The Stress, Confusion, and Anxiety Of Dating Someone That Acts Hot and Cold


Dating should be fun and exciting for the most part, but when someone acts hot and cold CONSISTENTLY, it seems like you're better off without them to avoid the headache and anxiety. It can also mess you up mentally, depending on how much you like the person, with how to deal with people you date in the future.

The Stress, Confusion, and Anxiety Of Dating Someone That Acts Hot and Cold

A few months ago, I met a girl off a dating site who was very cute and had so many things in common with me from music/movie taste, political views, outlooks on life, etc. Not that I thought she was perfect; she still had her flaws and certain things would annoy me but it was refreshing to meet someone like her considering how many women I've dated who I had nothing in common with at all or we just didn't click with our conversations.

Here's the catch: she just got out of a 5 year relationship a few weeks before seeing me and didn't reveal that until after we had our first date. We had an amazing first date and it was just unreal because our conversations were endless and it lasted way longer than I expected. Plus we made out to my favorite bands that she put on, and I felt like I could talk to her about anything. She also consistently acted hot and cold. We'd text each other and she'd send Snapchats and like/comment my Instagram posts but when I'd ask her out, which was only once a week, she'd say she was busy, maybe only to say she couldn't with no plans of rescheduling.

This happened for 3 weeks until she asked me out for our 2nd date. It was an absolute mindfuck. I was cautious since she just got out of a 5 year relationship. I took it very slow because I liked her and wanted to give it a shot since we had so much in common but it was a roller-coaster of uncertainty and when it ended, it ended horribly. The dates themselves were amazing, but contact in between was very inconsistent due to her behavior. It was just an absolute mindfuck because we made out to some of my favorite bands, she brought up how much we had in common and would randomly text me about stuff going on in my town that she's never been to. This made me think she had some interest.

Here are 5 things I've learned from dating someone that acts hot and cold.

The Stress, Confusion, and Anxiety Of Dating Someone That Acts Hot and Cold

1. It leads to a lot of over-analyzing.

When you talk to someone and you seem to hit it off and they seem really into you, but then the next day or two, they seem to want nothing to do with you, it can really mess with you. Sure, people get busy with work, school, and other things from time to time but if they do this constantly, it makes you wonder whether they're really interested or not or if what you said turned them off and caused them to lose interest, even if it was nothing weird or regarding dating them/relationships status/sex, etc.

There's been times where I'd ask a question about a fest she was at or something regarding an interest that she'd bring up, then she'd read the message but not respond. This is also very mentally unhealthy.

2. You feel like you're walking on eggshells with them and it could end any minute.

This kinda builds off number 1, but you feel like if a person acts constantly wishy-washy or ignores you out of the blue even over simple shit, you feel like you gotta scrutinize every word you say/text and contact them as little as possible, or one tiny thing they don't like could end it all. This is also very stressful because no one's perfect and you feel like you fucked everything up over the smallest thing and then they make you feel like you're the bad person, needy, or desperate once it ends.

I don't have any patience for this. I'd rather be with someone who enjoys me for who I am and doesn't make me jump through obstacles or play these stupid games, where I gotta wait hours/days/weeks to text them back; otherwise I'm "too needy/available". I mean you don't have to blow up someone's phone and be in contact with them 24/7 but if you enjoy being with each other, why play games?

The Stress, Confusion, and Anxiety Of Dating Someone That Acts Hot and Cold

3. It can create neediness and a need for constant reassurance.

This is another result of dating someone who acts hot and cold. You feel constantly unsure of where you stand if they act this way all the time that whenever they send you a text, snapchat, or call you after ignoring you for awhile, you think, "okay, they're still interested." Having said that, I never got on her case about it because I didn't wanna push her away and seem bothered because that would have ended it sooner. I'd usually talk it over with my friends for their advice before contacting her because I never wanted to be in the position of cornering her or getting on her case for acting this way.

4. They're most likely playing you.

Chances are if a person is acting this way, they are most likely multi-dating and putting you on the back burner. Now there's nothing wrong with multi-dating until exclusivity is brought up with someone. But when you act hot and cold with someone, it just gives them false hope and messes with their head. I found out the hard way she was playing me because the last date I had with her, she invited me to her place and everything was going great until the end. We watched movies together, made out for a while and she even told me what made me attract her initially, bought me drinks and food at the bar while flirting with me and getting touchy-feely.

But then when we went back to her place and had sex, she asked me to go into her room and when I got up to take my shirt off, there was an empty condom wrapper just laying in the bed from another guy. I didn't say anything because we weren't together but she knew I saw it and said that's trash and gasped. Then after I left her place, I didn't hear from her for a few days, texted her and got no response. We were supposed to go to a fest the next weekend that she asked me to go to and when I tried calling her to let her know I didn't care about the condom wrapper, instead of picking up, she texted me saying she wasn't interested and blocked me from social media like I'm the one who screwed up. I felt so used and betrayed considering she invited me over the last time. To add insult to injury she victimized herself.

The Stress, Confusion, and Anxiety Of Dating Someone That Acts Hot and Cold

5. When dealing with other women/men, who don't act this way, you feel like you have to play games of being distant and taking forever to respond or else you'll ruin your chances with them.

After it ended with this girl, I looked for other women and it caused me to rethink my whole entire approach to dating and who I was, as if there was something really wrong with me that caused things to end the way they did. It caused me to question my actions, take forever to respond to some and give short responses because I was worried they'd think I'm needy if I sent a long text, respond too soon, etc. Dealing with this woman, especially since she had a lot in common with me, left a lasting effect and made me think there was a lot wrong with me. It made me unsure of if I was doing too little or too much.

Overall, dating someone like this can really mess you up. No matter how much in common you have with someone or how much you like them, never ignore red flags like these. It just seems like dating someone who constantly acts like this, is more of a headache and heartache, that you're better off not dating anyone and all then dealing with this shit. I don't have patience for mind games. I've also learned that dating someone on the rebound could put you in their shoes. Despite having dates and sex with a few women after her, I still wasn't over her.

It really bummed me out over this too because while I know there's plenty of women out there, I never had so much in common with someone until I met her and even when I told friends about my experiences with her, they'd say that's your dream girl, or she's a keeper.

The Stress, Confusion, and Anxiety Of Dating Someone That Acts Hot and Cold
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  • Falling4UTC

    I know this guy. Its a long story so I'll skip most of it. But he would be super sweet and kind and compliment me, then go ignore my messages for days but talk to other people. I was always unsure if I was being dramatic. I still don't know tbh. We fought and I left but a month later we made up somehow. I'm so nervous now, I've actually said myself that I'm walking on eggshells with him. I'm afraid if I say one word incorrectly he will be gone. Its like Taylor Swifts song Dear John (give it a listen.) "Counting the footsteps, praying the floor won't fall through... Again" "I lived in your chess game but you changed the rules everyday. Wondering which version of you I might get on the phone tonight" "maybe its me and my blind optimism to blame, or maybe itditdyou and your sick need to give love then take it away." "Never impressed by me acing your tests" honestly that song is too relevant. Whenever he reads and doesn't reply I get so worried and I get depressed anfoverthink BC I feel he doesn't even wannabe around me but only likes the attention. He was super sweet tonight, I just hope it stays this way.
    Is this still revelant?
    • Anonymous

      Yeah that sounds suspicious. How often do you see him in person?

      Yeah that's exactly how I felt. There'd be times where she'd initiate through text or snapchat then out of the blue she'd ignore a message but it showed that she read it and my text would have nothing to do with me and her dating, the future or anything like that then ignore me for a day or two. It made me wonder if I was being too clingy, especially since I liked her.

      Since she was on the rebound, I took it super slow and didn't wanna appear readily available, but still got screwed over and had to play her mind games.

    • Anonymous

      And I'm not a Taylor Swift fan but those lyrics sound spot on and relatable.

      Another weird thing is this girl would randomly text me about stuff going on in my town, which she's never been to as she lives in the city and has only been there for a year. And then we'd have long conversations and she'd laugh at my jokes, snap chats, but then when I'd ask her out she'd say maybe or she's busy and always have some excuse with no plans to reschedule. Then after doing that for 3 weeks she asked me out to a movie, pulled a 180 and acted sweet and more interested in me. She even asked if I wanted to go to her friends place afterwards which I thought was a good sign.

    • Anonymous

      But yeah I hear ya. I felt like I had to be cautious and scrutinize everything I said or else she'd leave for good. It's not worth it to be with someone who you have to put on a front for to impress or jump through obstacles aka mind games to prove yourself to them. Sometimes being alone is better than that.

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • Fathoms77
    Don't waste your time with this. Frankly, I would've been gone in the first week because it's just painfully obvious when a girl isn't THAT into you. Going hot and cold just means you're a Plan B at best; either that or she's freakin' bipolar, or something.

    I mean, wasn't the condom a clue? :P
    • Anonymous

      Well yeah, but that was date 3 when I found the condom. Not on date 1.

    • Anonymous

      And I'm not wasting my time with this, it's over. It ended a few months ago. It's just a learning lesson from dating someone who acts hot and cold. And she wasn't always like that. We had talked for 3 weeks and even the week leading up to our first date, she'd send a lot of snapchats, text me about bands I liked having shows coming up months later. It was confusing. I think her just getting out of a 5 year relationship had a big part to do with it.

      Even in the week before I found the condom wrapper, she was hitting me up a lot, asked me to go to a concert, and would randomly text me stuff going on in the town I live in, which she's never been to. Absolute mindfuck.

  • Saoirse_Nua
    Yeah I was in a relationship like that - It is so tough and emotionally draining
    • Anonymous

      Yeah it is. You feel like it causes you to be needy. How long did it last?

    • About 5 years - It was a huge mistake for me

    • Anonymous

      You're brave for dealing with that for 5 years. What were her traits of acting hot and cold? Did she always act like that through the relationship?

    • Show All
    I am currently in this situation. We talk and text every day. See each other every week or two weeks as we live in different cities. He will initiate conversation and then just not reply for hours and tells me he's bad at communicating. When we spend time together he treats me perfectly and we get on so well it makes me forget how inconsiderate his behaviour is.
    I've never felt like I've had to chase someone before and it's messing with my self esteem but I really like him and the time we spend together is wonderful.
    My gut instinct tells me to walk away and find someone who will treat how I deserve to be treated.
    • Anonymous

      How long have you been seeing him?

      Yeah that's how it was for me. Up until the condom situation happened, our dates were great and she treated me well on them too, but the behavior was so inconsistent. It brought the worst out of me thinking that each text, snapchat, etc after being ignored so long was reassurance that she was still interested.

      It made me feel needy which I didn't like and I didn't wanna be in that position of asking her about it because I didn't want her to think I was clingy or possessive and scare her off as we weren't exclusive but it was still a pain in the ass.

    • Anonymous

      I mean how much do you like this guy? Do you see potential despite his behavior?

      If it really gets you that much then you might wanna look for someone else because staying with a guy like that can ruin your perception of dating and ruin your self esteem like it did with mine.

      Not to put said girl in question on a pedestal but it made me realize that no matter how much you have in common or how cute someone is, you never ignore or overlook red flags. I didn't necessarily ignore the red flags. I just asked my friend about them but I still kept seeing her nonetheless.

      It was so hard to walk away before it ended because we had so much in common, more than any girl I've ever dated. But her acting hot and cold was so tricky. Usually if someone has no interest or lost it, they don't initiate any texting or communication through social media at all.

  • Adigelunar
    thts good!
    • Anonymous

      What's good?