Long story short, my ex fiance and I coparent 2 kids together. We were previously engaged but did not make it to marriage due to cheating on his end. When our kids were born, I put my last name on their birth certificates and planned on changing it to his last name once him and I got married but now that we have broken up, he is still wanting their last names changed. We have a civil relationship. What is the right thing to do?
- Anonymous(45 Plus)5 mo
As a legal matter, each state sets the rules and if there is any dispute you may end up consulting an attorney. Indeed, my own experience may not clarify much.
When I first got my girlfriend pregnant, we talked about getting married but for a variety of reasons we decided that marriage was not for us. We have since lived together for about 12 years and have had two more children. (The last planned, the first one, as noted, unplanned. The second also unplanned though under he circumstances perhaps predictable,) In that case, we gave the children my last name. Mostly for convenience.
My girlfriend and I truly love each other so this was not hard. As I say, we simply decided that he idea of marriage - an expensive ring, a big ceremony and a permission slip from the state - detracted from the naturalness of what we share.
However, I actually have an older son. This is going to sound like a bad movie, but I had a one nigh stand with a woman and got her pregnant. She decided not to tell me and then, as he was becoming a teen - he is 14 now - she decided he ought to know his dad. So - and I give her a lot of credit for tracking me down because we really did not know each other - and she introduced us.
At first, I won't lie, it was awkward but I now love my son as much as my three older children and we have a good relationship. Though to add that I generally only see him on weekends, some holidays and for three weeks in summer.
In his case, he his mother's last name and that is consistent with state law, even though I now know my son. I would not challenge that because not only does he think of himself by his mother's last name, but it would be a mess to try to change everything over. Although I still don't know his mother all that well, we get along and this seems to work.
Bottom line, unless the law stipulates otherwise, I would recommend doing what works best for your children. You say you get along with your children's dad so talk it over with him.
Sorry, I know that is a somewhat generic answer. However, it is worked has best for me and my children. Not only for legal purposes but in their personal lives as well. I've done it both ways with my children based on THEIR circumstances, and that has worked best.
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Most Helpful Opinions
- 5 mo
Girl, that's a tough situation. Here's what I would consider:
- Legally, the kids usually get the mother's last name if the parents aren't married. Since your name is on the birth certificates already, they're already established with your name.
- However, your ex does have parental rights too. Changing the name could make him feel more bonded to the kids. But it could also cause issues down the line if your co-parenting relationship changes.
- Have an open conversation with your ex about why the name change is important to him. Listen without judgment. Then share your perspective too - that the kids already have your name established.
- Consider coming to a compromise, like hyphenating their last names if you're both open to it. Or letting the kids decide when they're older which name they prefer.
- At the end of the day, do what you truly feel is best for the kids. Not what your ex or anyone else wants, but what you think will cause the least stress or confusion for them long term.
- Could consult a lawyer to understand the legal implications too. But try to work it out between you as co-parents first if possible.
It's a balancing act. Just make the decision together in the kindest way for your kids. Hope this helps give you both perspective to figure it out! You've got this mama.00 Reply
- Anonymous(18-24)5 mo
I'm pretty sure it's not mandatory anymore. You don't have to change the children's names if you don't want to. He may be able to take you to court over it tho, if he really cares that much, so I would recommend having a serious talk with him about it. Maybe you could come to a compromise, or an understanding.
For functionality, it's best in most cultures for the kids to have the last name of the parent who has them the most. Also hyphenation could be an option, so they have both last names instead of just yours or just his. You know why you want them to have your last name, so find out why he wants them to have his, and then try to figure out an amicable solution if you can.
if you can't, you'll have to weigh the pros and cons of what this disagreement could do to the relationship and your kids sense of stability, should he not be willing to compromise and even take you to court over it and start pitting the kids against you or him. That would not be good. A compromise would be best if you can reach one.
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- 5 mo
There isn't a right answer. It's really a decision you need to make together. However, my 2 cents: just because you are no longer with him does not mean your kids are no longer his children. If you're civil and he is in their lives I see no reason why you wouldn't change their last names to his.
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What Girls & Guys Said
Opinion
14Opinion
526 opinions shared on Break Up & Divorce topic. Each state has their own rules and regulations when a child is born , so you are best to look up the laws in your area , usually the child will get the fathers’ last name when the child is born , whether the couple is married or not , some states automatically put the mothers’ name, if she isn’t married to the father. So since your last name is on the birth certificate? The , only way he can have it changed, is if he contacts vital records in your area and fills out forms to have it changed to his last name , the only way he can do that , is if you agree to sign as well, if you don’t sign he is shit out of luck.
00 Reply- u5 mo
What is the custom in your culture?
00 Reply - 5 mo
It depends on your country's laws and what they allow you to do...
For example here in my country the kids aren't allowed to hold the mother's name and kids who are born without marriage will have future problems because they consider them as "non registered"...
Anyways, kids should hold the father's name, all the family must hold thr father's name, the wife and kids but in today's world i really don't know what to say because everything has changed!
I agree for a single mother to give her name for her kids if she's fully taking care of them, like why would a non responsible jackass father gived his name to kids that never saw or cared about!
00 Reply - 5 mo
You do what you think is best. Most do tend to take their dad’s name but it depends on the circumstances. How do you feel about your children having is last name? I know some folk also use to hyphen both last names.
00 Reply - 5 mo
They should have their fathers last name. I always hated that my mom gave me hers since she was mad at my dad when she had me. Plus my moms last name is shit compared to my dads.
00 Reply - 5 mo
If I were him, I'd get get a DNA test on the kid too verify it's his. After all one in ten men have or are raising kids that aren't theirs cuz of their partners infidelities.
00 Reply First come first served. You gave them your surname. He'll just have to deal with it.
Alternatively you could do the Game of Thrones thing and come up with a special surname for the little bastards.00 Reply- 5 mo
Just hyphenate it, it's an easy split so both parties are happy. And if he doesn't want that, poor him
00 Reply My nieces and nephew all have their father’s last name and they aren’t married. I don’t think there’s really a right or wrong thing to do.
00 Reply- 5 mo
who will they be staying with majority? i'd put their name.
00 Reply - 5 mo
Typically boys get the mans last name. Girls get the woman's last name. Ultimately though it will depend on both of you coming to an agreement
00 Reply - Anonymous(25-29)5 mo
I would leave them as is if the relationship is ending. There's no reason to put the kids through a name change that may just confuse them, depending on their age.
00 Reply - 5 mo
You don't owe him anything tbh. Is he pushing hard or more of a request? Will this be a significant wedge in your civil relationship?
00 Reply My cousin's daughter has her father's last name despite the fact that my cousin has full custody. Considering he has 3 other kids with as many different women, I'm not sure if he even fought for it.
00 ReplyWhoever registers the child chooses the their name, here it is either their mother or the father if they r married to the mother
00 Reply402 opinions shared on Break Up & Divorce topic. That’s up to the parents to decide.
00 ReplyDepends, do the kids go to school?
00 Reply- 5 mo
Fuck him. (Figuratively, of course.)
00 Reply 2.2K opinions shared on Break Up & Divorce topic. That's for the parents to decide
00 Reply- 5 mo
Yes.
00 Reply 692 opinions shared on Break Up & Divorce topic. usually, yes.
00 Reply2.3K opinions shared on Break Up & Divorce topic. Yes always
00 Reply- 5 mo
Yes they do normally
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