My former girlfriend of over 8 months broke up with me recently. Yesterday we met to talk about things and she revealed that she wasn't over her ex, and she felt guilty about not being all in with me. Her last relationship was also her first, and he was kind of shitty. It wasn't a healthy relationship, and it ended around 2 months before we met. When we first started talking we had hit it off but she expressed she was anxious about starting something new since it hadn't been long since her last relationship ended.
We kept talking and about a month or two later, we started dating. Things were great! We were compatible in so many ways, similar interests, major, hobbies, music. We had good problem solving and communication, and our friends and families liked the other. Once the summer started, things felt a bit different and eventually she broke up with me.
After talking she explained that she felt guilty for being with me while still having feelings for her ex. She explained that it didn't feel fair to be with me and not be all in, and she couldn't be all in while she still had feelings for her ex. I asked if she would get back with her ex, and she said "If he was a different person" which realistically means no. She said she knows it wouldn't be healthy, but she still has feelings. She said that when we started dating she was caught up in being in such a nice relationship with a boyfriend who was caring, nice, sweet, cool, communicative. She was enjoying being in a healthy and good relationship that she never really resolved her feelings for her ex.
She said she can't date anyone now and needs to be alone. I know if we got back together our relationship would be even better than it was before, but I also don't know if she would ever feel comfortable reaching out. How long do you think I should wait to reach out? How do you feel about this?
Ex said she still has for ex?
What Girls & Guys Said
Opinion
1Opinion
Do not reach out. What she did was shitty. Several times I have rejected guys because I wasn’t over my ex situation but I told them before we started dating. She had that responsibility to let you know where her head was at (because it was most likely no different when you started talking) and she failed to do so. She used you as a rebound and that is not okay.
She did let me know where her head was, but I think she figured she could heal while growing with me. I don't feel used, and I don't think she meant our relationship to be a rebound. It is a bit unfortunate it turned out this way, but I'm happy for the time we had and I am happy she is taking the time she needs.
That’s good that you have a more positive outlook on this situation, however do not put up with this. She proved to you that your efforts don’t really matter and won’t change her mind. You need to move on
I guess how I feel is that we both know we had something really good, and it could be better. However, she needs to take some time to heal and get over her ex. I don't see the harm in giving her that time and trying again in the future. Its not like I'm just sitting around doing nothing as I wait for her. I'm doing my own thing and improving, so regardless of what happens I'll be better.
I get what you mean, but you have this idea that she will come back in the future and then you are going on with your life in the back of your head that it’s going to happen, when it may never. It’s a mindset that could hold you back from finding the correct partner and someone that is ready to start a future with you because you have in the back of your mind that this person that showed you a good time still has the potential to be a good partner eventually. It’s unfair to you and it’s also unfair to put that expectation onto her when she has already made it known that she isn’t interested in making this work.
And then what happens if she doesn’t come back? Will you despise her because you wasted more time by thinking she will eventually come back?
Due to circumstances relating to where I am in my life, it doesn't seem like I am in a position to find a partner that is equal to or better than her. Not saying I never could, but there is a lot going on that makes it difficult and it doesn't really seem worth it to try and find someone else now. I don't have any expectations, I just have a little hope.
I know we were good together and so does she. We both made that very clear in every conversation we have had post break-up, she just has unresolved feelings that she needs to figure out. While it would be nice for her to figure things out and things work out with us in the future, I also know that things don't work out. If she doesn't come back I will have improved myself and grown. I don't have any negative feelings towards her now and I wouldn't if she never comes back.
I don't feel I'm wasting my time, because its not like I'm just wasting away, hoping she'll eventually come back to me. I'm spending time with friends and family, reflecting on myself, eating more meals, reading, doing things I enjoy!
Like I said it’s good to have a positive outlook on the situation, but you also have to accept the situation for what it is. There’s a middle ground. You need to have a back bone and boundaries at some point or another.
It sounds like she has feelings for a version of her ex that might not even exist, and those feelings for that potential version of him aren't enough for her to get back with him, but they're holding her back from giving her all to you. If there are unresolved feelings she should take time to sort those out, because even if she did get back together with you and those feelings were still there, it might lead to resentment, and/or feelings of missing out on something. My advice for you is to try and move on. She still has some healing to do.
I agree with your assessment of the situation. She has feelings for a version of her ex that isn't real. She knows it would be bad if she got back with him, and that he isn't available right now. However it was holding her back from giving her all to me. I agree it will take her time to sort out those feelings, but I don't see the harm in giving her that time. We had something really good, and we both know that. I don't really see the harm in working on myself while she does the same for herself.
Typical.
A woman is treated like shit. They break up and find a decent guy.
They can't handle being with a decent guy, so they dump him.
She'll either go back to her ex or find someone equally toxic. Her saying she needs time without a relationship is H. S.
This seems like a very negative outlook on relationships. As I explained, it wasn't about not being able to handle me. The issue was she had unresolved feelings. You're free to think she's just lying and she just loves toxic relationships, but I'm pretty sure you're wrong.
My opinion is based on personal experience as well. as the experience of others.