The Ectoplasm of Ghosting

[pavlove]

Ghosting is a terrible fate.

it creeps into your mind when you wake up...why didn't they hit me back? I wasn't even into that person, but for some reason I'm really bothered by them doing this. I want to call them or text them just to make this feeling go away. How could they do this to me?

Ghosting is the most basic trick in the game--leave them when you have a feeling things aren't going well thus assuring a speedy recovering to moving on. A lot of times, it can honestly feel like you ghost because they're just this icky, bad feeling you get when you see the person reach out to you that you can't explain. You're not sure what happened but there's a low level of discomfort and you'd rather just be left alone.

First, let's discuss what type of people "fall" for ghosting. Narcissistic people and/or people with fragile egos (a lot of times the same person) who feel they are "above" such a thing. The person may convince themselves they just want a reason but really they are hoping to reverse the ghosting and save their ego. The reason for this is because someone has clearly shown you how horrible a person they are...there is no reason why you should ever want to be with them ever again. Yet, you're now more attracted to them? This is not logical or rooted in anything besides yourself and your desire to be loved.

Second, let's discuss what type of people are "prone" to ghosting others. There's a sense of cowardice masquerading as nobility and respect. The person matters enough to you that you would feel bad hurting them directly so you hurt them indirectly through absence hoping they'll get over it for their sake and for yours. People who ghost generally don't want to let the other person down, though sometimes it's honestly a matter of feeling like this person could retaliate violently if provoked too much. If you ask a ghoster why they did and why they do it so often, they may realize they do it because they don't want to hurt people and see nothing contrary about that. On some level, the ghoster feels what they are doing is right. As has been agreed upon by many psychologists, people rarely do evil for the sake of doing evil, but rather take actions that they believe are ultimately right (even if they may be hurtful to some.)

Finally, let's discuss what we really care about--how do we minimize ghosting happening to us. First is a golden rule of ghosting...

Never see someone who is capable of ghosting you or anyone else as anyone you should waste your time with. They are emotionally weak people.

That helps us feel better once ghosted but doesn't stop ghosting from happening. For that, we'll implore a "silver rule" of ghosting

A ghoster will never allow you to invest anything into them.

Consider this above statement. It's the reverse of what one would expect. A person who doesn't invest anything into you must be a prime candidate to ghost you, right? Actually, a ghoster will often talk about their emotional problems, spend money on you, spend time with you doing fun things, and make promises of the future together. Yet, you have to ask yourself--if they are so open and willing to invest why are they single? A bitter thought possibly but effective.

A ghoster is often incapable not of giving love but of receiving love. Underneath a possibly charming and exciting persona, you can tell there's an inner level of lonely detachment to all people in them. They are eternally searching for something they don't actually seem interested in finding once it comes down to it. They are going through all the motions of someone open to love but never find or feel comfortable with it.

Intimacy has become less important to relationships. Self esteem is seen as the ultimate good--to be totally self sufficient; needing only yourself and trusting only yourself. This is actually a recipe for loneliness. No one is allowed in and no one is good enough. It's a lonely life.

So the reason that a person can go months or even possibly years only to dip out of a person's life is not because they don't love you but because they never accepted in their hearts and minds that you loved them. They can't fathom the pain they're causing because that would require they believed how much you loved them.

The reasons are many for what sets them off but usually the trigger is light and builds up quickly once initiated. You stop caring about them is usually at the basis of them, in their heads at least. You stop calling as much, you got busy with work, you had too many fights, you made fun of them too many times and even though they pretended to think you were funny they were actually hurt. These types usually have other lovers--this goes along with the lack of trust they feel capable of giving to any one person. Again, the idea that you alone are what should matter to you is a lonely road to walk down, which leads us to our last rule, the bronze rule.

Different people are capable of giving different degrees of happiness, but if you don't trust them your ability to feel joy with them is always zero.

They will quickly become nuisances and you will not understand why. Sure, there are people who you have more in common with who are more emotionally healthy but really you're capable of falling in love with many people if the conditions are right.

The problem is you go through life not trusting that this person has your best interest in mind and that they are good people. A lot of bad people are simply people who don't believe other people are good. It's not a punishment but a desire for preservation. Consider the author who doesn't trust his own editor. The editor begs them to make changes to make the book more successful based on their wealth of their experience. Maybe the editor is right and maybe she isn't, but the fact that the author doesn't trust the editor and thinks she's capable of deceit or that she may not be as good at her job as she thinks she is calls into question why he has an editor in the first place. When you enter a relationship, you are signing a contract metaphorically. That contract says that i will trust you and you will trust me to create something greater than both of our selves. Ghosters sign contracts because they feel it's "the thing you're supposed to do," but are truly only comfortable when they are single and alone. Comfortable, yes, but alone...

[Anonymous]

I ghosted this girl I sexted cause she was getting boring and was self centered. All she talk about was herself, how she was bored, and etc. I did most of the talking ( I have proof, I'll even give you my account info/ yeah that extreme/) she texts I miss you a lot but when we talk it's all about her her her. It's like freak. Bye! So I ghosted her. But somehow when I made a new account, months later she's back. But she don't know it was me. So gave it another shot. 👎👎👎 boy she's boring and has the social skills of a toddler. Imma ghost again. Perminatly.

[John_Doesnt]

I get a lot of ectoplasm on me when stalking my ex's bikini photos.