My marriage is falling apart, what should I do?

[Anonymous]

Okay, so my wife and I have been married for 3 years. Everything has been smooth sailing, but recently there have been some rough patches. There was this one woman who was new to my job and I had to train her, and we have become really good friends. We didn't "hang out" because I wanted to keep it straightly platonic, there were no romantic feelings involved from me and my wife knew the girl. Despite that, people still talk no matter what. My wife had heard some fake news that I was screwing her which is not true at all! My co-worker told me that it was circulating. Whoever started this rumor had to definitely be someone inside the workspace because I have never gone out with her in public. When I heard this I was pissed. I tried calling my wife about 10 times but she declined all of them. I also tried texting her but she wasn't replying. My wife is basically the no bullsh*it type and If she heard something she would definitely take it and run and not communicate. When It was my lunch break its usually my wife's lunch break too. So I drove over to her work and asked if she was in and they said that she went out and took the rest of the day off. I was fu*ked at this point. I asked if they had any idea as to where she went and but they couldn't. I went home and there she was. She looked like she was crying and she was packing all of her stuff. I tried touching her but she wouldn't let me and I tried talking to her but it turned ugly pretty fast. I told her that I didn't f*uck her and I would never even consider doing so and she told me that the girl told her. She took both her wedding ring and engagement ring off and threw them down and left. I tried to stop her but she didn't stay. It hurts that she took her rings off and believed someone else rather than her own husband (Look at the updates down below for the rest of the story because I don't have enough words)

Updates

1 y

I love my wife so much it hurts me to this day (It happened to days ago). She isn't returning my texts or calls and I went to her friend's house to talk to her but she doesn't want to. I tried talking to the girl who started this crap and she said all along she thought I liked her because I was the only guy who treated her nicely and I had to choose between her or my wife and the reason she told my wife is that she knew my wife would believe it. This whole thing is messed up what should I do?

[AmandaYVR]

So unless you haven't been completely honest about everything you said... your wife has trust issues and a history of jealousy and acting impulsively and with emotion not logic.
I don't know what you should do. She might not even pick up the phone, no matter how much you contact her. But do you have anything to lose by doing so? I think you should probably text her, write a thoughtful and well-composed letter via email, and make it crystal clear to her, exactly what the situation is.
It all hinges on this co-worker and how awful and destructive she is.
But it also sounds like your wife is always looking for signs of some lack of loyalty on your part, that does not exist.
Another strategy you could try is to get in contact with those close to her - a mother, a best friend. You need to plead your case, and apparently you have no guilt here whatsoever, so all you have to do is be honest and be convincing. Then if they believe you, they will help you. They should want her to be happy, and there are people who self-sabotage and throw away perfectly good relationships, all because of insecurity and trauma. If it wasn't you, it'd be some other guy that she would be running away from. She needs to be reminded that no one is perfect, you know that, but you want to be with her, and leaving you and starting over won't fix this situation. Because you did not betray her. Runners are fearful of pain. Express how much you love her, and why. Be specific. At the root is her mistrust. But you have a clean conscience, so the words should flow freely. The answer lies in your honesty, and her regulating herself to come to a place of logic, not panic.

[AmandaYVR]

Oh and this woman must confess what she did to your wife. It’s her duty as a fellow woman to be honest.
She deserves your wife’s anger, not you.

[Asker]

Thank you for this! I'm just getting to this... but luckily I've done what you said already. When she didn't want to talk, and I gave her some space... I contacted her mother and she told her mother everything. I made it clear that I would never do such a thing to her because I love her so much and I would never even consider it. Her mother ensured that she didn't believe I would ever cheat. Her mother then begins to tell me about my wife's past and pain and what she has been through which I already knew. See, I never and would never but my wife through the same bull crap that another boy has put her through. Prior to writing some letters, because She blocked me on everything, which is something I know she did, I didn't give her the rings back because that was the only thing left that reminded me of her minus the pictures. I want to keep something that connects us. I flew her mother out as both a surprise and so that she can convince her, so we could talk. She did and I picked her up and I carried her to an empty beach because It's her favorite place to go, and It's tranquil. I could've still seen the pain in her eyes which made me hurt and she seemed hesitant to be around me. I first asked her how she's been because I haven't seen her in days and I genuinely wanted to know and to take things slowly... and then I told her everything. We talked and we decided to get back together and start slow. I want her to heal from both this and her past because I didn't know how much it has affected her. I've always been patient gentle and with her before this incident, but now I'm ready to be 100x that. However, you seem to know more about this stuff like marriage, etc... can I dm you on more ways I can get the marriage back to how it was? not that I mind that we're taking things one step at a time... but like extra things I can do? I have some ideas I want to pitch.

[AmandaYVR]

Oh that's great, I'm so glad to hear it.
Yes you can dm me. When you do, please include a link to your q here so that I can refresh my memory of what we've discussed.
I hate to see all the negativity here and people so often saying "just give up." That's not how life works. No one is perfect, we have to work with others to help them become better and happier (and vice versa.) Good for you for the effort, and for even more dedication to further effort. That's how you stay married.

[Asker]

It says that I have to be Xper 2+ to message you, so I'm gonna say it here. Like I said to someone in the comments... my wife seems like she doesn't trust me and I don't and didn't blame her, but I blamed her past. When we first met, we didn't really become friends. I wasn't in a relationship for 5 years and I was a celibate. I don't believe in love at first sight but when I saw her I notice she was different. I remember when I first saw her I just stayed there and admired her beauty from afar. She is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I'm not saying that because she's my wife... even before I met her I felt this way. I sat there and just admired her. I admired her body language and how she talked and walked everything. During the trip I noticed something. I noticed how different she was from any other girls I've dated. I'm not comparing my wife to my past girlfriends.. but I noticed this was the type of woman I always wanted. She was hard to talk to and It was difficult for her to open up to me... but when we became friends I saw a different side of her. I didn't see the hard intimidating exterior anymore... I saw the real her. So I just wanted to give a back story. I always do nice things for my wife to show her that I care, love, and appreciate her. I still send her flowers, I send lunch to her work, I tell her all the time that I appreciate her... I'm still gentle, tender, and patient with her... I always try to show her my love and make her feel loved because there is a difference between showing it and saying it and it's all reciprocated from here which I love. So are there any more suggestions?

[Asker]

The trip I had to cut because It was too long was just a trip we had gone on with some of our friends before we were friends and met. A suggestions I have are maybe constant reassurance... I give her reassurance... but how about reassurance when she doesn't ask?

[On_cloud_wine]

Who started the rumor? First you said your wife was told you slept with the lady, then you changed the rumor that your wife was told that you were the only one nice to this new employee and that you liked her

[Wester1967]

Dude. That is hellish. If I were you, I would keep it 100% straight. I'd let her go. I'd apologize and tell her that nothing happened. And sorry that it turned out this way. Let her walk out. After that, I'd keep my business tight. Don't mess around with any other girl. I'd even consider quitting the job and finding another one in another place with different people. Don't push it with your wife. Just let her go. Be honest about everything. All cards on the table. And straight up. That's the best you can do. If she comes back, she comes back. Leave the door open. Who knows. Maybe she was looking for an excuse to bolt. No telling. Any way. Just be transparent and honest and do not even make any sort of round about attempt to give anyone any reason to look at you sideways. I'd also inform the boss and human resources that your co workers are in to some high school level BS that has messed up your personal life. On that end, I'd take zero prisoners. Good luck

[Asker]

Thanks for the response. I'm definitely giving her some space, and I'm allowing myself some space too, and not messing with any other girl. I haven't been to work since the incident took place because we closed during the holidays, but it's reopening up after New years so I'm definitely reporting that girl! My wife has always been the type to leave easily like that. Sometimes, it seems like she never trusted me. Like she would ask me "Who was that?" (If it was a female voice pertaining to business). This one time I was texting my friends and I was smiling because they had some throwback pics from when we were in college, and as I was about to show her she said "Ohh looks like someone ones texting (The girl name). Due to her past trauma, I guess that's what she expected and just left and I always blamed it on her trauma. If she sends divorce papers my way, what should I do? one of the requirements for divorce where I'm from is living apart for a certain amount of time, and what if we don't make it up by then? I love her and I really don't want a divorce

[jasco]

Honestly bud theirs nothing you can do. your wife doesn't believe you, she's not coming back. I guess you should give her some time, quit your current job and find a different one and make sure that the next time your training a girl, make sure you tell her you aren't interested. I am sorry that happen to you, cause you seem like a good guy. I wish ya luck man I do