The Importance of Pace: Don't Move Too Fast in Dating !

The Importance of Pace: Don't Move Too Fast in Dating !

Slow and steady wins the race. The candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long.

Both classic sayings-but what about the symbolism? And how does that apply to dating ?

When we meet a new person and there is some type of connection after the date there is a sense of giddiness and excitement in one or both of the parties.

They are usually still strangers. But they feel a connection, a desire to know each other more. This is great, right? After all we have had so many first dates where one or both just wanted to get the hell out of there. So it is great if they both had a good time and wanted to go out again and feel some of that first date euphoric rush. Isn't it ?

Yes and no. Let me explain.

it is great to be excited. And if you both enjoy each other and had a good date then that is a step in the right direction. But this makes many people lose their head.

Within in a few hours you feel as if your life is transformed. Suddenly you are thinking "OMG I could have met the one!"

I am totally guilty. So I speak from my own experience. Suddenly you realize your life could change. And it really can. People who are married say they knew from the first date. But I think they are talking in hindsight.

Sure they had a good and exciting date. But they didn't know for certain they would get married until later. Dating is a process and a game. After one date you have barely touched the tip of the iceberg. You feel some attraction and perhaps admiration of the surface you see. And that is really it.

Now sure this can grow. And it is a good step in the right direction. But most dates than not end in failure and no second. People forget that just a day earlier they were complete strangers. They don't know each other yet. They don't know the person's true motives.

My ex moved too fast and I felt some nagging doubts. He wanted to talk and see me every second. Now sometimes we are just excited but unfortunately people who move too fast can often have ulterior motives. And sometimes it takes a while until this comes out. People who move too fast often are trying to trap you in before the ugly comes out because they can hold it in for only so long. That's why at the beginning they shower you with attention and dates and I love you and sweet talk-because it is all a fake mask and it won't last forever. My ex did that. And he was an abusive liar and cheater. I had some nagging feelings that he was too invested but it is often hard to tell when someone is just excited versus trying to find a puppet. So better to pace it.

A genuine person will be regularly making efforts to see and talk to you but it won't feel alarming or at least it shouldn't. But to keep it safe I would suggest not seeing each other immediately every second. The abusers will get mad and pressure you if you keep trying to slow things fown. A genuine person won't.

Even if you are both genuine you don't want to see each other so much that you burn out and get bored. Because you can't be seeing each other 24-7 forever. You can't be on that blissful cloud and failing to function in your life or fulfill your duties and take care of yourself. In a successful relationship there is integration not domination. You integrate the person into your life but your life doesn't stop or get taken over by this new person-that is not healthy.

Recently a girl I know had three dates back to back with this guy in less than a week. She was acting like she had met her U.S. And in two days. It was ridiculous and then he cancelled plans and pulled away. Probably because she already invited him to meet her friends. I am sure her intensity scared him off. It's only normal. We worry that someone who wants to make a brand new person so much is desperate or unstable or both.

Small hints of poor character show up early but you may need magnifying glasses aka hints from failed pasts to see them so early on. The signs will start getting larger over a few months. But you don't want to be playing bitter detective. So just be careful and remember that in one date you don't know someone. You were a complete person before the date and if it doesn't work out you still are complete.

Remember to consider the importance of time and longevity over passion. You can't say he always calls you because you just met and it has been three days. That's too short to be an always. Dating is a fast limbo and I do think you know within a few weeks what direction it is headed but you have to stay in the train to see where it is headed. Don't foolishly jump thinking you found your destination before you know enough information which takes time to gather. Remember your self worth and that you deserve respect and need to be with someone stable and genuine who isn't looking to use you for selfish reasons and that you won't settle for less. That should make it easier to weed out crap and walk away when needed.


Most Helpful Guy

  • Good advice your brain will have released a lot of positive good feel chemicals after a nice first date. This can lead to the illusion of love and progressing too fast.


Most Helpful Girl

  • One of my favorite discussions and takes would be yours, this rakes the cake. Good job! 👍


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What Girls & Guys Said

  • I think this is something I needed to hear right now in my situation with the girl I have deep feelings for. Patience, my nemesis. Well played, well played, but we shall see who wins in the end. Bullcrap aside, when you wrote this take are you talking from personally experience in being patient?

    • Yes in my experience it's bad to move too fast

    • Show All
    • Yes don't scare her off

    • WHOA! Who said anything of scaring her? WTF?

  • Eh, I think speed is subjective. Each couple is different. There are couples that were exclusive after the first date and also couples that had sex on the first date that were successful...

    I don't think there's one right pace. Rather each couple has their own ways evolving and every couple evolves at different speeds. The key is to find someone that is around your preference for speed at which relationship progresses.

    • I mean I move quickly with everything I do at the beginning, so I think I'm doomed to really be one of the faster people (not in sex, but in emotional investment - definitely). I'll need to find a girl that shares my preferences for how fast to progress.

    • I mean I've done it with every hobby I've gotten into (I'm completely inexperienced in dating so I really have no data to draw on), so that's my speculation.

  • Great take 👍👍👍 well written 👌 keep it up.

  • Another thing related to this is girls seem to lose interest if you come across as too available or too keen to spend time with her. So I think even if you think a girl is utterly amazing you can't let it show, at least not early on.


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