Ex wants to get back together for a 4th try - worth it?

i am 27 years old. my boyfriend of 4 years recently broke up with me. this is not the first time. we have broken up twice before (his doing) for 4-6 months each time. each time he immediately had another girl which always led me to believe he must have been talking to them behind my back and broke up with me so he didn't feel guilty when he followed through on more than talking. I'd been having bad feelings this was happening again since he recently became close with his female neighbor. since becoming friends, he began fighting me more, telling me I didn't hang out enough, getting mad if I worked late, etc. to try and reconnect we went on a vacation together in February. after returning, he tired to break up with me 2x and I begged him not to leave. in march he finally pulled the plug admitting he had been miserable for 6 months, telling me this would be for best for both of us in the long run. I was devastated (we were supposed to move in together this coming October!). I asked him to help me through this and be there as my friend, I'd call him having a full blown anxiety attack because of this and instead of comforting me he called me a child and told me not to contact him. its been 3 months. he just contacted me 2 weeks ago to tell me he missed me and wanted to be with me again. WTF?! (why do guys this?!?! just when you think you can survive without them, they swoop back in!) I met up with him to see what he had to say, he was sorry, he wants to prove he can be there for me, forever, talked about wanting to marry me and how he made a horrible decision that was irrational and needs me back. I don't know what to make of this. how can I trust him? do you think he means anything he is saying or is he just bored and thinks he wants me back? now he is mad at ME blaming ME for not being together when he is the one who chose this in the first place. needles to say he has become very hurtful and mean since I've told him I don't know if I can be with him again. I want to. I love him. my family/friends hate him now.is this becoming mentally/emotionally abusive? do I follow my heart? or follow my head? is he worth giving another shot?

Updates:
thanks.he is still begging.still not sure what I'm going to do.we hung out and it was normal.but nervous he will become irrational and leave again.we are even fighting about getting back together and it reminds me of how we used to fight and be so mean.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • ok number one...FOLLOW YOUR HEAT...youre heart will never lie to you...your mind will try to justify the hearts needs/wants which is healthy, but your heart wnats what your heart wants!

    you family and friends are a big part of your life but they should not affect who you love or who you want to be with, afterall it will be you spending every day with them for the rest of your life...of course they want you to be happy, but truly only you know what makes you happy :)

    this guy seems very...immature, unsure of what he wants, he thinks he wants you then there's some other desire he has that maybe you're not filling? maybe its sexually? maybe its physically? I have NO idea, maybe its nothing he's just like that...

    if you do give him a chance HE NEEDS TO PROVE TO YOU TAHT THINGS WILL BE DIFFERENT...by this I mean, lets say you say f*** it I'm gonna give him a chance...you have to let him know he's in the dog house immediately...the reason for this is because you are protecting yourself from getting hurt again, you need to have him prove to you WHY THIS TIME IS DIFFERENT THAN THE OTHER 3!...THE OTHER 3! you need to make it clear that you aren't going to fall for him fast again because the other 3 times you did, the smae thing ended up happening...this is for your own emotional safety, you really need to think about this long and hard before you make any decisions...now people DO change, I have changed since my last gf, very much so...all for the better and I know if she comes back or I come across another girlfriend she will be treated a lot better than I used to treat my girlfriends, not that I traeted them badly but I took them for granted...

    look in the end the decision is up to you, people will give you their advice, opinions, etc but its UP TO YOU! only you know what would be best for you...

    like I said I'm not so sure this guy has changed, he's doing everything he did the e 3 other times, he's got to show you how he's different, that he won't put you thru the same sh*t again, he needs to consistantly do this! and like I said before do not immediately date him, he needs to prove himself to you, I can't stress that enough...tell him you need time to think about it...if he's like ok whatever screw it, then why even bother, but if he's willing to let you take time to think about it and during that time show you that he's different than hey maybe he is...but if you do let him back this is the last time, there's no way in hell you should give him antoehr after this time if you do...hell all I need from my ex is ONE chance...if she took me back she wouldn't regret it, I can prove that to her and have been, but you need to take this time to think clearly and make him prove that he wants you...

    hope I didn't ramble too much and I hope this helps

    good luck! :)

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What Guys Said 6

  • (in reply to your update) ...then stop, fighting should happen in relationships but you gotta keep it to a minimal, otherwise you'll never get out alive...maybe you should try to see someone else, or maybe you should just be single for a little...give it time, nothign happens over night, if he can't prove that he's changed through his actions then don't even bother

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  • I had a girlfriend that broke up with me once. She asked if we could stil be friends. My Answer? NO!

    I was never disappointed that I did that! Really simplified my life!

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  • this little mindf*** he is playing with you is a way to stay a challenge. If he was always available and more passive you would be less attracted to him.

    Get rid of him and find a man who is SINCERELY in to you. It's not worth the drama.

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    • What is the appeal of the "challenge"? what does he have to gain from it?

    • Well it's probably why most wars are started if want to know the truth. Woman like men who are not available, aloof or assholes. It's the "challenge" of getting which seems to prevail above all else.

  • well you already gave some of the best years of your life to a man and well sorry but now your left overs and I would save whatever bit of what you have left to offer and just be single for a long time. Kind rid yourself of the essence of that man.

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  • How old is this guy? It sounds to me he is using you as a "safety net" for his own security but he really doesn't respect you.

    I got a feeling he did more than "talk" to these other girls while you were dating.

    I know exactly how you feel though. I just got out of a 9 month on/off relationship. We broke up twice. She dumped me twice. We chalked up the first break up as "miscommunication" but the truth is deep down I suspected she just lost interest in me. Well we dated again for 6 weeks and lo and behold she found someone else. This time she confirmed she lost interest in me.

    Well yesterday is her bday and I text her "happy bday" and she responded "thanks that is so sweet" and she later said "i missed talking to you". I responded with a :) and nothing else.

    This girl is using me and I know it. But yet I feel an inclination to go back to her. Its not LOVE but challenge.

    Remember you are not in love with this guy...you are attracted to the challenge. Date someone else. Easier said than done. But it can be done.

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  • If he has worked out that he can keep doing this to you and you keep taking him back, he will keep doing it. Everytime he meets another girl he wants to have sex with he will after breaking up, etc and rinse and repeat cycle. Maybe put up with it if you really like him or offer an open relationship or move on if you aren't happy with him and his antics..

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What Girls Said 6

  • No, I would not give him another chance. He is simply breaking up to have fun with other girls and then when he is over his fun he comes back to you because he knows you will take him back. He is a very selfish, self-centered individual and if you were ever to make the mistake of marrying him you would find out just how much worse this whole scenario can get. I cannot believe how manipulative he is. Pay attention to the fact he does not listen to you, EVER.

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  • This guy is abusing you. Pure and simple. You are such a nice girl that you put up with it and it makes you miserable. I'm sure that that feeds something weird in him, but it is obviously not what you need.

    You can't trust him not to do it again and again and again if you let him. Make a clean break. Unfriend him on FB, wipe his number from your cell phone, put him on your spam list in your email and never accept calls from him again.

    Send him a letter and tell him that you are done and he is not to contact you ever again and if he does, you will get a restraining order on him.

    Getting rid of this manipulative jerk will be the best thing you ever did, believe me!

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  • If you guys keep breaking up, there are obviously some unresolved issues that need to be worked out first. I'm a firm believer that people can change, but they actually have to WANT to change and make that effort to do so. But in this case, if I were you, I wouldn't go through it with. It seems like something's just lacking in the relationship and he tries to break things off to see if he can find it with someone else. And then comes back when he's over it. If you do end up giving it another shot, I suggest you take things very very slowly.

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  • Do NOT give him another shot. No, he is NOT worth t. Firmly follow your head. Yes, he is both mentally and emotionally abusive. Your family and friends are right to hate him. YOu cannot trust him and you shouldn't trust him. He proved to you over and over again that his an immature, selfish jerk. Change your phone number and cut him off your life. Enlist friends and family to help you and support you through it.

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  • honey I've been on that same rollercoaster before myself, off and on with one guy for 15 years until I put my foot down and said enough! given my own experiences, I would say cut your losses and bail, sounds like he's put you through enough. and sometimes we might think that out family and friends not liking who we're involved with is them just meddling but they can often see things that we're too close to to see. it can be a good indicator that this person isn't the one for us. I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do :)

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  • he has shown you what he is...his pattern his way of running when things get boring or hard. If you can deal with him doing it again stay...if not don't go back because he will do it again, and it will be your fault if he does because you let him back in. Sorry its harsh, but its the truth

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