What do you do if husband moved out and can't decide if he wants to divorce or not?

[Anonymous]

Husband and I have had a rocky past few months. Anyway he moved out about 2 weeks ago, said he wanted a divorce September 15. The past month he has spent it going to bars clubs and not caring about my feelings while I was crying and begging for him to make us work because I love him. I asked him why he hasn’t filed yet and he said he didn’t know if he wanted to or not. And that the time away that he’s moved out should make it easier. And that if he wanted our marriage to work and loved me he should feel like he misses me and wants to see me. But so far he doesn’t feel that way and waiting to see with time.

I don’t know what to do. Is that true? Would he miss me? Should I just stop waisting my time waiting?

[William7489]

OK I’ve been through a divorce that is a doozy and I know about marriage. This is a really tough question to answer because there’s so many variables we don’t know about. The common rule they choose to live by as this. If you’ve reached a point where Your partner asked for a “break“ for time apart to decide whether or not he needs to stay in the relationship, things are not looking good at all. From what you’ve said he’s already checked out. And he is gaslighting you in a major way. It sounds like the only chance you might have for reconciliation is to go ahead and file yourself and see if that slaps him back into reality.
Right now he has no incentive to change because he’s able to go out and live the single lifestyle, knowing that you’re at home crying and waiting for him to do whatever he wants to do and hoping he’ll come to you. I’ve always said that “once you become an option to your partner in a relationship, be the bigger person and help them out by eliminating yourself as a choice.“ what I’m trying to say is that by allowing yourself to be a fallback option, he loses respect for you even if it’s in an unconscious way. I’m really sorry you’re going through this, I’ve been there and it’s awful. Let me know if I can help. As bad as it is, and I know it’s bad remember this one thing: the only thing worse than having to get divorced after so many years, is staying married one more day to the person you’re divorcing. You deserve much better, MoveOn, grieve, and allow yourself to be loved.

[Asker]

You couldn’t have said it any better. I was doing okay at first but after he told me that I feel like I’m back at square one feeling depressed and crying all day. I’m just so sad. Like moving out in my opinion isn’t going to make him miss me when he initiated this. Out of sight out of mind. The worst part is that we have so I have to communicate with him and see him on occasion and he won’t let me move

[William7489]

Sounds like you need to talk to a lawyer at this point and move on. We really do

[ndawg1114]

This is something I don’t really understand. I’m not married so I don’t get it but been a serious dater and long term relationships.

The working on our marriage or taking a break?

For example I’ll use this as a reference point one of my coworkers and his wife is having issues. He resents her for her past, she was “loose” in college and created drama in his family. He’s lost contact with one of his closer cousins, because she slept with him (not knowing who my coworker was). So they’ve had some serious issues when he’s drunk basically calls her a whore and she’s to blame for ruining his relationship with his cousin. He doesn’t pay attention to her at all sex happens but it’s barely going on, she’s been having an emotional affair to a dude online. They’ve been together 12 years. They have four kids, but they’re still working on their marriage. It’s like when is enough enough. His feelings won’t change because in his mind that’s what happened.

For couples who are on a “break” it’s over. Once one of the partners check out it’s over.

[AmandaYVR]

If one person decides they want to end the relationship there's not much the other can do. Relationships are a two-way street.

Try to hold yourself together, and give him the time that he needs to see how he feels on his own. You can't really rush that process for him. If you make it worse for him, it could push him further away. You don't need to wait for him, or completely give up all hope. Just do what your heart can handle. Maybe take this time away from him to really think about and assess your feelings, too. Maybe there's someone else out there better for you. You want to date a bit? Or you're too upset?

[slatyb]

What do you want? If he's not coming back then you can either divorce him or stay married. Talk to a divorce lawyer. Immediately separate your financial resources from his. Do not continue adding assets to a joint account. If there is a joint account, move half (or all) into your individual account. If there are other joint accounts, do the same.

[loveslongnails]

If you want a divorce, file for it yourself. Who cares what he wants?

[Asker]

I didn’t want it. I wanted to make it work but I’m so heartbroken and this process is keeping me depressed and sad all day. All I do is cry

[loveslongnails]

Then confront him and tell to make up his mind so you can get on with your life.

[Anonymous]

Make the decision for him.