Low sex drive after a break up?

Question

Me and my ex broke up almost 3 years ago and since then my sex drive has been very very low. I had hooks up and even some shorter relationships but I could never feel like I actually wanted the guy. Last time I felt like I wanted to rip a guys clothes off and have sex with him was when I with my ex and I haven't been able to recover that feeling since. I know I was in love in with my ex and the break up did mess me up emotionally. In fact, I still can't reflect on our relationship without feeling a lump in my throat. However, I also moved on in many ways, I no longer believe that we will end up together and I learned that he is a bad person. Still I want my old self back and don't know how to fix what is broken. Anyone experienced something similar? If so how long did it take to get back to being you? Also any tips for making it happen sooner rather than later? Thanks!

Weapon77 · Accepted Answer

I'm a psychologist but not a counselor, so while I'll explain what's going on, I might not be as delicate as I could be. Unfortunately, it sounds like you made the very common mistake of trying to move on too quickly. U like men, women compare every sexual partner to the last one (how it felt), so the more partners women have, the more disappointed they are with the next one typically. It's a strange phenomenon.

I'm not sure why you had the hookups since there are several reasons someone might, and you haven't said why, but those are most likely the cause of low sex drive. Ypu keep comparing every time to your ex. Hookups can actually cause low sex drive, emotuonal problems, or even sex addiction on their own, but it's worse when one hasn't fully recovered from a previous relationship.

It's too late for this now, obviously, but it seems you should've stayed single and not had any dates or hookups or anything for a long while after your breakup. It's so sad to me when people will not properly mourn for a few months. There is NO rush to get into something new. A big clue is that you said you accept that you and him will not end up together, which means that during some or all of your hookups, you still believed you would end up together. And that means that you should have not jad sex with anyone at all from the time you broke up with him until the time of asking this question AT LEAST. Who knows, you might have needed even longer to heal. It is very damaging to people to have sex with some people while being in love with/still hung up on another person. Contrary to popular belief, getting "under" new people DOES NOT help you get over the last one--and usually just makes it harder because you constsntly compare the new people to the last person.

It's too late for that now, but do not dwell on it. Learn from the mistake and please at least consider my advice. Stay single and do not go out on dates or hookups or anything like that at all for at least a month from today, and then continue until you find someone who feels like you could love them. If it doens't happen, you aren't ready yet emotionally. Only you can know if it feels right. Then test to see if you have any remaining residual feelings for your ex since you don't want that messing things up with the new guy. If all feelings are gone, you can proceed as you like, but if some remain, you'll need to be honest to the new guy about that and not have sex with him. Sex at such a point would ruin everything if it doesn't feel perfect. Hopefully the more you get to know him WITHOUT sex, you'll be able to forge a genuine connection that will translate into a good physical relationship later. The key at this point is not to rush things because this might not happen for up to a year from now, and you need to be ok with that. You cannot rush things like this.

Andres77 · Accepted Answer

When you find someone with whom the chemistry just works out.

Very simplistic answer. I've had many relationships but when the right one comes along the pieces just seem to fall into place. The intricacies of humor and sarcasm and clever witty dialogue just click. No one else got my jokes before and she gets them before I finish setting up the scenario kind of thing. What another might have taken as offensive she knows was just a whimsical question so it's ok... not a fight.

I've been with her, married for 19 years. I struggled through many, was divorced twice by 23. Had many girlfriend and lots of hookups. So did she. She and I just clicked from day 1. She's like a female version of me... kinda scary but SO fun. If I had a raunchy idea I'd avoid it because it always started a fight because others would think me a pervert... she'd say "you know what would be so hot right now? X, Y and Z" and I couldn't believe my ears. That's chemistry, in my opinion.

So, back to the oversimplified response, when the right guy comes around it will all fit.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

Good luck.

Guardian45 · Answer

I suffered as you do. It's common and natural, like the 5 stages of death. Each person moves through each step at a different pace depending on the depth of your connection. One of my exes took 10 years to recover from. But you can also speed up the recovery by living a healthy lifestyle in diet exercise and sleep AND forcing yourself to meet people and do things. It can ve anywhere doing anything. Get dressed up and go! Day hikes or rides, grocery shopping, outdoor events or outdoor events. If you want to push yourself, then talk to one new person per day, or make one new friend per day.

Bklynbadboy12 · Answer

The reason why you can't have those feelings for another guy is because you're not over him yet. You said it yourself you can't think about him without that lump in your throat. Give yourself time and you be fine. I just have one question why did you to breakup