I told my ex I would never contact her again and it’s been 4 years. But I’m thinking of her lately?

[Anonymous]

I wrote my ex a final email 4 years ago where I was honest about a lot things I wanted closure on. Told her how I screwed up, told her about how deeply she hurt me with some of things she did & said and ended by forgiving her and promising never to contact her again. I’ve obeyed my promise.

But I’m thinking about her lately. She wasn’t my most recent ex but she was definitely the one who got away. I’m tempted to message her to see how’s she’s been

Updates

1 y

I am not going to contact her. It’s a riddle that I’ll never get to solve on all of this. This shit just haunts me though.

[BCRanger10]

If the last thing you told her was how badly she hurt you, I think you should keep your distance then. Something about that tells me that she'll think she can get away with murder with you. Either that or she will be the one who's found the closure.

[Asker]

No the last thing I told her was I forgave her and I wanted the best for her future.

[Anonymous]

You ended that situation with such finality that you cannot go back, especially after 4 years. Besides, ex’s are ex’s for a reason; don’t forget that just because you’re feeling lonely.

[Asker]

This is easier said than done. But I know what you are saying.

[Opinion Owner]

That’s definitely true, and I wouldn’t take away from the fact that restraining yourself can be hard. But it is doable, and in this case I think it’s the best route.

[Asker]

It’s not really about being lonely. It’s about wanting to her to acknowledge a few things. We can’t change the past but we can reconcile it.

I deduced what most likely happened is she cheated on me and had to see me as less than human to feel better.

[Opinion Owner]

If you’re right and she did cheat, then why would you even want to reconcile that relationship? Especially when you add that she had to see as less than human to feel better? You’d never be able to fully trust her and as a very grown adult, those tendencies or desires that caused her to cheat aren’t going anywhere. On top of all that, it’s been a long time, 4 years too long. Any closure and conversation you wanted to have, is something you should’ve done in the past. I’m not sure if she responded to your letter, but if she wanted to then that was her opportunity. I also believe she would’ve fought for the relationship if that was her desire, and the fact that she didn’t says a lot.

[Asker]

It’s not about reconciliation. It’s not about getting back together. It’s about closure. What she said to me at the end was one of the worst insults I’ve ever taken from a woman in my life.

[Asker]

It’s complicated but I tried to start a dialogue with her after we broke up with her. End goal was to get to the meat of what she said/did. Although she did respond to my messages back then she was real curt and short. Email was about finally speaking my mind. There wasn’t any other way to do that.

Women can call up guys and sometimes even yell at them after break ups. Men don’t have that luxury because we are “threatening”.

[Opinion Owner]

Got it, I only asked the question about reconciliation because you mentioned the word, but if that isn’t your intent then all the better. Usually when women are calling to yell at their ex’s about breakups (which really shouldn’t happen unless there are some serious grounds for it), it isn’t 4 years later. In fact for women, once we end the relationship for good then we don’t circle back, mostly because to get to that point, we’ve already exhausted all our efforts and now it’s time to just be done. I’m not sure what all went down with you and your ex, and of course if she was vile to you then that sucks a lot. But it’s just been too long. You said you were going to leave her alone, and have some a good job at keeping that promise, so there’s no need to break it now. Maybe find closure on you own, whether it’s with therapy or some other form of venting, like keeping a journal or a physical hobby. Leave all your hurt and negative feelings where they belong, which is in the past. Heal from it so you can be done with these feelings, rather than wanting to circle back and open up old wounds.

[Asker]

There are a lot more complexities to this than I can write on GAG. And yes I did write “reconcile” twice. I guess I meant reconciling a harm that was done in the past but that doesn’t mean getting back together. That would be near imposible for multiple reasons anyways.

If she acknowledged her bs I wouldn’t take that as a green light to go back. But it would of helped me heal. I actually knew the relationship wasn’t going to last but how she acted in the end completely blindsided me. She knew what she was doing to. She knew me very well.

Anyway chanced are Im not going to message her. But it’s that hope of a snowballs chance in hell she might finally engage in a conversation about what happened. But that would mean she would probably have to confess she cheated. And she wants to convince herself that bs was “justified”.

[Asker]

Anyway I wish I could just have a lobotomy to forget all the bs. Never had some build me up as much as she did only to be completely disavowed.

[Opinion Owner]

I get you man, as I too have an ex in my past where I wish I’d gotten closure, and it took a long time to move on from. But maybe it’s time for you to accept the situation in a real way, find some methods of healing that you haven’t tried before, and do the work to move on from this. Four years is a lifetime, and surely a lot has happened in her world. A message from you reopening that old wound could be very upsetting, especially if she’s had no intention of ever talking to you again, as she hasn’t contacted you in this time. On top of that, it’s like if she didn’t care to give you closure when she had the chance, or in all this time since, then you probably wouldn’t get it now.

[Asker]

Yes this is all accurate. Actually I knew the right answer before I even asked this question.

[Asker]

Thanks for your feedback by the way. I’ve had plenty of other heartbreaks in my life.

But there something about this one in particular than haunted me for a very long time. Truth is I’m rarely taken by complete surprise by women (gut warns me). But with her I was just absolutely blindsided.

[Opinion Owner]

No worries, I know this sort of stuff can be tough so I’m sorry you have to go through it. Maybe it would be good coming to terms with what she’s done, if you haven’t already. Surely it was some messed up shit for you to still be dealing with it the way you are, but I also think you’ve been hanging on to it too, making it harder to let go and move on. Even if you can’t have that talk and tell her, you should forgive her. That forgiveness would have absolutely nothing to do with her, but it’s for you so you can close that chapter for good.

[Asker]

I did forgive her for what she said. But when I deduced about a year ago (long story) that most probable reason she treated me the way she did is because she f*cking cheated…. that really got to me. Her behavior at the end was near inexplicable. She treated me as if I was the cheater (and I didn’t).

Anyway I just had to spill that out. This one has been a monkey on my back for years.

[Opinion Owner]

As you probably already know, usually when someone is vehemently accusing you of cheating, it’s because they are doing it themselves. If she did then that’s pretty shitty of her, even more shitty that she exerted all that terrible behavior to the point that it has stuck with you for so long. But honestly, none of that matters anymore. Trust me I’m not saying this in a dismissive way, I mean I didn’t suspect my ex of cheating on me either but not only was he cheating, I had to find out in a very stumble upon way, and never got an explanation or apology, just broken up with. People can be absolute pieces of trash and really pulverize you emotionally. But after we make the choice to heal and let go of what they’ve done to us, we give ourselves the biggest reward ever and that is taking away the power they have in our lives. Like with your ex, she’s probably moved on, maybe in a relationship and doing her thing. Yet she also gets to keep you in an emotional chokehold for years without even trying, and to me that’s just far too much power for anyone to have in your life. Time to take back your power.

[Asker]

There is still more to all of this. She started making friends with the wrong crowd at the end.

Also I never had a woman for an entire year tell virtually all the time how wonderful I was, how lucky she was, how happy she was, how jealous her friends are, how big my D was (had to throw a little humor in but she did say that more then once), how her and I were very similar, etc. Not to the extent she did. Never in my life.

[Opinion Owner]

Well hey, if you are that much of a catch then it should be even more confirmation for you that it is her loss, not yours. If she did cheat then that is just her being a typical person who takes what they had for granted, or can’t help thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. Always seeking more, or seeking “better” and ultimately never getting that, which would be her karma.

[Asker]

It’s still more complex then this.

Do you know i had a different ex completely ghost me after dating for 9 months after a minor argument? As much as that sucked a part of me knew that wasn’t impossible. She was much younger and immature at times. I got over that one much quicker and I mostly forgot about her after a few months. But with this one was different. Very different.

[On_cloud_wine]

Hey please message me.

[slatyb]

Don't do it.

[Asker]

I know I’m not going to do it. It’s easier said than done though.