I haven't been on a date in almost seven months, and I probably won't go on one for the next seven.
Why? I'm disillusioned. I'm not finding anyone worth the time, effort or money. For a variety of reasons, I have come to believe that finding someone and entering into a deep, meaningful, long-term loving relationship just isn't in the cards for me given my current situation, and I don't really want to change that situation.
I'm still human, though, still a sexual animal, and so I must balance that against my resolve to not date.
Every so often on this board, I find a post by a guy who is similarly frustrated by his prospects in the dating world. I am at a point where not dating is less frustrating than dating, but still frustrating.
If you want to take an extended break from the dating world, here are some techniques I find useful.
1. Fantasy
Remember all of those times you missed an opportunity for some wild sexual romp or romantic encounter? What would have happened if the two of you had hooked up? All of those missed opportunities are now sexual fantasies. I never thought I would be glad to have missed out.
Did you think I was going to mention porn here? Porn is like the jumper cables of jacking off. It gets the car started, but fantasy is going to fuel the journey. So examine your fantastical side. Use porn, but be careful, because too much porn can be harmful.
2. Build your other relationships
Do you have family? Friends? Spend more time with them. Make those relationships stronger and better. A lot of the love we need is already there. We just have to tend it, like a garden.
3) Find something meaningful to work on
I have taken up some new hobbies since giving up dating. One of those is geneology. I may never have a family of my own, but my siblings' grandchildren will have lots of information about who and where they came from. It's making my life feel more meaningful.
4) Work on your career
Channel some of that sexual energy into taking on a big project at work, and own it. I was lucky enough to have an opportunity to do this, and it came along just at the right time. It really boosted my self-esteem and confidence when I needed it most.
5) Form friendships with attractive women
When I meet attractive women and see indicators of interest, I find they make for wonderful (1) Fantasy material. There is no way I would try to mess with that fantasy by taking it to the bedroom, where I am likely to get hurt. Don't mess with those fantasies, they're valuable! Remember, women are lovely as long as you don't try to get into their pants.
In the meantime, form friendships with these women instead. If they like you enough to sleep with you, great! Do they like you enough to NOT sleep with you? Maybe if they do, there is a remote chance of a more meaningful relationship forming down the road.
Superficial, short-term one-nighters certainly have their place in the world, and for many guys, long-term meaningful relationships are possible and highly recommended. If you find yourself in a situation where dating is becoming increasingly traumatic, there is an alternative. It will be difficult for a while; there is a mourning process, with all of the Kubler-Ross five-stages and what not. It's tough but if you can fight your way through it, you'll find yourself stronger and more confident.
Humans rule the animal kingdom by way of our superior brains. Use your brain and you, too, can tame your inner animal.
Good luck!
What Girls & Guys Said
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2Opinion
These are some helpful tips you have provided.
A little bit of time has passed since you wrote this, I hope you are doing better now!
I'd like to add in my own views however,
Instead of someone distracting their mind from their break up. I also think it's important for them to allow themselves to feel the pain from that break up.
Constantly trying to shift your mind, only does harm long term (because you aren't dealing with the situation).
Sitting there, in your own pile of tears and hurt, helps aide in the process of healing (although we may not look at it that way).
So if someone is broken up with another and they are so hurt they cry daily, it's perfectly okay!
But don't let that be your every day story.
Do the tips provided as well, during that day to boost you up!
Thanks for reading my Takes today. :) As for how this has been going, I wrote a sequel: www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a24125-fatalism-the-fatalist
I do tend to focus on break-ups and deal with pain, as you suggest. Doing that helped me to decide that taking a break was the right thing to do.
Taking my extended break has helped me to get in better touch with myself and my own needs. It has also allowed me to refuel my confidence, which has been great. I still don't know when my next date will be; I am in no hurry. In April it will have been one year; I know lots of people go longer than that.
7 months? I haven't dated in the past 5 friggin' years! 😞
So, these tips would probably help me.
If you have gone for five years, perhaps you should be offering me tips! ;)
Actually, I had other issues. I was highly insecure about my looks, and had a morbid fear of rejection. So I never even attempted to ask women out!
Now, I seem to have sorted out my problems to a certain extent. I got involved in my career during his time. Completed my graduation, and got into a decent job. Also kept myself occupied with music and video games, whenever I felt lonely.
Before a few weeks ago, it's been 5 years since I've been on a date (although I have had opportunities in that span). Nothing wrong with taking personal time away from the dating game.