Do you guys think I was wrong and selfish for my decision to finally leave him?

[Anonymous]

I have been in a on and off abusive relationship with my now ex boyfriend for two years. Each time he swore he changed he went right back to being violent toward me so in other words he constantly manipulated me and lied. These past few months were no different. He hit me, I left for a while, he got inside my head and talked me into not losing hope In him and our relationship and to give him another chance and to be fair he did seem to actually attempt to change this time. Before breaking up and ending things today for good, he hadn’t hit me in months but he would constantly throw it in my face. Whenever I told him I still felt hesitation when it came to still being with him because although he hasn’t hit me, there was still a thought in my mind of “How long will that last?” Not to mention I still have never healed from the past from when he has hit me because of that I’ve lost complete happiness. Nothing can seem to make me happy anymore. Not my family, friends, my job and definitely not the person who caused me to be this way. I’ve become depressed, fuller with anxiety and sometimes even suicidal. It’s like one day at a time for me. All this is because of the traumatic memories and I just couldn’t do it anymore and I told him exactly what I’m saying in this post and his response was “I changed for you little girl. You’re not gonna play with my heart and give up on me.” Then he threatened to kill himself by saying “I guess the only way you’ll gain feelings for me again is if I die right? I guess that’s what I’ll do.” I hate to hear that but I had to block him and now I have to attempt to move on and get better but he made me feel horrible about the decision even though it’s for the sake of my mental health.

[Anonymous]

He may have stopped physically abusing you but he’s still manipulating you mentally. You absolutely did the right thing by leaving him and you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m proud of you for sticking up for yourself and finally making the decision to leave him, you’re doing great!

[Asker]

I had to do something. I feel like I lost all emotion. I don’t feel happiness, sadness, joy etc I just feel empty. I appreciate that he attempted to change and with more months to even a year he possibly could have officially said he did but at the same time I couldn’t continue to skate on thin ice hoping that. That’s not a for sure statement but more so a “as far as I can see” statement which was/is risky for me. As far as I can see on the outside he’s changed but he could have been mentally manipulating me to think he’s changed to get me to let my guard down. So many what ifs and I just couldn’t go on like that and I truly do love him and care for him and I hope that one day he truly does learn to control his anger for future relationships and himself before he gets himself hurt one day. But I suppose love just wasn’t enough. With all the trauma he caused and the memories of it, I rarely sleep, I don’t eat as I should, I have anxiety, I stress and worry and as I said I just feel emotionless and being with the person who triggered this, wasn’t gonna make it better. I just hope I heal with time and gain a feeling of being alive again.

[Opinion Owner]

Don’t worry you will heal, it might take a while but you definitely will. You’re already taking the first big step towards healing by leaving him, staying with him is only gonna take a toll on your mental health more than it already did… I’ve been in your shoes before so I kinda get how you feel - you still have hope that he’s actually changed but no one changes that quick.

It’s best that you go your separate ways for now, maybe in the future if you can see that he’s legit actually changed then you can consider trying again but don’t wait around for him. Someone better will come along :)

[Asker]

And after all this, he showed up to my job. I saw him after I clocked out. He called my name and with him knowing me and how I am he knew regardless of me not wanting to be with him that I still love him and wouldn’t do anything to embarrass him and hurt him so long story short I responded to him. He talked me into letting him take me to breakfast and treated me to a mani and pedi. Which I appreciated but I explained to him that it didn’t change anything and his response was “So what do you want me to do? You’re the only person I talk to and that I trust with my heart.” And once again he made it about him. Luckily he let me leave but somehow I’m the one that feels like I hurt him rather than me feeling like I left him because of the hurt he caused me in the past (which is the truth) and he is sort of continuing to hurt me with refusing to not let me go. His words were literally “I put my heart into you little girl. I’m not just gonna give up on us.” And he doesn’t understand that’s only gonna push me away more because it’s making my decision tougher than I need it to be.

[Opinion Owner]

Omg I'm terrified for you, he showed up at your job and is basically stalking you to win you over by love bombing you? I think he's still manipulating you by guilt tripping you (saying you're the only one that owns his heart blablabla - if this was true then why would he abuse you). And you're completely on point, he still made it all about you. Has he ever apologized or asked you about your feelings about him and the whole relationship?