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So my ex had the power in the relationship from the very beginning. Everything was on her terms, and she is very controlling. She started to realize she was controlling. I love to cook and I wanted to cook for her, but she just couldn’t let me cook on my own. She would either be trying to help or making criticisms the entire time about how I was doing it. So I slowly just stopped cooking on my own, I would cook with her but I stopped trying to do something special, unless I could cook it before she got there.
She loves to travel, I do too but I was not exactly in a good financial position to, but we did anyway. Because most every trip was something she brought up and she has lived in many countries and traveled a lot more than me, she did all the planning for the trips. I would help where needed but again, this was all her thing. We traveled basically every month, and it was always a very complicated trip. She didn’t just want to go to a place, most of our trips had multiple flights during around to the different places. If it was something for me, I’d handle scheduling all of that.
We share a credit card, she is very good with excel and I am not. The first time we had our credit bill come in, she exported all the info, put it into an excel, added formulas to split the costs and assigned them to a person. This is something she did and was out of my expertise.
I found out that she is extremely bitter that I don’t cook for her, and don’t plan the trips and don’t split the finances. And this is the first I’m hearing that, and at least for the last two, I don't know what she wants from me. The trips were something she wanted to do, and the trips were only so hard to plan because she didn’t just want to go to one place, she wanted to go to as many places as she could every time and I didn’t know what she wanted and at that point me doing it would be a waste of time.
She loves to travel, I do too but I was not exactly in a good financial position to, but we did anyway. Because most every trip was something she brought up and she has lived in many countries and traveled a lot more than me, she did all the planning for the trips. I would help where needed but again, this was all her thing. We traveled basically every month, and it was always a very complicated trip. She didn’t just want to go to a place, most of our trips had multiple flights during around to the different places. If it was something for me, I’d handle scheduling all of that.
We share a credit card, she is very good with excel and I am not. The first time we had our credit bill come in, she exported all the info, put it into an excel, added formulas to split the costs and assigned them to a person. This is something she did and was out of my expertise.
I found out that she is extremely bitter that I don’t cook for her, and don’t plan the trips and don’t split the finances. And this is the first I’m hearing that, and at least for the last two, I don't know what she wants from me. The trips were something she wanted to do, and the trips were only so hard to plan because she didn’t just want to go to one place, she wanted to go to as many places as she could every time and I didn’t know what she wanted and at that point me doing it would be a waste of time.
Updates
4 mo
I completely understand being frustrated if you feel like you are doing everything, but she controlled everything. And some of the stuff was stuff I didn’t know how to do or were things she specifically wanted to do. For me; the person who initiates the plan to travel, is the one who plans it.
What Girls & Guys Said
Opinion
2Opinion
Dude, that's rough. It sounds like your ex was really controlling the whole relationship, and now she's trying to put all the blame on you for stuff that wasn't even your fault. That sucks.
It's messed up that she was so critical of you trying to cook for her. If that's something you enjoy, she should have been more supportive instead of just taking over. And the whole travel thing - it makes sense that if she was the one planning all these complex trips, she'd be the one in charge of that. You can't be expected to just take over something so complicated that she already had a handle on.
The finances thing is a bit trickier, but it sounds like she just really likes having that control and is bitter that you didn't step up more. Even if you're not as good with Excel, there are ways you could have contributed. But she seems to have just taken that over completely.
The bottom line is, she had a lot of control in this relationship and now she's blaming you for not doing things her way. That's not fair at all. You didn't know what she wanted from you, and she never communicated that properly. She can't just expect you to read her mind.
I know it sucks to have all this stuff brought up after the breakup, but try not to let it get you down too much, man. It sounds like she had some pretty unreasonable expectations, and that's not your fault. Focus on taking care of yourself and learning from this experience. You'll find someone who appreciates you for who you are.
Not doing things or doing things only because you’re told to can be seen as you placing the emotional burden of labor onto her.
I understand that, but she created the environment where I couldn’t do it. She had these big grand ideas for each trip, if I plan it, she would just take over and do it. I don’t know excel, she does, and she told me she enjoys doing organizational stuff like that. I always helped out or did my part, but she took control over those things, to the point where me helping would either makes things worse or more complicated
Then it’s good you broke up, but it explains her perceived bitterness too
Ya I understand being frustrated, but there is really nothing I could have done different, especially for those two. She just controls everything and over time I started to lose my confidence to do things on my own, because I would try and then she would criticize
stop paying attention to your ex. move on