My girlfriend broke up with me to be herself. Girls I need your input

[MRMell]

I have been with this angel for 2.5 years. She has never been in love before, has always been treated like trash, from her 2 previous relationships. She gave me a chance and she fell madly in love with me. We got along so great, and said we wanted to be together forever. We barely fought, and we always had fun together. Just recently an old friend from high school, A girl. moved back home and she has been hanging out with her a lot. Ever since then she has been very distant and not talking to me like she used to. I think her friend has got into her head. She told me we needed to talk, so I went to see her and she said she wasn't happy, she liked being out with her friends and having fun and she didn't want to be in a relationship right now. I was so shocked coming from the girl who said I was the love of her life and soul mate, and then to change so quickly. She said a lot of things that made me feel really bad, and that she hasn't been telling me how she really feels. I told her I'm always here for her and I'm always willing to work out or problems. she said she just wants to be ME right now. I was devastated and everyday feels like a week. I'm so broken hearted. I really love this girl and we have been through so much together. We Haven't talked for two weeks, so I decided to go to her house and sit down and try to talk to her. When she answered the door, she said she couldn't talk right now and shut it in my face, without me saying one word. that really hurt. as I was walking away in tears she texted me saying it was really creepy to just show up unannounced and she was really mad at me. I told her I just wanted to talk, and show her I still care, but she said no, not tonight. I really love this girl, she never treated me like crap before and she's not being herself. Could there be another guy, I don't think there is because she is scared of relationships, and is this other girl inside her head. I just want her back, I know deep down she loves me, I just want her back, and her to come and say she loves me and she's sorry, what should I do?

Updates

+1 y

well my birthday came, I never heard a word from her.. Nothing.. Hurt pretty bad. haven't cried on my birthday for awhile. I wish I could erase her from my head..

[why-makoto-kun]

This is a hypothesis for your particular situation. Girls sometimes do their own version of the "nice guy" act, but in order to be accepted, have a boyfriend, feel secure, etc., they will act overly submissive, sacrificing themselves and even to the point of holding back on most opinions.

Maybe everything seemed great for you because she agreed with everything you said, never talked about anything difficult with you that could have turned into an argument (e.g. instead of bringing up something that bothered her and resolved it with you in a civil way, she kept quiet to be a "good girlfriend"), tried to prioritize your interests over your own (e.g. always watching the action movie with you and never requesting a chick flick), etc. I thought this partially because you said she was an "angel." Every woman has her sour side (and should let the SO know that by voicing her opinion or saying if she doesn't like something), and if you only saw the good side of her all the time, never disagreed, etc., something is up.

I only know this because I did it myself when I was really young (high school). I couldn't talk to my then boyfriend about the music I liked, jokes I wanted to make, what I really thought about situations, etc., because I was so afraid he wouldn't like me as I was, and he made fun of some of my interests, and his opinion was the be-all and end-all. This wasn't anything malicious I meant to do (dumped him "out of nowhere" after years of liking him and 4 months of dating), but I was sick of not being myself, and other issues arose that bothered me.

So, if this was the case for you, she probably did not have bad intentions, but once she met up with her friend, she may have realized that, after sharing her interests with her friend, feeling free to be herself, etc., she may have realized how much she resented you for her not feeling comfortable to be herself around you.

OR her friend is a bad influence and has turned her against you unfairly. Or there is another reason I can't think of right now.

But then again I could be completely wrong. Tell me more about the dynamics of your relationship. What was it like? What did you do? DId you do things she liked?

[why-makoto-kun]

Anyway, the bottom line is that this sucks big time for you, and my sympathy goes out to you. Like the other answerers said, giving her space is the best option right now. If you guys are meant to be together, she will contact you, or she will be receptive if you contact her a while from now. Good luck!

[MRMell]

wow your exactly right. She said all those things to me when we broke up. She said she hasn't been herself, and she has just kept quiet about things so we wouldn't argue. I think your right about her friend bringing out her true self, and she realized it. I mean I took her places she wanted to go, I took her shopping and bought her stuff, and we cuddled all the time and I always did what she asked of me, watched chick flicks etc, We did argue a lot the first year together, then they smoothed

[MRMell]

I was always there for her though, like she would tell me she had bad day at work, or people were mean to her, and I would always cheer her up and make her feel better. She Loved being around me, so I don't see how she wasn't being herself. I Mean we didn't fight very much, and she never disagreed with me so maybe, she was so scared of loosing me she agreed with everything, now that she has her friend she has all the comfort she needs plus herself. she never even came to me with how she felt.

[why-makoto-kun]

It's a mental thing. It's a self-defeating cycle. Like, when I wasn't "myself," it was only a slight change from how I would have acted had I been "myself," but it took a lot of energy and stress to get what I WISHED I was "just right." Then, the cycle perpetuates. She saw how much you loved her "fake self," so, even though she got what she wanted at the time (you liking her), it tore at her self-esteem because it was further "proof," in her mind, that you wouldn't like her for who she really is

[why-makoto-kun]

It's very difficult to keep grievances to oneself during a relationship and is a breeding ground for resentment. I'm really sorry that you had to break up from a 2.5 year relationship from this, and I'm sad for her that she didn't realize this sooner, for herself. This is a class A example of why we shouldn't give a cr@p about what others think and be ourselves from the start, just making sure we don't do stuff to hurt others. Thank you for best answer!

[MRMell]

But I don't get it. I'm sure I would love her true self just as much or even more than her fake self I would love her opinions and to hear what she thinks that would make it interesting and our love more real. I never intended to hold her back from anything I wanted her to be herself and be happy all the time why wouldn't she just be honest and give me a chance it's not fair she held herself in. I know this girl really loves me. She would randomly always call and say I make her feel so happy and

[MRMell]

So loved. She said she's never felt so happy in her entire life and she loved me more than anything and no one has ever cared about her before and always been there for her. She could always count on me to be there for her.. I think she's just really confused on who she is and is so stressed out she needs time to clear her head and let all the good memories we shared to sink in and her to remember how much I love and care for her. I just hope she remembers that and figures out that I love her

[why-makoto-kun]

It's not logical; it's like OCD or perfectionism. Heck, that's what it IS. And while some people can push us/tempt us into being that way, it sounds like you were an awesome boyfriend (better than most of mine, lol). Don't take this as about you, because it isn't/ Perhaps she will come back to you, but if not, you dodged a self-imploding bullet. Best of luck and keep us updated ok?

[MRMell]

will do, thank you for your amazing answers, you really shined a light on a dark area for me, I'm going to be patient and hope and pray that this girl finds out who she is, I really love her and she is my sun on a dark day,and I know I'm hers too. She just needs to figure this out on her own. I hope she does, and she's willing to put in effort for communication and mending our wounds. I hope she figures it out. I Pray for her everyday, I love her so. I hope she figures herself out soon.

[why-makoto-kun]

Aww thanks! That means so much to me. And like others said, the ball is on her court. I wouldn't hold my breath for it, but if it's meant to happen, I believe it will.

[why-makoto-kun]

Thank you for BA, by the way. And I'm so sorry to hear about the update. You deserve to be with a girl who is 100% herself with you and can appreciate you.

[MRMell]

I know I deserve better. It's hard to forget but I'm trying to move on. She wasn't right for me. Will keep you posted

[why-makoto-kun]

Yes, you do! And thanks, please do. :)

[DortBVB88]

This is exactly what I think happens to me in my recent break up. Why mako to can I message you my experience with my recent ex? I would greatly appreciate any additional advice you may have to offer

[Stacyzee]

Sorry, for your heartbreak.

When people involve themselves in relationships from a very early age continuously, then we often get lost in them (and don't know who we are standing alone). I think she is at the point in her life, where she wants to know who she is out without a man (because she is usually involved in a relationship). This will be the first time in her life where she doesn't have to worry about anyone else and strictly do what she wants to do.

Trust me, if she didn't tell you this and strung you along it would hurt you even more (because she'd probably do things you weren't okay with).

It has nothing to do with how you treated her, or what you two went through, its just she wants to truly experience life. Its best to get these things out of the way, rather than moving on and pretending to feel differently. I've known many people that have done this and their relationships go down hill from there. Because they are trying to act like everything is okay when it isn't. No relationship can work when two people aren't on the same page.

You are at the stage in life where you want a sweet girl to be with.

She is at the stage where she wants to have fun with friends and not have any concerns.

I know it hurts, but you have no choice to respect her decision because clearly she knows what she wants and there will be no changing her mind.

It will hurt a lot.

It will be hard.

But you must pull yourself together and move on without her.

-Delete her number(s)

-Delete her from social networking sites

-Do not contact her anymore.

-Do not visit her anymore.

Give her that space that she needs, to find herself. This is something she has to do to better herself and to grow stronger.

[MRMell]

i know, do you think after she gets this out, shell come back to me?

[Stacyzee]

It would be a happy ending if she did, and it is possible. But however, I wouldn't hope on this. Feelings change over time. There is no way of telling if she'll feel the same about you after all of this is done (and who knows how long "finding herself" will take).

[MRMell]

i feel like she's going into the world alone and once her friends leave her or get boyfriends, or she finds a new guy and he breaks her heart and treats her like crap, shell think about me and come running back.

[Stacyzee]

Life is a learning experience. She has to go through those things in order to grow and to learn.Thats going to be her journey (and she'll realize at some point whether he decision was for the best or not).

[MRMell]

very true. It sucks, I really wanted it to be our journey through life together, but I guess, things change..

[Stacyzee]

:( So sorry. I hope she realizes what she is missing before its too late.

[MRMell]

Me too... me too...

[MRMell]

got a question. my birthday is next week. If she texts me happy b day, should I ignore it? would that make her start thinking I've moved on and make her curious? or just say thanks.

[Stacyzee]

Just give her a short answer. Say, "Thanks". and nothing else.

She will think that you have moved on based on the fact that you are being short with her, because that isn't how you usually are.

[Oniro]

Hi Stancyzee, I signed up just talk to you. I am in the exact situation you described but I feel hurt by her because of the way she managed the situation and this is ruining my life.
We have been together for 7 years and started early (I was 14, she was 13) and even I there was some problems we always managed to resolve them. I can't stand the way she point blank dropped this bomb within 5 minutes. This makes me feel like she didn't thought about me and my feelings because she acted like it was better than ever, we even almost booked for a summer vacation together. I feel like she didn't thought about the timing (this may sound bad but I gave her time when she needed) because she knew that I'm in a bad period because of university and she knew that from that day I would be alone for 2 month (I study away from home like her but she but she planned to be home the week after). For the past year I reassured her about being alone and away from home and the fact that she left to be alone didn't made sense for me before but the fact tha this is appenig soon after she made new friends mekes me feel worst.
I don't think that we should stay together but but I lost the most important thing I had and I don't know how to feel good again and I don't know how to don't think about it too much.
I also don't have much hope for the future (talking about people) because this situation make me feel like maybe no one will be the right person.
Sorry if I wrote something incorrectly, English is not my language and I recently got diagnosed with dyslexia.

[helpha]

I'm sorry this is happening to you. You seem to really care about her, so you shouldn't be treated in this way. You deserve someone who feels the same way you do.

Maybe try checking for signs on how she acted before she did this to you. Was she distant? She might have been falling out of love with you.

What I'm stumped on is how she could treat you so terribly. I know that when I love someone, at any point in my life, I would never dream of hurting them in any way, even if they did something terrible to me.

Another thing that could of happened is maybe her friend talked to her about you. Maybe she talkt to her friend about you, and her friend told her to break up, or made up something about you. Maybe she thought you'd just hurt her again like those other guys, or you did something small that hurt her like those other guys did.

I say you give her time. BUT when people tend to do this they dwell on 'Well she might get back with me someday, i"ll wait for her.'

DONT wait for her. She's not waiting for you. Give her a break. Don't talk to her for a month, then maybe then you can text her with a 'how have you been?' But don't think you'll get back together, because you probably won't nor would you want to after she treated you like this (because she could just do it all over again in another two and a half years.) Get out there and (even if this sounds unpleasant) GET BUSY. Get your mind off of her. Hang with friends. Spend time with the other people you love. Do thins that truly distract you from her. Find some new girl who would respect you, and who would never dream of hurting you like this.

[kartoos]

Be the dominant male..She's probably laughing at your face right now flat out..Get over her even ignore her for sometime!I've been where you are and this is how it works!Leave her it's for your own good..

[candyfaye]

One thing is certain, she no longer loves you... if she really did love you to begin with.

I know it hurts but maybe it's for the better. Stop acting like you would do anything to get her back because that would either push her away more, creep her out, use you or all of the above. Maybe she grew tired of being in a relationship, being with you. Maybe she just wants to be single right now. My advice is to move on. I know it's going to be hard but it's for the better. Delete her number in your phone. You can't force someone to be with you, sadly...

[MRMell]

yes I know I can't change her mind, but I know that she loved me, we were together almost three years, I know she still does love me in her heart, she just wants to be free right now. that's all there is to it.

[candyfaye]

I know that you have been together for a long time and maybe she really did love you but what if she fell out of love. Maybe she still loves you but not as much as before. Saying that you love a person does not make it a fact.

P.S. Not trying to be mean or anything. I'm a girl and have a lot of girl friends so I know how some of the girls operate...

[MRMell]

i believe she was in love with me, and now she says she Loves me, which I believe, but I believe she's not IN love with me anymore. she has found something else she wants and its not me, that's all there is to it.

[candyfaye]

That's your answer then, she is no longer in love with you. So maybe it's time for you to find something or someone else.

[MRMell]

yes I'm working on that, I'm trying to move on, but there's still a part of me that hopes she figures out I really love her, and she is happy with that, but she will have to decide that on her own, I have no say in any of this.

[RedSmartie]

Just give her space and time. That's what she wants and needs right now. Giver her a month or two or even more. I know that's really hard, but sometimes you need to let go. She may want you back after that; she may not. It depends on how she is feeling. However, if you keep trying to talk and bother her it will just make her want to get away. If you want to get her back you need to stay away from each other for a significant amount of time.

[MRMell]

yes mam. I will do my best to not talk to her in anyway, time will tell

[RedSmartie]

It's going to be very hard, but there might be hope if you just let her alone for a while. Best of luck.

[MRMell]

thank you for your comment. I will do my best to be mature and strong about it

[RoxyKAy]

You need to move on. She doesn't want to be with you anymore. 2.5 years is a long time to be in a relationship so be happy with the times you had together and go find the next big thing in your life. She was clear that she doesn't want to be with you anymore so leave her alone. You tried to see her once and she flat out rejected you. Trying to see her again will just leave her pissed off at you and leave you feeling hurt.

[MRMell]

yes I know, I don't plan on contacting her ever again. I pretty much erased her from my life, now I'm just trying to get her out of my head and move on with life. It sucks how fast your life can change, and how fast you loose something you love, but everything happends for a reason.

[RoxyKAy]

Give yourself a few days to feel bad. You need to get those bad feelings out. Then reward yourself by getting involved in something you really like. Get more involved in your work or studies, pick up a new hobby, work out, hang out with friends, just don't sit around at your house and mope about her.

[MRMell]

im trying, its been two weeks, and its been a rollercoaster every day, Depressed angry, crying, hopeful etc. I just want the pain to stop, and to get my head on straight.

[RoxyKAy]

Two weeks is not a long time. It's going to take you a while to be completely back to normal.

[MRMell]

yup, I'm realizing that. everyday is a new adventure. I have been in relationships before, but I've never been truly in love until now, and its my first real heartbreak and it sucks, and I'm trying to handle it best I can.

[Lovestar980]

Text her tell her that you know something is up and tell her that you love her and you won't take no for an answer say even though she may be breaking up with you ask for an explanation you at least deserve that and the truth.

[MRMell]

shes very free willed, she already explained she wants to be on her own. I tried to go talk to her and it just made everything worse. I feel like its best to just give her space, and let her decide

[Lovestar980]

Well try and give her space. It may be hard but try that. Sometimes that's what a girl needs to get her mind straight.

[MRMell]

thats my plan, I can't control what she wants only she can, I can only hope and pray she relizes we had something special and she comes back to me.