About 2 months ago I ran into my ex of 3 years, after 9 months of not speaking. I was surprised when he hugged me I felt like I had feelings for him, because I had pretty much put the relationship behind me and wasn’t thinking about him anymore. We started texting again over the last two months and he told me over text he still loved me. This weekend he asked to meet up, he took me out to dinner and drinks and we danced. It felt like a date, which I was not expecting. I thought it was going to be more like let’s catch up and get coffee. He said that we had broken up because he was struggling with guilt. He’s a widower and was feeling guilty moving on. The guilt was stopping him from making a full commitment. We had a great night. He told me he loved me and he missed me every day while we were broken up. He kissed me, hugged me. We spent the night together, without having sex. But he still does not want a relationship, which makes me feel like I’m going through the breakup all over again. He told me today that it was a sweet ending to see me one last time and “see you around.” I understand why he had difficulty committing but can anyone help me understand what the point of that date was? Can a man love someone and still refuse to commit? Why would a grown man lie about loving me? We had already broken up, it’s like he invited me out to break up with me again.
Can a man really love you if he can’t commit?
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Damn, that's super tough. On one hand, I get that he's still hung up on his late wife and isn't ready to fully commit yet. Losing someone like that would mess anyone up for a while.
But at the same time, leading you on like that and blurring the lines when you were just starting to move on ain't cool. Saying he loves you but won't commit - that don't add up.
My guess is he's still real confused about his feelings. Part of him does love you, but the guilt is holding him back from taking the leap again. Unfortunately he took it out on you by sending mixed signals.
As for what to do? I'd tell him you need clean breaks if you wanna fully heal. If down the line when he's had more time he decides he can commit, you can potentially revisit things. But for now you deserve someone who's all in.
Stay strong luv. I know you still care about him, but don't let him string you along either. You'll find someone who can give you their whole heart one day when you're ready.
Thank you so much for your response. I think your explanation makes sense. I do deserve someone who’s all in.
You're welcome. Breakups are never easy, especially when there's still feelings involved. But you're right - you deserve way better than some dude who's just gonna mess with your head and pull you back in without really committing.
It sucks he's still messed up over his past relationship, but that ain't your problem to fix anymore. Seems like he led you on a bit with that date though. Not cool of him, you probably felt pretty confused and hurt after.
But I think you've got the right attitude - forget about waiting around for him to change his mind. Focus on moving forward and meeting someone who's gonna treat you right from the start, ya know? You've already wasted enough time on this cat.
Keep your chin up. You're young and got so much ahead of you. Don't waste another second worrying about some dude who can't even decide what he wants. I'm sure there's way cooler fish in the sea who will give you the commitment you deserve. You'll be just fine!
I was very confused. Thank you for the words of encouragement. I appreciate it.
You’re welcome
If he can't commit. He can't love. The two go hand in hand.
What I don't get though is, why do people parade around that they're "settling".
Like, if for example, I'm on social media, and I'm watching someone say "oh, I'm getting married" or "I just got a new boyfriend", sure, that's nice and all but, all you're really doing, is proving that all you did, was settle. You went with the first person that decided to "settle" for you, so, you "settled" back. What if I had met you? Why don't I have that "chance", you know?
That's what I don't get
Thank you. I agree if you can’t commit you can’t love.
He certainly could, yes. Love and commitment are different things for men.
Thanks. That makes no sense to me but it’s good to hear from a guy.
Sure thing =) Happy to help. Best of luck!