Does being the dumper hurt?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

We all talk a lot about the ones who got dumped,

Who were left,

But what about the ones who left,

It must be difficult to feel so uncomfortable and unhappy in a relationship that you have to let go of the person you love.

So, did it hurt emotionally when you dumped someone?

Or did it hurt more when you were dumped?

Updates

30 d

I am not asking from my personal experience. I was just wondering.

[blueonblack22]

The dumper:

• had time to think through their decision.
• had time to accept the future without the other person
• has to confront the other person if they are decent. But some people are so cowardly they just text and or worse ghost nowadays
• might have guilt
• might have to deal with cognitive dissonance and regret for making the wrong decision.

The dumpee:

• usually is caught off guard
• usually doesn’t want the relationship to end
• usually powerless at changing the other persons mind
• has to accept the decision whether they like it or not.
• has to come to grips that the other person doesn’t value them as a partner. That doesn’t mean they are worthless to the entire world but they no longer of value to the other person. That can be a gut punch.

I’ve been in both positions. But being the dumpee is harder overall. Reason being it’s the feeling of being powerless. Dealing with guilt isn’t as hard as dealing with feeling of being devalued.

[Tina1979]

Okay let me tell you, my fiance has been both. He got caught so he made me leave, the other 3 times I left because he lied and cheated so I told him that I knew what he was doing, he blamed it on Casper the friendly ghost going on his phone, going on dating and sex chat sites and started being distant in every way when I was so great to him in every aspect of the relationship. I definitely didn't deserve that and he's up to it yet again. I warned him when I came back because he wanted me back, that should I find 1 more thing I will get my shit together and be gone permanently. I can't tell you how many times since last November 2023 that I've found proof that he's doing shit online. He's cyber cheating. He also deletes all text messages. Little does he know I go to the other text app and find he's texting other hoes. He's just a man that's never satisfied and can't be with just 1 woman

[blueonblack22]

@Tina1979 your fiancé is a sex addict. I know this is heart breaking. You wouldn’t have gotten engaged to him if you didn’t value him otherwise. But from what I’m reading this is an addiction and he’s at the point he can’t even control himself unless he gets help.

That doesn’t give him an excuse for his bs. But unless he owns up to it, seeks help and you are willing to stay by him in this process it will only get worse and worse and worse.

You can NOT stick around and think you can “change him”. Don’t give him another chance unless he owns up to having an addiction. If he doesn’t it’s on you to leave. I think you see the failed engagement as a personal failure and it’s not. Heartbreaking for sure. Painful absolutely. But if this ends it wasn’t your fault. But it’s time for you to quit hoping he will magically change overnight. Because it’s also your responsibility to do something about it.

This won’t end because he has serious underlying problem. WHY is he cheated when he f’ing engaged is what it all more then once. Especially more than once.

[Finchie40]

Yes it does , but not as bad as the person being dumped. The dumper had plenty of time to prepare themselves and to get their shit together while stringing their partner along for their own selfish benefit , pretty much making them unaware of what is coming to them , basically leaving the dumped person dumbfounded and clueless about why their partner is leaving them in the first place. It’s sadly another selfish trait that most people have within themselves. I feel it’s so wrong to dump someone without giving them a valid reason as to why you are dumping them to begin with. Sadly a lot people on this planet , only think about what is best for themselves and don’t consider anyone else’s feelings especially their soon to be ex partner , just because you aren't happy in a relationship with someone , doesn’t give you a right to be selfish and not give them a honest valid reason as to why you no longer want to be with them. People that can’t give a valid reason are selfish people that only care about themselves. If you cheated on them? Telll them you cheated , if you met someone else , tell them you met someone else. Sadly a lot of people don’t do this because they already know they are selfish piece of shit that only care sabout themselves and they can’t admit to themselves that they were wrong. By giving your soon to be ex partner a valid reason , helps them move on as well , and helps them understand why you left them in the first place , it gives them closure , if you are scared to tell them to their face , tell them through a letter or text message if you are scared to tell them the reason why to their face. By not giving a valid reason, makes you a Piece of shit selfish person period, people that do this type of shit to other people , I pray for Karma to kick them straight in the ass because they deserve every second of it

[Tina1979]

I've left my fiance 3 times because of his lies, infidelity and it just won't ever stop. He's still doing it. He wanted me back this time, told him if he pulled that shit one more damn time I was going to be permanently done. I have to get my shit together then go. Yes, it's going to be a shock to him because he thinks he's got me fooled into believing his bs but I'm way too smart for him so I'll let him believe that I fell for his bs. I always give a valid reason even though he denies it, I print out the proof I found. I take pics of what I found them print them out and tell him to look in his phone and he will see what I found and that it was from his phone. With that, he deserves bad karma and I just need a decent man in my life that isn't addicted to having 1 woman and also these online girlfriends and sex chat sites. I deserve way better than this. I deserve honesty and respect and he hasn't given that to me in a very long time.

[Tina1979]

I've given this mfer 3 chances! And yet he still does this shit. He knows I have nowhere else to go right now so I'm stuck for now but I try to talk to him to get him to understand things but he won't have any part of it so I'm fine being dumb staying with someone who I know lies to me and does me wrong. When you're in a relationship you don't text, call, email, go on chat sites of any kinds or dating sites period. That all is a type of cheating. Cheating isn't just physical

[Finchie40]

I’m sorry to hear you are going through this. And I am not judging you or criticizing you , but My question to you is? Why did you even take him back after the first time he cheated on you? Or even the second time? That should have been your answer right there to leave his ass completely. Whatever the reason may be ? take this as a learning lesson in your life , to never tolerate this nonsense ever again in your life. In your situation you are best to focus on yourself and not fall for any more of his bullshit , and make your plans to get away from him for good, especially if you have solid evidence that he has been doing this shit behind your back. When someone cheats on you , you don’t need any explanation as to why you are leaving them , they dug their own grave by being a piece of shit. If I was you , I would pack my bags and try to move on with a friend or a family member and get away from that person as soon as possible and tell them to Go Fuck Themselves.

[IslaTheWitch]

I was the person who brought the break up in my first long term relationship. It was a logical movement and in the end we agreed on it. But I think it was somehow easier for me, because I was prepared, i was the initiator... of course it takes months or years to sort emotions out and recover... but now... a few months ago I was just told that we divorce... I still can't get over it... can't move on...

my friends tell me to meet people... men... to give someone the chance to heal me... but I can't. I closed myself in my shell.

[Anonymous]

For me it’s so much easier to move on being the dumpee. I hate being the dumper bcs I hate being the bearer of bad news… I had to dump my ex bcs he would’t pull the plug to ask for a breakup and it was so much more heartbreaking. Saying the word “I think we should break up” out loud was one of the hardest things that I ever had to say.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Yes,

Being a dumper doesn’t leave you with any choice, you are true to yourself, knowing you don’t bear the guilt of hurting someone.

No regrets, no doubts.

You are just accepting it.

Being the dumper though - Can fill you with the doubts that maybe you didn’t make a right choice, you hurt a good person who cared for you,

You made a choice you might regret.

I’m can imagine it can be very painful too.

[Opinion Owner]

Exactly! If you realize that you did made the wrong choice to break up (being the dumper) then it won’t be easy for you to go back on your own words and try to win the other person back… I much prefer to be the one being dumped tbh

[Tina1979]

That's not the case in every situation. My fiance, I left him 3 times. This is his 4th chance and he still hasn't learned his lesson. He will never stop going on dating sites, sex chat sites, etc. He said he was totally heartbroken last time I left and the time before and the 1st time but if that's the case and he really loves me and wants to spend forever with me then he wouldn't be doing what he's doing when I told him if I ever caught him with this shit again it would permanently be over. I just need to wait it out a little longer to see if he continues, should I keep finding shit then I will get my shit together and move on but it'll take some time. I'm a strong woman so I got this

[Opinion Owner]

@Tina1979 babes honestly you’ve given him too many chances already and he has blown it three times. You deserve so much better… he’s taking you and your love for granted. I’m so sorry you had to deal with all that

You’re right, sometimes being the dumper hurts more especially when you see them walking away so casually as if the relationship didn’t mean much to them. But often times, the dumpee may look like they’ve easily moved on bcs they’ve also checked out of the relationship months before the actual break up

[Paris13]

I never Recall Being Dumped. But I Will Say-----It Hurts Like Crazy when You Dump Such as a First Love and No Reply to My Dear John Letter... xxoo

[KokoroRamen]

I had a good buddy who was a real ladies' man. Guys like him like variety, because they can. But he had a heart of gold, so he just figured out ways to get the girls to dump HIM. For him, being dumped is way less painful than being the dumper.

[Paris13]

@KokoroRamen I am Not sure about That But I did Feel Guilty and No Closure on My Last One but Now, We are a Bit as a Companionship Relationship. lolxxoo

[AviatorTom]

It hurts to get dumped. Whenever I did the dumping, after an initial feeling of grief, it actually felt good, empowering both of us to move forward.

[coachTanthony]

I think the dumper has dumped the person in their head a million times so when the time does come it's a pretty smooth transaction at least on your end. You might feel bad especially if they cry or get upset but that is the way of life.

[KrakenAttackin]

The dumper gets the same thrill as being the head of a firing squad. Shots ring out than on to the next.

[Pinay_ako]

One time it did hurt. I had to break up with him to let myself go, even though I still loved him but I felt like it was a one way street.

[bobalife]

At least for me it wasn’t always easy because you care, but you decided to let go of the person you care and making that decision to choose yourself…
It does hurt and it hurts to hurt someone you care about. But it also does make it a little easier for the dumper to move on in most cases I would think.

[Anonymous]

This is a truthful opinion even if it might hurt to know. If I dump someone, I usually don't care about him and I don't care how it hurts him and how much it's painful to him. If he begs me a lot, I might show him some sympathy but I don't get hurt by dumping him. It's as I don't wanna see him anymore in my life and I'm not comfortable with him either. It's a feeling of discarding and pushing something into garbage. But there are some people who dumps due to unavoidable situations also but it is very rare situation and they get hurt by dumping others too. Eg. I might dump some guy even if I like him if I sense him that he have a girlfriend and he broke up with her to get into relationship with me. In that situation also no sympathy on him either I simply push him until he realises his ex love and go back to her

[Opinion Owner]

Being dumped hurts because one feels discarded, undervalued and unwanted. Self love is the key not to feel negative feelings. Those who don't have self love gets their hearts broken after someone breaks their hearts or dumps them. Those who have self love ignores the person who dumps them and live their best lives

[TommyMountainFigure]

I give my all to a relationship to keep it alive. Once it is beyond repair, I can't get out quick enough. It feels like a weight has been lifted.
Any hurt I feel, I feel whilst it has a chance of repair!
Once I'm done? That's it. I'm done. No looking back with regard to feelings. I can still be friends if the split is amicable, but NEVER anything more!

[Wsx2wsx2ws]

I would like to know this. My xwife turned into a relentless monster who keeps attaching me 25 years after our divorce.
Another girl that was interested in me turned around and accused me of theft and other things. I got a self righteous text from her about a year after never seeing her again.
So in my case I don't think they hurt.
I have never dumped anyone. I either moved or thy did (when I was younger)
Currently I make it clear I only want friends.

[Tina1979]

The fiance I have now is on chance number 4. He's on the verge of permanently losing me. It literally crushed me to the core to leave him. But he won't be honest with what he's doing and won't admit to doing what I find on his phone so for my own good I've left him. I told him this time, let me find 1 more thing and I'm gone permanently. Let me tell you, I've been back since the middle of November 2023 and I've caught him on dating and sex chat sites yet he claims either I put it there or Casper the friendly ghost went on those sites. He won't use apps. Trust me, it hurts like hell to leave the one you love, the one you thought you'd spend forever with. But you know what, it hurts even more to stay in that situation but right now, I'm stuck here. It's torture

[DJB72]

Neither is pleasant.

I ended the first relationship I had, but it wasn't a surprise to either of us. Yes, it hurt. But the relationship had actually been over for a while. We just didn't want to be the one that said it.

My second girlfriend dumped me. I was blindsided. What I didn't see coming was my friends who she met because we were a couple taking her side other than 3 guys.

[Dongie]

Wow, tough question. Let me see... it hurt a bit worse getting dropped. Like 10 million times more I guess, give or take a mil.

[shoeboxcerealcard]

No. Not even compared to being the person dumped. You leave because you don't want them anymore. If you want them then stay and make it work. But really make it work don't just say that like 99% of people do who refuse to change as people.

[Tina1979]

Sometimes, like me, I didn't want to leave but I knew he wouldn't stop his shit so I had to do what was right for me. I've given him 3 chances, he's on his 4th and final now

[Twalli]

My sister dumped the guy who was essentially her fiancee. It was tough for her, but he was being pressured by his mom and unwilling to stand up to her.

[LaurenM1997]

I’ve never been the dumper I got dumped it hurt so bad I didn’t go out the house for a week and I starved myself for a whole week and felt depressed

[Tina1979]

Girl I feel you. I lost so much weight because I actually left him because of how he treated me and because of what he was doing behind my back. I'm here again but he's about to lose me again if he don't stop. I'm 45 and want my last years to be happy ones, not high anxiety, emotional roller coaster and stress and crying and him lying to me and doing me wrong then trying to hide it

[LaurenM1997]

@Tina1979 I’m so sorry he’s putting you through that

[Cheapskate]

Dumping someone is worse, because then you feel guilty too. If you get dumped you can rationalize it like "she was a bit of a bitch anyway".

[Mikeysoda]

Absolutely! It sure can. The grief of separation is hard on both and being the one to pull the trigger can be worse sometimes.

[Tina1979]

Oh it is worse. I'm the one who has been the dumper. It killed me every time. He is now on his 4th and final chance. He's really trying hard to hide what he's doing behind my back but he's not successful. Just gotta get my shit together and move on. I don't want to because I love him to death but I gotta do whats right for me. He might have ruined me for anyone else because now, anyone I date or get involved with I will not trust them when it comes to cyber cheating

[Jay-_-]

Yes I had to dump someone it hurt like hell mostly when I was sitting there watching her cry until she stopped, saw her go numb in that same moment. Never again, ill wait an eternity to find the right one if I have too. God got me 🙏🏼🤞🏼💯✝️🛡️

[RingOfFire]

I hate being the dumper. Unfortunately it has happened to me way too many times in my life. It's painful to the max. I cannot stand hurting a woman.

[Knightwatch27]

Sure. Though I'd say it hurts you more for the other person whom you're breaking up with. At least in my experience. You don't want to hurt them but it just isn't working out.

[sheikalana]

It doesn't hurt but is not an easy position to be in either.