My ex is sleeping around and its just hell at the moment?

Basically my girlfriend and I split 3 weeks ago, very sad, lots of crying, her saying she "wasn't ready" for a long term thing and she wanted to be young (she's 21). As it then turns out through mutual friends and me still being "friends" with her sisters on FB I have seen she's sleeping around a fair bit. At least 2 guys that I know of and probably more. The very idea of it is just killing me, we were so happy and she wasn't ready for a big serious relationship then fair enough, but the idea of her with these guys is shreading me apart. I can't sleep at night, I'm flitting between very angry and just 100% sad. She was always playfull in bed and yes I get she's doing nothing "wrong"... but seriously. My beautiful girl who I shared all those times with is now just out there getting as much d*** as possible... this is horrible, how the hell do I handle this?!


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Hey you. I hope this reaches you in good spirits. I understand that it would be upsetting for you to know and hear about this. The thing is, the more information you continue to compile, the worse you are going to feel. You really need to cut the lines of communcation with her family members, etc. I know this is not what you want to hear but it is a reality. You are holding on to her so you are holding onto the communication with the family. Although, the family may like you and you may like the family, while you are going through this, you are driving yourself crazy and it is just not beneficial to YOU. Often times, when people go through breakups, they search themselves for what they might have done wrong. You need to not do this. I'm sure we've all heard the line "Its not you, its me." And most of the time that line is false but in this case, it is absolutely true. I also noticed that you were between the age range of 30 to 35. Do you remember how you were at the age of 21? You were probably in college partying and drinking beer and making out with hot chicks in the closets at frat parties. Same goes for her. Keep it in the forefront of your mind that since she is only 21 years old, she is sowing her oats. And that is what she should do. I am not saying that she should sleep around. But she should be out meeting and enjoying the company of other people so that when she settles down, she can really SETTLE DOWN. Good luck, doll! Hope this helps.

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    • thank you for the comment. I'm 30, so yeah I guess on paper the gap looks bad, it never seemed it (maybe the odd TV show she'd never heard of?!)... I do get that this is her time, she didn't cheat I honestly believe. I'm not sure in the states if you got the track "Naive", by The Kooks, the lyrics are that of a guy who can't help but picture his girl with another man now that she's gone... never got it till now! thank you for your kind words... I know this will pass, wish I could skip 3 months

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What Girls Said 10

  • You move on and find yourself some new p*ssy and let her have all the new fresh penis she wants.

    Apparently being so much older than she is you were not able to push all her buttons any longer.

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  • I c this ^in two ways. After I broke it off with my boyfriend I did sleep with 2 exs. But I knew I was doing it to try to get over my ass of a boyfriend. But I still love him and feel the wY you do about him Dating again. I've been doing better was I try to be friends with him from a distance, kinda, but it sux to read his ooey gooey love statuses to his new girlfriend, a friend of mine. I regret breKing up because I love him and it hurts, but if I dnt move on then if this happens again it will be worse. I'm devestated by him, happy for my friend though I question it, and I'm a tipping balance between I love him and he loves me and him loving someone else and us both moving on/ still being close friends. It's hard but I kno it'll pay off.

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  • You should do what you can to let her go. Take a vacation or go out with some friends. There is no right way to handle something like this. You are doing what you can to be you and strong and she has no care for what you two had, if she did she would still be with you. There could also be an underlying issue. She may be having a problem inside her self and for her the best way to fix it was to sabotage her own happiness. Maybe you should remove her sister from your facebook so you can't read what's going on. It might help you sleep at night?

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    • thank you for taking the time to write a nice reply, some of the stuff people have written has just been dreadfull! I have deleted her sister and said briefly in a nice way why. Shame, but its needed. Time is making it a bit easier but I am missing the ex a lot still obviously. Thanks for taking the time to be nice! :-)

    • No problem, I have plenty of experince in relationships and understand how people feel. YOu have to be kind in order to recive kindness.

  • I'm so sorry you're going through this.

    But she does know that sleeping around with a guy will probably mean somewhat serious thing right? I mean, you wouldn't sleep a lot with a guy if you weren't being serious... I get that sex is supposed to be physical and all that for guys. But I thought this type of attitude (sleeping around within a day after breakup) was men's. Not women's. Well... at least not the non-shallow ones.

    I think the fact that she's all physical with at least 2 guys since break-up is signaling that she really was not ready for any long term thing.

    You know, considering that you're so distressed about this situation, I think you have some strong feelings for her. And if she can't even appreciate that and respect you enough to at least wait a while before sleeping around, then she never really deserved you.

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  • I'm going through this same exact thing :( except I'm 20 f and he's 22 m. This is not an easy situation to go through, but you have to remember that you had a life before this girl and that you're still able to have one without her-even if it's not what you want. Your life might've felt like it revolved around your relationship with her for awhile but it's your life. And if she tries to come back some day and says she's turned her life around and is ready for a long term relationship again, be hesitant. Don't easily accept her back, don't easily give her another chance to hurt you again.

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  • Move on...its awful but just move on.:/

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  • Did you have control issues? I am 21 and my boyfriend did not want me to drink AT ALL. It was not something he agreed with. It led to much resentment in our relationship and I craved my freedom. I love him more than anything, but I felt like I was just a child in his eyes and made me want to rebel.

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    • thanks for the comment, but no. I was trusting and not controling. if anything she got a little annoyed at time I wasn't jealous over guys trying it. I trusted her, jealousy is mistrust. if 100 guys try it but she loves me then what do I have to fear? sorry your guy was an ass, I don't think I was, I just think she wanted "to be free"... right person, wrong time maybe? just hope to god I never see her out with one of these guys, not sure if I'd just break or flip? fingers crossed I never know

  • she doesn't sound mature. best thing after a break up is to chill a bit before doing anything related to 'smoosh smoosh'

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  • You shouldn't be dating such a young woman. If you go for someone your age, you won't have to worry about these things.

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    • thanks for informing me of what I should or shouldn't do.she was/is an amazing, bright and lovely woman, I thought she was about 24 or so, she didn't act "young" (I hit 30 in sep) I also like the curious idea that women in their late 20s don't apparently sleep around either.. no recorded cases in histroy apparently?!Why exactly did you bother to comment such baseless rubbish in the first place? You must have know it to be a worhtless comment to be anonymous... hope you're having a lovely day...

  • you should ignore it. You guys broke up, as much as you hate for her to be sleeping around, it's not your business anymore. It sounds like you still care about her a lot, you should move on.

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What Guys Said 15

  • This sounds so much like my situation. I split with my girl a month ago after she moved to college. She is 21 and I 28. She wanted a LDR but within a month of being apart she said she was too busy with her new life for a LDR. I accepted this and then within weeks I hear she is seeing someone else.

    I too am confused and hurt as to how all of a sudden she has the time for a new fella. Granted he lives closer but if she really had wanted too she would've made the effort.

    Reading your post it really seems like the age gap does make a difference. When we were together everything was so natural and we shared many common interests. But I think as I've gotten older I have come to appreciate relationships more and how much harder it is to find people you really connect with. I think back when I was 21 and remember how quickly I could move on. Their is always an opportunity to meet someone new so I would fall in and out of love pretty quickly.

    I can't speak for your girl but I think she probably won't realize what she's lost or could've had as theirs probably another boy waiting round the corner. I think you summed it up when you said 'right person, wrong time'. If it's taught me anything though it's you need to find a girl who knows exactly what she wants which I guess in most instances comes with age.

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  • Well, I´m going through a similar situation right now. I´m 26 and she´s 22. We dated for 3,5 years and broke up a month ago. We decided to stay friends (big mistake), since there might be a chance for us to get back together later down the road (bad idea). So, the other night I met my ex by chance around 1am. I was going out with friends and she was going to a pharmacy. She said she was going to buy some migraine pills, but I knew she was lying. I saw her a couple days later and she admitted she had sex with a guy without protection, so she needed a morning after pill. She was apparently super drunk and just wanted to do it... When she told me that (I shouldn´t have asked) I felt so terrible. I just wanted to die then and there. The thought of another man being with her and doing all sorts of stuff... It hurt! We broke up because she just couldn´t handle being in a relationship and thinking about my happiness as well. I think she felt controlled and this was probably her way of getting over me and regain control. Anyway, this incident proved that she didn´t care all too much about my feelings or about her safety. Exactly how it was in when we were together.

    The best thing I can now do (and any other guy who just broke up for that matter) is to just your ex go. We did what we could and it wasn´t enough THIS TIME. Let her, like I let my ex, sleep around and enjoy her days. Karma is a bit*h and eventually you´ll be able to look back and think "breaking up was the best thing she ever did to me". We´ll move on. Just cut all connections and forget about her.

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  • She wanted to go off and be a slut.

    Since she wasn't ready for a long term relationship you two couldn't have been dating long.

    Thats not to say it can't hurt, but you should be taking it as a lost possibility than your love life crumbling away before you.

    Though my break up history is different from this, I will tell you one thing I found to be very powerful when dealing with ideas like this. [As it killed me too, to know that my ex was having sex with someone else]

    The question is : Why is she responsible for your happiness?

    The answer? She isn't.

    These things she does, they do not concern you, she has no bearing on weather or not you are happy and content with your life. You are in complete control of that.

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  • Look at it as a compliment. She didn't cheat on you and she isn't throwing it in your face.

    She might be out there with other guys but understand that she is probably doing this because she needs to get over you. Some people tackle their emotions head on and grieve (much like what you are doing with trying to remember good things) and others try to forget by pushing all those feelings aside. Don't worry, she will have to face it one day.

    There is nothing you can do, but work on you. Move forward and become successful. Don't lose sight of your goals and be the person you hope to love one day. Everything that has to do with her is now gone (sorry) you have to accept that it is over, what other choice do you have?

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    • you're right and as I said elsewhere I do honestly believe she didn't cheat while we were together... but the image of it in my mind... man I'd given anything to turn my brain off, if only for a few hours. the days are ticking by, I'm keeping busy with friends as much as possible, all "our" friends we're actually mine and she gone, so I shouldn't (fingers crossed) see her about. man this is tough. thanks for the comment.

    • No problem. One day at a time and try not to look back to much. Good luck.

    • Good answer

  • Women under the age of 22 are dingbats. You're trying to justify why she doesn't want to be with you when the fact of the matter is, she has no interest in you.

    That's all you need to know. Stop thinking about everything else. She is not interested in you anymore. You blew it.

    She was interested in you at first, but you didn't maintain, and you lost her. My guess is she's been sleeping with lots of guys before you even broke up.

    How to handle it? Be a man and grow a pair. Move on. Don't be such a schmuck next time.

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  • You two are in different page in life, so to speak. That's all. Unfortunately, my friend, compatibility between two people also depends on timing. You could be compatible with her personally but if her aspiration in life does not match yours then it won't work out.

    People go through stages of things in their life. Have you heard of the "mid-life-crisis" phenomenon? Chances are you have! A man in his mid 40s with secure job and kids in college starts to think about what the hell is he doing in this earth. So he venture to buy a Corvette or get in shape and compete in some athletic competition to just "find" his purpose. That's a stage in one's life. Your girl is in similar position right now. She is not ready to settle down and want to experience the world first, so to speak.

    What would you do? If I were you I would let go. I know it is easier said than done but I am not you. My sympathy goes to you, though, if it means anything...

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    • cheers mate for a solid, reasoned answer... its getting easier with time and I've not been in touch for a while obviously. some of the trash some people have written on here makes you wonder why they bother trying to "help" people... thanks for writing something nice and usefull.

  • bro she is young and I don't know but you probably are too live your life before being bogged down in a serious relationship... and maybe you should get an FWB or maybe use your hand more because it makes you a lot more calm and helps you not be as aggressive, besides that I've been there before bro trust me you gotta take the sh*t sometimes "Drink and smoke the pain away" (thats also a good way to cope)

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  • Have you ever thought this is a lucky escape? I had the same situation. When I broke up with my ex she was 24 and I was 29. I had been going out with her since she was 18. We moved to the city, she met new friends from work. Wasnt happy with the come home from work, couply thing. She saw how much fun it is to be a young person in a big city. she was envious of her single friends. She simply told me she wanted to be by herself not, not in a relationship. Devasted, out of the blue, jaw dropper. However, I was thinking of marrying this girl and buying a house. Yes, it hurt like hell, yes I cried, yes I imagined her sleeping around, and she did, yes I called her all the time, etc, But looking back,. why would I want someone who doesn't love or value me? I mean she would have wanted this single time at some point, maybe not 1 year 2 years or 5 yrs. Better to do it now, rather than when we have a house and kids. 6 months later I meet by sheer chance a wonderfull woman who shared my values and the place I was at in my life. Also extremely attractive and is my best friend. We are soon to be married. Breaking up with my ex (who actually wasn't a very nice person) (you only see that when you are out of a situation and look inwards) was the best thing that has ever happend to me.

    P.S My ex asked me too wait for her, and that when she had finished doing her single thing for (an unknown timeframe) we maybe could get back together. That comment was all I needed to say "F" off this person is not for me lol

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  • Your beautiful girl is nothing more than a run of the mill slut ...

    Ignore her ... let her get used and abused ... as much as this sucks, keep in mind, she's almost peaked ... and us as men are far from peaking .

    Let her get her d*** on and hopefully get aids ... end

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  • Once the two of you decide to break up, it is over and you need to move on.

    I had a girlfriend who broke up with me once and asked if we could still be friends. The correct answer is 'NO!'.

    You can be pollite if you see her but she shouldn't be part of your life anymore.

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    • can't agree with you there mate. Just because it doesn't work in a romantic sense doesn't mean you have to then avoid them like the plague! I do agree a gap is needed, space and time. But if they are a lovely person, it just wasn't right for whatever reason then it is perfectly possible to be friends down the line. One of my best friends is my old uni girlfriend, went out for 3 years, she's great, just not "the 1"... after a gap and distance we're good friends now. we're not 15 anymore its not

    • a matter of everything/nothing. I guess it depends on if you like the person outside of loving them if you get me. Life isn't black/white, people only pretend it is to avoid complex thought and feelings. Thanks for the comment, but I disagree with your point strongly, also, I'm not trying to be her friend right now, I'm upset at the idea/knowledge of her sleeping around... but I guess in love/hate world things like that don't matter?! It must be lovely to be able to turn stuff off like a switch

    • If it bothers you, you are not letting go as you need to. Women will frequently bitch about their ex for the rest of their lives. What is the point? It just annoys other people who don't want to hear it. If the two of you have broken it off, fine, but don't give her another thought. Get on with your life.

  • Whats wrong with you? She went from being with you to totally blowing everything you feel for her and sleeping with other guys. She's a tramp and If I were you id never take her back. She decided to ruin your relationship so let her get diseases. You need to find a girl that will be devoted 100% to you and someone with a good head on their shoulders. Think about it, you offered her a solid relationship and she threw it away. Lose her number ..and respect your self. She's off getting laid and you're home with sleepless nights. You don't need it bro.

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    • thanks for the comment, you're right in that I don't need this. can honestly say I've never had anything this tough before. hope I find the girl you're talking of one day, good luck to us both.

    • this is the right attitude to go about the problem!

  • you need to have trust in her

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  • How are things now? Better? New girl?

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  • girls that age and your age don't mix. while she thinks she wants a guy your age. because of the maturity and stuff. she said it herself. she doesn't want a committed relationship at 21. she's right, she should be having fun (im 21 myself I know what she going through). leave her alone. find someone your own age, its a little creepy in my opinion.

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  • Wow..that's rough..you need a step-by-step game plan before your girl gets a new boyfriend..get one here ==> link

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