Why is my ex not telling people we broke up, and giving the illusion that we are still together?

[Anonymous]

Ok, I know I posted a question yesterday, but some new and important information has come to my attention.

So, my boyfriend of 3 months and I broke up last week. It was a mutual break up, initiated by him telling me his doubts about the relationship. The main ones being that he feels he is not ready for a relationship because he feels he can't make me happy when he can't make himself happy.

Anyways, he has initiated contact 3 times after we broke up, after I stopped contacting him and gave him space. He has even expressed regret with breaking up.

Now I have come to find out from his mom (she loves me and texts me quite often... kinda weird I know), that he hasn't told her that we broke up. He helps support his mom so he lives with her at the moment and he typically tells her everything so she found that odd. Also, last night, she overheard him talking about a story I told him to his brother. His brother asked him if he was talking about "his Nicole" and he said yes. So now he is even saying that we are still together?

Don't get me wrong, I care about him and I want to get back together, but I am just confused why this is happening when he initiated the break up. So, intelligent people of GAG, what is happening?

Updates

+1 y

He and I are still Facebook friends because the break up was a cordial one. Well tonight, I posted a status and he texted me 10 minutes later with a funny thought in regard to my status. So this tells me he is not only looking at my Facebook, but pretty often since he replied so quickly.

Updates

+1 y

I'm not one to play games, yes I'm giving him space, but I'm not going to do that in vain to make him miss me or want me back like every single advice blog online says to do. So I texted him simply, "I miss you." and he replied, "I miss you too."


One thing I have learned from those articles is that when a guy tells you he misses you, he is still interested and may possibly want to get back together. So this combined with all of the above means he wants to get back together?

Updates

+1 y

Here's a curveball... noticed in my newsfeed on FB that he became FB friends with the girl he was 'screwing' before he and I began dating. I know it was her because she began harassing me on FB after she found out he and I were together after he made it clear it wouldn't work out with her. It was a very dramatic situation, she got mad and cussed him out and deleted him from FB. He said it was purely a physical relationship. I'm curious as to why they are friends on FB again?

[asdaven]

I don't think he wanted to break up with you. And whatever breakup it is he doesn't want it to be official. Sounds he wants more so to take a break between you two not because of anything you did but more so for him to collect his thoughts and have space for a little while. The fact that he's not going around telling everyone flaunting your breakup says something. That probably means he doesn't want it.

A second possibility this could be is its a test. Girls do this mostly but guys can do it too when they re insecure about something. And that's temporarily breaking it off with someone to see how much they care and like you. So, if someone readily go along with the breakup then that tells the person they don't care. If they're upset then they do.

It could very well be both of these. He needs space but also wanted to see how you react. This guy obviously still likes you I think and regrets breaking up with you. But might be just emotional unavailable and "confused" at the moment but probably not for long. Guys get emotional too they just don't show it. My advice to you is give him his space but periodically let him know you care and still like him and that your not okay with the breakup and want him back. But be subtle about it...dont pressure him. But girls make the mistake many times in this situation to completely stop talking to the person. And well its very easy to take that as rejection then you resent that person and talk to someone else. Or the other extreme ...pressuring the guy for a relationship. It just comes down to ...I think its nothing personal with you...he likes you but doesn't think he is mentally ready to meet your expectations . But I mean that's what he thinks. If he did make you happy and it wasn't a problem...then tell him! But don't try to rush things back or you might stress him and he'll back away. That's what I'd do.

[Asker]

What do you make of the new update?

[asdaven]

I hate to say it but he might be looking at other options. He knows she likes him. He might think your mad at him or aren't interested in him anymore. Hard to say. He might just need someone to talk to. But unfotunately...this girl may try to talk you down to him.

[Asker]

I've made it quite clear that I'm not mad and that I'm still interested. I texted him last night saying that I miss him and he said he missed me too and we had a normal conversation in which we made plans for next week and then boom... this happens today. I'm so confused

[johnny_hustle]

I can kind of relate to him in some way. I'm not a person that likes to tell people about my life unless they come out and ask me. Even then I might be hesitant to tell them. Some people are attention whores, I'm kind of the exact opposite, especially when it comes to my personal relationships.

So, he is probably a lot like me in this sense. If you want to get back together with him, and he has made it clear that he has regretted breaking up with you, even going so far as to make sure he doesn't tell anyone (even his mother that he pretty much tells everything too) then maybe you should ask him if you want to "make it official" and start dating again. If he comes up with some excuse like he can't make you happy if he can't even make himself happy . . . then I would just tell him something that would defeat that excuse.

Such as: "By being with me you makes me happy, if your reasoning for breaking up with me is because you can't make me happy (regardless of the reason) then by breaking up with me you are doing exactly what you don't want to do. You want to make me happy, then by my boyfriend. If you want to hurt me and make me sad, then don't be my boyfriend. So, how about it? Would you like to be my boyfriend again?" Or something along those lines.

[Asker]

Yeah he is kind of private, but these just are random people or acquaintances, it's his family... whom he normally tells everything. Right now he is also having some work issues and he talks to his mom everyday about those. I also suspect he may want to get back together, but is afraid since he has already hurt me pretty bad. See my update.

[johnny_hustle]

Yeah, I see the update. It's hard to say for sure why the girl and him are friends on FB. I've had similar situations where an ex or a girl that I've had only physical relationship with do that same thing, with getting all dramatic to the girl I'm currently dating, and then sometime later she would friend request me despite deleting me a while back. At first I thought maybe she would want to try and be friends but turns out she just wanted to be nosey and see if her life was "better" than mine.

[Asker]

Yeah, I honestly think that is all it is. I'm not one to talk about other people, but she is flat out crazy. I keep hearing it from our mutual friends too. According to my ex's mom, my ex only mentioned her like twice when they were 'together', she is 100% that he doesn't care about her and that she isn't a threat. She said that my ex has only brought home 3 girls... his ex from high school, his ex of 5 years, and me. That says something.

[johnny_hustle]

That does say something. I wouldn't worry about that crazy ex (sometimes us guys aren't lying when we call the ex crazy haha) and if you want to be with him again, make it happen. Time isn't going to sit back and wait for you, so if you want to be with him . . . take the initiative and see that it happens.

[Asker]

I have, we talked on the phone for the first time in 3 weeks yesterday. We were talking about the things that we still had that belonged to the other person and he picked up on my undertone and he said that he wanted to talk about us later (since he was busy). He said he might be able to swing by and possibly hang out later this week. Good sign?

[johnny_hustle]

Sounds like it from the way you're describing it, but without hearing his tone of voice for myself I can't say for sure. The tone of voice in which he says that he wanted to talk about you two later should determine if it's a good sign or not.

[Asker]

Yeah, that's true... we started the phone call knowing that he didn't have much time to talk, so it could have been that he just didn't want to talk about it right then. But still, I didn't say anything about talking about our relationship, and he brought it up. I feel like if an ex wants to talk about 'us' then it's mostly a good sign, because if the ex was truly done and wanted to move on... they would, probably without talking, since guys love to avoid situations like that.

[johnny_hustle]

I feel like you more than likely hit the nail on the head with that one about your ex wanting to talk about you guys. What I mean is that if an ex, either male or female, wanted to talk about "us" then chances are they are probably wanting to get back together or come up with a way so that it can happen sometime in the future. Whereas if a boyfriend/girlfriend were to want to talk about "us", it's usually a bad sign that the relationship is going to end.

[Asker]

Thank you for your thoughtful answer! I hope things work out! Hopefully I'll be seeing him this week!

[johnny_hustle]

You're welcome, that's what this site is for, right? Hope things work out for ya, and good luck!

[dipta]

His mother is way out of line imho.

If my mother or father were going around passing information behind my back to my bf/ exbf, I would be really upset and certainly wouldn't tell them anything.

You are/ were always sure he liked you but, due to the circumstances, broke up with him. Yet you continue going on hearing about him and how he's doing as if you were still together as well...

What matters here is what you feel, where do you think you're going and what do you think you will get out of this relationship, not why he's doing this and that. What you certainly don't need is over-analyzing every single thing he might be thinking.

[Asker]

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by that... You really think I broke up with him? He was the one who told me he felt he wasn't ready for a relationship among other things... he told me that when we were still good relationship wise, so I almost feel that he was the one who broke up with me even though he didn't say the words. Do you think we will get back together?

[dipta]

Didn't you write in a reply to martyfellow above that you were the one who broke up with him?

Either way, if a boyfriend told me, out of nowhere, that they weren't sure about the relationship, I would assume they aren't interested in continue and were hoping I'd break things up instead, which was what you were made to do imo. Someone who is serious about you wouldn't jeopardize his chances with silly stuff like "I'm not sure I can make you happy". C'mon. Anyone in love goes the extra mile.

[dipta]

That's why you feel he was the one who broke things up, because he was!

He likes you enough to keep you there just in case, and that's why he doesn't tell anyone. Other people would keep score. It seems it's up to you to decide if you go back with him or not, since he's fine either way, but I'm not sure it's worth it.

[Asker]

I was the one who said the actual words "I think it's best that we break up" but I wouldn't have had to say them if he didn't say what he said. So yes, you are right, I was essentially forced. He is serious about me, I mean, I've met his family and friends... to me that is pretty serious. I'm pretty sure you commented on my question about a depressed boyfriend, and I still think he is depressed. I'm a psychology major and he is showing all the signs, so it isn't as simple as a normal break up.

[dipta]

The point is that you aren't there as his psychologist or to treat him, but as his girlfriend.

My sister-in-law is also a psychologist and let me tell you she's awful when it comes to situations where she's involved. If he's depressed, he should seek external help.

[Asker]

What do you think of the most recent update?

[dipta]

@update Well, I'm sorry to say, but I'm not really surprised. For all he might say, his actions so far have been nothing but selfish. Have no doubt he knows you check his fb, this isn't just an innocent, random add.

I'm not saying he wasn't serious with you before, or at least trying to, but sometimes things change or the timing isn't right. Think there's little you can do about it.

[COCOCHANEL]

he might feel too emotional to be able to tell family

[NotSoBad]

It could be a number of different things... but take it for what it is.

1. Realize he initiated the the breakup, something is bothering him, and he isn't ready.

2. He hasn't told anyone because he's has his doubts about the breakup.

3. He contacts you because after a breakup people have a fear of being alone. Some people aren't strong enough to cut ties cold turkey.

4. Think about yourself... how do you feel about the breakup? Obviously you have been thinking about him, but do you want to be with someone who is unsure about being with you?

If I were you, I would cut contact with him for a month (minimum). Take this time to enjoy your friends and family. Go out and have fun and make some new friends.

[Asker]

I didn't want to post a new question... but what do you think of the most recent update?

[NotSoBad]

I think the guy is not ready for a relationship. He is not giving you the whole story. He is withholding information because he chooses not to tell you. That is his right. In my honest opinion, I think you are wasting your time with this guy. I understand you are confused and frustrated. I have gone through similar situations in my life and after time I realized that I really didn't need to hold on as long as I did. The best thing to do is be nice and stop all contact with him.

[NotSoBad]

If you wonder if he will eventually come back.. that's OK, because everyone has their own doubts and fears of relationships ending. In time you will find a new guy that excites you more than this guy and you will realize there are people who will care more about you than this current guy you are in question about.

[JSmuve]

I'll take a shot at this - he probably doesn't want to be broken up and really wants to be with you but he doesn't feel like he can be with you until he knows he can make you happy. It seems as though he can't commit to the break-up because he doesn't really want it to happen, but can't commit to the relationship for the reasons you already stated.

[Asker]

I didn't want to post a new question... but what do you think of the most recent update?

[martyfellow]

He hopes so much to get back together, that he doesn't want to tell him mom..he'd have to tell her everything about the break-up, and why he feels he can't make you happy.

It would be very embarrassing for him; it sounds like his mom would be angry with him and tell him he was in the wrong,to say the least!

Obviously she'd take 'your side' as you describe her!

Telling his brother would lead to having to tell his mom next!

[Asker]

If he hopes to get back together, then why hasn't he said anything about it yet?

[martyfellow]

He's already made contact 3 times, that must mean he wants to get back in touch at least..! Maybe he's uncertain how YOU feel about getting back together!

[Asker]

I made it pretty clear to him when I broke up with him that it was something I didn't want to do, he knows of my feelings. Another thing happened tonight... see my update.

[martyfellow]

Told ya he was eager to renew your acquaintance! Good luck!

[martyfellow]

UPDATE: You have a really good chance of his changing his mind; with his mom as your ally, you hold a winning hand, as they say!

[Asker]

Yeah that's what I thought until this morning... what do you think of the most recent update?

[martyfellow]

There's nothing you could do about a crazy ex. Don't worry about her, I'm sure his family prefers you, so I'd just ignore the FB flirting.

[arodriguez664]

It sounds like he's stringing you along. He likes the attention you give him. Kind of cruel if you think about it. You are not seeing anyone else your options seems closed, but he is obviously trying to explore other options while keeping you in the back pocket. It's preventing you from finding someone who may be crazy about you. I would cut him off and heal before moving on.

[blackkid2]

Delusion and disconnect with inability to accept consequences of own behavior. Done.

[Asker]

So is that a good or bad thing? Does that mean he still has feelings for me and might get back together?

[blackkid2]

It's a bad thing. He has feelings for you, so much so that he created a paradox in his own mind where your separation never actually occurred. Just go and tell him that you're a couple again. Don't ask. Just tell him. He'll accommodate, if not with a bit of weak resistance.

[Asker]

I'm not sure that would work... how are you so sure he would accommodate?

[blackkid2]

If you are already his girlfriend in his little world you "making it official" is nothing but reuniting the paradox with reality. That's all.

[Asker]

We were official and then we broke up. I don't doubt that he has feelings for me, I just think he has an issue mentally with labels. He was afraid to make it 'Facebook official' because last time we did, he thought our relationship changed.

[blackkid2]

That was this. This is now. Your boyfriend (er, "ex") is still wandering around in a spacial-time rift thinking that you never separated. He hasn't even begun to come to terms with it. Of course you an also wait until he does. And then try to talk to him to get a sensible, real, realistic, and possibly undesirable answer.

[ChiTown33]

You're creating this in your head. Move on.

[Apath4]

maybe he isn't an attention whore. :D

[Asker]

I'm confused about this answer?

[Apath4]

He probalably hasn't told any one because he wants no one in his buissness

[itsalyssaagain]

He doesn’t want you to move on.