I don't know how to communicate with my boyfriend!

[SarahJane18]

My boyfriend and I have been going out for 2 years as of December 2010. But I still haven't learned how to communicate with him. Whenever I feel uncomfortable or hurt I just bottle it up inside to the point where I am just furious at him. I don't want to talk to him about the way I feel most times because I don't want him to think that I am trying to change him or that I'm being a nag. Then when I practically have a tantrum at him he's so confused and doesn't know what he did wrong - fair enough. So how the hell do I say these things in a non-naggy, nice way so that I don't confuse him and so I don't EXPLODE!?

[selfishstars]

Well, you've already identified what the problem is. Next time you're uncomfortable or hurt, say something about it.

Good communication might not happen right away. Sometimes its a process of getting to know what works best in terms of talking and relating to each other.

To me, the key parts of good communication are:

- talking; letting the other person know what's up in a way that's clear. This means that you should take some time to think about how you're feeling, why you're feeling that way, what you would like to change or whatever/what your expectations are/what you need, etc. so that you're able to articulate that clearly to your partner. This is also part of how you differentiate between a legitimate concern and simply "nagging": sometimes we get upset about things that are unreasonable or not worth getting upset about. Think about why you're upset and are your reasons good ones.

- listening (and actually hearing and understanding each other); this means being able to put yourself in each others' shoes. Sometimes you might not feel the same way about an issue, but you try to understand it from the other person's point of view. My partner and I find that sometimes using analogies helps if you don't see eye-to-eye on the topic at hand.

- coming to an agreement/resolution; sometimes you might end up on the same page; sometimes an apology is warranted and maybe a plan of action to prevent whatever it is that upset you from happening again, or sometimes you have to admit that you were wrong for getting upset.

But---communication is a tricky thing. One person might be really good at communicating (or at least want to get really good at it), but if the other person isn't receptive, then its going to be very difficult. Like, if he doesn't see the importance of having a conversation about something, he might just see it as nagging. I guess that's the tricky part---he needs to be on the same page with you in wanting to discuss things and work them out, and wanting to know if something bothers or upsets you.

[Anonymous]

I think I am like you.

I want my guy to go shopping with me, he says no. Secretly I am mad but I just say OK. 2 hours later I am bitchin at him for something unrelated to the fact that I am mad at him for not going shopping with me.

I think next time you are mad at him, you should just avoid him for a day or two and forget why you were mad until you have mad yourself happy, then talk to him

Not sure how that will work out. but good luck

[SarahJane18]

I KNOW! omg... I can completely relate! ha ha good advice too :P ha ha thx girl.

[MrAmazing]

You need to have a talk with my ex. She has the same problem. Have the time I was with her I was confused because when she would get mad at me she would only tell me what I did that made her mad and not why what I did made her mad.

[SarahJane18]

well what did you want to hear apart from that?

[MrAmazing]

I wanted to hear exactly why what I did made her mad and how we could work something out so we both happily get what we want. Not "just don't do it".

[SarahJane18]

Yeah...I get that... I do say it but I say it too late - after I blow up. and I don't say it cool and calm I say how he hurt me and why really awkwardly... and I think he just ends up confused anyway. I just don't know how to put things simply because I use such big words to describe how I feel. (How do men want women to communicate with them?) How can I say things simply so he understands?

[MrAmazing]

I like that you use big words to describe how you feel. It helps me understand, and it conveys your emotions more accurately. You shouldn't have to dumb yourself down for him. Just don't overreact. Take some deep breaths, close your eyes for a minute, clear your mind, think about how you feel and what you want to say, and start off speaking to him slowly and quietly.

[SarahJane18]

You might not believe it, but those simple instructions really help... sometimes I panic so much my brain gets fried and I don't even know where to start. Thanks man.

[MrAmazing]

No problem ha ha I'm on this site to help and receive help, so if I'm not doing that I need to be doing something else. Good luck!