To tell her or not to tell her, I am in a difficult situation?

[Anonymous]

A couple of years ago, my wife decided she was Asexual and didn't want to have sex ever again, we haven't to this day.

I was unsure of what to do for awhile.

I couldn't see myself going the rest of my life without that. I asked her if it would be okay to find someone else and she adamantly said no... that since she went Asexual I had no choice but to as well.

This went on for a year, and last December I met someone, rather unexpectedly, without trying.

After six months or so we eventually got intimate and I fell in love, we want to have kids together and start a family and be together.

I decided I needed to file for divorce, as she has always been very independent and I figured she'd be fine, given her stance on things.

I met with an attorney.

The day I was going to tell her I was filing for divorce, she had a doctors appointment as she had been feeling sick.

Before I got a chance to tell her, she was admitted to the hospital for kidney failure... and I didn't think that it would be the best time to say, Hey I'm going to file for divorce.

She was later diagnosed with late stage terminal cancer, is unable to sit up, walk or do much of anything for herself and it is getting worse.

She has no family as it is just me, I just couldn't bring myself to say I'm I'm divorcing you as she has no one else to help care for her, or even to get her to her chemo appointments.

I want to leave her, but she is already very emotionally devastated by what is going on.

Should I tell her, I have someone else, and I'm leaving her?

Or should I help her out and through the final stages of her life until the end?

Doctors have said it can be anywhere from 3 months to 3 years, depending how treatment goes, but she no longer can work or do anything for herself. I don't think I could leave her now.

I am torn about how things went down and regret how things happened but I also want to help her be comforted and taken care of to the end.

If you were her, what would you want?

[Anonymous]

If I were her, I'd want you to be happy. If there is really no one else (family, friends, public institution or hospital) then I'd at least offer friendship to live togeher until my final days, or until I find someone else. I'd accept your girlfriend and give you as much freedom as possible. I just wouldn't want to die miserable and alone.

My parents were divorced ever since I was born. Then my mom got diagnosd by schizophrenia, paranoia and depression when I was 8, and my dad moved in to take care of us (my brother and me) because she couldn't. As time went by she slowly couldn't take care of herself anymore either, and me and my brother grew up and left eventually. But my dad stayed with my mom, to take care of her, even though we are not there anymore. They were a terrible couple, terrible friends, they were fighting all the time and no one was happy with the situation. But there was no one else, and no help from the government. This mental desiese is the worst killer, it doesn't really kill you physically but eating up your insides and brain day by day. She can't think rationally, she is danger to herself at times, and her body is destroyed by so many medications (she can't even poop by herself anymore). My dad takes care of her still. It's been around 23 years now. My brother and I both live abroad and can't take care of them, so only two of them. My dad sarcrificed his whole life basically to take care of his ex wife. I understand the need to take care of your kids, but no one forced him or asked him to take care of her too, he has no obligation and he had every right to leave at any time. But yet he didn't. He had few girlfriends over the years and they were all aware of the situation, but he never remaried or had other kids. Being a caregiver to such a sick person also takes its toll on a person, not everyone can do it, I admire my dad for his strenght. But he is also mentally drained and I always feel sad when I think about their lives and how at least my dad could've had a better one. He should've, he desrved it. I don't know if he is doing it out of guilt or love, but what is sure is that he is one of the good ones, one that cares. But I bet he asked himself the same question many times, and that he wanted to leave many times. Whats keeping him? Guilt? Love?

Unfortunate things happen, but there is always worse. You got 3 years top, at least you know it won't be forever. This is not about her or your other girlfriend, this is about what kind of person do you want to be.

[Aerissa_Jade]

I'm sort of in her kind of situation, as I am also terminal but not from cancer, something else.

If I was her, I would want you to be happy after I was gone. I would want you to stay and take care of me, but also I want to know that you'll be fine after I'm gone. That would help me to be happy and bring peace.

My worse fear is that my husband would be miserable, sad and unable to remarry and find another relationship after I was gone and with no kids would die alone.

I do not know what kind of government or private/charity help you can get but should look into that. It is possible that there is some and maybe they could take care of her as if she knew the truth she may not want to be with you at all.

As I am hyper-sexual, I get it. I couldn't just stop having sex either but I'd have been more direct and clearly stated it. Either I get it with you, or I go somewhere else, what is it going to be?

Then state, okay... else ware if I do not have your permission, divorce it is.

Saying I have to become Asexual too is not a choice one person can make when it hasn't been that way up to this point.

I would literally rather just die, than become Asexual if my husband did that.

How long were you married though? seems the longer someone is married the harder it is to get divorced.

This is a legit reason in my state to file for a fault divorce (rather than no fault.) When a partner is unable or unwilling to be intimate. It is listed right next to infidelity. Technically you both have a 'at fault' reason to file for divorce from the other, only she doesn't know she has a reason.

Perhaps you can do a little of both, take care of her to the end and maybe she'll be worried about you too and what will happen when you are gone and you can work that in somehow that you'll be fine and ask if she is okay with you being with someone else.

If she is anything like me, she'd want to know that you'll be fine after she is gone.

Good freaking luck though, what a terrible situation.

[Asker]

It took me some time to figure out what I really wanted. I have never found finding someone a easy task, for a time I thought maybe I could just go along with it but then I understood that would not happen.

Then a miracle happened and now I am stuck where I am, I plan on helping her to the end but also moving in the other direction too. I fear that if I ended it with the new person, once she passes on. I will be single the rest of my life.

[all_hayl]

Seems like she put you into a very difficult and awkward position. Sometimes if we set aside our own desires, the right thing to do becomes more clear to us. It might not be what we want to do, but the right thing to do often times is not what we want to do. I’m not saying tell her, and I’m not saying don’t tell her, but just something to think about that may help guide your decision.

[Guy13]

Hope it all works out as you wish for.

No matter how it all works out, it sounds like a book-tv Hallmark or TLC Deal to me. Good luck with it !!

[Asker]

I know, I wonder if I had ended it in the Spring what she would be doing now. Most likely have come back, asking for help.

[SueShe]

You were able to live the life of an asexual for all that time and what are 3 moths or even 3 years more in comparison to what your wife has to endure?

If you have a little dignity in yourself, then you do not file for divorce. It is not only bad timing but it also makes you look as if you are hammering the nail in her coffin when all she needs right now is all the moral support she needs.

Have the decency to put your sexual life aside. What are a few spasms and muscular contractions once in a while compared to the emotional turnmoil that your spouse has to go through right now.

I understand that at age 42, you want to copulate from time to time but in view of the situation, it is not only a bad decision to take but also a lack of respect to your dying wife.

[PrettyPriya]

You honestly need to do the right thing, which is to put aside your other relationship and focus on the fact that her life is ending. That shouldn't even be a question in my mind, but that is just me.

The big issue I see here is not only are you going to have to tell her you want a divorce, but you cheated on her. I don't care if she was asexual all of a sudden. You still cheated on her. End of story. Are you going to tell her about how you have been sneaking around with another woman? That you love her and want kids? You are going to tell a terminally ill person this?

I am having a hard time writing anything positive. I absolutely abhor cheaters. It is the most disgusting act of betrayal in a relationship. The very second you had the slightest thought of being with another woman, you needed to stop, file for divorce and get that over with. Did you? Nope, you just cheated. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I feel horrible for your poor wife.

[Sparkie460]

I think you should follow the vows you took, in sickness and in health until death do you part. Put your other relationship on hold for now.

I'm in a similar situation. My wife and I haven't had sex in 14 years. She isn't in good health but I still love her and I'm staying with her. My wife doesn't have terminal cancer but I'm staying with her until death do us part

[Faith18letsgo]

If I were her I’d want you to stay.