Does My Ex Want Me Back or is he Playing Mind Games?

[vice-chix]

I have a dilemma... I am too emotionally involved and I need some external commentary on my situation... for advice regarding my ex.

Ok, so my ex and I broke up about 2 months ago after dating for 2 months. After we slept together things got really intense emotionally for both of us -- I felt something; he felt something; and it scared him (we both are recently divorced). Needless to say he ended things abruptly. Silence actually.

A month after the breakup I emailed him and said that I was upset that he felt the need to just go silent. At which point he responded and said he was really confused about his feelings... that there was more between us than he was ready for... and that he needed a hiatus to think it through. He apologized for being an ass.

Ok -- so I am not an idot... I told him to hit the road and I cut off communication thereafter. I was pretty shaken up... and to be honest I had my heart obliterated. I broke down after another month and sent him an email saying that I was thinking about him. That I wished him well in the future. The next day he responded and his email was most shocking. I wasn't prepared for it actually.

He said that he appreciated my note. That he had no intention of going silent -- but the longer it goes the harder it gets to respond. He never meant to hurt me and said he was deeply sorry for doing it. He also said that if we get back in touch that he would prefer face-to-face talks rather than email. Thereafter he asked if we could meet for coffee and again apologized for the silence. He also said that he wanted me to know that he thinks about me and misses me... and he has been cruel and unfair for making it seem otherwise. Again, he closed the email by saying that he wanted to meet again and asked me to let him know if that was something he desired.

So, I responded... I sent an email saying yes ... coffee would be find... and that I missed the witty convo we shared (I wanted to act aloof about the fact he missed me). I told him I respected his need for space and that I was extremely busy at the present time. That appreciated that he took the time to say hi. And offered to meet him the next day if our schedules aligned.

He responded thereafter saying he was too busy for the remainder of the week and that he would be more open after the weekend.

I have to say -- this is new territory for me. I am not sure if this is genuine or not. I mean ... he is very sensitive, and very kind when we are face-to-face... but anyone who can be that cruel and just disappear is a bit insane to me. I will be honest I did fall for him... and I do have feelings still... but I want to get hurt again so that is why I am asking whether this guy is being serious... or this is some game player tactic to keep his foot in the door. I dunno.

[Blindness]

The fact that he "disappeared" does not make him cruel, nor does it make him an ass. You're making the classic female mistake of judging masculine behavior by feminine standards.

Men tend to think, behave act and react differently. We usually understand that women are different, and try to deal with that fact. But women cause a lot of trouble for everyone by expecting their boyfriends/husbands to behave like their girlfriends and becoming outraged when (gasp) men are men! When men are hurt, they usually withdraw; they don't go talk to their friends and turn over every last detail under a jeweler's lens the way women do.

I think you're being kinda selfish. You've proved my point when you write that you were "upset that he felt the need to just go silent." You admit his withdrawing was a *need*, it's how he responded to a painful situation. Then you belittle his needs -- you didn't mention that you expressed any sympathy or understanding towards him.

I don't intend to be cruel. But I do intend to be blunt. Men tend to think and act in straight, simple lines. But women complicate things by reading into every little thing, second guessing and being tremendously self-focused.

From what you describe, I doubt this guy is playing you. You contacted him, remember? You're stirring the pot; you can't complain when you get splashed. This guy has said *exactly* where he stands, and *exactly* why he's behaved as he did. You have *no* right to second guess his feelings.

If you demonstrate a bit of compassion, understanding and validation towards him, these problems will probably resolve themselves.

Good luck.

[vice-chix]

Thanks so much for your post!!! Very helpful indeed. And for the record I am not the one who referred to him as being cruel or an ass...... these were things he told me of himself (honest). He felt that way about the silence not I.

As for my compassion -- I agree -- temperance, reassurance and compassion for what he has been going through is very much what I need to do going forward. I will definately make a concerted effort to keep your advice in mind. Thanks so much!!!!!!!!

[vice-chix]

I have yet for him to confirm a time -- and he foreseeably can't hammer one down - because he is too busy (?). He was very kind and sweet and has emailed me a few times since apologizing and saying he understands if I move on... and that he doesn't merit my patience. So sweet. However, I am not holding my breath that he will call -- as he seems quite a passive-aggressive sort. We shall see.

[smiley11889]

It doesn't sound like he is playing mind tricks on you. I would know. My father played mind tricks on my mother all the time. And when look back, I had wished she had never fell for it. Well, he seems like a very emotional guy.I would give I'm a second chance, go out and enjoy the time with him. I it seems like something is wrong, give him some time.he may be feeling uncomfortable.

[vice-chix]

Thank you for you post. You are right - he is VERY sensitive -- a lot of female energy. He is very introspective and so I am very understanding of where he is coming from. He does have a lot going on emotionally and personally (getting over cancer) as well as a fear of connecting with me on an emotional level. Because I do care about him... very much.... I am willing to take your advice and take things slow ... and enjoy the time we share. He is very special and a great friend.