Pulling away after sex?

[Jupiter030920]

Met a guy last weekend. He is someone I knew through my kids but never talked to. It was instant chemistry. He wanted to see me twice during the week. He was very affectionate and flirty and fun. Told me many times he couldn’t stop thinking about me. We had many lengthy discussions about relationships and what we are looking for. We both agreed that we hadn’t felt this way in a long time. He talked about me meeting his family and dog and told all his friends and family about me. He was obviously completely crazy about me. He came over Friday night and we ended up having sex 3 times. He stayed over and cuddled with me and held my hand for most of the night. In the morning he gave me a long hard kiss and nice hug before he left. Told me he’d text me when he got home and throughout the day. Part of our discussions centered around ghosting and he even said he’d be devastated if I ghosted him after sleeping with him. But he’s been a little distant since then. Not as friendly or flirty. No talk of missing me like he did last week or seeing me again. He answers me right away and doesn’t ignore me but something just feels off. This was my first potential relationship since being married. I’ve had plenty of hookups with guys that you don’t hear from as often, but we both agreed that wasn’t what we were looking for. So I’m curious, is this normal? I’ve heard guys sometimes pull away after sex. He just seemed very clingy and needy before. What should I do? Just play it cool and not text him? I’m afraid he may perceive that as ghosting or a lack of interest. I really like this guy a lot. Help!

[Kkstarzz96]

I wish I could tell you what I've known to work in your favor, but, the truth is, guys change after sex. not even sex, just knowing what you look like naked. I think guys don't think the connection gets any deeper than sex or giving him a boner on purpose. women know there is more to life to experience after having physical intimacy, but I think guys don't believe in it, or found it takes a lot longer to get to the point, and don't have the patience for it unless there is something on the other side of it that he wants. which I hate to say it, but i think thats why our elders told us as young girls, you don't, give yourself up, for a man, who wouldn't give himself up also. for us it's our vagina and for them it's the heart. if we had a way to rip his heart out of his chest without him dying and keeping it to ourselves so he'd have to chase us to get it back, we would. and it's okay to want sex with men, I know I do, but if you don't know why you're doing it other than you want to, then everyone involved is allowed to do what they want afterwards, it was decided on pleasure and desire, not intention and planning. he is free to go, and reading the comments, I don't doubt he does this as a coach to the moms, unfortunately. if he does go out with you again and means what he said, consider yourself lucky. if he doesn't, he is used to getting his way and not following through, and you didn't do anything wrong, but you took his word for it, and with guys, even my own dad, I cannot trust what he says as a promise. he has to put in the work and when they don't, why would they if they didn't have to previously? I used to get boyfriends all the time, now I have to actually prove I'm worth the investment? yes. being someone's boyfriend means I get to sleep with her as much as i want and when I'm bored ill be distant and she'll break up with me and i can move on. now, in my 20s, boys know they don't have to ask, so how do I get them to ask and mean it? I have to pick one guy i think is a good one for me, and get to know him like a person and not for how he makes me feel. of course be affectionate but taking off your pants is more than affection, its a sacrifice for what could have been had you developed a deeper connection first.

[Jupiter030920]

Agreed. This just seemed like a very unusual and special connection. He is friends with other parents that I greatly respect. I had a false sense of security in feeling that he was known, and safe. I had decided, going forward, to do exactly what you said. I don’t know why I made an exception here. Never again.

[Kkstarzz96]

on the other hand, you have a friends with benefits situation which is already hard to begin a good one, so you won't be left empty handed. and that's why i think he's done this before because he knew what to do to the tee. so I'm not sure, eventually you know after a few months I give in cause I want it too, but even like that, he still became distant and denied there's any correlation. I don't know, but from what I've learned, they cannot be trained, they have to decide they want more with you, that this is more than just that. given how powerful it is, it's very hard to prove the value of the relationship without it. but I think it's worth a try

[HollyK21]

Personally I find it concerning when men come straight out of the gate with that sort of “rushing along” mentality. It builds a false sense of intimacy, familiarity, and makes you feel more connected to him than there’s actually even basis for you to feel. On one hand you’d hope that because he’s an older man, he is more serious and that’s why there’s such haste behind his actions, but to me that is a big red flag. Introducing you to his friends and family really sealed the deal for you, but what if that is something they’re used to? What if he’s the sort to bring women around? There’s no real way to know and of course they will not throw him under the bus by telling you. My point with this spiel is not to make you drop him, but to reign your feelings in a bit so you can make practical, logical decisions, and walk away if need be. I am hoping he is genuine, but if he’s falling off after a week then it is not crazy to assume he did what he had to do for sex, and is washing his hands now. If that is the case here I’m truly sorry, because deceptive men like that are absolute cretins. But the takeaway would be to run fast and far from a man who does so much, so soon.

[Jupiter030920]

I agree. I think we were both so excited to have met someone that we connected with and he just got a little over excited. He is younger than me and probably just emotionally less mature. I’m definitely not going to do anything crazy, in either direction. I’m just trying to understand without asking him and being needy.

[HollyK21]

One thing I would definitely suggest is that when you’re feeling something, speak on it. I know there can be that fear of looking a certain way, scaring him off or any of those things we convince ourselves will be the outcome. But the thing is, you need to be able to address things and share your thoughts with him, because if you can’t talk about the small things, how can you with bigger ones? I man who is truly about you will not run for the hills because you’re asking if everything is ok, or what is on his mind. And if for some reason he perceives your questions as needy, then that will only make you silence yourself in the future.

[Jupiter030920]

Yeah that’s a really excellent point. I think I’ll give it a day or two and see if he comes around and if he doesn’t, I’m going to ask what’s up and let him know it wasn’t okay to lead me on thinking there’d be a relationship. For now, I’m just going to hang back and see if he initiates more contact.

[HollyK21]

Sounds like a good idea ☺️ wishing you luck!

[ScoobyNECBir]

Well , you gave him the sex? Three times he busted nuts (sorry) haha. You gave him everything he could have asked for… Now there is nothing left to chase. So his interest and the spark has fizzled.

What can you do about this? I honestly don’t know. In my opinion I don’t think you should have let him sleep with you three times “so easily” you could have played hard to get even though you already had sex before etc. You should have just let him the once, and made some excuse to not do it again on that night and teased him abit and said not so fast or something and that you will not give it so easily when ever he wants.

[Jupiter030920]

Yeah you’re probably right. I feel like if you don’t give it up soon most guys lose interest. It’s a hard thing to balance.

[ScoobyNECBir]

Absolutely, it is a hard job. Especially now with social media and dating apps. People are easily replaceable and we live in a world of instant gratification. However , somethings you can’t control so I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it. However, if you play your cards right stay classy and not so easily give in to there advances. It will keep him or other men on there feet. I’m sure there are some books around that women have written. Might be worth having a look around.

[Avicenna]

Well, he’s having second thoughts. You need to talk to him.

[jennifer_bloom]

I would describe this reduced interest as the crystal meth phenomenon, the first time you smoke a drug, you feel high and you never get that first encounter high back, it’s diminished returns with each successive use of the drug and in a romance, sexual interest is a diminishing returns variable that is often destabilized by outer forces, you need lifestyle and emotional intimacy to retain his interest and it could be as simple as having the visual intelligence to decorate and colour code your house in an attractive way, men respond to the mood boost you give them and not to your perceived social value so being drama free, neat, clean and tidy would probably work better than being physical.

[Guy13]

You will scare him off if you push

[Guy13]

He might be stepping back reevaluating what he said, the cost-risks, and why did he do that🤷🏻‍♂️

[Jupiter030920]

That makes sense. He did come at me very intensely. Just really bums me out and I don’t want to screw it up if it’s not already over.

[Guy13]

It will be if you overload him with your emotional insecurity that is apparent in your Post. Hopefully, he has not picked-up on it.
—Men like fragile but not perceived insecure and needy drama queen…
—If he is being straight-up with you then he knows what to do-how to eliminate insecurity or feed security if you will…

[Jupiter030920]

I haven’t said anything other than small talk and asking how his night was with his buddies. I’m generally not insecure and am fine with causal things. All the relationship talk was driven by him. He was worried I’d ghost him before we were even together so I don’t know how to reconcile the two. I feel like he’s doing the very thing he was afraid of me doing. It’s confusing. That’s all.

[Guy13]

He’s probably has been ghosted. He probably wanted to know how you would react in this silly Self world…will she commit suicide.
-He’s in a position that he can ghost safely if need be. Does he realize that you are “laid back” or did you really sell him on the “I haven’t felt this way in Soooo LoooooonG”

[Jupiter030920]

He knew I’d met a fair amount of people since I’ve been single and just didn’t feel chemistry with anyone and that I was excited over the spark we had. He also knew that I have a friends with benefits scenario that I am happy with and had decided that was enough for me for now. I feel like I communicated that I wasn’t really looking for anything but if the right thing came along I’d consider a relationship and ending the friends with benefits situation. I did make it clear I wasn’t interested in hookups anymore just because they’re unfulfilling. He said the same for him.

[Jupiter030920]

He’s free to ghost me if he wants. He put himself in a shitty position to do that since he’s one of my kids coaches and will have to see me. I’d think he’d have thought that part through.

[Guy13]

THAT’S what is going on…NICE DETAIL to leave out Soccer ⚽️ Mum🙃

[Jupiter030920]

Lol I don’t see how it matters. It’s just for a few more months. My son already knows and is fine with it. I’ve literally knows this dude for years and have emailed many times about stuff. I think he knows I’m not the type to flip out of things don’t work out.

[Guy13]

Alright then, your kid knows you’re hooking-up with Coach? … He’s probably too old To Do You and pitch work…unless he’s in 20s.

[Jupiter030920]

30s. And my kiddo knows we have hung out a few times.

[Guy13]

I would be embarrassed if I pulled a,”I’ve never had sex, meet parents, dog etc…” IF I WAS 35. 🙈

[Jupiter030920]

Embarrassed of?

[Guy13]

Yes…let’s just say it this way:. When I was sophomore in university (mens ⚽️ team too) working in a step-down hospital unit (physical/occupational therapy)….
a 42 year old woman that I had gotten to know over a year of work…grabbed me down the hall and dropped me into Equipment Room.
So, over the next 3 years…. she became known as Mommie Dearest by the Boys… and she liked it…. Nurses, you know.
IF I WOULD HAVE. done the Mom, Brithers, Dogs thing then EMBARRASSING for sure but I did not 💪

[Jupiter030920]

That makes sense. I guess I just saw this differently knowing we sort of knew one another and that he has a close bond with my son. There is a level of familiarity that made it feel okay and right.

[Guy13]

Ohhhh, I see now. Your thinking Macro-Wholistic…ohhh, you’re a little disappointed. Be honest, how long have you been considering the Possibility

[Jupiter030920]

Literally have never thought of this guy ever in my life. He’s not my type if I’m looking for a guy. It wasn’t until he officially introduced himself to me and told me what a great kid my son is that he crossed my mind. I have seen him across the gym and thought absolutely nothing. I got invited to join the parents and him at dinner while at an out of town tournament and we just hit it off. He didn’t try to sleep with me and he could have. He asked me to ride with him 5 hours back to our town and we just talked and laughed and had a great time. It was all just a seemingly innocent accident. But the thought never crossed my mind until he started perusing me. It just seemed like one of those once in a lifetime awesome connections that magically happens.

[Guy13]

Alright-enjoy the Ride…

[Luckycharms12]

He just wanted sex