, I don't like caging them and telling them no lets talk about it now... Plus, she's on vacation, I don't want to ruin it for her... So I waited for her call... And she didn't call.. I had to texted her if she's able to talk. and then we talked...

She was basically telling me nothing happened. She and the Ex just talked and stuff... So I believed her.

Couple days later, She called me and I was glad she made an effort... Then she started telling how she's frustrated how her bestfriend keeps avoiding her... So I told her, maybe he has a girlfriend... THen she said yeah, but she's in greece... Then I said, maybe his girlfriend doesn't want him to go out... Then her reply shook my world... She said "well, She's not gonna know if he went out".. I was like, "Wow, that's not a good way of thinking things" and then, she started telling me that her girlfriend knows he goes out because he posts it on Facebook... which doesn't made sense to me anymore. she said "she's not gonna know if he went out" and then "his girlfriend knows he goest out"...

Am I being paranoid? Is this "Getting cheated on before" mentality kicking in even though probably my girlfriend hasn't done anything wrong?

I don't know what to believe... My brain, or her. Advice please.

Updates

+1 y

I guess the "She's not gonna know if he went out" that she said bothered me... Because the ex-gf that I had said a similar phrase like "what mama doesn't know won't kill her" and that ex-gf Cheated on me. Me thinking, what she said, is how she thinks..

[hawaiianbeautyxo]

Okay, well the good thing is your girlfriend is still talking to you. I think in a way you are being paranoid, because of your ex. Remember this, she's not your ex she's someone different. Your ex is your ex for whatever reason.. that means they are in the past. Her ex is her ex for whatever reason, I know she's 4000 miles away and that's gotta suck but you have to trust her.

Keep in mind while in this different country their time zones are different and she's on vacation and she's still making time to talk to you. That's a good thing. The worst thing you can do is drive someone else away from you and into the arms of someone else. Meaning, if you keep pushing and getting upset over the little evidence you have due to past baggage you may potentionally ruin your relationship. Jealousy is an ugly beast.

Therefore, I think you may be worrying a bit much. I do understand where your concern is coming from because there is an ex involved. If she said nothing happen you can either chose to believe her or chose not too but the thing is this... all healthy relationships deserve trust. That's one of the key components to a good standing solid relationship. If you question a person and get paranoid you will only do more damage than good. If you confront her and tell her you don't want her to see the ex who also happens to be a FRIEND, then you will make her feel like you guys don't have a solid foundation. You have to let go of all the baggage with your ex, relationships can't overcome ghosts.

You have to believe your heart, your brain is going to over think this to death and you'll know in your heart. If what she said about the girlfriend thing upset you approach it in a CALM resonable manner. Say to her, "i know she won't know but still he should respect her enough to inform her that you guys are just friends and you are in town on vacation. You would want me to say that to you too right?" and that way she becomes aware that its not just her wanting to spend time with her friends it puts her in the position to have to think. Just simply say to her I understand you guys wanna go out and have fun.. but I know you wouldn't like it if I did that to you. It would make you feel like I don't know I was doing something wrong. Shell get it hopefully and shell think about it.

Best of luck! I hope that helps some! just try to relax because people who want to cheat will cheat no matter what. But don't be the reason someone steps out on you because you push them away and shut them out. that's all! You can only be responsible for you. Don't be your biggest enemy.

[llcsk8r]

I would say you are being insecure and paranoid based on the past experience. She was just referring to the guy going out and his girlfriend not being there, she is still calling you from so far away and on vaca and she is telling you what she is doing. I think you need to look deep in your heart and see how you really feel about this girl. Maybe she has qualities you learned with your ex you can not live with in a romantic relationship, if that is the case then you do need to break up with her. If not then share your insecurities with her and get to another level with her by sharing these feelings. The number one thing is you can not be close if you do not trust her, I have trust issues myself and know what it can do to wreck a relationship. So figure out exactly what it is you are feeling about her beyond the trust issue and do what you need to do for yourself. Good luck.

[rockmom]

the two of you have had a break down of communication. if she's acting strange, its going to send up a red flag. if she talking openly with you, be open with her. tell her she's making you uncomfortable before you get all worked up. the longer it festers the uglier its gonna be. if she's hiding anything, the more you talk about it, the more the truth will come out.

[HumphreyT]

On most occasions that I have experienced women never admit it. They either get caught or they don't.

I know a girl in particular that was caught (all the way caught) and still to this day denies it to everyone except friends and family.

There is rarely a reason to hang out with an ex.

It's called temptation try to avoid it people tend to play with fire and try to hide the burns.

Go with your gut. Worst case scenario you're wrong and you have to start over because your paranoia ruined it.

Best case scenario you get out and no longer have to worry about her every time she is off somewhere far away with her ex.

The problem here is women are smarter than men when it comes to this sort of thing and if they want to get away with something more times than not they will.

The girl I mentioned above got caught because she had gotten away with it so may times she just didn't care if she got caught...and after getting caught she still got away with it.

Find someone you trust or learn to trust. Good luck.

[Jasper5566]

well that's difficult.. I've been there, worse, it happened to me twice for a reason I don't want to control those 2 girls..

anyway, I don't know if its ok or not say this but your relationship is in a big trouble dude..well actually it depends if the girl will go for all the temptation in Europe.if ever she will be tempted, just hope that she won't cheat. the best thing to do, just trust her. you can't do anything anyway except to trust her. its all that you can do.. remember, if she really loves you then she will come back to you...at this rate, she wants to have fun with her friends and meet new people... just don't annoy her so much right and better yet always let her feel that there is someone who will have her the day she gets back home.. relationship is run not only by love buy commitment and trust.. just let her have fun with a limitation and be a good boyfriend letting her feel you love her..

[Trihill]

I am going to give you some advice:

1. Out of sight, out of mind...right now things are okay since you are both still talking. But, her thinking is changing and thoughts lead to actions, eventually.

2. Love is being able to let someone go and if they love you back, they will come back to you. If she comes back to you, then she still loves you.

If she does cheat, what is your plan?

[Asker]

That's the deal.. If she cheats, I'm out... I don't want to be in that kind of relationship. I got Cheated on before, Let it go, She came back, I took her back, then she cheated on me again... I don't want to be treated like that..

But my problem is right now, How to get her talking honestly.. Like what really happened...

[Trihill]

Girls don't really tell the truth, they try to make it seem justified somehow or shift blame. If you probe too much she will take offense to it and give you the cold shoulder until you respect her back.

My suggestion is you leave her now while she's in Europe because if you don't like being cheated on then you need to walk away from that situation if it hasn't happened already.

[Asker]

If I don't want to get cheated on leave even if it hasn't happened yet?

So I'm getting this as "In relationships, being cheated on is normal? and you have to deal with it?"

I like what you said though.

"Girls don't really tell the truth, they try to make it seem justified somehow or shift blame. If you probe too much she will take offense to it and give you the cold shoulder until you respect her back."

That is what she does.

[Trihill]

If you warn her, she will take offense to it as you don't trust her. If you bring it up, then it shows that you are a controlling person and she will try to distance herself from you, which leads to cold shoulder. Right now, she is a relationship butterfly and hasn't quite settled into you yet. She's with you in an open relationship. You are her comfort zone until she finds something else better.

You shouldn't have to put up with it.

[maskerade]

But she hasn't cheated on him! If she had she wouldn't be telling him what she'd been doing! Please don't wreck your relationship because of paranoia?

[Trihill]

She hasn't cheated but, she is thinking and talking about going out with another man who is already hooked with someone else-really? I don't think it's okay to say that it ain't cheating until after the sex, especially when it was a series of thoughts and actions that led up to that moment in the first place.

[lefthand]

If someone wants to have sex with other people, they will. At that point, you figure out if you can live with it or not. Up until that point, worrying about simply drives a wedge into your relationship. So believe her or dump her. Fretting about it just makes you that much less pleasant to be around.

[phoenixgoddess27]

God gave us instincts to save us from bad situations. Follow them. If you choose to ignore them, you'll only be hurting yourself. Make sure it's your instincts though and not you reminiscing about your ex girlfriend cheating on you, saying the same line. There should be NO reason for her to be hanging out with her ex when she told you he'd be in New Jersey. Lying in a relationship and hinting that someone's spouse won't find out is just telling you one thing. Follow your instincts.

[Xenophobia]

It seems there are many insecurity issues to work out here. I suggest you talk to her. and if she keeps lying, just break up with her. You need to be able to trust people...if they can't be trusted, then there is no sense in continuing to try to mend this relationship.

[superman41569]

man I'm sorry she's doing something an might not be telling you the whole story sometimes girls can be really oblivious to what they are saying or doing in front of you so I don't know how she is with her ex but be careful I had bad feeling reading that

[Phoenix52]

I don't blame her for cheating on you. She goes on this vacation and you have to call her everyday? You seriously have no life, do you?

Your insecurity ruined it. If you have no trust from the start, there IS NO chance of a relationship. And it sounds like this isn't a boyfriend/girlfriend scenario. More like casual dating.

Let her do what she wants to do, and before you engage in any other girls, fix yourself.

[MahksVonAye]

Just because you're either lonely or your boyfriend doesn't care about you enough to call you don't put the OP down you're answer is made entirely as an offensive one... please quit the site no one needs your trashy advice

[etcase]

just ask her and be done with it. tell her what you just told all of us and say that you have good reason to be suspicious. there is only so much people can tell you before you just have to create the awkward situation and ask her ya know.

[Reeses-pieces777]

hmm well just calm down and talk to her face to face and talk things through.

and why is she hanging out with the ex? that's just weird. if I'm dating a new guy, the ex boyfriend is history.

[Anonymous]

both of you need to take a chill pill! My boyfriend is the same way as you. I went out of town for work and text me a million times! If he called and I didn't answer he was all butt hurt. He cheated on me when we first started dating so he thinks I am going to do the same. People need to chill and give partner space...you smothering her will ony push her away from you.

[chiefnavarro]

i think its unacceptable for your partner to spend time with her ex. let the past be the past. but hey that's me I see eye to eye with everbody.

[MahksVonAye]

Exactly... I mean she LIED flat out.
"He will be in NJ"

I'd be like "I thought he was in Jersey? you know lying does not secure a relationship.

And if she attempted to get defensive I'd say

"Your stuff is out in the street you're out of my life I need a woman not a loose slut!"

[Anonymous]

If she is meeting her ex chances are she is hooking up or thinking about it, while she is over their maybe you should have some fun, go out with the guys have fun etc...

[Anonymous]

Maybe she is cheating on you, but be relaxed with for the time when she will return.