Should I ask my ex why he treated me badly?

Question

Guy I was dating broke up a month ago. Reason was totally workable. After break up, I went no contact. My sadness comes in waves. While break up was amicable and he wanted to stay in touch as friends, he said few harsh things to me which I now recall every day.
I always treated him nicely and I feel like asking him why he treated me so badly. Should I do that?
I know not saying anything is probably the best idea but I want to hear opinions from people here.

Oliverlogan263 · Accepted Answer

Ah man, that's a tough situation. Breakups always suck, even if they're mostly amicable. I get why you'd be thinking about the harsh stuff he said and wanting some answers. It's only natural to want to understand why someone treated you that way, especially since you were trying to be nice to him the whole time.

I don't know exactly what went down between you guys, but from what you said it doesn't really sound like confronting him about it is going to make you feel any better. Chances are he's probably not just gonna suddenly apologize or give you a good reason for being a jerk. Most people aren't that self-aware. More likely it'll just turn into an awkward conversation where you'll end up even more confused or upset.

I'd say try to let it go if you can. I know that's way easier said than done - believe me, I've been there trying to get over stuff girls have said or done before. But dwelling on it is only going to drag out feeling crappy. Maybe give it another month or two without contacting him at all, focus on yourself and hanging with friends. Eventually the hurt will fade more even if the questions don't go away completely.

If you're really not able to move past it without some answers, I guess a simple text like "Hey, been thinking about some of the things you said when we broke up, just wondering about your perspective" wouldn't be the worst idea. But be prepared for the possibility he just won't respond or will brush it off without really explaining. And definitely don't get your hopes up that it will make you feel better right away.

Breakups suck, but you've gotta take care of yourself first. Don't waste more time on someone who wasn't treating you right, you know? Hang in there - it'll get easier to deal with over time.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I can relate to how you feel. I have one in ex particular who talked to me like I was less then human after breaking up. She did this despite initially saying “don’t be a stranger” and having an agreement to keep things friendly (not the same as friends). I accepted the relationship was over but a part of me still loved her. I told that straight to her face when she broke up with me.

The person doing the breaking up usually has the advantage in recovery. They have already made a decision they can live without you and are ready to accept that in their future. They usually already took the time to think everything through.

But as agonizing as it is I don’t recommend reaching out to your ex about this. I understand why you want to do it. You want closure. But they might go from bad to worse if they were already willing to talk to you that way.

But I understand how you feel. Some of things my last ex said to me haunted me for years. But as a man I have accepted that I am “expendable” when it comes to female judgment. Once she determines she no longer sees in value in me then she could care less how I feel.

Damaged00 · Accepted Answer

You say the break up was amicable but I don't believe it was if he was treating you badly after the break up. It seems to me that he wouldn't work on the issues between you guys and is upset because you set boundaries and we're able to walk away when he wasn't willing to put in the effort. He lashed out at you because of this. He probably wouldn't admit any of this if you asked. He could lie. So does it really matter what he says? Him treating you badly was uncalled for and you know you treated him fairly so it doesn't matter. It's not your fault nor is it your problem. Let him live with it. You focus on you.

Luv2BRealExotic13 · Accepted Answer

No, people like that know what they did. It’s best to move on and you’ll never get an apology. If you can recall the harsh things that’s your closure it’s probably best to seek a therapist if you feel like the grieving process gets to be too sad for you.

Finchie40 · Answer

No, just move on , he isn’t worth anymore of your time , and ex is an ex for a reason , keep it that way , his words shouldn’t matter to you whatsoever, most people say stupid shit when they break up with someone , it’s an immature behavior that most people possess so by you not acting on it , makes you the mature person and the stronger person , when he realizes you have moved on for good and no longer waste anymore of your time on him , will eat him alive that his words had no effect on you. If you ever run into him again? Just ignore him and act like he doesn’t exist.

melnc · Answer

Remaining friends after all of that is considered an insult. Why stay friends for what reason?  If he didn't respect you as a partner, how would he respect you as friends? Show some self respect  🤨

DishLady · Answer

No, just get tf away from him.

imtiaz45 · Answer

Asking your ex why they treated you badly can be a way to seek closure and understanding, but it’s important to consider your emotional readiness. Reflect on whether the conversation will contribute positively to your healing or if it might reopen wounds. If you decide to ask, approach it with a focus on your own healing rather than seeking validation. Be prepared for any response, including the possibility that you might not get the answers you hope for. Prioritize your well-being and consider if moving forward without this conversation might be more beneficial for your emotional recovery.

lightbulb27 · Answer

Because he can't face being vulnerable and addressing issues on his side, he's not mature yet.

Beyond that, I doubt he could give you a good answer and likely deflect onto you.

You really should know what was going on and have an idea if were dating for a while. That helps you sort out your side of it and how you can choose better... because you chose to date him and subconscious issues are relavent. Learning lessons gives you confidence be wiser next time. If just dating a few weeks, doesn't matter that much unless you are looking for his views for you to improve yourself.

DJB72 · Answer

If he treated you badly while you were in the relationship, he'll be infinitely worse.

I can tell you why.

He's insecure and ignorant. He has no idea what a man is supposed to bring to the relationship and he's probably lied to you all the way through it. Why would you want to give him the chance to hurt you again?

RavVid · Answer

Well if you approach it well and don't do it it in a can we get back together way, I don't see any problem.

If you said you thought you were treating him well and ask how you could have treated him better without any debate I think he ought to happy to tell you

BetaBucks · Answer

If it's been a few months, without too much contact, he'll probably give you a helpful answer. But, if it comes to your weight or hygiene, he'll probably still lie to you. Guys can't seem to stomach telling a girl "you got too fat" or "your pussy smelled really bad." Or even the "I violated your privacy and saw you talking to your ex and/or cheating."

sawno · Answer

You could but do you expect him to give a honest feedback when you ask him that? Because in many situations he will be defensive, might blame things on you unfairly, etc. I don't think it will be the honest answer your hoping for.

Anonymous · Answer

I wouldn’t unless it’s a serious matter that needs to be discussed. I would keep “no contact”. A lot of people will play the victim, try to guilt you, and everything else to make it seem like it’s your fault. That they can do zero wrong. That’s how sone people act irs who they choose to be. So

Lonewolf1974 · Answer

Please don't say anything because later on down the line he's going to regret what he did you then karma is going to rear her ugly head he lost the best thing to ever happen to him move on to someone who will love you for who you are because you deserve better

caitycat21 · Answer

Absolutely not, don’t let this person waste any more of your time than he already has. You deserve way better !

BCRanger10 · Answer

I seriously doubt he'll see whatever he did as bad treatment. People like that will make excuse after excuse, as will those whom they've harmed. I wouldn't waste my time with it.

MisterWack · Answer

Forgive, never forget. Move on from him, you deserve better. Don’t let him get to you and don’t go searching for answers just forgive, never forget and move on forever.

OfMiceandMen · Answer

I think if you asked that, even though it should be something you should be able to ask, it would turn from an amicable break-up to one where he says something that is not very nice.

itsannalee · Answer

No, ex is ex… Just move on. My ex also hate me even though I left him because he cheated on me. But i don’t care. His hate doesn’t make me poor or effects me.

jazzy34 · Answer

No. Don’t you want to heal and move on with your life? If so, don’t contact him. I’m willing to bet he won’t know what you’re talking about and find a way to blame  you  for the breakup.

UnicornLobotomy · Answer

At your age you should now how to select partners better. No, the answer doesn’t matter. Be careful out there.

spartan55 · Answer

You're going to have to be specific about what he said, why he broke up, etc. Would he say you were always nice to him? Etc.

Razp_Sorbet · Answer

Would his response change the way you feel? Whatever it may be. The answer is probably not. It's best to just move on.

LiamJHayden · Answer

0x9=0 1x9=8 2x9=18 3x9=27 4x9=36 5x9=45 6x9=54 7x9=63 8x9=72 9x9=81 The nine correct things will be ignored and the one error will stick with us.

getpucksin · Answer

He treated you badly because he felt like he could. There aren't any reasons for that other than his own feelings, and there's nothing you could have done, it isn't your fault.

Massageman · Answer

You can ask, but don't be surprised if there is no response, or the answer is WAY off of the mark.

Staximus · Answer

How about you just let him fuck off into the sunset 🌅

Enes38 · Answer

Don't say anything or even block her from reaching you.

worldscolide · Answer

No, he is your ex. He isn't worth talking to if he treated you badly.

FarmBoy13 · Answer

Totally up to you, just remember if you ask the question you shouldn’t be upset over the answer……. Even if he plays the blame game

OhLongJohnsoning · Answer

Why remain friends with someone who's "mean to you"

noohair · Answer

Leave it alone. The male ego is as fragile as an egg, once broken, it does not fix well.

dragoblack · Answer

Move on. Guys like that have no emotional maturity or emotional intelligence

MasterKS · Answer

Take the revenge, high time to show him how worthy you are!

dsrice071966 · Answer

I would move on - He hurt you and he does not deserve you.

Anonymous · Answer

Awww you deserve better don’t text him or entertain him at all.

WhitneySnow · Answer

You should ask him

onedarkcloud · Answer

LEAVE A SLEEPING DOG ALONE!

In_Trance · Answer

Stop interacting with your ex

HelpfulWoman · Answer

nope. no point

Should I ask my ex why he treated me badly?

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