Should I allow my ex back in my children’s life?

[Anonymous]

I have two kids and my exhusband got up and just left me with the kids right after i birthed my second child. He never called or asked about them he did not invest a dime towards the kids he essentially did nothing at all. He called me and apologized and left. He now has a new wife and a kid and he is asking me to allow him back into their lives. I am just baffled he left me and claimed he wants no kids but had a kid with her the same year. He is now claiming he was a young fool and wants to fix things. I obviously hate this man but i don’t want for my hatred to blind me and take away the opportunity for my kids to have a father… what would you do?

[BeeNee]

As the parent that has been in your child's lives, even if you feel as though the children should have the ability to see their father, you MUST think first about protecting them. So far, your ex has not proven that he is a stable enough presence to be trusted to maintain a healthy relationship with his kids. This is a trust that must be built up over time.

If your kids are old enough now, you need to explain to them in simple enough terms what this relationship will look like. Make it clear that they have a say in whether they see their father, but that you will only allow it if the relationship remains healthy.

Then without the kids, you need to walk through with your ex, what you allowing him to see them actually means. It should mean, he shows up when he says he will. He drops them off and picks them up on time, he attempts to show up for things like basketball games or story time (no clue how old your kids are) as much as he can, and he acts like a father to your kids. You must also iron out what is and isn't okay in terms of your parenting rules because he will have no clue...i.e bed times, are the kids allowed snacks before dinner, do they have to do homework before play, etc. He must respect these rules as he has no right, at this point, to make these decisions when he hasn't been around.

I would also suggest initially only allowing brief meetings when you are present until the kids get adjusted a bit more and you can establish that this will be safe for them mentally, to be around their dad again. Hopefully for your kids sake, it goes well, but if it doesn't, you have to be Mama Bear and not allow your ex to continue to hurt your kids because that's not healthy or fair to them. His parenting will be about his actions, not just promises to do things.

[MemeSupreme]

ehhhhh

he needs to earn it but he's probably gonna fuck up in some other way. he abandoned you already before so he'll do something else shitty

[RetroReviews]

We all do dumb things and make mistakes as a guy who's dad left when I was 2 years old and I never had a father figure growing up. One thing about my life I wish I could have experienced. So if he's willing to not cause drama but genuinely wants to be dad to them I would say don't let your hatred for him deprive your children of their father in their life so yes I would say let him. Cuz kids do need it mother and father in their life. That's how God set it up and that's what I believe.

[OlderAndWiser]

Tell him that you are willing to gradually allow him back into the children's lives, but he needs to start paying child support in an amount determined by law (NOT by what HE thinks is reasonable) and that he also needs to pay for past due child support that he never paid. His reaction will show you how serious he is about wanting to be a father.

[TommyMountainFigure]

If I were you? I would consult a lawyer. I have heard stories of guys marrying someone else and then claiming the ex wife was unfit to be a mother in the hope of taking her kids away.

They weren't successful, but still it had to go to court.. I would nip it in the bud straight away. Your kids are far better off with a loving mother than someone you simply cannot trust!

I'm not saying that's his plan, but you cannot take chances!

[JacobJordan]

What I would do is tell him if he wants back in he needs to make up for the x years he was gone. However much you spent split in half. If he wants to come back he can pay the half to show he is serious. Actions > words

[ProbablyClueless]

Without knowing anything about the guy, I would say that it is generally better to have the father in the kids' lives.

That being said... some guys are definitely better to keep away.

[exitseven]

I am really sorry that this happened to you. It is a bad situation. You should get an attorney and get child support from this guy. Then he can see his kids.

[slatyb]

Sorry, you can't control this. You can refuse to let him see them but he can file for visitation. Have you filled for support?

[BeeNee]

It is unlikely that a court will look favorably on any parent who abandoned their children and has not paid any form of child support. Courts try to look for stability for the sake of the children, and this father has not proven at this point, that he has the children's best interest at heart. Just saying you want to be there after doing literally nothing for X years, isn't enough.

[slatyb]

@BeeNee does he owe support?

[BeeNee]

I'm not involved in this relationship, so you'd have to ask the asker, but abandonment with the knowledge that you have children, does not bode well in the court system. This isn't about what's best for him or her, it's about what is best for the kids and someone who just leaves is not someone courts look favorably on.

[MsProsperity]

If he left before, he’s likely to leave again. I say don’t allow him

[Apple1996]

Maybe overtime if he can prove himself as being a decent father

[Anonymous]

You have to put yourself in your kids shoes here. Think of what is best for them. It’s possible your ex is telling the truth about being young and feeling he wasn’t ready to step up.

[Staximus]

It would be worse if he stared building a relationship with your kids and abandoned them again. It would be better for them to not see him if he's going to do that.

[nawtee_me]

Get full Custody through the courts first, you can always change it later if you want to. He has a wife and a kid and might convince a judge that he could take care of them better than you.

[Revolutioner_83]

the right thing is to let go of past mistakes and let him be the father of your children.

[Twalli]

Ask your kids.

[MsProsperity]

Unfortunately they can’t decide for themselves, they’re young

[Twalli]

@MsProsperity I'm not saying that they should make the final decision, but ome has no knowledge of him and the other may not remember much if him. Yet they might actually want some contact with their birth father.