Is it considered cheating to still text your ex, but hide it from your SO?

[Anonymous]

Updates

1 y

LEMME UPDATE y'all AND CLARIFY THAT I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT MYSELF.

[Anonymous]

Does the ex know your with someone else? That’s a big part of this. If it’s for business purposes or some other non romantic reason than probably not.

However if it’s a “friendly” that teetering into risky territory.

Some people believe that after break ups than it’s best to 100% remove someone from your life. I guess if someone cheated, was abusive, etc. that’s obviously the best course of action.

But in other cases people sometimes break up for sad reasons (growing apart, non compatibility, etc). In those situations it’s rather cruel to completely cut someone out. It was done to me years ago and it really devastated me. But I later found out SHE was the f*cking chéater so her unilateral decision made more sense as shitty as it was.

Anyway 1) you should tell your ex your seeing someone else but you wish them well 2) let your boyfriend/girlfriend know. Tell them it was short conversation.
If you don’t do that its disrespectful to the person your dating. If they find out they will likely be pissed.

[Bradley81]

Depends, texting about something that is common interest and platonic like a kid or owning something together.. sure.

[007kingifrit]

but she said she's hiding it. so you're 100% wrong. it is cheating

[Kkstarzz96]

You should have no reason to contact your ex while you're in a relationship, and in the rare bizarre case I had many years ago, where he was under investigation for something and I was called to testify, and he and I talked again, yes, sadly, it ended up in cheating. Its awful that adult situations force you to see each other again. Where as when you're kids and you guys change schools or don't have classes with your significant other, you never see each other. The world of dating is backwards. The most intense love of your life comes when you're too stupid to know it. The most mundane relationship comes when you're wiser but now you're together cause it makes sense, not cause you have passion.

[globetrotter22]

Hey was “under investigation” for something? Sounds like you just couldn’t resist the bad boy right? To the point of cheating on your boyfriend with him? And women claim they don’t like assholes smdh.

[Kkstarzz96]

It's a longer story than necessary the point is I wasn't looking for him he put me my name down as a witness

[SnakeBoop]

if you hide it, abso-fucking-lutely.

[shadowarrior99]

100 percent

[OlderAndWiser]

Why do you need to hide it from your SO?

[GoodManDave]

Sort of. I mean if you initiate, if it’s romantic or sexting, then yes. If the ex initiates, but you keep it going in a sexual or romantic way, then yes, it’s still cheating, even if it’s not physical.


If you initiate, but it’s some “old business,” like you need something back from them (sweater, a pet, etc), or you have kids together or there was some tragedy or something like that, no, it’s not cheating.


Assuming your not sniffing around the ex or leading them on, assuming that it’s all innocent … It IS a bit weird that you would hide it from the current guy.

[Moose304]

This can be better stated as a boundary question. Let me ask this question in a better way. Is it crossing an established boundary if I make ANY contact with an ex that my new partner doesn't know about? Now before people start getting their panties all in a bunch let's break this down. If you are in a relationship with a partner that is not comfortable with you maintaining contact with an ex, you should respect that boundary OR break off the relationship. To do otherwise is cheating. A friends with benefits has a son who is in his mid-20s and recently got married. He has an ex-GF that keeps on texting him. There is more to this story that I can't get into. He can't block her or change his phone number. His wife is not comfortable with the contact. In his case, it's not cheating because he is doing his best to stop the texting and lets his SO know when it happens. Not respecting boundaries is a serious sin in a relationship that in most situations guts it.

[loveslongnails]

There's no good reason to hide if it involves children, or support or anything like that. If you're still on a friendly basis and it's just conversation, your current s. o. should know that, and be ok with it. If that's all it is and your current girlfriend or boyfriend has an issue with it, that's a whole different problem. But if you're hiding something, that means you know it's wrong. Is it cheating? Not sexually probably. Emotionally or mentally - not necessarily either, but it's not being trustworthy or honest, that's for sure.

[peedy]

It may not be cheating but be inappropriate and the fact you're hiding it shows someone is uncomfortable with it
If there was a legitimate reason for communication there shouldn't be an issue but if you're just talking about every day irrelevant subjects that maybe you should be discussing with your current boyfriend instead of your ex, that could lead into problems
And a good healthy relationship is based in trust so if you are hiding things it starts eating away at that trust and will eventually destroy it

[peedy]

PS) trust in someone starts with being honest with yourself

[Mikeysoda]

Absolutely, in my opinion, anything you do that you, feel the need to, hide from your significant other and actually hide it, is cheating. The question is, if you didn't think it was wrong, why are you hiding it? If it was the right thing to do, would you hide it?

[MentorMan]

There’re really only one two people who can answer that meaningfully, you and your SO.

If you feel like it’s cheating, then it is. If SO feels like it’s cheating, then it is. If neither of you do, then no need to hide it. You may find with some open communication that you SO is ok with continued comms with your ex under certain conditions meaningful to them. Then you’ll know, and won’t be operating under the guise of secrecy. Or SO may not be ok with it at all. In the latter case you’ll need to be ok with “cheating” on SO, cutting it off with ex, or cutting it off with SO.

[Chlo3_2001]

If it hurts the trust and emotions of your partner and you go out of your way to hide it and have some guilt doing it then it's quite obvious one would be in the wrong doing it and shouldn't. Texting an ex and maintaining friendly civilities is fine, I think some healthy connections can still co-exist after a relationship, but if you have to hide that from your partner I'd definitely consider it to be unfaithful.

[integrale77]

If the topic of conversation isn't something your SO would be angry about there is nothing wrong with chatting it's the hiding the conversation that's sketchy.

It's best at least saying there is a conversation should start straightening things out and being willing to share the messages.

[Jabberjaw]

Assuming you didn't make a big deal out of them contacting their EX or did something to leave to them feeling as if they have to hide it.

Then yes I would consider it cheating. Because you've been open and accepting they have friends/a life/a past but they for some reason still felt a need to hide it. That's redflag behavior

[Aerissa_Jade]

Cheating is situational, hiding it either means someone is worried about getting caught OR would be embarrassed even if it wouldn't cause problems.

It may or may not be, depending on the conversations and what the other side thinks. If they are okay with trying to stay friends or if they want them out and over.

[Nawlins34]

If it wasn't defined as cheating at the beginning of the relationship when boundaries were set going forward, then it isn't cheating.

It lives in the gray area of not having that conversation.

That said, they are guilty of hiding and stealing time from the relationship. Hiding requires intent, I'd drop this person.

[DaySpring]

First we need to address the fact that it is insincere before we even begin to talk about "is it considered cheating"

Cheating isn't getting to the root; lack of developed character/personality traits is the root because that very thing leads to cheating and almost everything else that ruins a relationship.

[xHoneyxBeex]

Someone who does that may not have physically cheated but they are well on their way. At most, it's emotional cheating though and at the very least, it's still deceitful and wrong. If someone feels the need to hide things from their significant other, it's a huge red flag and concerning behavior.

[SolitarySolace]

I'd consider that cheating, yes. Because, wtf would you and your ex need to be discussing? One of you obviously wishes things didn't turn out the way they did and the other could easily be swayed to come back. And if you're already involved with someone new, that would be cheating. Even the thought of considering getting back with your ex is cheating. There are at too many ways a person can cheat these days because of technology.

[BruceJender]

Cheating is defined as breaking a promise made to (someone, such as one's wife or husband) by having sex with someone else.

Therefore I wouldn't consider it cheating.

However it is incredibly dishonest and deceitful to hide the fact that you're in touch with an ex.

[Alistar88]

It depends on so many different things. Is that person flirting? Is the ex flirting and the person you are with not setting up boundaries? Would you flip out knowing they are talking even if it was innocent? Too little of info to go on really.

[ShakTreblat]

Texting your ex isn’t really cheating by itself. But the fact that you feel like you have to hide it seems pretty suspect.


If you feel like you have to hide your relationships then you probably shouldn’t be in those relationships.

[LingyRolls]

Yes it is. I say this as a wife with a husband and a male friends with benefits. If you're doing stuff secretly that you hide from your SO then it's cheating. It's betrayel.

[Agagagagaga]

What’s what you’re doing called? Is it swinging? An open relationship or poly or whatever? I feel like there’s four or five different terms but don’t know which is appropriate.

[JustinTheGreat]

I don’t want to say it’s necessarily cheating bc you guys might not even be flirting and texting as friends
But to hide that from your SO is just as bad as cheating tbh