How do you convince two people to not break up?

Question

As if I didn't have enough problems already, now I have a couple of my few remaining friends that's talking about breaking up.
I think it'd be a shame because I played matchmaker for them and things seemed to go well.
I've spent a good part of the day talking with both of them on the phone, inviting them to think about it throughly and occasionally raising my voice to make a point. Both seemed unconvinced and I said that at least I'll organize a meeting with them and try to mediate the situation.
My fiancée says that my efforts are admirable but to not bother too much with them either, but I want to try everything before declaring defeat.
What else do you suggest I can do?

Updates

+1 y

From what they told me they actually decided to give it another try, and this makes me happy for them.
However, since my fiancée and other people made me notice I got too involved with them, I'll let them do their thing and also stop inviting them around or talking with them as often as I used to.

Investigator · Accepted Answer

"I think it'd be a shame because I played matchmaker for them and things seemed to go well."

This is generally why dating within one's close friend groups is not advised. If their relationship fails, 1) your social circle will shrink because 2) they will both come to see you as a poor judge of character and compatibility, since they got together on your recommendation and that was turned out to be a bad idea. Also, of course they would go well initially; if you've just met someone and are in the beginning stages of dating, you don't yet know about all their "obvious" faults and idiosyncrasies that become painfully apparent in hindsight. Every new partner is like a new journey of wonder and possibility... until you have to wake up and realize fantasy is not reality.

"I've spent a good part of the day talking with both of them on the phone, inviting them to think about it thoroughly and occasionally raising my voice to make a point."

The fact that you are trying--and failing--to keep them together means you are in damage control mode. If they can't stand each other, then no amount of discussion is going to change the outcome. What's done is done; what remains now is to see how this affects the groups dynamics.

To answer the question given, you can't... especially since you are the reason they got together in the first place. Perhaps somebody else would be more successful, but it sounds like they simply aren't a good fit regardless.

lostin123 · Accepted Answer

To be honest I think it depends on situation! My girlfriend came back from holiday and basically I’m not so many word said we have to break up and I had to put word in her mouth because she didn’t know what she want I was always there for her and tried to talk things through but she just wasn’t bothered she made that decision on her own she say but I highly doubt it because her friends don’t know the truth I also said that to her that don’t tell to people that we were both unhappy because it’s not the truth. I don’t think she actually understands what is she doing.
I think you are a great friend and if you can talk to them both give it a try and what they will do later we’ll that’s up to them. We were together 6 years and she just called it off like that simple!

Smoke-n-Growls · Accepted Answer

Don't.

They have a right to do what they wish. You trying to "convince them" is just making you look terrible, alienating both of them, and making this worse.

You do not have any right or any grounds to involve yourself in this.

Your preference of their relationship is not important.

Offer an ear, offer a shoulder to cry on, offer to listen and to respect their process.

And see a therapist. If this isn't a huge flag for being over controlling, I don't know what is. You have zero control over others' relationships. Especially you, given your current and previous experience.

lanadelrey25 · Accepted Answer

You sound like a great friend, even being the couples counselor when needed. I think the meeting was a good idea and to definitely try that. If it still isn't working out, then I'd suggest doing nothing more. There's nothing you really can do to make two people stay in love if they just aren't in love any longer.

honestGUY45 · Answer

I don't think the defeat is yours to claim. Your getting them together didn't come with a guarantee (Unless that's what you told them), so you're not liable for their success. If two people cannot get along, then it's best they go their separate ways before things escalate to a point of regret. Staying together under the added pressure of outsiders isn't helping their relationship either.

AlienParasite · Answer

I'm sorry but... it's their relationship, not yours. It's ok to feel sad because you like them together, but you don't actually have a say in it, because you are not part of the relationship, is not your relationship despite you help it to happen.

I'm sure that they must have reasons for both to agree to breakup. And if both agree it's weird for you to try to stop them, and seems selfish to try to make them stay together when they don't want to.

Just try to be there for both of them when the breakup happens, and make clear that you are friends with the two of them and you are not willing to teka a side, if that's what worries you.

hahahmm · Answer

They know more about each other than you do & not everybody is compatible. Step back & start minding your own business unless both people ask for help.

centerline · Answer

you can't talk them into NOT doing it...

very few people are compatible for very long, and only if EACH of them is willing to drop the egos and the nit picking and find some respect for each other again, will be the ONLY way for it to continue to work out for them...

too many people lose respect and start name calling and playing the blame game, and there is usually no going back...

so let them live their life the best way they know how, which my be apart from each other, because all you can do is get in the middle and end up without either one of them as a friend... and probably be considered the "bad" guy for getting invloved... everyone likes it when you get involved as a matchmaker and it works out, but NO ONE likes it when someone gent in the middle of their arguments... because you CANNOT do it without taking one side or the other...

triff · Answer

not knowing the reasons for their break up it's not easy to understand As much as you are keen to mend the problem Sometimes it's best if they sort it out themselves You don't want to tie them into a situation where neither talks to the other one Because they are so fed up one or both cheat when they are faced with compliments Àffection and charm elsewhere All the things they would have had at the beginning So leave them alone If they separate the chances are they will miss each other and reconnect

winterfox10 · Answer

Just leave them be, Jean. You were the match maker, but it's not your responsibility to be their glue.

Ecco939 · Answer

I would say this is really not your problem to fix. You played match maker but you are making the mistake of getting too involved, especially where your pride is concerned. In the end a relationship is between the two of them and breaking up or not should be their decision. A relationship is like a garden that must be tended by two people. If one of them is not fully on board it will cause nothing but strife. You should leave it to them.

HowAwkwardToBeAlive · Answer

If they don’t want to be together anymore then let them move on. Don’t force them to stay in a situation where they aren’t happy or where they aren’t comfortable.

Gwenhwyfar · Answer

You’re doing the right thing. See how the meeting goes.

madgoat · Answer

The meeting is a good idea but if that doesn't work, I think you've done as much as you can.
You cannot hope to understand the intricate nature of their relationship from the outside, nor the intricacies of their individual personalities that build the relationship.
It may be bad timing, it may just have been a pipe dream of yours, they'll either work out their differences or they won't.

Poppykate · Answer

I have always thought that couples should give counseling together to other couples.

Account · Answer

I understand tha you want to help them, but keep out of it for your own good. It is none of your business and people tend to blame others when they have to deal with difficult situations.

grapefruit11 · Answer

I don’t think it’s really healthy to be THAT involved in a relationship that’s not yours. If they want to break up, your opinion doesn’t really matter. It’s THEIR lives. It’s not about whether you think they should be together. I understand that you’d be sad if it didn’t work out but you don’t have the right to decide for anyone else who they will spend their time with.

The_unknown_memer · Answer

I think your fiancee is right , because sometimes the best option is to break up  Do you know what they are fighting about? If it's something repairable then I guess you can try to help the.

Keyboardkat · Answer

What should you do? You don't need to do anything. You cannot run other people's lives for them! You can perhaps give advice, but that's all you can do. And you have no need to feel guilty, like you "could have done more" to keep them together! It's not your responsibility. They need to work it out for themselves, one way or the other. The most you can do is provide a shoulder.

Reesep · Answer

I'm gonna be real honest, your kinda out of moves, as a person outside the relationship you only have so much you can do, if you have already gotten them to talk and they still come to the same conclusion, valiant as what you want may be, it might not be the right thing for them, I would just support both of them as they go through this, and im really sorry, I know this isn't what you wanted to hear

DeeDeeDeVour · Answer

I used  reverse psychology  on my friends and it worked. At first, I couldn't be believe how simple it was. Regardless,  it worked .

Pummel · Answer

I would tell them "if you two break up, I'm gonna hold my breath until you guys get back together" .

I am not sure what it is that you are asking. I hate seeing couples break up over something trivial.

Anonymous · Answer

Aw I know someone like this.. he mediates his besties when they’re in a rough patch. That’s sweet of you

iseekpinetrees · Answer

Honestly stay out their business. If they dont work they dont work and should just move on with their lives and find someone else that can make them happier.

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