Why is he doing this?

[Anonymous]

We never dated. But we're in love with each other in completely different times. We were very good together but I never realized I guess.

We both got married. I got divorced because my husband was abusive. He texted me a few months later, asking if I'm alright. We talked for a while. He one day asked if I ever regret. I stupidly slipped out that I did and that I liked him to but never told him. He was a bit disappointed and irritated. Mad even. Saying things could've been different. He said his wife was just there and it wasn't serious. He said that he has lost me and cannot cope with that.

Then again he says "why do you never ask about my wife?" I became embarrassed. I did but it wasn't noticeable enough I guess. Sometimes he talks as if he's lost everything by losing me. But again not.

I was suffering from my divorce and abuse, talking to him took me to a confusing state of mind, where I'm happy talking to him again but I know it'll be a sad situation again when I'm left alone. And he'll go live his happy life while he gets this temporary peace talking to me, but I don't have anyone to fall back to. I am weak.

What does he want?

[Oliverlogan263]

Girl, I know this situation has got to be so confusing and emotionally draining for you. It seems like your friend is struggling with mixed feelings too.

On one hand, reconnecting with you brought up romantic "what ifs" since there was clearly a connection between you two back then. But he also has commitments to his wife now.

It's not fair of him to get your hopes up by saying things could've been different or that he lost you. That puts pressure on you to fill a void after your own painful divorce.

At the same time, talking with you may be an escape for him from troubles at home. But that ends up hurting you when he pulls away again to go back to his wife.

You deserve better than being someone's temporary emotional Band-Aid! I think you need to gently but firmly set boundaries with him by taking a big step back from contact.

Focus on healing yourself and don't get drawn into his back and forth. If he really wants to be there for you as a friend, he'll respect your space right now and listen without pressuring you for more.

You've got this girl! Prioritize what's best for your happiness and don't settle for anyone's mixed signals. Stay strong - you got this.

[Asker]

He doesn't pressure to talk. He doesn't ask me to reply. But when we do talk. He tell me everything. It hurts to ask about his wife a lot. And he somehow figured that out and told me I'm not ready to ask and get the answer. Which seemed hypocritical considering how he was almost crying that things could've been different. He talks as if he loves me still.
I know he won't make any decisions, his life will go on. He kept telling me the days he knocked me or stalker me during my divorce he had gut feelings. He's not the type to say mushy lies.
I will let him know that I need to let him go because this is hurting me again. He's not conflicted about his wife just he sometimes forgets our situation.

[Oliverlogan263]

Aw man, this whole thing really sounds messy. It sounds like on some level this guy still has strong feelings for you, but he's also not willing to actually leave his wife to be with you fully.

The fact that talking to him leaves you hurting after shows that it's not really healthy for you, even if he's not trying to pressure you. And it is pretty hypocritical of him to get upset that things "could have been different" when he's choosing to stay in his current situation.

I think you're right that the best thing is to put some distance between you guys. It'll probably be hard since there's still feelings there, but constantly reopening that chapter in your life isn't going to help you heal and move on. Letting him go, as painful as it may be short-term, will help you get over him and find someone who can truly be there for you the way you need.

Maybe send him one last message saying you need to cut off contact for your own well-being, then block him so there's no chance of slipping back. You got this - stay strong and focus on you! Things will get better once you're not hanging onto that bittersweet what-could-have-been stuff with him anymore.

[Asker]

I know. He's not giving any hints but speaks more openly now. I don't expect him to leave his wife. He doesn't lose anything in this scenario. I do. My peace of mind. We even met up to give each other the books were supposed to before we stopped talking. We had a long walk. He wants to meet again before he goes off to the sea and I also move overseas. I will probably meet him and give him a letter that I have been writing saying everything that's going on in my head. That we need to let go. I need to do this.

[Oliverlogan263]

Ugh sis, I know this is so impossibly hard. But you are SO strong for realizing you need to let him go, even if it means one last hard goodbye in person. As much as my inner hopeless romantic wishes it could work out different, protecting your heart has to come first here.

Meeting up one last time could give you both some closure, I get it. But please don't lose sight of your boundaries - make sure the letter clearly communicates this was closure, not an opening for more confusion down the road. You deserve a clean break to fully heal without wondering "what if" forever.

Hold your head high walking away, because girl, you are CHOOSING yourself. That takes real guts. I know in time, when the hurt isn't so fresh, you'll see what a strong, wise decision this was for your wellbeing. You got this - we're all here cheering you on into your next happy chapter, without any ex-almost-what-could-have-beens dragging you down! Keep shining bright, love 🌟

[Asker]

How can someone even feel like that. Telling me he needs an escape from life. His words seem genuine so does his regret. Then tells me his wife is planning to meet him in Spain and they're excited. Puts up love posts everywhere.

[Asker]

Tells me his wife plans for their life and he just supports her and loves her. I can see he loves the fact that with her, he doesn't need to bother with making decisions. He likes that she takes charge

[Asker]

I don't want him back or anything but just want to figure out what is he doing or thinking

[Oliverlogan263]

Man, this dude sounds super confusing and contradictory. Like he genuinely seems to still have feelings for you deep down based on the things he says.

But then he goes and posts all that lovey stuff about his wife online and talks about supporting her plans for their life together. It's like he's got one foot in each world or something.

Part of me wonders if he settled for his wife because it was easier than being alone, but he still has some secret regret over never fully being with you. So talking to you is like an escape or reminder of what could have been.

At the same time though, he seems comfortable letting his wife take the lead on big decisions while he just goes along. So maybe sticking with her is the safest easiest choice even if he's not fully happy.

I don't know man, people can be messy. Only he knows what's really going on in his head. All you can do is stand your ground, live your life, and stop letting him play these mind games on you. Easier said than done to not care, but you deserve way better than being someone's back burner option!

[Asker]

I think his marriage is on a different level of trust. i think he's extremely happy and content that's why he's able to xpress his regrets while maintaining his marriage. Whenever we talk about weddings or something and how hectic they are he said "it's a relief that people only get married once." Also asks me If I think about marrying again. I don't know why he needs to mention that people marry once. He mentions his wife more frequently now, I also ask questions about her. His wife knows about his old feelings for me. They even talked about me. So I guess they're very secure.

[Oliverlogan263]

Yo this is all getting real complicated. It does seem like maybe him and his wife have some kinda open or understanding relationship where he can express past feelings without it being a threat.

But still, he can't really have it both ways where he's constantly bringing you up in conversation and asking about your love life and all that. Even if his wife is cool with knowing about you, it ain't fair to keep stirring up your emotions. Especially asking if you'd marry again - like why even go there?

Maybe they do just have a super chill trusting thing going on. But from where you're standing, it'd probably be healthier to take a big step back. Keep things casual friends if you're gonna stay in touch, but don't get pulled into these heavier personal convos. Not fair for him to keep you as an option on the back burner, ya know?

Do your own thing, meet someone who can give you their full attention without all this extra messy relationship stuff in the background. This dude's got his whole situation figured out apparently, you don't need to be a part of it.

[Anonymous]

He may not 'want' anything. He might just care for you deeply and have long come to terms with you not seeing him in the way he might of liked.

If he decided to marry his current partner under a raincloud of you not returning the attention he needed, its understandable he would be mad to now here you did like him (becasue that will destablize his current situation to know).

The best thing to do is get to know him again as this new person. Find out how he feels and talk a lot to him about his partner. Just enjoy the special connection you share, it will figure itself out in time.

[Asker]

He was already dating her for a year when I was feeling something for him. That's why I didn't say. I'm feeling sad again the way I felt when I moved on from him. He wants to k ow everything I felt and feel. Talks abktj a universe where things are different. My heart hurts. I can't stop talking to him. He then tells me I don't ask about his wife because maybe I'm not ready to know the answer. What's that mean

[Opinion Owner]

It sounds like he's suggesting you don't ask about his wife because he would have to explain he loves her to you and he doesn't feel that answer will be one you want to hear. I'd suspect.

However, that said, what you need to do is work out why your feeling the way you feel and honestly tell him what you learn about how you feel. It will either lead to forcing him to say how he loves his wife or to him confessing he doesn't.

Honestly its a tricky situation. Good luck.

[Asker]

I know right. He was saying she was just there. I didn't have to form a sentence with her she did everything for me it was easy. She was just there. But with you it was a decades history and should have had some value when you decided to part ways. I lost you.
Then says things like this.

[Opinion Owner]

Well honestly both can be simultansously true. He can lament the past but also be moved on.

[Asker]

That's so messed up for both of us.

[Opinion Owner]

Ultimately, it doesn't make that great a difference. If you enjoy each others company and its about each others personalities.

If your into each other sexually, then yes agree. Messed up for all three of you.

[Asker]

No. It was never sexual. 13 years, we haven't even made any dirty remarks. It's just an intellectual connection. That's why it hurts more.
I feel pain because I've ignored him and married someone and that fell apart. And now he's getting that emotional connection from me again and gets to feel the love of his wife as well. Telling me he knocked me because his gut feeling told him always that something is wrong with me.
I was just mad that he suddenly said I don't ask about his wife and marriage and what comes next with it. It's like he's shifting personalities.

[Opinion Owner]

He's probably confused. When a guy decides against a girl he liked because of practical reasons (aka she's with someone else and not choosing him) he can reconsile his position. If she then realises she was completely wrong and wishes things where different he's going to become very confused and flip flop some whilst he works himself out.