The Friend Zone Isn't Real

[Anonymous]

The friend zone isn't real. The reality is, people who believe it's real, have not managed to assert what it is they want from their personal relationship to someone else and instead of owning that, they blame the other person for supposedly putting them in a place of friendship. I think it does guys in general, a huge disservice to suggest that they cannot simply be friends with a woman, and vice versa, without feeling as though they are sexually unsatisfied or without some hope that eventually the two "must have" sex in order to co-exist. Also as the video above suggests, someone can't simply be nice to another human being, again without the promise of some sort of sex or sexual favor.

I think it all goes back to the beginning, and this idea by some guys, who let's be honest, do most of the asking out of the opposite sex, that if he asks a girl out, she is in some way obligated to go out with him...just because he asked. Attraction doesn't work that way. You are "allowed" to say no, or in the case of hanging out with someone you think is nice, to just want to be friends with that person. It is incredibly presumptuous to assume that being nice should equal sex, or because you are attractive, or because you exist, or because you ask someone out, that they are in some way indebted to you, especially in a sexual way.

If you are a guy or a girl and you have no intentions of EVER being friends with the object of your desire, it is you who must assert that premise. It is you who must say that you don't want to "just" hang out, or volunteer to help them, or have lunch. You must assert you in no way want to be "just" friends, but that you actually want to date them, or if so bold, to have sex with them. If you never make that clear, don't put that on the other person when you don't end up with the relationship you wanted or actually, you know, listen to a person who says to you, hey I...just...want...to...be...friends, because odds are they mean it and if you are dumb enough to stick around thinking you're going to change their minds, five years later when you're "still friends," that's your fault, not the other persons because they told you up front what they wanted and you ignored that thinking you could change their minds or that they'd eventually come round if you just waited it out.

Man and woman can very much co-exist as friends as long as the two are very honest about what they want with their interactions and both honor that. If you can't be honest with yourself and say what it is you want from the other person or walk away because you know you don't want a friendship with someone you desire more than that, that doesn't make the other person a jerk simply because you didn't get what you want...that's life, and sometimes, it doesn't work out, and people aren't attracted to us, or people just want to be friends with us, and nothing more.

[coachTanthony]

I kind of like this Take... I can't stand stupid excuses... So many dudes are afraid of rejection and so they enter the "so called friendzone" of their own will and stupidity. I have always said... "It's better to be rejected and received then not know if they feel the same way. I wrote a take on this a while back... it's below. Nice MyTake... I would like to smash a pie in that chicks face on the video though! Just for fun. HA

www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a29124-how-men-can-avoid-the-friendzone-for-good

[coachTanthony]

www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a29124-how-men-can-avoid-the-friendzone-for-good

[Cccgala]

The feeling of being "friend-zoned" is real but it exists under a misnomer. I would rather have that zone called "stranger-zone" rather than "friend-zone" because after rejection, the rejected person loathes, irrespective of duration, decreasing the likelihood of maintaining to be friends again with the person who rejected him/her, making it more likely for the two of them to act as strangers rather than acquaintances or friends.

[Apope16]

This well written but just plain wrong. Nobody chooses to be in the friendzone and sometimes attraction sexually happen after prolonged friendship. Therefore, a friendship has been established and out of respect for the value of that friendship one is careful to consider opening up with their feelings. there's NOTHING wrong with that.

In the end, the power is in the hands of the decider. The person makes a proposition to be more than friends and the decider chooses. If they choose not to, then the person is left as a friend but want more. That is being friendzoned.

Also, the author refuses to accept that sexual attractions are not a choice. The person friend zoned can't turn them off like some light switch.

[rjroy3]

I find it interesting how adamant some people are about saying the friendzone doesn't exist. Of course it does. There's few reasons why you may be in it or put someone there and it's entirely in your control whether you choose to stay there or not. But to just deny the existence of it entirely is silly.

Do I feel sorry for people in the friendzone? No, because they've accepted that position and didn't have the courage to do something about it and continue in a situation they are not content. Most guys have met at least one of their girlfriend's guy friends who turned out to be "that guy" and it's sad. Because you know and he knows you know, yet you can't say anything about it. You just have to accept there being that guy around who hasn't crossed the line yet (or attempted in the past and failed. Maybe he's seeing other girls, but still wants your girl), wants to fuck your girlfriend but because of their history he's just a part of her circle of friends and his place in her group is more solid than your own.

Or by chance she got with you and she considered dating him in the past and he's now newly single and "just" a friend now. He likea her, she used to have a thing for him and probably still finds him attractive but she's maintaining him as just a friend. That is also the friendzone.

And the thing is there are many relationships that start with someone that was previously in the friend box so to speak. I think when people think friendzone there's a picture in their mind it's just one hopeless romantic and the other person has no clue, because they've never made a move. Oftentimes the other person knows and doesn't want to accept it, because they don't want to lose the friendship. So they'll try to find sly ways of turning the friend off and making some separation while still maintaining their idea of a friendship.

There's several different reasons and circumstances surrounding the topic that makes it not as black and white. However, I do agree the victim thinking that oftentimes comes with the friendzone topic is disingenuous. It's a simple situation of the relationship being held at most to friendship, by the actions of one person. Leaving the other person to accept it or blow themselves out/exit the situation.

[HorrorFan]

God isn't real. The friend zone is merely a concept explaining how humanity tends to deal with unrequited love. Of course it is real.

"people who believe it's real, have not managed to assert what it is they want from their personal relationship to someone else and instead of owning that, they blame the other person for supposedly putting them in a place of friendship."

The problem with your argument is that quite a few people on this site and in real life will explain how they want to develop their relationships through friendships first. Thus, some people are naturally going to assume that remaining friends with the other person could possibly lead to something more down the road. At that point, some of the responsibility does shift to the one denying the relationship. They should be communicating to the other person that there are no romantic feelings and probably never will be.

Men can be friends with women, but let's not pretend it's an equal level of desire. Women want friendship with men more than men want friendship with women. Women are naturally more social creatures that tend to care more about expanding their social circles with all types of people, whereas men will fill a lot of those holes with hobbies, activities and additional work related things. Generally when men want to spend time with women, it's for romantically related reasons.

"I think it all goes back to the beginning, and this idea by some guys, who let's be honest, do most of the asking out of the opposite sex, that if he asks a girl out, she is in some way obligated to go out with him... just because he asked."

Virtually no one thinks this. Sure, some guys that are successful normally might not quite understand why a girl is saying no, but normal guys don't feel obligated to anything. They are merely attempting to go down a path they feel may lead to romantic success, however misguided. A big issue here is that women tend to sugar coat virtually everything. They don't often directly say no. Let's also be realistic here. Women often enjoy having access to men to do favors for them in a one sided manner.

Again, men are trying to WORK for that sex. They aren't expecting it. More women need to learn to say "No. I'm not attracted to you. Please leave me alone." and this would happen less often, but they tend to be too scared to hurt men's feelings.

[HorrorFan]

Both sides must assert their feelings. This is how communication works among human beings. The fact that a good chunk of humanity want to build their relationships through friendship first muddles this all greatly.

"I just want to be friends" is pure sugar coating. Why would a person want to be friends with a man or woman that is in love with them? That is incredibly selfish.

Man and woman can co-exist as friends ONLY when neither party wants anything above friendship. Otherwise both parties are operating under delusions.

People aren't obligated to be friends any more than they are obligated to give in to an unwanted relationship.

People certainly DO need to learn to walk away just as people need to learn to be completely blunt about their lack of attraction and how it will likely never generate down the road.

[MrMysteryMan]

Yep. It took some time for me to understand this, because I have a pretty high sex drive and I am very attracted to women. Also I was introduced to the idea of sexual attraction to girls/women at a very young age. As far back as, I would say, grade 3/4 girls would invite me in a private area in the "CLASSROOM" and we would do the "I'll show you mine, you show me yours" sort of thing. I remember this one girl let me put my hands down the back of her pants reaching into the front, in grade 3, in the middle of quiet reading time! That same girl, I think, is probably how I got an ass/asshole fetish or an inclining to it. Perhaps anyhow. I can't really know for sure. Growing up, the girls down the street, we would do the same. I remember in the backyard of this girl (still Elementary) a friend down the block. We used to hang out a lot, she was a good friend. But we would have some intimate occasions where she would lay on the backyard lawn chair in her bikini and would invite me to see and explore her body. Her parents were even home at the time. Maybe I exude a strong sexual aura about me, but I do easily fall into intimacy with women when around them long enough (or short enough). Not that I get women easily, not saying that at all. But it's not difficult at all to be intimate with a woman from just dating them a short while. And by short while, I mean like 1-2 dates.

Anyhow, sorry for spouting off and into my own thoughts there. But to the point of the TAKE, I had to take some time for myself and away from the intimacy aspect of women to truly "get" the fact that women are HUMAN just like I am. They do all the smelly, rude, weird, normal, fun, stressful experiences I do, just in a different package, all be it, prettier package. I spent some time just as a friend and hung out with a one and then with a whole group just going to clubs and chillin. Maybe movies or hearing about their stories at their house about this date here and this guy there. They also confided in me on what areas they liked about me and what things I do that I could work on. You know, like a good friend would. I found out, from all this, that you can be sexually and sensually appealing to a woman, but they don't necessarily want that from you. At least not right away. Also, a woman on one hand will find you drop dead attractive, and then her close friend or another one would have no interest at all in this way with you. Maybe as a cool guy, but no "spark" if you will. continued...

[MrMysteryMan]

continued...

Attraction is pretty subjective and unique to every individual. I always laugh at those, "Sexiest Man Alive" or "Hottest Woman Ever" titles on those stupid mags they have. It's always a Celebrity as well. The only reason they choose a Celebrity, first of all, is because he is more observed by the masses, and also, recognizable for everything he/she does. Also, you really believe that you can have just one man/woman in the 7+ billion that inhabit this planet we call our home, EARTH, that only ONE of each species is the sexiest or most beautiful? The fact that we've had annual beauty pageants and annual "sexiest man" contests for centuries, should tell you this is a falsity. You can be the best someones sexual attraction, but not everyones. And don't expect kindness or good looks as a sure win for sex or to get with anyone.

[brain5000]

Right. Liked. The Friendzone isn't real, nor should it be real.

If you think of yourself as in the Friendzone, get out. YOU HAVE BEEN REJECTED. Repeat: YOU ARE REJECTED. The "Friendzone" is nothing but a LOVE DUMPSTER. Get out! Never she him/her again. Get away. You've been rejected and you will keep being rejected if you stay.

On the other hand, as with the bearded man in the video, you are "okay with that," you are not in the "friendzone," you are "friends." And you are indeed okay with that. You might have been attracted at one time, but you took a hose to that shit and put out those flames, and you can now content yourself with being around her and not smearing your tongue all over her chest.

By the way, as for the guy in the video, check out the look on his face at the end. He's not "okay with that!" Who is he kidding?

GET OUT NOW MAN. Go home, order your own pizza for pick up on the way. DON'T GO WITH HER. Go home, get drunk, stuff your face with pizza and play video games. NURSE THAT BROKEN HEART. Get over that picture-hanging bitch immediately so you can get on with your life!

[BuchitaBuchys]

I agree with this ^^^^

[Muglintar]

Friendzone exists.
3 possible combinations:
a) guy likes girl, girl fancies guy ("to fancy someone" = like romantically) - result "short term friendship", as she will wreak havoc on him, as soon as he starts hitting on other girls in her presence.
b) guy fancies girl, girl likes guy - longer term friendship, red pill men call this "orbiter", in worst case she will make use of him, whenever there is a need to fix the car, drain a sewage or her bills start piling (etc.). Very rarely this will end up in occasional sex, but that's to be seen as repayment, which makes her actually a "professional".
c) guy likes girl, girl likes guy - true friendship quite possible, difficulty other friends and families will often tell those two how good they harmozie and what a wonderful couple they would be making. So third parties will frequently try to push their friendship into a romantic dimension, which can be quite annoying.

(d) guy fancies girl, girl fancies guy - excluded, because that's a relationship.

[lord_chilled]

This guy knows what he is talking about

[Rloco]

The friendzone is just a name. The relationship where one individual wants a romantic relationship and one does not does exist. But one is free to walk away. The only case where this is not true is if a guy obviously has developed feelings and a girl knows this but continues the friendship. This is extremely tlrare but happens on occasion. This coming from an actual nice guy the friendzone only exists if you let it. Which I have in the past. I'm always in the situation where girls immediately see me as a friend. A few times I've likes girls and they emphasize friendship so I don't share my feelings. I enjoy their company so I continue to be friends. But unlike majority of guys I actually value a women's friendship. I share more common interests and opinions as them which probably why I'm seen as a friend. For those guys who are feeling sorry for yourselves look at the positive. At least girls like your personality and enjoy your company. I may never have a girlfriend or get married but at least I'll never be alone. I'll always have people who actually care about me. I know most guys probably think I'm some sort of wimp or "weak" male but I don't care. I'm me I like myself and to every guy you should like yourself too and focus less on the negatives.

[btbc92]

Glad you're more mature in this area. Don't worry, as long as you believe in yourself like you are now, you will eventually find a perspective partner who would love you and see the kindness you have. I respect you for this!

[englisc]

They probably only view you as a friend because that's probably all you present yourself as? Do you flirt with these women?

[Anonymous]

Actual it is real. Even women can see it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a9XDb0nxSO4

3 thing that matter to women:

1. Looks (Height and Face)

s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/.../...6089145980.jpg

2. Money

manboobz.files.wordpress.com/.../...22-d4ix79b.jpg

3. Social Status (Popularity/Job Status/Social connection)

bodyandbeing.lmc.gatech.edu/.../...cial_status.jpg

This is all that matters to women. Everything else is BS. Remember that guys.

[ASEXY]

The words 'friend zone" doesn't exist in my vocabulary. But it's been defined as "a situation in which a friendship exists between two people, one of whom has an unreciprocated romantic or sexual interest in the other." Everyone in this world is either a relative, friend, acquaintance, enemy or stranger to me. I don't do relationships and sex because I'm aromantic and asexual. If a "friend" doesn't like it, too bad. They can stop being "friends" with me and I don't want to be friends with someone that likes me like that or a person who could eventually develop feelings like that for me. I don't want someone to pretend to be my friend while wishing to have romantic or sexual relations with me. This happened to me in the past and I stopped being friends with them because it felt awkward after they let me know and I couldn't help but be an asshole to them. This is why I prefer to be friends with straight guys, lesbians, and asexual/aromantic people because I don't have to worry about them being attracted to me and feeling "friend zoned"...

[Anonymous]

No.

The "Friend Zone" as you described it, isn't real.

But most people know that the friend zone isn't how you described it at all. Either disingenuous or wilfully ignorant to get a clickhappy headline.

The friendzone is real. But guys (and girls) march themselves into it, no one gets thrown in there against their will.

Maybe you've been lucky. As a girl you probably have. But guys have ABSOLUTELY had experience with the sort of girl who constantly hints that she might be ready for more, some day. And gets all clingy and flirty as soon as you start dating someone else.

This article from The Onion illustrates the point very well, though it's mocking the guys for not realising they are in such a zone, and getting the hell out of there.

TLDR; Don't be surprised if most people tell you you're wrong.

www.theonion.com/.../but-if-we-started-dating-it-would-ruin-our-friends-11473

[Anonymous]

Yes men and women can co-exist as "friends" nothing wrong with that. I got two galpals I like very much. They have never tried to take advantage of me besides asking for male advice.

However many women can go on 3, 4 or more dates with a guy, never offer to pay a penny for entertainment/meals, not reciprocate flirty innuendos (or sex outright) and THEN friendzone him although she knows god damn well he wants more than that. If a guy flat out asks to have sex most girls will freeze up and turn him down (even though the idea might have been floating around her mind too). You women have CONDITIONED MEN TO NOT BE STRAIGHTFORWARD. It's considered sexist, rude and even harassment. We can thank feminism for that.

How nice and convenient for many women... free meals/entertainment with nothing to provide in return besides her almighty presence. I know it's happened to me a few times and I'm sure it's happened to least 90% of the guys on GAG.

And don't tell me that I'm just "hanging out with the wrong girls". About 75% of you are the "wrong girls" if the guy is too nice. Although there is a minority of women who appreciate a genuine nice guy (I prefer the term "good guy") the really are the exception nowadays, not the rule.

[cth96190]

My response as a man: BULLSHIT!
I spent my teens and 20s in the Friend Zone. It is real.
The Friend Zone is where female put a male who is not exciting/interesting enough for them to want to fuck, but he might have some utility value at some point in the future, so they want to keep him in their orbit.
Female after female put me in the Friend Zone, because I was not an exciting bad boy.
About the age of 30 women have the epiphany that the bad boys, who made them tingle in their panties when they were 20, were not husband material never would be. For young women, sociopaths are what make them wet.

[myTake Owner]

And I would call Bull on all that you've said because you have a thing called free will. You can very much walk away from a situation if its not what you want or nothing is happening. The truth is you wanted something to happen and so you stayed and endured the friendship role hoping that things would improve, but you have eyes to see that she had boyfriends or was sleeping with other people other than you, so you should have walked away. Now you blame the girls. You blame society. You blame life. You blame the bad boys.

[cth96190]

I did walk away, once I understood what was going on.
Walking away did not stop the telephone calls during the night when one of these women had been bashed, or thrown out on to the street, by her exciting bad boy of the month.
I was the white knight mangina, who was not exciting enough for a relationship, but reliable and capable enough to rescue her when she was in distress.
By the time that I was 30, I had figured out that the women and their bad boys deserved each other.

[myTake Owner]

Just like I said, you had free will, and you had a choice as to whether or not you were going to pick up those calls, and you did. Just as she shouldn't be surprised in the end that the bad boys were crap, you shouldn't be somehow surprised when you answer the call even though you weren't in a relationship with these women, that you went over to help and nothing happened. The truth is, if you want to be nice to a girl, be nice to her and don't expect that should equal sex or other type of relationship. If you want more and aren't getting it, then yeah, look elsewhere, but don't play the card of, well, I was treated so unfairly. You're not a slave, get up and leave. Stop helping them move, and mowing their lawns, and picking up the phone. You keep you in that so called "friend zone," not them.

[cth96190]

I did not 'expect' anything, or hope for anything.
Once I realised that I was in the Friend Zone, that was the end of it and I understood that.
The reason that I responded to calls for help was that I was a decent human being, who had been raised by his mother to treat females as special princesses.
It took me until I was about 30 to realised that what my mother had taught me was the opposite of what was necessary to be successful with women.
When I stopped giving a fuck and began to go out of my way to avoid interaction with women, they began to come sniffing around. I was not rude. I was not disrespectful. I was simply not interested any more and practised the art of remaining unresponsive to female displays of interest.
My attitude was and remains that they can go back to the drunk/junkie/jobless bad boy in welfare housing, who was so exciting for her when she was 20. They deserve each other.

[Browneye57]

Gaah!! Naw. Totally naive here.
Women who know men they don't want to have sex with FZ them. That's what it is. Don't deny you don't do it.
Where you failed here is that you are only looking at this from your own position, as a woman - you fail to realize that men are different than women. And you failed to recognize the difference between alpha (assertive) and beta (submissive) men. Beta chumps are the first to get FZ'd - women aren't very attracted in the first place, but they'll keep them around if they kiss their ass, follow them, validate them. It's like the gay guys, women just love having them around cuz they're just like their girlfriends.

Goes back to one of my favorite truths: If a woman wants you they will break all the rules to be with you. If they don't they'll make up a rule every day why they can't.

[MusicMayhem]

For me there is no friendzone. I'm smart enough to realise that if a girl tries to friendzone me, I'm only going to get hurt emotionally by staying in contact knowing she doesn't want me so I delete her number, fb etc. There are 7 billion people in this world, it's not the end of the world if you lose one.

In any case it's awkward as fuck cause the person who friendzoned the other will never hang out as friends because the friendzoned person will try push the boundaries of friend, getting a bit too friendly trying to win them back.

[Unit1]

On point, brother ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I'd do the same.
Well, except I do not set them out of sight and out of mind completely. I just won't attach myself to them. Don't ask me how it works because that's maybe just me.

[CrystalChild]

the friend zone is often conjured up in the "zoned" person's mind in order to come to terms with despite this connection and emotional energy spent, the other party is not clicking with them.

There are cases where people string others along because the "zonee" has things to offer and theyre too insecure to cut them loose. In this case, I would argue that that isn't a "friend zone" at all, for a friend would not use another person or take advantage of their feelings. So I agree, the friendzone is a coping mechanism, not a real relationship

[Curmudgeon]

I think you are misstating it and making the wrong assertion, for the Friend Zone definitely IS a real place. It exists.

What I think you meant to assert is that "*Staying in* the Friend Zone *in the hope that she will change her mind one day* ISN'T real."

And on *that*, you are spot on. Or perhaps you should say it's really pathetic.

WHEN should one stay in the Friend Zone? When the lady is interesting enough in non sexual ways to be worth your time, ranging from interesting conversations to even perhaps good advice from her.

Otherwise, when the above case cannot be honestly be made to yourself, then you should make your exit gracefully and move on.

That rests the case for, and against, staying in the Friend Zone.

[IceCubedude]

I agree with you, if you dont make it clear what you want then dont bitch later when you dont get it... sure going up to a girl and asking for sex or telling her "fk me or leave " won't really get us any results most of the time, but being assertive and saying " I like you but i can't be your friend because i will want always more" is a good way of showing the girl that you actually want something beyond a friendship.

Of course sometimes she's a co worker, or a classmate you often see so telling her that or being a dick to her because she just wants friendship can backfire, if you're attractive and Bold enough though it could very well work... but i have a better way, if iam not content with just being friends and i want more and she is willing to give more , i start ignorng her i will say hi and be respectful but i will not really be as friendly around her and will leave as fast as i can when she arrives because i want more and she doesn't want to.

[DarklordOdin]

Perhaps not in a sexual way, but the friendzone is very real.

Here we go: The friendzone is when someone declares their romantic feelings to another, but they simply get turned down because they're viewed as "just" a friend. That's it. Nothing else, no sex involved, nothing. I will agree that it's bitched about too much, as rejection is a natural part of romance. And romance is placed too highly as a social status, anyway. I feel that people need to focus more on their own grandeur instead of comparing themselves to filth.

[Kuraj]

"If you are a guy or a girl and you have no intentions of EVER being friends with the object of your desire, it is you who must assert that premise."

As much as I was gonna disagree with the notion that friend zone isn't real, because there absolutely ARE females who will KNOWINGLY lead people on or place them on the back burner for purely selfish and personal aims, this sentence changed my mind about my reaction.

You are right, if you let yourself being lead on it is entirely your fault.
If you are interested in more than a friendship and they aren't, cut ties with that person, there is absolutely no reason to pursue the relationship any further.

[thetea]

I totally agree! Many people have told me I have been put in the "friend zone" several times and pity me but I really don't see a reason? I've gained some valuable friends through being rejected and I love them all platonically, I like being friends with them. In cases where rejection was too painful, I walked away and cut contact. Easy as that.