Can a breakup be traumatic for avoidantly attached people?

[Anonymous]

I'm a dismissive avoidant (DA). She's fearful avoidant/dismissive avoidant (FA/DA), who normally tends to lean more on the avoidant side (in our relationship) than the anxious side apart from her constant low self-esteem, guilt-tripping and playing the victim card.
Three weeks ago we took time apart (or it was sort of a soft breakup, at least this is how she felt about it) due to not understanding our attachment styles, different priorities in the relationship and miscommunication. Neither the breakup nor reasons for it were stated clearly, it went without saying.

I just learned through mutual friends, that just a few days after our "breakup" she got presumably a panic/anxiety/stress attack (not fully diagnosed by the doctors though, I think), because she suddenly started feeling dizzy, fainted and was taken to the ER, because she hit her head. It was the first time she has ever fainted (with no underlying medical health issues, according to the doctors).
Now she's in denial. My friends told me that she said to them that "it was nothing serious, probably just didn't sleep well that day" or something along these lines. Also she apparently thinks it was me who ended the relationship. I would love to at least ask her if she's OK, but as we're not on speaking terms, I'm not sure if she likes me to reach out to her or it would cause her even more stress. So I have two questions:
- do you think this happened to her because of the breakup? In result of the breakup, she started to suffer such a distress and anxiety? Or it's just a coincidence that she fainted after our breakup?
- have you (if you're an FA) ever experienced strong feelings of distress, anxiety, and even depressive symptoms after a breakup because you felt abandoned? Have you ever been preoccupied with why the breakup occurred in the first place and in result couldn't move on?

[Oliverlogan263]

Based on the information provided, it does seem possible that the breakup could have been a trigger for your partner's anxiety attack and subsequent fainting episode. Some thoughts:

• Avoidant attached individuals can still be impacted by breakups, even if they appear less emotionally reactive on the surface. Underneath, they may struggle with feelings of loss, abandonment and rejection.

• For someone with an anxious-avoidant attachment style like your partner, breakups can be particularly distressing as they activate both sides of that attachment complex - fear of abandonment and avoidance of intimacy/dependence.

• The fact that your partner fainted so soon after the breakup, with no identified medical cause, suggests it may have been a situational reaction to the stress and anxiety induced by the relationship ending.

• Your partner's tendency to downplay or deny the seriousness of what happened ("didn't sleep well") could indicate shame around the experience, a need to appear more emotionally resilient than she actually felt, or avoidance of dealing with the underlying issues.

• Reaching out could potentially be reassuring for your partner, though avoidant types often prefer to deal with distress alone rather than seek support. Proceed gently and non-intrusively if you do make contact.

• Therapy could greatly benefit your partner to help her process attachment wounds, regulate stress responses and build coping skills for future breakups. But she will need to be willing and ready for that change.

In summary, breakups can certainly impact avoidant-attached individuals, sometimes in more internalized ways that are still damaging. Your partner's reaction, while extreme, fits with what we know about attachment anxiety and stress responses. Reaching out could potentially help, if done sensitively - but the ultimate solution likely lies in your partner's willingness to do her own inner work. I hope this perspective provides some useful insights.

[Asker]

Thanks @oliverlogan263 for your very insightful answer. There's certainly some inner work to do for both of us.

[Oliverlogan263]

You're welcome. I'm glad the answer provided some useful insights. Self-reflection and personal growth are always important parts of any relationship, especially after a breakup. A few parting thoughts:

• Understand that each person has to walk their own journey of healing and growth, in their own time and way. You cannot control her process, only your own.

• Focus on what you can learn from this experience. Were there things you could have communicated better? Areas of yourself you want to develop further for future relationships? This breakup presents an opportunity for self-awareness and improvement.

• Try to approach this with compassion for both yourself and your ex. Relationships are learning experiences, and no one is "at fault" for having an avoidant attachment style or for struggling to communicate effectively. We all do the best we can with the tools we have.

• Remember that your own happiness ultimately comes from within. While relationships can enrich our lives, we must be whole on our own first. Focus on cultivating self-love, confidence and resilience moving forward.

• Consider seeking out resources to help you better understand and manage your avoidant attachment tendencies. With time and effort, these patterns can shift towards more security and balance.

• Give yourself time and space to heal. Try not to dwell on "what could have been" with this relationship. Focus on the present moment and what brings you joy now.

The most important thing is to approach this with kindness and compassion - for yourself and for your ex. Relationships are learning experiences, and growth often comes after the breakdown. Focus your energy on reflectiveness, personal growth and cultivating inner peace. The rest will fall into place in its own time.

I wish you all the best moving forward. Please feel free to reach out if you have any other questions.

[Asker]

Thanks so much @oliverlogan263, your wise words mean a lot to me! I wish she could look at things from your perspective.
I have a question, since you mentioned resources for personal growth. Are there any websites, books that you could recommend for self-care for avoidants?

[Asker]

One more question, do you actually think she realized the accident was probably caused by her severe anxiety (feelings of loss, abandonment and rejection) after the breakup? And her tendency to downplay/deny is just a coping mechanism that she's aware of? Or does she actually believe it was because she hadn't slept well? What could be her level of self-awarness in that case?

[Oliverlogan263]

Here are some resources I'd recommend for personal growth as an avoidant:

• Books:
- Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller (good overview of attachment theory)
- Running on Empty by Jonice Webb (helps avoidants understand emotions)
- Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson (avoids often have emotionally immature caregivers)

• Websites:
- Avoidant Attachment (avoidantattachment. com) - articles, coping skills and resources specifically for avoidants
- Personal Development School (personaldevelopmentschool. com) - articles on psychology, relationships and personal growth
- Therapist Aid (therapistaid. com) - free worksheets, guides and activities focused on self-help and coping skills

Regarding your friend's self-awareness: It's hard to say definitively how aware she is of her avoidant patterns and what caused her fainting episode. From your description, it does seem likely that her anxiety and distress over the breakup was a major factor in the fainting. But her attempts to downplay or dismiss that possibility suggest:

• Either she genuinely doesn't realize her avoidant coping mechanisms contributed to such a distressing physical reaction. She may lack that level of self-knowledge.

• Or she does realize on some level that her avoidant tendencies caused or compounded the problem, but is trying to avoid facing those uncomfortable truths. Downplaying/denying is a common defense tactic for avoidants.

Either way, that event could be a "wake up call" moment that pushes her to explore her avoidant patterns more deeply and seek personal growth resources (like the ones I shared above). But whether or not she follows through on that largely depends on her overall self-awareness and willingness to do inner work.

Hopefully this provides some clarity and actionable recommendations! Please let me know if you have any other questions. I'm happy to help however I can.

[Asker]

Thanks so much @oliverlogan263, you're wonderful! So insightful and helpful :)

[ProbablyClueless]

Break ups can be very traumatic for avoidant people.

[Asker]

But does this traumatic experience happen immediately in the aftermath of the breakup? Or rather is gradual and hits some months later?

[ProbablyClueless]

That's interesting question... I imagine it's probably a pretty quick thing.

[Asker]

hmmm as an avoidant myself I have a problem with processing emotions, but your answer hits the nail on the head, I think. So this kind of anxiety might happen right just after, as a feeling of abandonment that may be very painful and triggers some other trauma to resurface. Does it make sense, you think?

[ProbablyClueless]

I can only speak from my personal experience as a former avoidant myself, but that intuitively make sense to me; yes.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Breakups can be very traumatic.

Especially with someone you consider to be your family.

I’d say I’ve been hurt a lot in my life but nothing ever dragged me down as much as a break up.

I honestly thought “How much can a heart feel and stay alive?”. I thought I’d fall asleep and not wake up in the morning, because I was hurting so much, I realized emotional pain can be the biggest pain we’ll experience.

And even though, you feel like your heart will stop, you’ll wake up the next day. And keep waking up everyday, even if you don’t want to. You’ll keep waking and the day will come when you’ll smile and wonder that happiness after such a bug pain is even more beautiful.

You take every moment specially, you no longer take happiness for granted, because you’ve been through a lot.

So, in a way, heartbreak make the heart stronger. “What is dead, may never die”, what is broken may never break.

[Asker]

Thanks for your input! Indeed, whatever touches our emotions, deep-down, leaves a scar that is not easy to heal.
But every scar I have is a lesson and makes me who I am.

[provokeesmokee]

I think you should stop thinking of it and agonizing over it.

Her health is her business. You're on break and, maybe, it seems she's okay not resuming.

Either way, unless you two can figure out how to communicate effectively, you're not good for each other.

Personally, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't go back to that. A relationship where the other person is constantly playing victim and is so extremely unwell that a mere break sends them to the ER requires more care and tending than I have the capacity to provide.

[Asker]

I find it hard to be so selfish and not care about health and well-being of a person for whom I once truly cared

[Anonymous]

What are you talking about avoidant?

But yes it was a coincidence 😂 happens more often then is girls want to admit.

Just from stress not just from the break up. End it and let her move on don't dangle her along.

Makes her feel worse pushing her about it

[Asker]

Yeah, from stress... and if from stress then why she didn't faint one week before the breakup, for instance?
Coincedence maybe, or maybe not. Breakups can be also stressful, you know...
In any case, I'm not going to contact her, I'll leave her in peace.

[Opinion Owner]

It won't end her in peace but go for it