My ex totally mishandled our breakup. How should I be with her moving forward?

[JT017]

So long story, my ex and I had a mutual breakup. We were 16 years together, high school sweethearts. We have a 12-year-old child together. Less than 2 weeks after we broke up she tells me she's already dating someone from work. I haven't even moved out yet. Everything was going smoothly until this happened. It really hurt that she moved on so quickly and she really didn't seem to care. She said that the new guy wanted to wait until I moved out but she said that it was her idea to push through with it.

She still says that she wants to be friends since we grew up together and have so many memories. So 2 days ago, we have a discussion about that very issue. I told her that there's no way I can see us being friends in the future because how much she disregarded my feelings in this whole thing. She tells me the hurt I'm feeling is the same thing she went throughout our relationship.

I'm here thinking that we chose to end it on good terms but now she's rubbing every mistake I did in our 16 years in order to justify her acting like a heartless person during the post break up period. Somehow that's karma in her eyes. She has twice the amount of screw-ups and at a much higher degree than me but I didn't say anything because I want a good enough relationship that I want to keep seeing my daughter without fighting.

So my question is how do I move forward from this? She obviously does not see what she's putting me through as a problem so if I want to disassociate then I'm the bad guy. All I want to do is see my daughter.

[Oliverlogan263]

Man, that really sucks what she put you through. I can't believe after being together that long, she barely gave you any time before moving on. And then to throw it in your face like that, super disrespectful.

It's good you told her straight up you can't be friends right now. I wouldn't want to be friends with her either after how she handled things. She's just trying to justify her own actions by bringing up past issues from your relationship. That's such a low blow.

Moving forward, I'd keep things civil for your daughter's sake, but keep your distance from her emotionally. Be polite at handoffs, but don't get sucked into long conversations where she can hurt you more. Show her actions have consequences - you need space, and that's reasonable after a 16-year relationship ending like this.

Focus on yourself for now. Spend time with your friends and family who support you. In time, hopefully you can both co-parent in a calm way without being "friends." But don't feel bad about protecting your heart - you did nothing wrong here and deserve better than how she treated you after the breakup. Stay strong, man.

[PeachyPie93]

Just don't worry about being friends, she obviously was wanting to be with that guy before you split up. Just worry about seeing your daughter and not her.

[Anonymous]

She left u because u hurt her. Stop gaslighting her for reacting fir your abuse

[JT017]

Not really. We were pretty open about talking about our problems. She knew that she was very impulsive and would lash out and I would keep a grudge about her being borderline abusive so we started to drift apart. The more I closed off, the more she let her temper lash out.

I don't know where you got the idea I just gaslight here. There's so much detail I can put from a 16-year relationship I cannot fit it all in one question. There's a reason why we lasted 16 years. If I did gaslight she would have told me, believe me she told me everything I did wrong. But gaslighting was not something she said. it was mutual, like I said.