My boyfriend doesn’t communicate. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend (long distance at the moment and therefore we can only text or call) and I have been arguing lately. He hasn’t been treating me very nicely but he’s been stressed out so I’ve basically just taken a break from him at let him get on with his work (I don’t want to be the reason he doesn’t do well). I understand that when he’s stressed or even just busy with work that has to be a priority.

I waited for his exams to be finished and asked him if he was mentally ready to discuss what’s been going on with us. He said he was and he was pretty enthusiastic about it. I was thinking great I can finally get everything out and be happy. I sent one short text basically just saying “I didn’t know ____ was bothering you so much”. Asking him to elaborate on his feelings. He didn’t even read the text and is most likely gone asleep. Now if this was a one time thing I wouldn’t be mad or upset. This has happened a lot- I would say 5-6 times. Whenever I try to talk to him about something important he “falls asleep” or was too busy- even though I’ve asked him multiple times if he wants to talk right now or if he’s busy we could talk later.

I’ve tried to bring this up but he says I need to be more understanding that he has more important things to do like helping his mom with something. Ofc I’m understanding when this happens once or twice. But it’s been happening most times I need to talk to him. He is not very good at communicating and I don't know what more I can do.

Lots of people will probably just say “he has other things to deal with talk to him when he’s not busy” - I’ve tried. We go weeks without discussing our problems which makes them worse and I also forget half the things I want to mention until the happen again.

[SteveSmith1985]

So, as I was reading this, at first I was thinking... sounds like you just need to send him what you wrote here. In other words "tell him how you're feeling" or "talk to him about this" that sorta thing.

It sounds like you have done that. This leaves me a bit at a loss.

You see... this IS a totally legitimate reason for you to be upset/unhappy/frustrated with this situation. I think that generally, you might be a little bit "too understanding" of his being busy and having other commitments. I don't get to say that often.

You seem to think that you are making unreasonable demands. You are not. Most girlfriends would expect to be a higher priority. I think that's... a reasonable thing for a girl to expect.

Now, if you are actually unable to talk about serious things because he's always asleep or busy or whatever... that's obviously a huge problem. The only thing I could maybe suggest on that point would be to make a motherfucking appointment. Back him into a corner. Make him set a date and time when he agrees to be available to have this discussion (what a ridiculous thing to have to do to talk to your boyfriend!).

But honestly... I hate saying this... and I'm not even saying it. I'm merely suggesting it.

Are you sure that this relationship (from this point) continues to be 'viable'? In other words... can you see any pathway which will get you and him back to "good?". A "put your cards on the table" talk, where you tell him EXACTLY what you wrote here would usually be the solution.

If your girlfriend comes and says: more-or-less what you said here... most guys are going to change. At least make more of an effort. I cannot understand how any guy wouldn't. But this guy doesn't seem to be. So if you've said this to him... and didn't see any improvement... then I think that this might just be the wrong guy for you. sorry.

I don't see any other way out of this. He's treating you poorly. You bring it to his attention. He says "you're gonna have to deal". THAT is a cycle I don't know how to break.

If you say: "you are not able to talk about this thing we need to discuss. You're always asleep or busy. I DO totally understand that you have a lot going on... but I'm feeling (legitimately) like I'm not very important to you."

And

He doesn't seem to "hear" what you're saying... I don't really know what else you can do.

I'll tell you what I see though.

You seem like a kind, sweet girl. You are an excellent communicator. You are being MORE than reasonable in what you're asking of your boyfriend. He is simply not acting like you're very important to him. You've brought this to his attention. He doesn't seem to care. plus... this is a long-distance relationship which makes it worse.

You seem like a catch. You should find someone who sees that. I really hope you don't continue to put up with this guy treating you this way. You deserve better. Good luck 🙂

To be honest, he's treating you pretty shitty. I understand being busy. But

[Jamie05rhs]

He may have other priorities, but he doesn't see you as a priority at all. I say dump him.

[Jamie05rhs]

Thanks for the MHO.