Why does it bother me that I saw my ex in tinder when I broke up with him?

My ex was emotionally abusive, condescending, passive, selfish and narcissistic. I loved him though and it was hard to leave. We dated for 2 years and he always acted like this but I thought if he could see how emotionally hurt I was, he would want to change. We had great times together and our physical relationship was perfect.
He broke up with me after 1 year because I brought some of these issues up and he did not want to listen so he shut me out for 4 months and even dated another girl for a few weeks. We initially met through tinder but were going to meet through friends anyway. I was an emotional wreck when he left because the breakup was unexpected. I redownloaded it 3 months later. I saw him and we swiped on each other and from there we dated for 8 more months.
So I end things a week ago through a phone call because he was treating me so horribly and I felt so ignored. I told him I wished the best for him and I said "you'll find someone" he replied with nothing but nice things to say about me and he said "I don't plan on dating again. I need to focus on just myself. My mom once asked if I thought about dating someone else and I told her that I couldn't see myself being with anyone but you" mind you, he has never given me any sort of indication in a long time that he saw me in his future and would say things all the time to make me feel insecure about his feelings for me. I feel like this was some sort of manipulation tactic. a day ago I redownload tinder. I just wanted to feel wanted. I was under the impression he would not be on there because of what he said. But... was surprised to find him. No telling how long after the break up he's had it. I did not swipe to get matched with him because I am done with him. I know he is not the hook up type so I know that he doesn't have it for that. He was my first love and of course feelings don't just vanish but I know being with him was not good. why did it bother me to see him on there and why does he have it?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • If he was as bad as you claim then tell us. Why does it bother you? - "Dr. Phil voice".

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Well you left him because he was a terrible partner, who hurt you and broke you down. We still love people who hurt us because we have feelings for. them and it is difficult because we fall in love wih the idea of them and not the reality of them.

    A week ago is still pretty fresh and new. You cannot expect to be cool or chill or happy this soon. Break ups take lots of time. People take at least a few months to get over something serious. You have to allow yourself time to be depressed and sad. That is part of grieving. This guy was part of your life for a long time. It is going to happen overnight.

    My best advice is get off Tinder. Tinder is toxic after a breakup. You are just rebounding instead of facing your fears and being alone for a while. You need time to find yourself again, to learn to love yourself and to heal. Jumping into anything is toxic and dangerous. You have to learn to be happy single first.

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What Guys Said 0

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What Girls Said 2

  • It bothers you because, regardless of how bad of a relationship it was, you had invested so much time and emotion in the relationship. It hurts to see those who we think cared for us as much as we cared for them move on. I know it's a sucky feeling... But it also sounds like he's officially moved on. He did sound like he was being a bit manipulative with you as he was trying to keep you guessing and on the sidelines while he played the field. The bottom line is that he obviously is no good for you. I know it's so hard to do, but you have to move on. There WILL another guy/other guys who will treat you so much better! For now, try to stay busy and focus on yourself. Go out with your friends. Find things to do that you're passionate about. You have to be patient with yourself. Time is the healer of all wounds. Best of luck to you :)

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  • Because you're being fucking petty. You left him, leave him alone and let him be happy.

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