Relationship advice to win him back?

[Anonymous]

so i came in relationship with a guy in my clg that time i wasn't fully healed so i told him about how prev guy treated me and used me.. it was all good for 6-7 months then the fights began on basic things i need this i need that i used to have lots of expectations and also i neglected the things he really did for me i never acknowledged his efforts and kept crying on mine.. i called him many things stone hearted selfish ur mom finding girls for marriage use and throw of me etc etc 100 folds of this.. after clg ended we got into long distance and then i started fighting everyday for everything also i was very cruel with my language tlwards him.. we stopped talking he broke up after 2 months of no contact i texted him he told me yes he did miss and never forgot me.. then we started talking not like relationship just for sake types i asked him for valentines he said clearly no to any romantic things nd all.. we were together for 2 years 9 months.. I don't know what to do how to get him back...

[HollyK21]

My advice is to respect his wishes and his boundaries rather than treating them like some sort of obstacle to surpass so that you can get what you want. It’s just selfish and unreceptive. That relationship was fucked up, and only got worse over time. You most likely have not made any fundamental changes because that takes real time, not 2-3 months. You’d like us to suggest ways for you to appear as though you’re the woman he needs when in reality you’re not there yet? Like just stop. Let him go and focus on yourself.

[Asker]

but love is about growing together... i have realised my mistakes and ready to change it. even im not like before i was suffering from family problms and job related issues which is y things were exaggerated

[HollyK21]

Yes, growing together within a relationship that you’re mutually working to make better. Love is not being unreceptive to what the other party wants just because YOU feel like you’ve changed and YOU want another shot. It can’t just be about what you want. If he says no more romance, then please respect that rather than treating it like a game or a challenge, it’s not right.

[HollyK21]

Do you care about what he wants? Or in this case what he doesn’t want? Or do you care but your needs are more important?

[Asker]

he kept on asking me for 1 year for second chance i kept giving him.. he said he wanted to marry me i convinced my parents and. now he denies. why did he said he miss me and now we can continue texting

[HollyK21]

Mercilina, that’s in the past. Even if it was days ago, it’s still in the past. Since then, he’s expressed not wanting romance. You can’t just skip over that and make reference to something he said before that because it gives you hope or makes you feel better. The most recent is what matters most because clearly things have changed.

[Asker]

but this feels like use and throw.. everything was good till clg.. but my heart is still not ready to accept that he doesn't love me

[HollyK21]

You’re entitled to feeling that way but different kinds of hurt just come with a breakup. It’s not meant to be a walk in the park when you really love the person. I get it, you’re having a hard time because this isn’t what you want but do you understand that this isn’t just about you? I mean almost everything you’ve said to me in this conversation is all about you:

How you’ve changed. How you feel entitled to marrying him because he’s already told your parents. How your heart isn’t ready to accept he doesn’t love you. How you were suffering with family problems and job related issues.

YOU. YOU. YOU.

Do you not see a problem with that? Him and what he wants is no where in the picture, you make no mention of what he wants NOW, just things he’s said in the past and how that apparently means more than what he wants in current time which is nothing romantic.

Why does he keep texting? Because you keep being readily available for conversation. He has no problem with you, he just doesn’t want to be with you. If this friendship isn’t enough and you can’t continue without having secret hopes for change then just do yourself a favor and block him now so you can start moving on.

[Asker]

if you dont know everything you cannot blame me saying you you you..

[HollyK21]

I don’t have to know everything about the situation to assert that in this conversation we’ve had, you’ve only talked about your own wants and needs. The ONLY things you’ve said to me in regards to how he feels is that in the past (not since he recently turned you down for Valentine’s Day).

If you disagree, the only response I would like is for you to pinpoint in this conversation where you wrote how he feels, what he’s gone through, or what he wants.

[HollyK21]

Also, I read the comments you’ve said to other people, I don't know if English is a second language or you’re just not very good at understanding but I want to be clear as possible so read slowly and process: everything you write happened BEFORE he last said he didn’t want romance. Doesn’t matter if he tried reaching you from various ways, or he wanted you to move abroad, that is all PAST TENSE.

IF since you proposed to be valentines he’s said anything about wanting to try dating again then please feel free to correct me. Otherwise, you really have to stop making those reference points just because they give you comfort and hope. What matters MOST is what happened SINCE (I’m using caps for emphasis by the way, not yelling).

When it comes to Him saying that he still has feelings for you but you’re too different and whatever, not only was that before you suggested valentines, but that was very clearly is effort to turn you down nicely. No, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feelings anymore, a relationship with you just isn’t what he wants. It’s not him giving you a hint to turn yourself inside out and become whatever woman you think he’d be more compatible with. It’s not a secret message to change for him and then he’ll take you back. Besides you can’t possibly be so desperate for his love that you’d abandon and change your whole identity for him. Fuck sake.

[Persephone02]

You can't. I know how much it hurts. But you have to let him go. It's like trying to chase a ghost. I've been there and it doesn't work no matter how much you think you may have changed. At the end of the day it has to be his choice, his decision and if he clearly said no romance then you must respect that.

I know that's hard to hear. I've been where you are twice and it's not easy. But you must walk down your own path and if somehow someway you end up crossing paths again and he wants a relationship with you again then pursue it. But I wouldn't bank on it happening.

Go your own way and try to live your life without him in it. I know that's easier said than done but you have to try. You're young so how you feel will eventually go away and you will find someone else to love. Give it time. You just need time to heal from this and you will.

[Asker]

hey thankyou so much for your words... but i really do miss him.. its just i dont understand why the fate is like that... according to him he is leaving me for my good... he cannot help me in my things and not support me.. its just like we both have feelings for each other but he feels he hurts me

[Persephone02]

You're welcome and I've been down a similar road and it doesn't do any good to dwell in it. You must move on as much as it hurts and as much as you miss him. ❤️

[Finchie40]

Well by you arguing g and fighting with him and calling him names , you are best just to move on , the damage is done and he is wise not to go back to you whatsoever. My ex became verbally abusive towards me and we ended up arguing pretty
Much everyday until I threw in the towel on her crazy ass , she then tried getting me back and I laughed and said HELL NO , it was the best decision I made for myself

[Asker]

but he still have feelings... according to him we r very diff.. i want to shift abroad and all but he doesn't.. before he wanted to.. also our religions r diff...

[Finchie40]

I still had feelings for her as well , but I knew her and I could no longer be together , it was too toxic , I am still mutual with her and still care about her , because she is the mother of my kids’ but I no longer consider her a romantic partner whatsoever, the passion is gone because of all the misery she put me through

[new-person]

One question so I can understand more clearly: after you ended it with the guy that treated you bad, how much time went by before you started to see this guy?

One month
A few months
1/2 a year
A full year 12+ months

[Asker]

5 months... still i couldnt forget him completely.. he helped me nd by 1 year i was completely done with him... he tried contacting me later on by various number to get back together

[new-person]

That is why... 5 months is not enough time to get over someone.

As you was in a relationship with the new guy. Some of you still was holding on to your ex. And as you was developed your new relationship part of you missed your ex and took it out on your new boyfriend.

Now that you are fully over him, you are ready for a relationship with the new guy. But unfortunately it is to late, you already used him in a rebound relationship (that is kind of a Band-Aid. After you use it, it is garbage). A rebound relationship never works out because part of you is still attached to your ex.

Let them both go, find someone else. And next time remember when you leave someone you have loved give yourself 8 to 12 months to fully let go and move on.

You can try apologize to the new guy, and explain what I just told you, and your anger was not about him or anything to do will him, but was because you still was attached to your ex. But taking out your anger from seperation on him, he will not ever forget and probably will assume you could do it again. So it is unlikely he will date you again, so I say, just be friends with the new guy and find someone else.

[Abbycado]

Doubt you can after the way you treated him. Why would he want you back?

[Asker]

it wasn't fully one sided though... i asked for weekly calls sometimes flowers and a bit more attention.. thats all

[Abbycado]

If it wasn't one sided, and he was equally as toxic, why would you ever want back into the relationship? Nothing is going to change.

[Asker]

i think things can change if i reduce the expectations and acknowledge him more

[WhitneySnow]

Sorry. He’s not interested in getting back together. You can’t force someone when they’re really not into the idea. Just be patient and keep talking to him and see if his feelings thaw in time.

[In_Trance]

Don't bother.
Move on

[Asker]

but we both have feelings for each other he just feels that we r diff and he isn't upto my expectations

[jahaims]

You don't deserve him. Move on

[Anonymous]

let him do anal