Part three in my series of explaning things that women often do not understand about men.
So. If you've been online, or in real life, or watched tv, or spoken to other human beings, you know that for a huge percen of men--I would personally argue at least 50% for white men--a woman having children is a deal breaker in dating. Done, not interested, thanks for playing.
A lot of women, and single moms, are puzzled and/or angered by this. After all, if they have their own job, their own place, and they are taking care of the kid just fine, why should men care? I think an explanation serves both to help single moms understand, and to help girls realize how vital it is that they not have children until they are in a committed, serious relationship with a man who will be there.
I will explain a few of the reasons, in no particular order. I should note that due to cultural differences, fertility rates, and marriage rate differences--this take applies mainly to whites. I can't speak for blacks or latinos.
1. No one likes being second or third or fourth place.
I don't know about all other countries, but in the USA it is practically the 11th Commandment. For single moms, their children come first. Always, forever. It's a fact, like the sun rising in the east and setting in the west. It is an unchangeable fact that most men probably wouldn't change.
Doesn't mean we have to like it. How many single men wish to find a woman to commit to? How many women will expect that she is his number one committment in life? At the same time, he knows that single moms will definitely put the children first. When a wife puts the children over the husband, it makes the marriage more miserable for the man--and those are his kids too. With a single mom, he is second or third place to another man's offspring. It's like skipping the honeymoon and pregnancy and going straight to the wife nagging that he needs to pick up the kids from soccer.
2. Just because we're dating does not mean we want to adopt as well.
Adoption is great. I have a kid sister who is adopted from China--my mom wanted another child, my parents agreed her becoming pregnant again would be quite risky health wise, so they chose to adopt. I get along great with her and we're tight.
But there is no way in hell I would want to adopt a child myself anytime soon, if ever. Why should I? If I am single and looking, I want a woman to make a relationship with. Not a ready made family where I am the third wheel. My career is finally looking up--in a few years if I am with a great woman, I might be open to have a child. Now? No. Another man's kids? HELL no.
Let's also keep in mind that when a couple adopts, the kid is not related to either parent. Dating a single mom is a little closer to how a woman might feel if the guy knocked up a mistress.
3. Less free time/bonding time.
Let's face it. If you are just working 40 hours a week, getting out there, meeting people, dating, is hard enough to get into between the roadbumps of life like car problems or health issues, not to mention hobbies, your family committments to your parents/siblings. If you work and go to school? Ouch. You have a full schedule.
A single mom, unless she's one of those welfare mommies that work 25 hours a week and survive off of food stamps, is probably working at least 40 hours a week at work. Her child is another full time job, aside from when she literally pays another person to care for it as a babysitter or day care worker or nanny. It's like trying to date someone with a full time job and a part time job.
4. Kids deserve a stable father figure, even if the mother failed in that area.
Kids need a father figure. For many men, this discourages us from dating a single mom, because of the sheer committment. Who wants to be that jerk who dates the mom, the kids start looking up to him like a dad, and then if something happens or things go bad, he has to leave those kids all heartbroken or be stuck in misery? That's where those tragic movies about the lonesome child ending up a serial killer or carjacker or drug addict come from.
5. We usually do not want to raise another man's children.
We are biological creatures with instincts, after all. And that includes being selfish--wanting to take care of ourselves the most, and those related to us, or sleeping with us, some. And those not related to us or loving us...
Kids are a huge investment, and our instincts say that having kids is how we pass our genes along, blah blah, survival of the fittest, blah blah. What that boils down to is simply--not our kids, not our problem, why invest all our time and money and energy into some other guy's kids? It's like how you might put up with someone from your siblings or your parents, while if a coworker or person at a shop did the same thing, you would want to beat their faces into your cubicle wall, or smash a mannequin on their heads. On another, even more base level, it's a loss. Some other guy banged this girl first, knocked her up, and now he is not even stuck raising the kids. Do you want to clean up his mess?
6. We don't need to date single moms.
Literally. There are plenty of other women out there, wishing cute guys like us would walk up and talk to them. At the petstore, working at a nearby restuaraunt, feeling lonesome at church... everywhere. All it takes is a smile, a few sentences of conversation starter, and we know if she's interested. If not, we just wasted 30 seconds of our life, and on to the next one.
Due to more and more women delaying marriage/kids/relationships for career and education, most men who have any options really don't need to settle. They can easily find a girl with no kids. In 2012, 95.9% of girls age 15-19 did not have kids, 75.2% of women 20-24 did not have kids, and 49.6 percent of women 25-29 did not have kids. So even a thirty year old man does not need to settle or be accepting of single moms, at those rates, much less college age men. Childlessness at record heights among American Women
So in short? Ladies, do yourself, and the world, a favor. Don't date men unless they are good guys. And don't have kids unless a good guy is going to be there with you to be a family.