Finally, Why Men Do Not Want To Date Single Moms, Explained!

Anonymous

Part three in my series of explaning things that women often do not understand about men.

So. If you've been online, or in real life, or watched tv, or spoken to other human beings, you know that for a huge percen of men--I would personally argue at least 50% for white men--a woman having children is a deal breaker in dating. Done, not interested, thanks for playing.

A lot of women, and single moms, are puzzled and/or angered by this. After all, if they have their own job, their own place, and they are taking care of the kid just fine, why should men care? I think an explanation serves both to help single moms understand, and to help girls realize how vital it is that they not have children until they are in a committed, serious relationship with a man who will be there.

I will explain a few of the reasons, in no particular order. I should note that due to cultural differences, fertility rates, and marriage rate differences--this take applies mainly to whites. I can't speak for blacks or latinos.

1. No one likes being second or third or fourth place.

Finally--why men do not want to date single moms, explained.

I don't know about all other countries, but in the USA it is practically the 11th Commandment. For single moms, their children come first. Always, forever. It's a fact, like the sun rising in the east and setting in the west. It is an unchangeable fact that most men probably wouldn't change.

Doesn't mean we have to like it. How many single men wish to find a woman to commit to? How many women will expect that she is his number one committment in life? At the same time, he knows that single moms will definitely put the children first. When a wife puts the children over the husband, it makes the marriage more miserable for the man--and those are his kids too. With a single mom, he is second or third place to another man's offspring. It's like skipping the honeymoon and pregnancy and going straight to the wife nagging that he needs to pick up the kids from soccer.

2. Just because we're dating does not mean we want to adopt as well.

Finally, Why Men Do Not Want To Date Single Moms, Explained!

Adoption is great. I have a kid sister who is adopted from China--my mom wanted another child, my parents agreed her becoming pregnant again would be quite risky health wise, so they chose to adopt. I get along great with her and we're tight.

But there is no way in hell I would want to adopt a child myself anytime soon, if ever. Why should I? If I am single and looking, I want a woman to make a relationship with. Not a ready made family where I am the third wheel. My career is finally looking up--in a few years if I am with a great woman, I might be open to have a child. Now? No. Another man's kids? HELL no.

Let's also keep in mind that when a couple adopts, the kid is not related to either parent. Dating a single mom is a little closer to how a woman might feel if the guy knocked up a mistress.

3. Less free time/bonding time.

Finally, Why Men Do Not Want To Date Single Moms, Explained!

Let's face it. If you are just working 40 hours a week, getting out there, meeting people, dating, is hard enough to get into between the roadbumps of life like car problems or health issues, not to mention hobbies, your family committments to your parents/siblings. If you work and go to school? Ouch. You have a full schedule.

A single mom, unless she's one of those welfare mommies that work 25 hours a week and survive off of food stamps, is probably working at least 40 hours a week at work. Her child is another full time job, aside from when she literally pays another person to care for it as a babysitter or day care worker or nanny. It's like trying to date someone with a full time job and a part time job.

4. Kids deserve a stable father figure, even if the mother failed in that area.

Finally, Why Men Do Not Want To Date Single Moms, Explained!

Kids need a father figure. For many men, this discourages us from dating a single mom, because of the sheer committment. Who wants to be that jerk who dates the mom, the kids start looking up to him like a dad, and then if something happens or things go bad, he has to leave those kids all heartbroken or be stuck in misery? That's where those tragic movies about the lonesome child ending up a serial killer or carjacker or drug addict come from.

5. We usually do not want to raise another man's children.

We are biological creatures with instincts, after all. And that includes being selfish--wanting to take care of ourselves the most, and those related to us, or sleeping with us, some. And those not related to us or loving us...

Finally, Why Men Do Not Want To Date Single Moms, Explained!

Kids are a huge investment, and our instincts say that having kids is how we pass our genes along, blah blah, survival of the fittest, blah blah. What that boils down to is simply--not our kids, not our problem, why invest all our time and money and energy into some other guy's kids? It's like how you might put up with someone from your siblings or your parents, while if a coworker or person at a shop did the same thing, you would want to beat their faces into your cubicle wall, or smash a mannequin on their heads. On another, even more base level, it's a loss. Some other guy banged this girl first, knocked her up, and now he is not even stuck raising the kids. Do you want to clean up his mess?

6. We don't need to date single moms.

Literally. There are plenty of other women out there, wishing cute guys like us would walk up and talk to them. At the petstore, working at a nearby restuaraunt, feeling lonesome at church... everywhere. All it takes is a smile, a few sentences of conversation starter, and we know if she's interested. If not, we just wasted 30 seconds of our life, and on to the next one.

Finally, Why Men Do Not Want To Date Single Moms, Explained!

Due to more and more women delaying marriage/kids/relationships for career and education, most men who have any options really don't need to settle. They can easily find a girl with no kids. In 2012, 95.9% of girls age 15-19 did not have kids, 75.2% of women 20-24 did not have kids, and 49.6 percent of women 25-29 did not have kids. So even a thirty year old man does not need to settle or be accepting of single moms, at those rates, much less college age men. Childlessness at record heights among American Women

So in short? Ladies, do yourself, and the world, a favor. Don't date men unless they are good guys. And don't have kids unless a good guy is going to be there with you to be a family.

Finally, Why Men Do Not Want To Date Single Moms, Explained!
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  • OlderAndWiser
    Excellent explanation!
    Is this still revelant?

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • NatashaJ
    1. I seen too many parents who don't give a enough shits about their kids its nice that a single mom puts her child first before anything that what you suppose to do.
    2. Why do you think they want you adopt them ASAP lol I think they rather see where the relationship goes first if it ends it ends.
    3. kinda rude how you bash on single moms but not the dads.
    That's all I have to say.
    • NatashaJ

      I also want to add they can still have crazy boyfriends with or without kids.

    • 1. There is a difference when the man she is dating isn't the child's real father. He ranks much lower on her list of priorities than he would if it was his own child. A man has a certain standing being the father of her child. Otherwise he is just an outsider to what she considers "her family". She will never allow it to be "Their family". That is what he is talking about.

      3. Assuming he is straight, why would he write a take about why he doesn't want to date single dads?

    • NatashaJ

      @heavensgift2girls I never call him gay or assume he was I was saying the single childless girls could still have crazy exes like the single moms.

    • Show All
  • thisGUYknows
    WOW! lots of salty dudes in here. While I can see where you're coming from, single mom's aren't secret agents of hell sent to ruin men's lives. First of all your acting like single moms knew that they would be single moms all along. Life doesn't always go according to plan dude. Sure there are some girls out there spreading their legs for anyone interested and are looking for a man to hitch their wagon to. But that's far from most.
    My ex was a single mom. I knew and she made clear 2 things:
    1.) Her son came first. Always.
    2.) I'd have no responsibility at all with her son.

    If we were to get married, of course I'd help raise her son. I wouldn't mind, I loved her and I'd do whatever I could to help and build a relationship with her son. In my case the baby daddy is a dead beat who is never around so I would have had a bigger role in her son's life. The dad and I have even almost gotten into fist fights every time we saw each other. But that wouldn't make me run away like the little bitch he was. If a man loves a woman, he should be a man about it and deal with anything he has to.
    Was it hard? Ya sometimes it was. Sometimes we'd make plans but wound up not having a babysitter. But we loved each other at the time and made it work. Our breakup was mutual and we're still great friends. Dating a single mom is kind of a different ball game sure. And it's not for everyone. but it's not necessarily something to avoid like the plague either.
    • I was thinking the same, lot of salty dudes. I chalk that up to the fact that many of them can't get a date at all and the opinions of people on the net doesn't reflect real life at all. The opinions of the older men really bother me though, I'm guessing bad divorce experiences.

    • I agree. There are lots of guys here who are mad they can't get dates and take it out on the girls. And ya for the older dudes, bad experiences probably.

    • @EnigmaStigma No, we're smart enough not to clean up another man's mess. We don't have to. Single moms are not my cup of tea. Furthermore, if one believes that you can love a child that isn't your like yours is fucking idiotic. Yeah, the moon shots were fake and 'rasslin is real.

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  • Punkin45
    Holy crap, my personal life is over because my ex-husband is an ass and I'll be too old by the time my kids go to college to get a date. No one wants to date a single mom. THANK YOU! I HAD NO IDEA THAT WAS WHY I COULDN'T GET A DATE!!! ALL THIS TIME I THOUGHT IT WAS MY SHOES.
  • misssouthernbelle
    So, I agree with your sentiment, but there are two perspectives I want to bring up.

    1. I think one of the MAIN reasons that you didn't really elaborate on much is women who want the guy to be DADDY. I can't tell you how many girls I see in my newsfeed, younger than me at that, who are latching onto these guys and making them daddy before the guy knows what hit him. He's taking the kid to the park, he's literally being called daddy, he's in family photos, etc. So many women who are single moms are looking for someone to make their mistake easier, someone who will cover up the fact that she made a horrible decision about who to have a child with. It makes me sick. I mean, at least wait until he's married you and committed to adopting your child before he gets to be called daddy and is gifted with all the duties! DAMN! I'm a woman and I'm turned off by it, so I can only imagine what it does to guys! It's not your job to be daddy and a lot of women think that because you date them, you automatically become daddy. You're only daddy if you want to be.

    2. When you insert a penis into a vagina, you risk creating a baby, so unless you have remained abstinent, you can't really hold a judgmental opinion on this. Who's to say that this single mom isn't just someone who was in a loving relationship and made love with her boyfriend? What if she just happened to be that unlucky percentage of people that had the birth control fail? Does that make her such a screw up? What if the baby changed everything and the relationship fell apart? I'm sorry, but regardless if a guy is good or not, some people aren't ready for the consequences of sex. And, sometimes, when there are consequences, even the nicest of guys can run like hell. This is why I'm telling my future sons that if they wouldn't marry the girl they're poking, then they shouldn't be having sex. End of story.

    Some women really are responsible for a poor choice, but some might have been blindsided. Keep an open mind.
    • Anonymous

      Haha considering how many girls are having sex and what a small percent have kids... It's pretty clear getting preggo is not random chance.

      And I haven't been dumb enough to put a baby in a girl... So yeah, can judge!

    • It can be. You never know what might happen with the birth control you're using.

      I didn't say if you had made a girl pregnant... I said if you'd had sex at all. Anytime you have penetration, you're risking it, protection or not. You can't judge because you could have been and might be one of those guys who gets the short end of the stick with a faulty birth control method.

      Dude... and just because a guy and a girl screw up, doesn't make rhem dumb. They took a risk and unfortunately, got consequences they weren't wanting. It doesn't make someone dumb.

      You seem really immature, no offense. Nothing is concrete or absolute and your life will be easier once you realize that.

    • Open mind my ass. Single moms are undatable to most guys.

  • samhradh_leannan
    I agree with, and understand, much of what you are saying. But some of it is very one-sided in perspective. Here's the thing: Women don't become single mothers because they think it's going to make their dating lives easier. They're not doing it on purpose thinking that it's going to help them snag a man. Whether or not they were ever in a relationship with the father of their children, it's usually not something that they planned on or hoped for. Women become single mothers because that's just where life takes them. Because they have no other option. They are making the best of things for the sake of their children who they love. They are not oblivious. They understand that lots of guys out there won't be down for stepping into the role of father to her children. There probably aren't many women who would prefer to date a single father, either. That's just the way the world works. I don't think this is coming as a surprise to anyone.

    But that doesn't mean that single parents of both genders don't have hope of finding someone who is right for them, who will accept their children and want to make a family. It happens all the time. When you love someone, you might make a choice that you never thought you'd make. You never know.
    • Anonymous

      I disagree. I think if women are properly warned about miseries that await foolish choices, they'll be more careful.

      They'll be cautious about who they date and sleep with... they'll be cautious about birth control and not getting pregnant out of wedlock, or at least outside a serious relationship with a good guy. Example: I literally know one girl, came from a middle class home, dating a criminal who bragged about a murder, and thought she got pregnant from him twice. Then she had a baby, and planned to be a family with him if she could, until DNA tests came back negative.

    • That story is extreme and obviously quite horrifying. But it's just one example. There are many single mothers who were married to the father of their children, or were in a very serious relationship with them. There are many cases where they think they are planning to make a family, but it simply doesn't work out. You are placing ALL of the responsibility for this on the shoulders of the woman, but that isn't very fair. It takes two to make a baby, and life doesn't always work the way you think it will. You don't have to date a single mother if you don't want to, but you do need to acknowledge that they are simply human beings who are doing their best in a difficult world. Cut them a little slack.

    • Anonymous

      In normal circumstances, it would be entirely unfair to blame the mother entirely.

      Thing is, simply: when you have complete authority, you have complete responsibility.

      Women not only are completely free to choose who they sleep with... completely free to refuse if she is not on birth control or he won't wear a condom... she literally has power of life and death over the child, and he has no say whatsoever. She can adopt the kid to a good family. Have it dissolved in salt acid. Become a single mother.

      Literally, complete authority. With complete authority comes complete responsibility.

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  • MermaidGirl91
    I completely agree with this, these are many of the same reasons I won't date a single father, plus I don't want any drama with the mother. I'd rather not get into a relationship with someone, even if I liked them because they have a kid.
  • Jager66
    Single moms are toxic to them selves, their children and society. Avoid them at all costs!!!

    Very few exceptions to this, like if the father died, but all single moms will weave a sob story about how they are a "good" one so you simply can't trust any of them. If there is one thing our society could have a little more of it's shaming of single moms.
    • Avoid them all you want, but shaming them is uncalled for. Many of them probably handle more every day than you deal with in a week. You could be a bit more respectful. Last I checked, raising your children isn't a crime.

    • Jager66

      @samhradh_leannan Well we all have to live in the same world as the kids raised by single moms. Those children are much much more likely to be failures in nearly every way we measure life style, everything from being criminals to failure to launch to doing drugs etc..

      We also have to pay the taxes that disproportionately support single moms draining the system even more then then simply the problems from their dysfunctional kids, who will no doubt grow up the be single moms as well...

      Bottom line is having children is a choice, raising them single is a choice, choosing to have kids with a shitty man is a choice. They need to be held accountable for the harm they are causing and a hefty dose of shame is probably just the ting that's needed.

    • A lot of one sided shit here. You say "choosing this" "choosing that" so its only on the woman to be held accountable just because she had to bear said child? What about the man's choices? Basically what you're saying is shitty men can't help themselves so its not their fault, its the fault of the woman who chooses to step up and do the right thing? How about holding men and women equally accountable and stop women bashing.

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  • heavensgift2girls
    This woman did a better job explaining why men don't want to date single mothers, even though that wasn't her intent when she wrote it.
    www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a10204-the-struggles-of-being-a-single-mom
    • This girl who wrote that is more than makes the case why single men w/o should never date single mothers. It's a losing proposition anyway you look at it. No man in his right mind would get involved with a woman like this for any reason other than NSA sex.

    • @Marinepilot Those types of women commonly end up with guys that are desperate that she is neither attracted to nor can respect as a man. That is why Matt Damon gets so much crap for choosing a woman that already had a kid. Men with options normally know better than to date single moms. Women just can't stand that even men that she may deem as not good enough for her, commonly don't see her as good enough for him. It is a huge blow to her ego.

    • You're right. What galls me is that we nice guys rarely get a glance from
      little Miss Thug Rescuer. We are boring, not exciting, etc, She goes off
      with ThugBoy, gets knocked up, has 2-3 kids, ThugBoys leaves her. Suddenly
      she come groveling back to us after we're doctors, lawyers, CPAs, whatever.
      Why are we good enough now when we weren't back then? Fuck that shit.
      I'm NOT going to clean up a bad boy's mess. Why should I get the damaged
      and used years wheb ThugBoy got the prime years? This pisses a lot of single moms off when I say this Why? BECAUSE I"M FUCKING RIGHT ! And they know it.

  • bloodmountain1990
    Great take. Let's just say I've been there done that with having a date or two with a single mom or even attempting to date single moms and there are hurdles with it, make no mistake about it.

    Like you said, raising the kid (s) is another full time job on the side from having a full time job, especially if the Mom has full custody. So getting to see each other often usually won't happen, unless your idea of hanging out or dating is spending time with her kids which I'm not down with.

    You also get to hear them boast about how "mature" and "responsible" they are because they have a kid unlike most people their age when usually 99% of the time, their kid is a result of being irresponsible like having unprotected sex.

    You're also gonna deal with them possibly postponing multiple dates due to not finding a babysitter, not falling asleep, etc. As well as potential drama if the baby daddy is still in their life.

    Single dads don't get a free pass either, they're just as responsible.
  • Accipiter
    I'd give a single mom a chance. I had a brief fling with one and she was way more mature than most girls her age. But I have a strict criteria for dating one:

    1. She can't have more than one child
    2. Both parents must have joint custody
    3. The father must be active in the child's life
    4. I don't mind being a role model for the child, but I won't take the father's place
    • You're a better man than I am. I'll be friends with single moms and maybe, just maybe a fuck buddy. Anything more that that, no way Jose !

  • thetundrawolf
    This is why I tell women not to have sex a moment before marriage. Not during engagement, not until after marriage. How to tell if a guy really loves you for who you are... Don't have sex with him. if he loves you, he will invest in you. If he just wants sex and is empty hearted, he will leave... It is a self fixing problem.
  • AlphaAussie
    All valid points why you shouldn't date single moms, too add a couple more

    1. Black mark that she has already possibly emotionally and financially crippled one man in her life.

    2. Single girls are better because when you are having sex it's nice to look down and not see a tummy that looks like chopped steak.
  • LiveFreeorDieHard
    I could never do it but id like to thank all the guys who do. My neigbor is a single mom with two kids and she has a boyfriend so its really cool that he takes of them. I know some guys who lose respect for guys who do that but honestly, its flat out none of their business nor mine but its just cool that a guy doesn't care and steps in.
  • DizzyAster
    4. There's no right or wrong, most likely both parents failed somewhere, but still 'fuck you.' lol :D

    Reasons to date a single mom. If she's about her kids, then she has no time to waste in the romance dept. That means more sex, less stress.
    Hey, moms need love too!!!
  • Marinepilot
    You put it out of the park ! That's the best statement of why men don't want to
    date or marry single moms. One thing I might have added. We aren't wild about
    dealing with psychotic ex-boyfriends or husbands who have heretofore been MIA.
    Suddenly we come onto the seen and they want to be uber daddy or hubby. We
    don't need that shit. Well done.
  • 10dsw
    "So in short? Ladies, do yourself, and the world, a favor. Don't date men unless they are good guys."

    ... And then you go straight back to bad guys a few days later!
  • NinaNina
    haha i get what you mean here. I am a single mother for about 2 years but i have been dating guys from time to time and the main things i consider while dating are pretty much what you mentioned.

    Personally i never get my kids involved with the guy i am dating and neither do i tell them that their mom is "dating" a new guy. Just keeping it low and cool haha

    And yes i totally agree with you on less time, with 2 kids and work, i myself get quite busy with them and have less time with the guy i am usually dating. That is why i mostly keep it casual rather then all in serious relationships.
    • Kids by another are usually a deal breaker. Fact of life.

  • EnigmaStigma
    Wow just wow. Your idiocy is simply astounding. I was getting all worked up thinking wth is this loser's problem... and then I saw this "I have a kid sister who is adopted from China..." NOW I get it. You're one of those typical rich white kids whose older parents paid a couple hundred thousand to adopt overseas just to have a reason to say racist shit at all their dinner parties. "I can't be racist, I have a Chinese kid!!!" Lmao people like you... where do I even start. And then #6, if you're so "cute" and sooo many chicks are just waiting for your bad pickup lines, why spend 30 minutes bashing single moms? It can't just be because you're obviously an idiot. I think one turned you down and this is your way of self-medicating. I mean, how DARE she turn you down right?
  • Wizbit
    The good news is you won't have to worry about being ensnared by one of these undesirable single mum's. I guarantee they won't be queueing up to date you. You're opinionated, judgmental and stereotyping.

    Dating a single mum is not for everyone and that is fine, however the mum's you're describing are caricatures of council estate mum's from a sketch show.

    As a woman with a child, an ex-husband (who left me financially destitute, not vice versa), a job and a committed boyfriend I refute all your claims. I would not waste my time dating you, let alone allowing you within 10 feet of my kid.

    In my opinion girls do not want to date opinionated, ego-centric and judgmental douches but I don't write a My Take slating them because it's my opinion.
    • schnipdip

      nigga you're 33...
      No 20-28 year old really wants to be responsible for another kid. Let alone a kid of their own.

      Simple fix... don't get knocked up in the teens.

    • Wizbit

      @schnipdip and I had my child when I was 27 (also not nigga - just sayin).

      My boyfriend previously dated a single mum when he was 19/20 and had no problem with that either. Asker does not specify ages on this Take, he just decrees all single mothers are scum.

    • And men don't want to clean up some bad boy's mess or settle for their left overs. We don't have to. Fact of life. Deal with it !

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  • genuinlysensitive
    Well said I thought this was all common sense! I guess not so much with single moms.
  • Krillanr
    I don't want kids of my own, so I also don't want someone else's kids.

    That's all the reason I need.
  • orphan
    half the mothers under age 30 with kids are single moms =[

    #5. }
    • All the women I keep meeting in my area are in their early 20s and they have kids already - it pisses me off -_-

  • ArtDent
    Regarding single moms

    No good deed goes unpunished.

    All shit for very little shinola.
  • Wwwyzzerdd
    Excellent take. Took the words right outta my mouth.
  • Under_The_Sun
    Dating single moms (or single dads) can wok perfectly, as long as you're not expected to step in to fill a parent role. Single moms and dads are less likely to pressure you to have kids since they already have them are not willing to have even more work. Also, they are more likely to have surpassed that silly "I want to meet the man/woman of my life, get married and form a beautiful fairytale family" phase.

    Which means you're less pressured to get married, have kids or all these things. Also, because they have to spend time with their kids they won't be clingy to you or suffocate you with their needy ways. So it's perfect for those who value their freedom and independence.

    That - as I said - as long as you're not expected to parent.
  • Mommy3cupcakes
    😢😢😢😢
  • Sabretooth
    wouldn't stop me if i loved her.
  • Anonymous
    I realize I am late to the party. Good take, although you came off a bit too rude which I warrant will make this hard to swallow for most people.
  • Anonymous
    Fantastic MyTake, I agree 100%
  • Anonymous
    Id say #5. Then I'd always be leery that the guy would come back in the picture and she would leave me, so it's key to get in there and deliver it good and she keep wanting your wang and not give him a second thought, and he would never have his Peter skinners on her again
  • Anonymous
    Pretty good list. However, in my opinion, single moms just piss me off. To before more specific and drive the point home, I mean YOUNG SINLGE MOMS. When you're in 30s, you should expect to see a lot of single moms, but I see them a lot of single moms between the ages of 18-26 already! I am not trying to sound mean here... but here is a scenario I see all the time (and here is a recent convo I had with a 22 year old single mom):

    Me: What happened to your daughter's dad?

    Her: We weren't good for one another. He didn't treat me right and I stopped trusting him after a while because he became very dishonest and started cheating. I just felt like he didn't appreciate me.

    Me: If you had so many problems with him... where did your daughter come into play?

    Her: I didn't know he was a cheater until after my daughter was born. I felt like I ignored a lot of red flags during our relationship because our sex life covered a lot of our issues.

    I'm 25... and I hear this mess all the time. I meet a lot of women in my area, ages 19-26... and that story is always the same, just about. I live in Dallas, TX by the way, if that matters.

    If a woman blindly goes for a guy she knows in her heart isn't that good to begin with and has a kid with him, that just tells me she is not good at making decisions. Women seem to consciously choose worthless men and then get pissed when they guy doesn't want them anymore.
    • Anonymous

      Also... I would like to mention that it's even sadder when I see 19-26 year old women with 2-3 kids already... some with 2 baby daddies... like... what are you doing? Why would I even want to date a young woman who has multiple kids already?

    • I am a native Texan and I well remember seeing this too. Single moms ain't for me !

    • You don't need that. Conversely, no single woman needs a single dad with 2-3 kids by as many women, That river flows both ways.

  • Anonymous
    AS SIMPLE AS THAT
  • Anonymous
    I know a couple of single moms having problems on guys wanting to commit. It's hard already for us single ladies to find a guy who wants to commit.
    • How old are the single moms kids? I would say it'd be easier for a single parent to find someone when their kids are grown up as opposed to someone whose kids are still in their single digits.

    • Anonymous

      @bloodmountain1990 The kids are still in the single digits :/

  • Anonymous
    Brilliant mytake!!!
    Well said, I love how true this actually is.
    :) :) :)
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